Friday, 26 August 2011
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Marriage Before or After Deployment?
My fiance is in the military and wants to marry me before deployment.His reasons in no exact order:
1. Benefits aka; money.
2. To make it easier to trust me that I'd remain faithful to him.I think the 2nd reason doesn't make sense, because faith can't be proven with a contract. He's already at ease right now with being engaged, so why can't we wait until AFTER deployment?
My reason for wanting to marry after deployment:
If I turn down the offer to get married beforehand, he might drop me and find someone else to marry for benefits. That would save me time in a sense that if I were to marry beforehand, and he decided to divorce after coming back home, I'd have wasted time being faithful to a deceitful user.
I know some people believe that if we "love" each other enough, we'd marry beforehand, just because there's a lot of trust built- but I've only known him for less than two years, so I think it's okay to ask:
Should we get married before or after deployment?
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- From: BlehhItsTu@xanga
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Comments (51)
Marriage is about love and commitment regardless of circumstances (for better or worse).
So asking such a question means you guys are in trouble.
Get the problems solved or your marriage will dissolve not matter what you do.
yeah, wait. don't rush into anything. you really don't sound sure about this at all.
Only marry him if you love him, want him in your life forever, and simply want to freakin' marry him!!! :D The benefits are great too, especially for you. But if you DO NOT want to marry him, don't do it. But you already are engaged to him! You said yes for a reason so what's the problem??? Stop being stubborn and just do what you said yes to when he asked you. But if you're paranoid and not trusting already, why the hell are you even with him?
Don't waste his time.
What is up with the two of you being engaged and talking about cheating on or not cheating on one another?
People who have decided they want to get married should not have a lack of faith in the relationship to that extent. I agree with everyone, there's something else going on here rather than just whether you two should marry before or after deployment.
I wouldn't say that only knowing someone two years is a good reason to wait longer to get married. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and we have wanted to get married since day one. Our feelings haven't changed at all. If you marry a person you're going to be with them for the rest of your life and there are things that you aren't going to learn about him until you get married.
That being said though, I don't think you two should get married at all until you realize what the RIGHT reason to get married is. Neither of you are right here, and you need to talk it through before he leaves and before you get married.
If you are in love enough to get married now you should be in love enough to get married later no matter what you decide now. Getting married for the wrong reasons is a bad idea. If you even need to ask, I think you already know the right answer.
Big red flags here. If you can't marry him now and he can't wait for your to marry him later, you both have some serious issues, not the least of which is trust. Are you sure you two should even be togther? If the answer is yes, why NOT marry him?
hahahahhaah wtf
Depends. Do you love him? Does he love you? If so it shouldn't matter when you get married. I love my fiance to death and we've always talked about marriage. We decided to get married sooner rather then later because he's getting restationed to another state. Of course, this was a mutual decision we came to AFTER we already were engaged. We just moved up the date. I will say this, the military makes it so that being married is the only way to get a lot of the benefits (not just money, but benefits in the sense that you get to find out where they are going and if anything happens to there unit when they are deployed. That info is reserved for family members and spouses.
Get married 'cause you love him, not for other reasons.
Marriage isn't about logistics,
it follows after you realize you truly want to marry the person through love.
Don't marry out of logistics, because logistics are not what's gonna help you get through the marriage.
My advice, don't get married. If you really have to ask, then you're not ready.
First of all, being married to him would give you more benefits than it would give him. Separation pay is only $250ish a month, not much of an incentive for him. Whereas you get free health care, free prescriptions, etc. And when you're married, the money is both of yours, period, not just his.
You also have to understand that when men deploy, many spouses cheat - I'm sure your fiance has several friends that this has happened to. He is just worried, I don't think it's a matter of trust. My husband asked me if I had cheated on while he deployed - of course I didn't, he was just a little worried and needed reassurance. On your end, it does seem like a matter of trust. You don't seem to trust him very much if you think he only wants to marry you for money. If you don't trust him, don't marry him. That will just be a huge disaster.
