Women all say the same thing, they totally dislike or worse yet fear the dating scene today.
They often state three main sources of concerns: the quality of the pool of guys available, the sheer energy they have to undertake to self promote, and the incredible amount of competition that they face.
Let’s begin by looking at the available men.
There seems to be several problems for single women today. First, they meet men who are already in relationships but who take off their wedding ring to appear available. Or, there are men who say that they are single but then secretly text their girlfriend or girlfriends saying that they are still out with the guys and will be out late..."players" as Match women call them.
Second, many complain about meeting men who only want sex, some of these men pretend to want a relationship, but ultimately it's a ploy to get more sex. I can hear my friends grumbling under their breath, “Why the heck are you revealing this fact?”
In general, there seems to be a perception that there are only a few good men out there left. To win these few good men, they have to improve themselves and compete with other women who are trying to get the same guy. And, because there are only a few good ones out there (at least in their eyes) they don't want to be overly demanding and now in many cases seem to be openly forward.
When questioned about what they would ask for if they could, most women mention romance. Do they really mean that?I believe that they want to feel that they are the center of the guy’s world, that we can't help but fall in love with them, and that it is them and only them that we want. Basically they want the guys to be crystal clear about love without sending some cryptic text that is laden with ambiguity.
Some do mention sex, but usually it follows from falling in love. I think these women want to live the plot of any romantic comedy movie or romance novel. I am sure you have a few favorites.
When you ask a woman whether they think of themselves as romantic, the answer most likely is no. So does that mean women want the men to be romantic, but aren't themselves?
They tend to believe that men really don't care if they are romantic, so why bother?
The second issue is one centered on the women themselves. Many feel exhausted from all the various activities they undertake to look good and to make themselves seem as desirable as possible. In my field of marketing this is called self promotion because the woman or “Brand X” is trying to promote herself as being the best option on the market.
Listening to women who are active daters, they often reveal the effort that is involved simply in terms of improving physical appearance. Of course there is the financial cost of that undertaking like gym memberships, clothing, salon visits, teeth whitening, cosmetics and wonder creams which are not cheap.
Many women also feel unsure about how to ‘be' when dating - what personality characteristics should they display and hide? Is it okay to have a loud laugh or not? There is even a
Seinfeld episode about this one.
Is it okay to be intelligent, or does playing dumb improve one's chances? Should they be honest about their profession? If it's one that is high in status it could signal that they are too challenging, perhaps?
Together, trying to put the best foot forward is not an easy undertaking if you are making the effort to find a good mate, especially if you are particularly self-conscious or have been away from the dating scene in some cases for a whole generation.
The third issue is competing with other women for a good mate. This is where the issue of romance resurfaces. Yes, by using good clothes and a winning personality one is competing against potential rivals for the seemingly minuscule pool of men. However, that pales in comparison to the competition women are in when it comes to sex.
One of the most significant issues that I hear these days is how we men are not really displaying any romance and therefore women are feeling increasingly pressured to have sex earlier in the relationship.
I think perhaps the women don't necessarily want to have sex, they just don't want to be single again or they want to have a little more time to see if he's a keeper. And these days, it seems that the ‘sex' date is number two or three - a far cry from the courting days when I was in high school...only fast girls from the wrong side of the tracks had sex.
Many women must try to determine what potential rivals are doing so that they can be unique, but not too unique as to become freakish. Sugar and spice, and everything nice, that's what girls are made of? I think not.
What does this all mean? Well, basically,
in today's dating scene, romance has been pushed to the side. Women tend not to display it, and they tell me it's because the men they are meeting don't care about romance at all. Men aren't displaying it because women don't expect romance from them.
My advise to men is to use romance (as so long as it's not paired with a tan line from where your wedding ring should be) because you might seem like a very good catch, and you'll stand out as being different, but in a good way.
If romance is dead, what comes next? I don't even pretend to know, but it looks like the routine is to have sex and then hope that there is some emotional connection afterwards. Our society has streamlined everything imaginable (even social relationships are now efficient thanks to match.com) there's just no room left for romance.
Do you think romance is dead? Why or why not?
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Comments (39)
Romance isn't dead it's just hiding from all the trickery and deceit desperate people throw at it.
