Thursday, 25 August 2011
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Has Listening to Your Friends' Advice Hurt Your Love Life?
First off, I want to start by saying that I don't want to say that, no, I'm not placing the entire blame on the friend. Obviously, what someone chooses to do with a piece of advice is his or her own responsibility.
Still, when we turn to a friend, a person we trust and respect, we tend to listen to them, or at least it impacts us. And sometimes, we let that piece of advice influence our decisions - but maybe the advice may hurt more than it helps?
Obviously a friend will never understand a relationship fully. They aren't the one in it. They aren't with you in your most intimate moments or the worst moments or the most fun moments. So it's common sense to take their advice with a grain of salt.
We see it in the movies and TV shows all the time: our protagonist has a Romantic Interest. Wanting to impress RI, the protagonist turns to friends for help. They tell our protagonist to do this or say that and it all falls flat when our protagonist actually tries to woo the RI. In the end, the protagonist stops listening to friends and ends up happily ever after!
An example from my own life: [x]
There was a guy I was seeing and we were having a lot of fun. It was casual, no labels, and I was leaving the city after the summer was over. I started developing feelings for him and didn't know how he felt back or what was going to happen with everything, and I was starting to get nervous because someone earlier in the year had hurt me rather badly while we were in the same boat.
One of my close friends came to visit me and I explained my situation. She really pushed me to ask him about what was going to happen and to define it and told me that if he didn't feel the same way, I should probably not see him again. She told me that she wanted to see me with a good guy who would treat me right and that if he didn't want anything more, then I should not continue hanging out with him.
I ended up following her advice. He told me things couldn't be more than casual and I said I didn't want to see him anymore and he was fine. (Peruse the past article if you so please to get into details about it.) I ended up really unhappy and wanted things to be okay, to see him again and go back to casual, but now he doesn't want anything to do with me and it's awkward.
I wish I hadn't listen to my friend, and I do believe she gave me bad advice that I shouldn't have followed. Again, I don't blame her solely - I take responsibility for what happened too - but I sometimes wish she hadn't given me her advice or I hadn't talked to her about it at all. I really do believe that her advice hurt that potential relationship.
Has this ever happened to you? Or do you think a friend should never be blamed for their advice?
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- From: fromlusttolove@xanga
- Name: fromlusttolove
- About Me: obsessed with everything lust to love - relationships, dating, hooking up, cuddling, flirting, kissing. i'm just trying to find my true happiness, but i know i have a lot to experience out there. follow me on my journey or not. i'd love to hear about your journey as well, though :) there's nothing unique about me - i spew whatever's on my mind.
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Comments (14)
i had a friend that decided to intervene with me and my boyfriend at the time relationship. he hungout with his bestfriends girlfriend because her boyfriend was in juvi for "distributing pain meds".. it was a tylenol based drug.. i shouldn't even call it a drug but anyways you get the point.. so my friend blew everything out of poportion and acted as if he was her boyfriend .... he was MY boyfriend. she bitched him out for quote on quote " doing that to me" even though i didn't even give 2 shits about him hanging out with her. i understood he was trying to be supportive of his friends girlfriend in a desperate time of need...
my friend took it upon herself to interfere with our relationship and about 2 days later he broke up with me. lesson learned, do not allow your friends to dictate your relationship. fyi, i was extremely pissed the fuck off at her.. he was sexy. haha. who wouldn't be mad?
Personally, i wouldn't be able to continue seeing someone if they flat out told me it would never be something more than casual. In addition, i think that you can definitely do better than this, and that while it may hurt now, once you do find that something that is exponentially better, you may understand a little more why your friend gave you such advice. Idk. you said you were developing feelings, and it doesn't sound like they were reciprocated. that's not really your fault, your friends fault, or the guy's fault, but its something that can't just be ignored. ya know?
on the other hand, i have listened to someone else's advice once and i almost broke up with my current boyfriend! it may have been very foolish of me to listen to this other girl, she had been his friend for a while, and she told me he didn't know if he was serious about me. but he and I were having serious communication issues and i was almost convinced that he didn't really want to be with me when it all happened.
i told him i didn't want to be together if he wasn't 100% certain he wanted to be with me. he begged me and begged me to stay, told me that he barely even talked to that girl anymore and she had no right to say such things, and managed to fully convince me that he was still very much in love with me, but was going through some things on his side, and we talked a whole lot after that, and actually resolved things. (one year later we are thriving with plans to move in together.) so, ya never know how listening to advice will work out - although i know i will never listen to that girl ever again! lol
What I choose to do with my friends advice is, like you said, your own responsibility. You only follow through with it if you agree with it at the time. You can't blame your friend because if it were the case that you were to analyze the situation yourself and come up/follow through with the same conclusion, it would still end up on you. You friend only offered their opinion. However, if you didn't follow their advice/opinion and they get mad and decide not to talk to you or be friends, then they need to realize that it is your life that you are in control of, not theirs. They wouldn't like it if you were trying to control their life and their decisions. The best they can do is be there when you fall hard and need someone to help you back on the right track.
When I was with ex, I was struggling for a long time when he told me that he didn't want a family or get married ever. His excuses were mainly to "save the population problem to come at us when we multiply (which is BS to the max)" or "depression runs in the family" (except his sister has two healthy, happy kids despite of his claim. Around November of the same year, my best friend told me that I had to break up with him before Christmas because it won't change a damn thing. I didn't listen to her. Waited until Feb before I did break up with him and I knew she was right but I couldn't give up without trying.
Same said friend was dating this jackass boyfriend for 5 yrs. I told her that there were alarming signs that he was more of an insecure mama's boy than a man to be considered to be marriage and for life commitment. She did not listen to me on that front. After many emotional abuse, self-confidence hitting rock bottom, she left it for HIS choice to end the relationship because his mom told him it was either HER that he picks or his girlfriend. Of course he picked his mom, but still, why not end it?