Now, think of the reasons you DO want to marry him. After all, he is your fiance, so you've obviously already thought about this and have plans to marry anyway.
A lot of people do marry before deployments. The benefits are great, yes. But being married to the man of your dreams is even better.
the question is : do you want to marry him whether or not of his deployment? answer the question honestly and be true to yourself.
The mere fact that he's talking about benefits and you're talking about saving time (and even thinking this could end in a divorce) is pretty solid evidence that neither of you are really ready to be getting married.
Let him deploy and see if you can make the relationship work.
It just doesn't sound like you have a lot of faith or trust in each other at all. Don't do it. Not until you've both solved your issues and can say that this won't be a marriage of convenience with conviction.
The things you write here make me think that you guys shouldn't get married at all!
Benefits should not be in the equation whatsoever. Yes, it's nice to get extra money, but that's not why you marry. In fact, it can be dangerous, because you are emphasizing that part of your marriage, whether you intend it to be the least important part.
If he drops you because you say let's wait then you shouldn't get married at all. You should marry someone who will love you no matter how far away you are, distance should especially not be a problem since youd be a military couple.
Just be of good faith and be confident and decide on one (with benefits out of the equation, and as long as hes not gona drop you for waiting) and do it. Good luck!
What? These are reasons that have never crossed my mind (except #1 on his).
People change from their life experiences and being deployed (no matter where to) is going to make him change parts of himself. So you should wait for that reason. But at the same time you shouldn't wait, because even if you're a "fiancee" the other military wives don't care about you. Being a military WIFE opens a lot of doors for you so you can create bonds with people in the same situation as you. How long is he getting deployed will depend on if you need that support though. But for my final opinion I would say there's nothing wrong with waiting. If it's meant to be it will.
Um, I don't think you two should get married at all after reading this post. The only reason that matters when you get married is that you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together. I see that reason given no where in this post. Timing shouldn't matter if you really want to marry him.
To me, it sounds like you should break up.
I don't think only knowing each other for a couple years is a reason to not get married... What's more important is why are you asking these questions about leaving/cheating. I think you guys need to get that straightened out.
Your marriage shouldn't be based on benefits. If you love him and trust him, then you shouldn't be worried about him leaving you just because you're not ready to get married.
If you don't think you're ready, then don't go for it. See if you can survive the deployment. I went through deployment married...it's hard either way.
I got married (and pregnant) in the middle of one, when he came back for mid-tour R&R. I liked it that way because it gave us something to look forward to and time to plan things, but we also got benefits for about 5 months once we were married (which helped pay for a lot of things when we finally moved in together and had the baby). as for fidelity...I wouldn't think it would be an issue, married or not, if you're committed to each other.
But if you are thinking about it anyways, just wait until after the deployment to see if you guys will last. Just because there is a piece of paper saying you are married and a ring on the finger, doesn't mean it will keep either of you from cheating.
I think both of you should marry when both of you are already financially stable
I have two friends who were high school sweethearts, together for almost 5 years by graduation. He joined the military right out of high school and was deployed shortly after. They went ahead and got married, they did love each other, and this way his benefits would help her through college. He was gone for two years.
Six months after he got back they filed for divorce. She grew beyond and without him in that time. She never cheated, she just grew up. They only had a couple months together before he left. They got an apartment and she lived there by herself for 2 years, went to bed every night by herself, ate her meals by herself. She rarely talked with her new husband as he wasn't able to. She never felt married, and soon felt she wasn't even in a relationship, so the spark died. (She did repay his kindness and helped him with his college finances).
Marriage is a very serious, and wonderful life changing decision. It's not something to be entered into lightly. If the two of you aren't going to spend a significant amount of time together as newlyweds before he deploys, you need to wait. It is vitally important to your marriage to spend time together as a married couple. Even if you've been living together up until now, things do change once you're married (I know firsthand).
TL:DR? -> If you have enough time to establish a firm foundation in your new relationship before he leaves, go for it. If not, WAIT. Good luck.