Saturday, 27 August 2011
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Losing My First Ever Girlfriend, How Should I Feel?
So here are the basics: On July 11th, I got my first girlfriend ever. I'm a 20-year-old Texas boy and this was the first girlfriend I've ever had. She was my first in a lot of things. First kiss, first girl I've stayed the night with, first person I've cuddled with while watching a movie and also my first sexual experience (no judging).
Everything was great. We were happy, we hung out a lot, we enjoyed a lot of the same things. Everything was just going great. But 3 weeks ago, due to circumstances beyond either of our control, she had to move to Georgia (was living in Texas). We agreed to try the long distance thing but after a few days, she decided, and I agreed, that a separation would be best.
Just a couple of days later, she's already seeing another guy. They aren't dating, just hanging out. They are so perfect together though. It pains me to say this, but he is probably better for her than I am.
I'm not sure how I should feel about her hanging out with this guy... she deserves someone great and he is perfect for her (from what I've seen). The thing is, I still care for her deeply and miss her terribly. My mind is in complete turmoil over this.
I don't know how I should feel.
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About the Author
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- From: Roam_The_Shadows@xanga
- Name: Roam_The_Shadows
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- About Me: I made this just so I can start writing about what's on my mind, be it something good or bad. I'm not a very outspoken person so this is what I intend to start using to express my thoughts when I otherwise wouldn't.
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Comments (34)
I think you've put her on a pedestal, which is understandable considering she's your first relationship. But you have to remember that there will be someone more perfect, more beautiful and you will be in a relationship again. Very few people marry or end up with their first significant other, much less their first love.
Time will pass and you will move on.
I think the fact that you understand that someone else could be better for her than you speaks a lot about your character. If you love her, you want what's best for her. It's a little lousy that she could already see someone else though.
It's ok to feel badly for a while,but it's a learning experience and time will heal it.Keep your distance from her for a while, don't try to be all buddy buddy until you can detach yourself.It's not moreso about how you feel, but what is it you're feeling at the moment. Don't try to deny the emotions that you experience. Instead, express them and then move on. It may take a few days, or it might take a few months. There's no need to rush your recovery.
No judgment here, it took me just as long to have sex and I've still never had a relationship; it's more common than you'd think
There's no real way you SHOULD feel. emotions are what they are, whatever you're feeling within reason is normal.
That being said if it was me I'd be feeling about the way you are now: upset and angry but also happy for her and therefore really confused.
It'll take time but it does get better
Well, we had a long talk last night about everything. I told how I was feeling, what was on my mind and everything. I think, now the I've finally told her everything about how I feel and I finally stopped bottling up my emotions, that I can start to "heal" and move on. But, as laytexduckie said, it will probably take me a while to do so.
And I don't know if it changes anybody's view or anything, but she said she plans on moving back here eventually. May be a few years from now, but she plans on moving back. And if we are both still single at the time, she is willing to "start fresh" on a relationship.
As someone who also just had their first boyfriend a couple of months ago, all I can say is at first the pain will seem unbearable, but after some time, you will start to feel like you again. You will even start to feel happy again. It's out of your control, so I would suggest letting go as soon as you can. Don't try to get over her by dating a whole bunch of new girls. Hang out with friends, family, and by yourself for a while. I know not everyone gets over a heartbreak the same way, but this worked for me.
@JaydenWolf@xanga - agreed!
@wyrdkismet@xanga - The thing is, with my personality type, I don't get out a lot. I am an anti-social homebug. Lol. So the "don't date a bunch of new girls" is definitely not a problem.
@Roam_The_Shadows@xanga - then i have a feeling you'll be just fine. :)
@wyrdkismet@xanga - Danke. I don't think I'll ever be fully over her because that's just who I am. But I definitely appreciate the advice. From you and from everyone.
