Friday, 26 August 2011
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Cheat + Forgive = Happiness?
I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We have had our ups and downs, but recently, things took a turn for the worse. One evening he drank until he "blacked out" and kissed another girl at a club. He is an honest person and he did have the decency to tell me what had happened. It broke me, just a make out with another girl, it absolutely crushed me.
I cried and cried and yelled as much as I could at him.
He continued to tell me it wasn't a big deal and that he was sorry and that he loved me, but he just didn't understand how hard it was for me to hear. He didn't comfort me enough and he didn't beg for my forgiveness. We took a few days apart and eventually I forgave him and moved on. About a week after, I knew I wasn't over it and that I was more hurt than ever. We got into a terrible fight and all I did was cry, but he didn't shed a tear.
I explained that I don't want to be with someone who will ever betray me like that and that he was someone I thought I could always trust. I told him that I could never do something like that to him and that I would never put myself in a situation where I would black out, which i know always leads to bad things.
I am truly broken right now and my heart just can't mend itself. I cannot imagine my life without him, but as time has gone by, I have realized that he hasn't handled any of this in a way that I hoped he would. He is a great guy and I know he did not mean to hurt me, but I don't know what to do.
The deal breaker was in the end when he told me his job is his priority and that I need to understand where he is in his life and that he is not trying to get married. What?I know that i am leaving out about 50 percent of the story, but I don't know what to do.
If you have been there--how do you suggest I handle things? How can I move on? How can I break up with someone I love? How do I stay with someone who hurt me?
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- From: confused231
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Comments (61)
It sounds as if part of you wants him to react that way, and apologize and comfort you, as he should.
Instead, he treats you as just another girl to be with, to have an emotional attachment to.
Reading this makes me a bit mad inside, reading about how he idly stands thee and wonders why you are mad that he kissed another girl.
That itself should be very, very clear.
I think once you think abot how he's treating you and what you really,really want from him, maybe then you can move on.
It's easy for me to say, just let him go you should be with someone who cares about you, but it's for you to feel it, and I hope you do!
Well, no one can really help if HALF THE STORY has been left out.
I don't know, kissing another girl really isn't a huge deal. But you have to either decide to forgive him or not. You can't just say you forgive him and continue to be mad or you will never move on.
I have been there-- trust me get out now! it will only get worse. It may have been only a kiss-- but it is indicative of worse to come- and that could take a toll on your sense of self- ideas about him and ideas for relationships. He is not responding how you would have wanted him to and he is telling you his job is his priorty- how much more of a hint do you need?
as crushing as it sounds, i would advise you to leave. it is rather clear he does not have empathy for your feelings. that will never change.
@brosephine: 50 percent of the story is all the bullsh*t that does not need to be written down, unless you would like me to write a novel?
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - god i wish it were that easy. i know exactly what i need to do, but i can't seem to grasp that
Get out, get out, get out. I know it will be devastatingly hard, but I have gone through pretty much exactly the same thing, and I was engaged to a guy I had been dating for 4 years. I tried the whole forgiveness route, with the condition that he would try to make things better, never see the girl he "accidentally" kissed ever again. He did not try and he just acted like there was nothing he could do about the whole situation. He was studying abroad at the time and refused to compromise with me in any way. Everything was about him, and he turned from the kindest, sweetest guy I had ever known into the most hurtful, selfish person I've ever met. I know it will be hard, but let him go now, so you can both be the people you want to be. You deserve more respect than this! I promise you that you will get through this and find someone who will give you their whole heart, not just as little as he deigns to allow. Be strong. Good luck.
@swtaznxtc90@xanga - trust me--it makes me mad too. that's why i can't seem to understand any of this. He stood there like a clueless idiot. Are there guys out there that won't do this to me? is it just something i need to accept? i seriously cannot understand how something like this could happen when things were so good.
@Nikkimonster@xanga - thanks nikki. god that really sucks to hear. im sorry about what you had to go through. it seems like if something like this were to ever happen with someone who truly cared about you, he would be groveling at your feet begging for your forgiveness. Clearly this is not what I am experiencing. I understand people can make mistakes, ive made them too. I'm just so in love with him.
I was once with a guy for three years who cheated on me in odd ways. He never physically cheated on me, but he did admit to thinking about it. He cheated emotionally, I suppose. He did it through texts, AIM messages, and emails. He would talk to numerous girls, I think I counted 11 by the end of it, and he would heavily flirt with them. When I say heavily flirt I mean, it was not harmless flirting. Maybe some people see it differently, but for me, if you're in a relationship and you're telling numerous people on the side how badly you want them and sexual things you want to do with them, I consider that bullshit and cheating. He also exchanged provocative pictures with these girls and tried to hide everything he did. People are pretty easy to read, so I could tell when he was lying, and he lied about it all the time. He never once admitted it when I would confront him, never even bothered to confess, he only admitted to his bullshit when I would throw the conversations and pictures in his face to prove he was a lying, cheating, asshole. He did this off and on for the whole duration of our relationship. We had been together for so long that I tried to move passed it, tried to let it go, but I couldn't. I can forgive, but I will never forget. I forgave him after a while, but the thought of him doing those things behind my back ate away at me everyday. I was constantly suspicious of him, constantly wondering what he was doing and who he was talking to. The final time I caught him I ended it, I really just couldn't handle it anymore and knew I deserved better. It was really hard, but eventually I moved on. I found my current boyfriend and even though it's been a rough road to building trust in a relationship, he has earned my trust and I do trust him.
