I'm a young black woman, who comes from an educated middle class family. I've been dating this white guy in secret for a few months, we have literally been running around creeping,
hiding from my parents in order for our relationship to remain secret. We are young and in love but I am afraid to introduce him to my family.
I come from a rather strict predominately Muslim family and have been brought up with rules & regulations that I cannot date out of my race.
My grandparents, aunts, and uncles are the same; they all have that mentality. When I visit them, they give me a lecture about getting married, but what's the point if I can't choose who I want to marry? I've tried to re-educate my parents on racism and what it entails, but they are a really stubborn old couple.
I'm really miserable and all these lies are putting a strain on our relationship. I'm thinking about running away but I'm in university and obviously my parents are paying and it's my final year.
Should I run, or stay and finish school?
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Comments (26)
Buck up and finish school, then when you get your degree, then you can worry about relationships and lovey-dovey crap.
stay in school. you've snuck along this far.
Have your cake and eat it too.
This is a very difficult decision. My friend is also Muslim, and she tells me of the harsh consequences that she could get if she is seen with any male outside of her race. So I know telling them..isn't exactly the best thing to do.
Your education is important though, I would stay and finish your education. I know you're in love, and being apart from the one you love can feel like death, but what is there to do? Unless you're willingly to run away, live with him, work real hard, and take on student loans so you can finish school I'm not really sure what you can do. Just talk to your boyfriend, and work things out. Talking with him and working out solutions is the most important thing to do right now.
You only have one more year, why not finish? You should stay and get your degree, then contemplate this issue later :P Besides, there's no guarantee how long you're going to last with your current bf. Don't ever give up your education for a guy. If he truly loves you, he will want you to finish school.
Finish school, get an education!!! You will not regret it, trust me. Just wait it out. A year will go by so quickly.
Muslim does not equal a race. Please don't make it seem like Muslims are racist. That is a prejudice statement in and of it self. Your family might be racist but does not make every Muslim racist.
I'm muslim and am married to someone who is a different race then me. (Yes he is muslim too.)Muslims are of more than one race. Please take the religion out of your culture or any culture.
Thanks.
P.S Finish school, then worry about your parents, besides if your parents love you enough to pay for your university, and you are using it, they have every right over you to be open and honest about your relationship. Do not waste their money. If you plan on running, atleast be nice enough to promise to pay back all the money they wasted on you. Don't slap them in the face by running away. If your BF loves you enough he can wait to be out in the open with your relationship.
I'd finish school, and then run away. If it makes you feel any better, I have parents that ask me what color my girlfriends are because I rarely have black girlfriends. Everytime they ask that, as if they'll go bouncing off the walls happy like a kid high off pixy stix, if I finally date a black girl.
@xpika1x@xanga - i think she meant, she is black he is white and her religion is Muslim, his is probably Christian.
@july37@xanga - I know, but the way she worded (and judging by a comment or two later) it does not come off that way. Many people do not understand our religion in the first place, so things like this just place it in an even more negative light.
Finish school.
@xpika1x@xanga - it didn't come off that way to me (i'm non-muslim), and you can't really take your religion out of your culture, it's an inextricable part of your way of life. but from the sounds of your original comment, it sounds like you may have just experienced some awful things as a result of people making snap judgments about you and your religion, so i think that could've made you a bit hypersensitive to the whole thing. i find myself asking whether or not that's the case when i get offended by comments about black people; as i'm sure you know, our experiences can seriously skew our interpretations.
anyway, i'm a young black woman as well, and my family's christian, and they weren't too fond of my dating a white guy (or my sister and her white boyfriends), either. but i don't think they were as bad as your family seems. they would make comments about him to other family members behind my back, sometimes right to my face lol. i just shrugged it off, you like who you like, whatever race they are.
and i definitely think you should stick it out and finish your last year in school, no need to derail your education for ANY reason (trust me, i could tell you a few things about that from personal experience, lol)
@hoodsy@xanga - I understand where you are coming from. But I disagree.