@Roam_The_Shadows@xanga - I wouldn't HOPE to get back together with her. Just take it with a grain of salt and continue with your life. Just like any breakup, do things that make you happy. Ignore her in order for you to get over those feelings. Your relationship didn't seem to get past 2 months, so perhaps there is a possibility of being friends in the future. My first gf and I were together for almost 4 years. We tried being friends in the end, but it just doesn't work out =/
@stanlee255@xanga - Well we had been friends for a few years before we dated. And I still want to be friends with her. I'm not going to be able to just ignore her. It's just not who I am. I regretted the last time that happened. Sorry to hear about yours not working out.
Hurting is something you seem to not be okay with. Let it go, really. You're trying to keep your head above water and rationalize (most people never are able to do this) but you're skipping the step where you let yourself just wallow. Once you do you'll be ready to rationalize it and move on! Good luck
@iamdriftwood@xanga - I'm past the wallowing stage. I spent 2 weeks wallowing after she left so I'm done doing that. Now i'm on to the "moving on" stage. And thanks.
1. it's all about the timing.. the second guy got good timing by chance. and 2. dont think that another guy would be a better boyfriend than you (unless you are seriously a bad boyfriend). you should always think you're awesome and have confidence
@xxx_MYLiFE@xanga - I've always had low self-confidence (that's why my first wasn't til i was 20 and was only because we had been friends for years, otherwise I wouldn't have had the confidence to ask). But I've been working and improving my self-confidence over the past couple of years and it's tons better than it used to be. I'm still not where I would like to be, but I'm working towards it. And I wasn't a terrible boyfriend. Lol. I think I was quite good. :P He's just able to do things with her that I could not is all.
so let me get this straight. let's assume this post happened today. you broke up with her 3 weeks ago--that's aug 6. you started on july 11. so basically, you didn't even go out with this girl for more than a month, called her your girlfriend, and still give a shit about this? grow a pair, bud. life gets a lot shittier than this.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - It was 2 weeks ago (mistyped), and yes I called her my girlfriend because we dated for a month and yes I still give a shit. I know life gets shittier but the point is not about how shitty life gets but about this one incident. If you don't have anything useful to say, then gtfo. This is the girl I would be willing to spend the rest of my life with. If you can't understand that, then I feel sorry for you and whomever you end up with.
Very similar happened to me...I was with my ex for over 3 years and I found out not a month after our breakup, she was seeing multiple people. It devastated me and I did the same thing you're doing now. I held her on a pedestal and told myself how bad of an SO I was to her and how these guys were better for her than I ever was. DON'T do that to yourself. Even if you genuinely think it's true, you did your best. It'll take time to heal and don't rush the process, you'll be happy soon enough. It took me almost two years to find someone I wanted to be with after my ex. She was also my first. First love, kiss, sexual experience...first everything. It gets better and it gets easier. You have to give it time to get there. Like someone else said, there's someone more perfect, more beautiful, more everything out there for you. You'll fall in love again. That's not to say you'll ever forget your first...but you'll appreciate your second that much more. You learned from your first love that you'll be able to apply to your second. Hang in there. I swear, it gets better.
This was similar to my first college boyfriend. We didn't know each other for very long before starting to go out, and I knew it was a mistake to go out with him, but at the time I thought we had connected and even though we were only official for about a month as well, it took me a while to get over him, but I finally did. Luckily it was only a few months. We even hung out unofficially after the break up still did things like a couple but that didn't help the situation so I ceased contact with him for a while.
He even called me up one night out of the blue after not speaking for a few weeks and wanted to hang out as just friends, we even got something to eat at the drive thru and he paid and talked about things. Then he tried to ask me if I wanted to drive some where so we could hook up for a last time or whatever and that's when I said no, lol. He wasn't my first but I was his first.
A month or two later, I found out he was with someone else and he ended up marrying her for the long run but it didn't phase me because I had kept myself busy with other things and I had met new people. Now I've been hanging out with someone else for 2 years now because I know there will always be someone out there better than the last if you let yourself find that person or let that person find you.
