Friday, 26 August 2011
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I Love Him But Damn Does He Suck at Communicating!
This post was submitted by an anonymous user.I love my boyfriend. He is your typical guy: sweet, smart, and kind. I met him two years ago through friends and we started dating last year. Things happened and I broke it off. A couple of months later, we got back together. I don't have the lovey-dovey feelings like I used to, but I genuinely love him.
Here's the problem: He sucks at communicating.
He doesn't know how to be a good "friend." Now, my man is smart. He just graduated with a math major and biology minor with a straight 4.0 all four years while being in the Honors Program. He wants to be a doctor. Why? His sole goal is to graduate from med school, go to a third world country, and help provide free cataract surgery to the poor. This is quite the turn-on for me because I love good guys... the "nice guy." But he doesn't know how to communicate.
He is spaced from everyone, even his family. He isn't spaced from me and gives me a lot of attention, but when I need advice, someone to talk to, someone to make me feel better, I CAN'T go to him. He makes me feel worse, tells me I should just get over it or just shrugs his shoulder. He doesn't know how to comfort.
This is a big problem for me. I suck at communicating too, but I've been trying really hard to, which he appreciates immensely. The thing is, we are at the stage where you take relationships seriously. We've finished undergrad and now are moving on to graduate school (for him med school). I need a man who can be my best friend. I need someone to be a shoulder, a warm arm, a comforting voice.
I know that in his life, he didn't really have that kind of connection with people. His parents were never there and when they were, they would tell him to study. People avoided him in his early years because he had a skin condition (which later diminished after hitting high school). So I understand, but I never had friends either ( I lived in an EXTREMELY racist town and was an outcast my whole childhood) until I hit college. When I met my friends, I realized how great they were and how good they can make you feel when you've had a crappy day.
I've talked to him about it multiple times and he doesn't know what to say. Sometimes when I bring it up he says he'll change but it never happens. I even tell him straight up at times, but still nothing. We've been together for almost a year and I don't know if I can handle it any longer. I am talkative. I love talking and asking questions (which annoys him, time to time). What do I do?
So, Datingish readers: Any advice for me? Should I just forget about his communication problem? Or should I forget "us" and just be friends?
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Comments (17)
Sounds like a typical normal relationship :)
He might just be someone who doesn't get that kind of need. Or, he's just so used to being asocial and school-oriented that he can't grasp the concept that someone might need a more empathetic ear....if you feel like working on this with him and essentially training him to be a good listener or comforter, then go for it. If you are tired of this and just want a man who can provide it, then maybe you should move on.
You know what I've learned. "You can't change people to satisfy your needs or wants." It's difficult. The willingness to change must come from that person. Even then, they can't change themselves to the fullest. Don't you think it would be difficult for him to change what he's been all his life? It's not the same as telling someone to stop smoking.
Thus, instead of finding a way to change him why not find someone else whom you can go to for advice, like friends or relatives. There's essentially three choices: 1) Try working on the situation together. Tell him you love him but this kind of situation is putting a strain on you. 2) Don't try to change him. Try to understand him and find someone else to run to for advice. 3) Unless you're willing to look for advice somewhere else then you should try moving on. This kind of situation will keep repeating itself, over and over, especially if you're going to be with him for the long haul.
some poeple don't talk a lot, doesn't mean they hate you
Some people just aren't big talkers, and believe me, he won't change. You either need to accept the fact that he keeps things to himself and doesn't really like giving advice, or accept that he won't change and move on if you can't handle staying with someone like that.
if he's going to be a doctor, then doesn't he have to communicate effectively and show some empathy for his patients
is he going to tell his patients to get over it and stop being annoying by asking him so many questions-_- really weird that he wants to help people but doesn't like to communicate and he's in a relationship, which often requires active communication. some people are just shy but sometimes they have to show something more to show that they care.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - haha i lol'd. That's what I was thinking too! med students should have good communication skills... or are they just accepting anyone with good grades nowadays? haha.
