I am no marriage expert. In fact, I have only been married to one person so my viewpoint on marriage is fairly limited. We have been married 18 and a half years. There are sometimes in marriage where everything I previously knew about marriage became immediately obsolete.
So I want to give a few thoughts on marriage yet throw out that I am humbled by how little I know about what it takes to make a marriage successful.
1. Nightly Walks - I believe that nightly walks have been one of the most important parts of our relationship. We have been doing this for over 18 years. We usually don't walk in the Winter months (until we moved to Houston which has no real Winter). We did not walk every night but usually we walk about 5 nights a week. We just walk around the block for 30-40 minutes and share about our day. We take turns and the person who starts is typically the person that has something more pressing to say. I can't remember very many nights when we walked in silence. We talk the whole time. We sometimes walked in malls during Winter months. But for the most part we walked outside.
2. Romance - I probably fail in so many ways in my attempts to be romantic. I am sure there are men that find it natural but I must admit that I probably say the wrong things at times. I have tried to mix in romantic actions and create romantic moments in our lives. One example is one day I was going to meet my wife at the mall. She was going to school so we would meet at the mall sometimes for lunch. So I went a few hours earlier. I bought 12 roses and I went to 12 stores spread out in the mall. I gave them a rose. I told them that when I walked in with my wife that they should ask her, "Is your name Jennifer? When she said "yes," they should give her a rose. So we walked into the various stores and she received her 12 roses one by one. I can give other examples but I think you get the idea. I think women appreciate it when you do something special that takes time.
3. A Priority - One of my earliest problems was giving my wife the impression she was not a priority in my life. At one point, we actually came to the place where I was not sure we would make it. I was taking my sons to chess club 3-4 nights a week. They were competing at the state and national levels. I coached their teams. In my mind, I was doing a good thing by spending time with my boys. But I went too far with it. And it left my wife feeling like she was second to the time I spent with our sons. Some our going to disagree with this but I think it is best to always make your spouse a priority over your kids. Your kids will be there for 18 years but then they will be gone. I am not saying that you love your kids less. I am simply saying you should always pick time with your spouse first and allow your children to take second place. They will be ok at second place. I take them for walks around the block too although that is only once or twice a week.
Your spouse needs to be a financial priority too. I know what it is like to be a college kid with a young family and to be broke. But you still should make every effort to spend some money on each other. It is easy when you have kids to put all your money into them. You have to resist that temptation.
In the early part of our marriage, I would just give money away to homeless people. I thought it was an issue of doing what God wanted. So I would give money away. I never turned a poor person away even if I had nothing. We were young and married and were only making $17,000 a year and I gave $800-1000 (I might be off here) to a poor family with a handicapped child. It was everything we had. Another time, we did not have any money and I gave my whole paycheck to a charity that was in need without asking my wife. It was right before Valentine's Day and so I kept nothing to buy for my wife. Again, I didn't realize the way I was making my wife feel. I thought I was just serving God. Now I realize I should have just given my wife a $1000 as a gift. If you can afford to do it for a complete stranger, you can afford it for your spouse.
You may be broke. But if you are going to do something nice, do it for your spouse.
4. Arguing - We have argued about some pretty stupid stuff in our lives. This is especially the case earlier in our marriage. We would let our arguments escalate. We would argue for hours. We would let it carry into days. If you are currently arguing for days and still talking about the same topic, maybe it is time to let it go. Someone has to have the maturity to decide it is killing your happiness. Is the issue really that important? Is it really that important to make that one last point? Do you always have to have the last word? That is a crappy way to live life. You are just killing your happiness.
Again, I am no expert. I don't claim to know more than anyone else. I just wanted to throw out a few thoughts on marriage. You go though so much together. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, it is best to build that person up. There is no reason to tear that person down. If you only look at the negative in your spouse, maybe you are the problem.
5. Focus on what you can do - Stop focusing on how your spouse can change. You can't change another person. Don't allow your spouse to fail to unrealistic expectations. Just do your best to be a great husband/wife. It really will cause you to be happier. I am not talking about being a doormat. But if you are always looking for your spouse to be something different, you will never be satisfied. In fact, you are probably unpleasant to be around.
6. Deal with your spouse with grace - Your spouse will make mistakes. In 18+ years of marriage, we have both made mistakes. What is the worse thing your spouse has ever done? Think of it right now. You have it in your head? Get over it. If it happened 2-3 years ago, it is time to let it go. Stop being so unpleasant.
7. Express your love - You should hug your spouse every day and tell your spouse every day that you love them. You should do the same for your children. Don't hold it in. Let them know you care about them.
What would you add to the list, if anything? Thoughts?
True 
Comments (32)
I did nightly walks. It was after dinner and we would both light up a cigarette while we walked around our block during sun down (in Houston as well).
It was the highlight of my day and we would always hold hands.
With technology and facebook/texting nowadays, it's nice to kick it back to old school once in a while.
I can never be apeart from my spouse. She is too sweet and juicy.
Wow, you were young when you got married.
Sitting down at least once a day to eat together. I think its kind of nice. Instead of worrying about what you have to do or WHAT your going to do just talk about the little things. Its what my parents do and when they can't one of them will bring lunch to the others work.