It's horrible.
Anyway I don't think romance is dead. There has to be a few decent guys out there. Not that I know any at the moment.
I say everyone should just be themselves. If they aren't naturally the romantic type, so what.
Interesting observation.
The girls that I see that say "romance is dead" are the ones that don't know how to flirt either
And the ones that say "no good men left" are usually too picky!
no other cultures except for North American women have this problem
Yep, romance is dead. Good riddance.
Let me explain. Romance, as we see it, is indeed a result of those movies, comedies, romantic stories (including old ones). They hoist a view of relationships that is simply not real and is a fantasy. People often complain that porn causes unrealistic expectations about sex and relationships, and they're right. What they overlook is so does the romance genre, and because we don't stigmatize it, I think it's caused more harm than porn. They're both fantasy, but for the longest, we, as a culture, subscribed to one as the ideal.
With romance dead, we're swinging hard in another direction, but maybe we'll find an equilibrium which results in a more balanced, realistic approach as a culture. It won't be just yet. It has to die, but let it die. It needs to.
Doesn't romance come once you've established a relationship?
I can't see myself planning romantic stuff for my girl friends. I flirt around... but that's about it so far. If I have an interest in them, and they have an interest in me, then I will start doing something more.
A really complicated issue.. but I heartily disagree that romance is dead. Yes, there are those guys who've been conditioned to run off their good looks or skills in bed and such, but I'd say that most men have the potential to become very romantic partners. It just takes the right woman to bring it out, and to return those efforts in whole. It's incredibly unrealistic for a woman to expect a man to be everything they want and to make them "the center of the guy's world", and yet at the same time not be clingy or anything like that. It's also unrealistic to demand a guy who treats them the "right" way if the women themselves cannot return the favor.
Society has taken those unrealistic expectations and manifested them into romantic movies, which raises some girls' expectations. Either way, half the time it's just to see some hot guy they like acting as the perfect boyfriend. You want somebody like that? Fine. Just don't expect to be able to find someone like that if you're not able to be the perfect girlfriend in return.
Then there's all those overused quotes that girls use, such as those by Marilyn Monroe. Stuff like "a wise girl kisses but doesn't love, leaves before she is left," crap like that. It's stuff like this and the women that follow these ideals that are killing romance. Yes, it's good sometimes to be defensive, especially if you've had rocky relationships before. All the more power if you're a strong woman, or want to be stronger. But hell, acting like that is what stops us from putting in more effort. Men strive for great women too, and whenever our acts of effort are rejected by them it kills off the romantic population by just a little bit more.
Men can have unrealistic expectations too. But the way our society dictates romance is that it's almost completely one-sided. The men ask the women out, take her out to dinner, sweep her off her feet.. and all the women do is enjoy it. It doesn't make sense that men make so much effort to win over a girl with nothing in return but her accepting you. If women don't want romance to die further, they should put in more effort to their relationships. I'm not talking about makeup or that superficial stuff, but the kind of acts of effort that they expect from men.
Apologies if I'm being too black and white about the issue or if I'm making heavy, outdated generalizations. Everyone is different. This is just from my experiences as a male with a history bad relationships.
Good riddance to it, I say.
What a long post. I read the first half and skimmed the second. Let me say that ladies, you can't have it both ways. Let me go into further detail.
There are women who will verbally kick a man's ass for holding a door open these days. How should a guy know whether he's with a woman who wants romance, or a woman who wants to be treated like an equal, or some other crazy brand of female.
Another thing, ladies: the numbers of men and women are almost equal, and since polygamy is frowned upon, there are always men available.
Romance is hard to find, but it's not dead. And I will be the first to say that my boyfriend is a romantic. He may not see it, but I do. And I am blessed to have him in my life.
To avoid anger, and flaming and trolls, I'll just say that romance isn't dead, you just can't expect every man to be the perfect romantic partner. That's the end of my soap box rant, otherwise this would be a very long comment indeed.