I think you should look at it this way- your boyfriend made a mistake, but at the very least he took responsibility for his actions and told you upfront. I've questioned myself over this type of situation, if I would be able to get over it, but I honestly don't know if I could. I don't know if I could have before being cheated on or if I just simply can't. It's hard leaving someone you've been with for so long, but don't let the length of a relationship dictate your future. If you can't get over the hurt, you need to let him go. If he's not interested in marriage or a future with you and that's something you want, then you really need to let him go. It's hard, but it comes down to what is best for you.
Hope that helped and that everything works out for you.
"Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection."
If you cannot fix your broken mirror completely (aka forgive him and LET GO of your anger) then it's better to get out of your relationship. The cracks will only widen with time, and you will only grow to hate him (and eventually yourself) even more. Confused231, from one girl who's been cheated on to the next, please believe me when I say that trust is very hard to gain back once it's broken. You have to work hard, everyday, to believe that he won't get drunk and mess with another girl again. It's very honest of your boyfriend to be up front with you about it (mines wasn't) which does give him brownie points. However, if you cannot find it within yourself to fully forgive him, you should leave him. It will only get worse, and you will end up hating your relationship. It's hard to leave him now, but you WILL get over it. It's definitely better than staying in the relationship, and feeling resentful and angry towards your boyfriend.
That sucks, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I think I'd react the same way you have--I'd want to forgive, because, logically, a drunken, no-feelings kiss really isn't THAT TERRIBLE. The main thing is that your trust was broken. I, personally, would want to try and forgive and forget, but don't think I'd be able to.
Maybe asking yourself these questions would help?
1. Do you honestly believe you could trust him again someday?
2. Do you believe he would do anything in his power to regain your trust?
Weather or not your boyfriend thinks its a big deal is not the point---it's a big point to you, and that should be enough for him to be crawling at your feet for forgiveness.
First of all, stop being a drama queen about it. If you don't like the fact that he kissed another girl, why are you still with him? You see this is the type of behavior that causes unnecessary stress because a girl or guy drags out the situation and lets it get to them. You say he's an honest person and told you, he probably thinks he did the right thing by telling you, which is probably why he isn't getting all emotional over it like you are. You either forgive and forget it, or forgive him and end the relationship.
It doesn't make sense to say that you forgave him and remain mad about it. Gah.
Okay. It doesn't matter what we say. I think you know what you need to do, but I think you're not ready to do it yet. And that's okay. If you break up with him before you're ready, you'll only end up with him again until you are ready to be done with him. They say people in bad relationships won't leave until they've hit a level ten. You sound like you're at maybe an eight or nine, but it doesn't matter...until you reach ten and go "That's enough! I deserve better!", you aren't ready to go anywhere.
But you know it's coming eventually. Someone who can kiss another girl and act like it's no big deal--then tell you you're not his priority and he basically isn't thinking of a future with you--is not someone with long-term potential, no matter how much you love him.
But, again, I think you already know that. I think you're just looking for overwhelming permission or justification for what you know you'll have to do. Hopefully you're getting what you need to move you from that eight or nine to the ten that is necessary to leave.
-Katie
Cheating is one of the biggest deal breakers for me. There is no excuse for cheating, whether or not he was under the influence. I wouldn't waste my time shedding a tear for an asshole who cheats no matter how long I've been with him if I were in the situation.
Also, since you two clearly want different things, I would move on if I were you anyway. There is always someone better out there if you give someone else a chance.
I think the problem isn't that he kissed another girl, it's the lack of comfort you received from him about it. If he had showed how sorry he was, how he'd prevent something like that from happening again, how much he loves you etc. I don't think you'd be feeling this way. You sound alike to me in the way that I would never put myself in a position where I'd black out, that's very irresponsible. Cheating is horrible no matter in which way, shape or form.. but some cheaters who cheat while intoxicated would think of themselves to be less worse 'cause they didn't do it knowingly. However, I see it this way. They drank knowingly, right? Just 'cause they were unconscious after doesn't mean that they're not responsible for anything happening after. He needs to take the blame 'cause he really is at fault. I would go insane if I had a bf who did that to me too, but mine did it consciously and isn't sorry at all.
