Wednesday, 24 August 2011

  • I Was My Husband's Backup


    My husband and I became best friends when we were middle schoolers. As we transitioned into high school, we grew independent but stilled remained close. When we graduated high school, I was pretty upset to find that we would be separated by about 350 miles of highway and country roads. Despite the distance, our friendship stayed strong and dedicated.

    In between school years when I came home for summer, we spent lots of time together. One day while we were playing video games, we started talking about our dating lives, more specifically my lack thereof and his sudden disinterest in dating. I mentioned something along the lines of not seeing the point of dating just to date, and that I was probably going to end up living alone for the rest of my life because of my weird beliefs about dating.  He made a surprising proposal, literally: "Well then, marry me."

    "I'm sorry, what?"

    "If we're both not attached by the time you're 28, let's get married."

    "Are you even listening to yourself talk?" I thought, but said, "You mean like a backup??"

    "Back up, fall back, anchor, whatever you want to call it."

    And for some reason, 19 years old me agreed, laughing as I kicked his butt in Mortal Combat.

    A year passed and we both graduated college. He headed off for medical school and I started my PhD at a nearby graduate school. We were always involved in each others' lives, never mentioning the silly promise we made while genuinely cheering each other on as we ventured into relationships. At one point, BFF was engaged and asked me to be his best [wo]man. At the time, I remember feeling torn between happiness for him and a strange feeling of disappointment. Then he called off his wedding.

    When I asked him for an explanation, he told me that his ex didn't understand him at all and that he was really relieved about calling off the wedding. I nodded and patted him on the back, we were still young, we had plenty of time for love.  He was 24 at the time and I was 23.

    At 25, I began to feel the pressured watching my friends all marry off and settle down. At one of these weddings, I introduced BFF to a friend of mine and they began dating. Friday nights were no longer designated for BFF and me. The moment I sat down for the first solitary dinner on Friday night, I burst into tears. It was impossible for me to ignore. I wanted to spend Friday nights with him more than anything in the entire world and yet, I was only a last resort for him.

    Their relationship lasted a little while. She called me crying about how he had another woman and that all this time was a complete waste. Taken completely by surprise and feeling like there was more to this story, I hastened my way to his apartment and banged on the door after comforting her.

    I sat down next to him, on the dumpy green couch he'd been using since undergrad, and hugged him, saying something like, "I'm sorry you guys broke up. Do you want to talk about it?"

    I let go and looked at him as he leaned back into the sofa, sighing wearily. "Not really. What'd she tell you?"

    "That you'd had another woman or something like that. I didn't think it was true."

    "It's true."

    The look I gave him at that moment was probably somewhere between shock and horror.

    "It's not like that!!" He said crossly, "I really did love A****. But no matter what, I always go back to someone else."

    Probably for lack of anything else to say or probably from the part of me that understood what he meant because even though I had loved the two boyfriends I'd ever had, I always loved him more, I nodded.

    "Don't you want to know who it is?"

    "Not really," I remember answering, "Shouldn't that be something you guys talk about?"

    "It involves you too."

    There was a pause of silence and I remember sputtering out:

    "I'm sorry, what?"

    "I love you." He said, his eyes on my eyes, knees just inches from knocking into mine.

    "I love you too." I responded automatically, the cogs in my brain probably out of function at this point.

    In December, it'll be our 5th wedding anniversary and we are expecting our 2nd child. I tease him from time to time about whether or not he's disappointed that he had to marry his "back up." I know he isn't, but it's just fun to remind him and watch his face turn red.

    Have you ever made a marriage-pact?  Do you have a back up, and do you think it could work out?

    Post submitted by Datingish reader Jessica.

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