I hate flowers, balloons, and sappy cards, so my boyfriend knows not to waste his money on the cliche romantic things. What I think is romantic is when he calls me for no reason to tell me he loves me. Or visits me at work with ice cream. Opens doors, pulls out chairs for me is also romantic to me (and chivalrous). I'd rather know he's by my side. He's told me that his future is to make sure that our future is going to be fantastic. That to me is romantic. Not flowers or chocolate.
Hmmm....romance isn't dead on my side. I am a woman, and I plan nice sweet surprises for my boyfriend. He is not as creative, but...and this is important, he responds. I may be the one who usually initiates, but he responds, doesn't think it's silly and lets himself get caught up in the fun. Candle light, whipped cream, surprising him by dressing like a million bucks for a casual date, sweet notes left for him where he will find them after I've gone. It's all fun. And he likes it and has found some little things he likes to do for me.
To me, romance is whatever little extras we do to add some pizazz and sometimes unplanned 'perfect" moments. Him reaching for my hand at the perfect time. A song coming on the radio while we drive, whatever.
I think a real key to it is to not be SO self conscious that you can't enjoy some silly little sweet thing. For some people dating is SOOOO serious, and they leave little room for fun. I mean, heck, if the description of dating in the above post is correct, I don't want any part of it.
Back when people were slightly more civilized, romance was just a means for sex. People covered their primal urges by converting it into socially acceptable behavior back when there was major sexual inhibition. Now that it's vanished, there's really no need for it.
Of course, women being the fantastical, fairy-tale-believing dumbshits they are, still believe there's a "Prince Charming" and a "soul-mate". lol fucking grow up already, stop trying to play princess. The only reason people marry these days is because humans rather be semi-miserable with company than alone and completely miserable.
My husband is one of the most romantic people I know. He makes me very happy. We're pretty sappy when we're together.
As so many idle up the escalator of the continued devastation of cultural industrialization, I'd argue that romance is more important now than ever, regardless of gender. The critique of romantic media @PervyPenguin@xanga - @midnightblu3@xanga - @He who eats pizza - leads to an even greater romance, one that must meet both surpass and contradict the romance that is portrayed in media.
That said... love how you will.
lol at wikipedia definition
Don't particularly care much for romance and whether it's dead...
But I've never been in favor of the idea: "have sex and create intimacy later"
Turns out that my preference to create a relationship first before having sex was a good preference that EVENTUALLY worked out very well for me... Even though it was like pulling out teeth with the amount of years I had to wait to find a woman who would give me the time of day.
I don't think romance is dead. I think in other parts of the world romance is very much alive. Also, some men are naturally more romantic than others...unfortunately, romantic men tend to be taken.
I don't particularly believe in the idea that one must have sex in order for romance to blossom. A lot of people could separate lust and romance.
depends on what you define as romantic. most conventional forms of romance don't do anything for me, and i'd actually be less interested in a guy who did them.
The problem with romance is every single woman out there thinks she is entitled to it because she is so goddamn special. It's enough to make my eyes roll.
TL;DR.
i've never cared whether or not romance was dead.
@PervyPenguin@xanga -
Hahaha, what do you mean 'back when people were more civilized' ?
SINCE WHEN HAS HUMANITY EVER BEEN CIVILIZED?
@let_the_right_one_in@xanga -
Agreed, Let's all of us women settle for red-neck losers with beer bellies who get drunk and beat us because we are not special and are not entitled to anything better; we aren't even allowed to IMAGINE ANYTHING BETTER.
The nerve of some women, desiring a romantic man.. who do they think they are, really?!?!
Good plan, my friend, good plan!
@Cosmar@xanga - I'm sorry.
I don't think romance is dead, but I do think a lot of men forget about it because there are so many women out there who will throw themselves on a guy for being a jerk and acting like he doesn't care. I think most genuine romance comes when a relationship develops, and the guy truly knows you and uses his knowledge of you to make you happy. Not all guys are great at coming up with creative romantic plans, but if he puts in effort to do anything that shows he cares, it's "romantic" in a sweet way.
Well... I guess I have no opinion on the dating game since I've been out of that for a while... But in my marriage, I find that romance breeds more romance, and the more you give the more you receive. Also, I find that men are just as romantic as women are but a lot less likely to admit it. They enjoy compliments, back rubs, and romantic dinners just as much as women do.