It sucks for you be cheated on, and I've been in the same position myself... and I definitely know how it feels to have someone tell you that. Not in a sarcastic way, but I wouldn't be so mad at him on the basis of kissing this girl when he blacked out... It could have been a lot worse if he had slept with her... like my ex did...
I know you're omitting information because you don't want to divulge too much information out, but it won't help you if you don't lay your honest cards out on the table so we can give you the best help.
I know that people usually break up when someone's cheated, but I am one of those idiotic (stupidly romantic sap) who would be willing to forgive them, if I truly loved them... My advice to you is to find out whether you can still love them, and I don't mean it in the way that you can't live your life without them... No-one in this world is that dependant on somebody else... Everyone can and will have to move on at some point. It's not a fairy tale.
If you truly love them even after this whole thing, then i suggest giving it another shot... provided you are willing to give it a chance, however I'm gonna presume that most people in the public would be, drop him and close a chapter in your life + start a new one.
Hope this helps.
"I am truly broken right now and my heart just can't mend itself. I cannot imagine my life without him, but as time has gone by, I have realized that he hasn't handled any of this in a way that I hoped he would."
This is your problem. Specifically "I cannot imagine my life without him". I believe you are coming to a point in your relationship (after a year or so) where the magic is beginning to fade but you are still seeing each other every day, or as often as you can. This creates pressure, and the feeling of being smothered, and this can lead to cheating just as a way of getting out of the situation briefly. Now I do not excuse what he did. This has happened to me before and it is a horrible feeling. Also I understand how you feel your trust has been betrayed. However, this is what I would suggest.
Both of you back off, and focus on your own lives, while seeing each other twice or three times a week. Relearn what you appreciate about each other. Give him the chance to prove you can trust him, i.e. he does not put himself in this situation again. Basically if he goes on any more wild benders, he doesn't care, and you will not be able to trust him. He can get drunk, no problem, but drinking til he forgets is a no no, and moderation is everything. Finally really focus on yourself. Its like you are focussing completely on him, and basing your whole life on him. Remember or create your own goals and pursue them.
Your heart has to be complete BEFORE you love. You cannot say "you complete me", "I cannot imagine life without you", meaning "You are my life", and genuinely love or be happy. Sorry, you can't. Take the steps I have suggested, and I am sure it will all work out. If not, don't worry, it wasn't meant to be, which is no big deal and you have a life to lead :)
If I were the guy... I'd "beg" for forgiveness only for a day. I'd kiss, spoil, and make it up to her. 'Cuz it is totally the guy's fault and the girl needs to get something out of it. It's either revenge or the guy making it up to her to gain her trust back and making her feel loved. And you don't want a girl going for revenge. They might just go all out =_=
The deal breaker was in the end whenhe told me his job is his priority and that I need to understand where he is in his life and that he is not trying to get married.
That should be understandable.
I'm going through a similar situation right now...only on the opposite end. You may not want to hear this, but it can be just as hard on the other side. I recently cheated on my boyfriend with another guy, who has a girlfriend too, when I was very drunk.
At first I thought it was harmless, and it would've been, if we hadn't kept talking over the next month. Through our talks we both learned that we were unhappy in our relationships in some way or another. For me I think a lot of why I did it was because I was about to move across the country to be with my man and I was scared shitless. My boyfriend is five years older than me and although he has never expressed the need to settle down, I feel like we already have.There was just so much fear and pressure in my head about what was going to happen in our future...what started out as an accident actually ended up being a projection of my subconscious.
I don't know if I was scared of happiness or scared of wasting my youth or what but the point is, if your boyfriend cheated on you he is uncertain or afraid about something. It hurts I know, I have been cheated on in the past and swore I would never do this but I guess now I see why people do it. It's an easy way out, and maybe it's not even out they want but it takes the pressure off in some way. I love my boyfriend dearly and I just told him all this today, so if he dumps me I will understand, I deserve it. But I know for a fact if he forgives me then we could work it out. You just need to figure out if you really want to be with this guy, and ask him if he really wants to be with you.
I get what you're saying. If he was truly sorry and wanted to make it up to you he could have had more sympathy. The fact of the matter is that you don't want to be with somebody who is only in an exclusive relationship when it is convenient for them... black-outs included.
Its sad really that sometimes you just have to break your heart and end it. You haven't done anything wrong. But to stay with somebody who really isn't "all in" as he even admitted to would in fact be wrong. If it is meant to work out then in the end it will, but you have to take that step in the mean time to make sure he realizes where you stand and what you want from a relationship.
@BaNaNaZnPaJaMaZ52291@xanga - Um, hi, are you living my life??? I got super drunk and made out with one of my good guy friends...and his girlfriend...and I'm in a relationship. I wouldn't have done it sober, but my sober thoughts were scared because I felt my youth closing in on me. Is this *the person* that I'll be with for the rest of forever? It's a scary thought. We're working things out. Keep me posted or ask me what's been helping us, girl!
do what's best for you.