Yes, being muslim, following Islam, is a way of life, therefore a certain culture. But also being a certain nationality, being from a certain family also is a certain culture. You have the understanding where you are often put in a certain group for no other reason besides the color of your skin (whether it be true or not.)
She has of course judging by the article two influencing cultures in her like, being from a black family who is muslim. But the way the author worded her article, yes we can understand that her family is racist. But the underlying factor is not clear. The fact is, she did not even need to mention that she comes from a family that is muslim, to say that they are racist. Simply stating that they are black and her bf white would have been sufficient. But instead of properly showing the possible second problem, that her family is muslim, and her bf is most likely not, she does not mention that fact at all (Her bfs background is unknown.) But the way she words it shows that because her family is black and muslim is the result of the racism. It might not even be the authors fault, but Datingish for bolding out that one line out of all.
Anyways, I only mentioned it because as a muslim, it is part of my living to clear and misconceptions that could be brought on. Most people are smart enough to realize the difference, but those who are not, I left my comments for them. I didn't necessarily mean to call out on the author. I hope she figures out her problem in what is best for herself.
Finish school. Move far away. Tell them. Wait for the storm to finish. Introduce him if you plan on getting married. Accept your parents as they are, but do not equate acceptance with saying "yes, this is okay". Ultimately, if you not happy, get away from your parents once you are done with school.
Newsflash. Your not obligated to do anything they say or want you to do. They owe you. You don't owe them.
Finish school. You've gotten this far, it wouldn't be wise to just leave on your last year. Just leave after this year and you'll be good to go with him.
Yup, finish school, find a good job, then run away.
like almost eveyone said, finish school while continuing to date him. one more year of secrets and lies wont hurt. so basically you're a black female dating outside your religion and skin color. so what. civil rights movement had a purpose ya know. america hardly has anyone in it who isnt mixed with many cultures/ elthnicities in them. either your parents accept your love and him or they dont. you got to make yourself happy or what point is there in living? my first love and serious boyfriend was muslim, straight from afghanistan. his father saw how much his son loved me and he was happy with his sons happiness. your parents have to do the same. and you have to grow up and learn that sometimes what you want is more important that other peoples ignorance, even if its from your own kin.
School is more important.
Stay in school....
And then run away!
(If you two are still together and your family are still against you)
Black girl? White guy? family opposes idea? This sounds like the movie "Guess Who" with Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac.
finish school and elope!! your fam needs to get a life.
Hey! I'd like to say this: Do NOT tell your parents. Make sure your boyfriend can stand the stress. Also, be sure, discuss, and think out how you're going to move things forward, or otherwise.
@xpika1x@xanga - tl:dr in depth, but nationality and religion are not mutually exclusive; you can have two different 'cultures' and form a hybrid. and good luck on your preemptive strike against stupid people, it must keep you incredibly busy, lol.
personally, i didn't like your comment because i felt you were taking your misunderstanding and projecting it as a fault of the writer, but i guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
@hoodsy@xanga - Yes they are in fact mutually exclusive, the two can combine to make a new culture individual to each person. I said that she has more than one culture/background that influences her. Muslim does not equal racist..that's my point, its actually strictly forbidden to be racist in Islam. Anyways, I really don't spend my time trolling against stupidity/ignorance. An ignorant person will stay ignorant. A merely stated my comment and people responded. To be frank, I do not know exactly what the author intended to write (who knows maybe her own understanding of the religion could make her feel like Muslims are racist,) but I can say that she poorly explained herself, and I just wanted to clear up what could have been a misunderstanding. I myself didn't word myself correctly and wrote assuming-ly against the author (The woes of hitting enter before you finish proof reading =S.) My intention was never really to attack the author, but to clear up any misgivings that could have come from that one statement.
@xpika1x@xanga - ok then, except for the 'mutually exclusive' part (that means they *can't* occur at the same time, and you just stated they *can* occur at the same time to combine and form something new, so they're *not* mutually exclusive
), i think we're on the same page :D
@hoodsy@xanga - haha more or else we are on the same page. I was trying to explain myself without going too much into the theologies of Islam. Probably where my disconnect comes from. Oh well. =)