How should you feel? You would be normal to feel any variety of emotions - sadness, anger, bitterness. This was an important relationship to you. This was a girl you loved and who loved you back. She held your heart in her hands. She was special and wonderful and she made you happy.
Then she moved away and now it would appear that she's moved on. And it hurts and it sucks. You aren't out of line to say, "Wait a minute! You got over me awful fast, girl!" Now you might be wondering if you were in deeper than she was. Did she love you less? What the hell did you do to deserve that? You're a nice guy! You've got your head on straight. You did all the right things. To be blindsided like that is sure to make your head spin and make you second-guess just what the hell this whole love thing is anyway. Not to mention feeling a little foolish just in case you were more in love than she might have been.
Oh crap, right? No. It's not nearly so horrible as it sounds. You aren't alone. That's a good thing....
Remember when you were a little kid, and it was time for the training wheels to come off your bike? You fell off that bike until you were more scab than kid. All the bruises and scrapes hurt like hell, but riding that bike was worth it. Life and love are just like that. Really. You got better at riding that bike, you wiped out less - and that bike became more than wheels, it became freedom.
Love is like that. Every time you love....you learn. Sometimes you will wipe out and find yourself bruised and scabbed and disoriented. It will happen....sometimes it will happen a lot. Sometimes you may go for months without a date or without feeling that connection that you only have when you are in love. That....is.....perfectly.......fine. Part of learning about love is learning about you. There is no rush. Take your time.
That said....take the time you need to get over the girl you loved before you start looking for someone new. That way you rid yourself of dangerous 'what ifs'......'what if I acted like this, maybe the next girl will love me'.....'what if I follow the next girl if she moves'.......'what if I sell my soul and then maybe' .....
Of course you wouldn't go to those extremes, but you can see how the 'what ifs' can get you.
You have lots of good people who are pulling for you....at home and here.....Be gentle with yourself. You will be fine....
@beesuze@xanga - This was very helpful. Only 2 things.. 1 - I never fell off after the training wills (w/o purposefully wrecking lol) and 2 - When I love, I mean it. For me, it's not "I loved you but you left me so I'll just say it to the next girl." Nono. For me, when I say it, I truly mean it. But this was very helpful to me. Thank you.
@Roam_The_Shadows@xanga - I believe you when you say that you mean it when you tell a girl that you love her. You don't turn it on and off like a switch, and you take it seriously. That's a good thing, because many people are very cavalier about love. They don't know what it is. You are ahead of the game, but you still have time to take your time. There is no prize for falling in love first, putting in years or decades with the first love, or getting it right before hitting the age of 25. I remember being 20 and thinking that I needed to get it all together to prove that I was this wonderful, grown-up, mature adult who had all my ducks in a row. I'd be happening. I'd be successful. I'd be perfect.
By 21, I had the ring, the degree, the career. I was happening. I had my head on straight. I was happy. I was paying my way. I was beautiful and smart and on my way!
In the years since I was happening.....I've married, had children, outlived a few friends, buried some loved ones, become an expert in my field, purchased a house and many vehicles, divorced....In other words....I've lived. And there is much more to learn and to do.....I'm still happening.
Life is a journey....It isn't how quickly we get it right, it's what we learn along the way.
@beesuze@xanga - I'm ready to be that person. Get the degree, the career, the ring, the kids, etc. I'm ready to have the life. To move out and start making it on my own. But most of all, I'm ready to have a family and a kid. I want a family to look after and come home to that is not my brothers.
@Roam_The_Shadows@xanga - sorry, i didn't realize the 1 week was a make-or-break deal for you. are you for real? how long did you know this girl (including dating)? i don't know how people roll down in texas, but i don't think ANYONE can know if they want to marry someone within a month of dating him or her, especially at age 20. why you'd even want to get married at that age is beyond me.