Sides its the little things that count : )
Awwww. This is really sweet, Dan! Thanks for sharing (:
"Stop focusing on how your spouse can change. You can't change another person. Don't allow your spouse to fail to unrealistic expectations. Just do your best to be a great husband/wife. It really will cause you to be happier. I am not talking about being a doormat. But if you are always looking for your spouse to be something different, you will never be satisfied. In fact, you are probably unpleasant to be around."
This needs to be emphasized more. A lot of people get married for what they can get out of it and not for what they can give themselves.
This, as I expected, is amazing, Dan.
<3
I really needed this as a reminder today.
Ohh the virgin of datingish.
This is a good post though. There are a lot of people who think they can change another person in a relationship. too bad it never works that way.
Love it, Dan.
My girlfriend and I settle all disagreements with monkey knife fights. But SHH! Don't tell PETA.
number seven!
I think a lot of this is true. (I'm not married, personally. but this definitely applies to relationships in general.)
My parents have been married for about 30 years and they take walks a lot too :)
That rose story was so sweet!
Good post!
Thank you. great post
Wonderful post, Dan.
You have the same name as my ex=_=''
I really love the idea of walks, as I can tell a majority of the other posters do also. I don't currently do this with my SO but I do want to make it something we do occasionally. Idealistically, every other day. I do want to say thank you before getting into the rest of my comment, I appreciate all of the ideas and opinion in this article. This is truly what Datingish is supposed to be about and I love coming across stuff like this.
First, I agree with almost everything you said but I'm not so sure how I feel about making my children second to my spouse. The idea that your spouse will always be there is a very romantic but sometimes unrealistic idea. There are some success stories where a person marries once and stays married to that person forever but let's face it...it isn't common. Your wife/husband can leave you in the blink of an eye but your children (no matter if they think they hate you, damn teen angst) will love you, forever. I do think your spouse should be on top of the priority list but I think your children should be right next to them.
Athough, maybe my opinion will change when I become a parent myself.
The point you made saying to deal with your spouse gracefully was really profound to me. It's easy these days to get lost in your own anger/rage and do silly things (write hateful things on facebook, possibly?) so I do think it's important to remember that even your spouse is human and not perfect. They deserve second chances, compassion and leniency. Even though I already know this, it was really nice to be reminded.
The romance idea was very sweet as well. Your wife is a lucky woman. That is a very original and romantic idea. I imagine she absolutely loved it.
I noticed a part where you said you thought you were doing God's work and frequently gave away money you don't have. I understand this very well, my mother often doing this as well. In hindsight, I realize she shouldn't do it to the extent she does, but I appreciate her want to help other people. Strangers. You said you donated $1,000 once. That is indeed, even these days, a nice chunk of change. Why not donate 100? Your spouse doesn't necessarily need a $900 gift but it's definitely smart to save up if something comes along. This way you may not be giving them everything you can, but you're choosing to give alot more than others would choose to. It seems like a win-win to me. Of course, opinions differ.
I could go on and on about this but I'll stop my comment here before I type up a whole page. :) Thank you for the very rejuvenating and enlightening post.
Manners: A lot of people are more polite to strangers than their spouse. I'm not saying that you can't get comfortable, but basic human kindness is a nice thing.
Effort into yourself: Inside and outside. We can all use a little work! Don't let yourself get complacent, have respect for your spouse and continue shaving the legs and looking for ways to better yourself.
Remember to back each other up and be a team. One thing my husband and I have started doing is NEVER giving an answer to proposed plans on the spot, especially when it's parents. We always tell them that we have to consult the other and talk about it in private. This is just one of the ways that we reinforce the idea that it's "us against the world", so to speak.
Great post, Dan. I agree with all the points you mentioned, especially the one about making your spouse a priority and to remind your spouse frequently that you love and appreciate. In this busy life, it's easy to lose focus of what is really important and to take things for granted. Walks are a great idea, but any activity you can do with your spouse to spend time without each other and learning about each other is a good thing in my book--we do this during dinner time and frequent trips to Disneyland, while waiting in line. I think we can add walking to the list, great for catching some fresh air and get the old ticker ticking.
I'd have to agree with the another commenter that you can still donate your money to those less fortunate, but perhaps, less. (And to save some for a rainy day.) My husband and I try to donate what we can, when we can. We may not be able to afford to give much, but we do donate gently used clothing to Goodwill or Veterans, at Christmas time we donate $40 worth of toys for Toys For Tots and $50 to a food bank. We are looking to make time to donate our time and services in the future to help others. A smile and helping hand goes a long way.
Walks are the best thing in the world. I live right next to the southern California beaches, so the view is especially scenic. I like walking around by myself, but walking around with someone else, just talking, has always been a rewarding experience.
my ex and i used to do nightly walks to whenever we got a chance and it was so nice. it was good bc towards the end of the night, it was good for us to unwind from our busy day and just focus on us and only us with no other distractions.
You've got it all wrong, Dan; you are an expert on marriage. I think my partner/husband and I broke every one of those rules/suggestions. Putting spouse first (never - the daughter was always first for both of us), Romance (what is that again?). Arguing (we never did it; anger just built up). Expressing Love (wow, that's a revelation!). Walk and Talk (we walked, biked, exercised, etc, but there was always a third wheel a fraction of our size & we never talked about anything important). We made it 20 years, but without grace. Next time, I'll keep your list in my wallet for reference :)
Excellent post from the heart.Number 6. He cheated on me (more then once).
It is a hard thing to get over, I've gotten over the act itself, but I still have lingering trust issues.