You can always train the guy. Take 15-20 minutes to try communication exercises with each other each day. Try talking on phone and make him do more talking, about anything. Then try sitting down in person and talk with and without hand motions.
this is probably going to come back and kick me in the head but one thing i realized about intelligent/smart men, they have horrible communication. they never see outside the box. their brain is trained to see the problem and then to solve the problem with the formulas they were taught. even in the job field, if you work in corporate and meet the IT guys, they have horrible communication also. it's not a bad thing to be with someone intelligent but you have to be able to meet him half way too. tell him what you need from him.
Most guys I know aren't particularly communicative in this regard either. If you go to a guy like them with something that's troubling you, they'll snap right into the 'fix-it' mode. Try telling him next time "Honey, nothing is wrong, I just want a listening ear/shoulder to lean upon." as an opening line. And close with a "Thank you for listening." It'll let him know you're not after a solution from him, that all he needs to do is listen, and that that action alone is appreciated already.
Other than that, all I can say is talk to your girlfriends! We all understand each other a lot better!!
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - @stanlee255@xanga - my dad's a doctor and he isn't exactly the biggest talker. Maybe this guy is happy to talk/give advice when necessary, but isn't so good at it on a personal level? A lot of people find it easier to talk to strangers than they do to open up about their personal lives.
That sounds like a question you should be asking yourself, not us.
If you need a talkative man, then maybe he isn't for you. If he's extremely important to you, maybe you should talk to girl friends about things you need comforted about, and just talk to him about things you want straight FIXED. A lot of men are that way. They want to fix things, but they don't want to sit there gabbing about how sorry they feel for you.
you know, i went (am still sort of) going through the same thing. while i can't say i've come up with the cure-all for this problem, one thing i've learned is that every single relationship has problems. once you get past the honeymoon phase, an issue (or issues) relevant to your specific relationship will arise. if it is not communication, maybe trust, maybe family, maybe friends don't get along, maybe finances. no relationship is perfect because people aren't perfect and life isn't perfect. not to sound all dr. phil but i think what really makes the difference is who you go through said problems with.
that said, one thing that helped me to really get my point across was to give specific points of reference for my bf to understand why certain things made me happy/hurt/upset, without using accusatory lingo. instead of saying "you never ____" "you always do___" "why don't you ever____" key word being 'you', obviously, if you express yourself for example like "when i talk about (my day/problem/argument with a friend) and receive (no response/a blank smile/a shrug) it makes me feel ____." I never realized such small changes could be so helpful, but it really helped change the tone of our conversations. We both went from being on emotional offense/defense mode to just trying to express our feelings.
good luck!
Hm. It sounds as if it's a personality quirk and that he did not have
the same life experiences growing up that enabled him to learn to open
up the same way with other people. On the other hand, people do have
potential for change, and I think learning how to communicate with you
effectively is something that he needs to work on. Him shrugging off
your problems when you want to talk to someone you can trust doesn't
sound like a good quality in a boyfriend. But it could simply be that he
doesn't know how to comfort you, or feels uncomfortable/awkward trying
to.
I have dated a couple of guys in the past who were similar; I
once even opened up about the death of a family member, only to have
the guy completely gloss over it and make me feel like a freak for even
talking about it. Like you said, I think most people are seeking
partners to whom they can share their life stories, including their
problems.
I wouldn't say forget about the communication issue
(because it will come up again eventually), but I think you need to have
a conversation about the ways in which you communicate and determine if
there is a future for the two of you.
@katya_pobedovna@xanga - i completely agree. :)
well think about it this way - if he's THAT bad at communicating, and he plans on going to a third-world country after school... unless you go with him, do you really think you guys can survive an LDR without good communication?
by the way, he probably won't change - much. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years and he has started to open up a little more - but very little and only because he chose to. its hard to get someone to change their nature, whether its really open or really closed off.
good luck with everything
You really can't change him. And you've already tried talking to him about it, and the evidence has shown that he's not currently willing to try to change himself. So you basically have to decide at this point which is more important to you: having this guy or having the relationship you want. It sounds to me like you can't have both.