In the end, we are given sound or irrational advice from our friends. They have the best intent and they want the best for us, but if we don't really take the advice because we don't like what it says to us, deep in side that somehow we have FAILED, then we really can't blame anyone. It's OUR choice to take or leave the advice we have requested from our trusted friends.
I got into a fight with a couple of friends once because while I was
away with them, my boyfriend (T, when we were dating only 6
months) invited a female best friend (L) to visit him. T violated my trust with her
once, when they passed out next to each other watching a movie (he is
really hands-y in his sleep, I can personally vouch for that). I was
concerned about her visiting, but I didn't want to keep him from seeing
his friends. My friends started flipping out on me about how L shouldn't
even be visiting in the first place because of the whole issue that had
taken place. They demanded I call T and tell him to no longer see L,
saying that even though what I felt was a passing thought, I was still
thinking it. I called him several times and we argued, nearly breaking
up. I ended up telling him that as long as she didn't sleep over and as
long as they weren't alone together, I was fine with the visit. My
friends weren't happy, but I told them that we'll see what happens with
that. Fortunately, years later, things have worked out.
When they first complained, I thought it was because one of my friends (R)Â
was a man-bashing lesbian (she likes girls and always insults men so
I'm not saying this as a stereotype) and one of my other friends (M) dated him six years before and I thought she was showing signs of being ex-possessive (which was a silly thought because she used to try to match
me up with a few of her more recent exes). However, looking back on it, I
know they were concerned about me, since I did have this elephant in
the room that needed to be resolved, or else there would have been more
serious problems later on.
I mean, that's not to say that friends always have your back. Back in hs, this guy I used to be friends with (P) asked me out and even
though he wasn't really my type at the time, I would have been
interested in him .The reason I didn't want to accept it was that a couple of days before, some
creepy drug-addicted guy (some other friends try to tell me I would be good with) landed himself in the hospital for cutting himself the night
after I rejected him and it really shook me. I told P no, but he kept trying to prove he wasn't like that other guy. So I would talk to, C (now ex-friend) about this whole thing unfolding and suddenly, she started barking at him and yelling at him to never talk to me again. P and I stopped talking after that.
At first, I thought that C had my back and was genuinely concerned about my welfare. However, it seemed that whenever I would talk about getting closer with a crush (whoever it would be at the time - this was ongoing since middle school), she would flip out about it (neither of us ever had boyfriends through high school). I realized when I graduated hs that even though she appeared to be supportive when were were talking about crushes, anything involving me getting close to a somewhat decent guy would make her ridiculously jealous, flipping out, and causing a scene with us, scaring potential guys away.
In general, (true) friends will usually try to provide you with the best advice
they can based on what they know, even if it is mostly the negative
they know of. I think it's important to listen to it, but make sure you know where it's coming from.
This is why I don't ask for advice about my love life. I deal with it in the way I feel is best for me and the person I am with. Everyone has such a different idea of what love is, what a man or woman should act like etc so I don't bother talking about it too much. When my friends want to know how I am doing with whoever I am with at the time I have to warn them not to start throwing advice at me. Plus they're biased since they're my friends and family. If I am hurt, they instantly think it's the other person's fault. So their advice is not balanced or logical enough for me to take.
Everyone advised me to leave him, and I didn't, I ended up getting hurt =/
I will never blame my friend for what happened. But I learned to trust your feelings in a relationship, and try to figure things out with as neutral a party as you can find. I learned the hard way. The thing with friends and family is they want what is best for you, short term, and if you are unhappy they will invariably propose a solution which include getting away from the relationship. I made up my own mind, so it is my fault, however I do wish I had taken the time to ask people with less of an interest in my face-value happiness...
In college, I really liked a guy and told my friend about it. She told him how I felt, hoping it would move things along. It didn't. It turned out he wasn't interested at all, just as a friend. Unfortunately, she'd also said to the guy, "She's never been kissed, and it would be so nice if you kissed her on her 23rd birthday." It would have been so much less humiliating if she'd left that part out. But the guy and I are still friends, even though he's married to someone else now, and I love someone else. But at the time, it was incredibly awkward.
I met this guy. Anyways something seemed off about him but my friend kept saying that I am over analyzing. She insisted that I should let my guatds down, lay back and just havea good time. I ended up getting stood up. I was pissed at her because I solely depended on her advice to go meet up with him regardless of the red flags. Now I know not to completly rely and depend on others input and just follow my own heart. Nevertheless, having a friends input is good because it helps you see what you are blinded by.
I agree with this post so much.. my friends always told me to leave my ex but I wasn't ready to. Most friends give advice on what would be the rational thing to do as an outsider, but they're not the person in the relationship. Perhaps it is possible to forgive someone who cheated, but if you were to ask your friends, they're all going to say hell no. Maybe they're right, but at the end of the day, it is your relationship, not their's. This is why sometimes I don't ask for advice and just do what I feel is right. I don't like hearing the constant criticism I got from some friends. Friends' values may be different from yours too, perhaps she wouldn't be okay with a casual relationship whereas you were. So the advice she gave you might be something she would do if she were in your situation, but it isn't necessarily the best for your's.
I actually agree with your friend's advice, having been in a similar situation to yours. I convinced myself that I was okay being in a casual "relationship" with this guy I was REALLY into. I wasn't and I ended up getting CRUSHED.
At the end of the day, it's your responsibility to decide whose advice you want to take.
this is why I don't go to friends for advice about my relationship. little things? sometimes, but when it comes to big things I don't bother.
Taking a friend's advise is totally optional. All that matters is whether or not they are a good friend to you at the end of the day.