Monday, 22 August 2011
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For Lesbians, It's Easy and Breezy
The other day, my gay female roommate was teaching me all about lesbianism while we were in the car up to our new apartment. I have to say it was a pretty funny yet straightforward conversation. We talked about a lot of stuff, but there's one thing I really couldn't grasp:Often, lesbians date someone and then remain close friends after breaking up. Alexa was telling me all about the girls she's dated and how they all still talk, hang out, and innocently flirt. Rarely do they ever cross the line. To be honest, my mind was blown. Straight couples very infrequently attempt to befriend their exes (and even more infrequently do they succeed). It seemed to me that this often ends in disaster. When I said this, Alexa just laughed at me.
Then she started talking to me about the show "The L Word" (which I admit I've seen a few episodes... okay, a whole season). "The L Word" was a television show that chronicled the lives of several friends who also happened to be lesbians. Many of them dated each other, but somehow (for the most part at least) they all managed to remain in the same group of friends.
Are many gay women like this? Do gay men follow this system as well?
What do you think about hanging out with your exes?
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (22)
In certain cities the gay/lesbian communities are small and close-knit... which FORCES people to be civil with their exes... but being a lesbian =/= being friends with your exes automatically. I don't talk to ANY of mine.
I'm still friends with most of my ex girlfriends. Not close friends since most of them have moved out of state, but still friends. I'm only friends still with one of my ex boyfriends though.
The Real L word is the best!
I learned that they have U-Haul relationships :)
I think because they have such a narrow pool of potential mates that
they are quick to bond and stay bonded for a long time.
I'm only civil and on speaking terms with two of my ex boyfriends. The two most recent ones at that. The older(as in time frame in which we dated) one I'm sort of drifting away from because we have been fighting a lot over really stupid things. My most recent is also my friend from like middle school so that alone kind of keeps us talking to each other. I don't think it's something that can be applied generally to all gay and lesbian individuals because I know a lot of my gay male and female friends don't like to stay in touch with exes unless there was a really solid friendship beforehand or a mutual friend involved. I think your roommate is just one of the lucky ones.
It's common in most any area for gay men and gay women to "segregate" themselves to some extent. WIth that, they often meet love interests through mutual friends or common hangouts etc. If they break up, they are still often around each other so being "friends" is sort of a given. But most certainly not always. I know lots of lesbians who are most definitely NOT friends with their exes. :)
I think it's just the fact that it's estrogen with estrogen rather than estrogen with testosterone (and t-with-t). Usually (from what I've witnessed) if a girl and guy try to remain friends, they just can't because of the whole bundle of emotions that come with the break up. It just seems like there's a lot of drama in break ups when estrogen and testosterone are a versus. I think that lesbians are able to remain friends because they're more and likely on the same mind set, and understand each other more than most straight break ups. Not to mention the little ray of attachment that takes place between a girl and guy, like it could be different between a girl and girl you know?
But I do know a few of my gay friends who aren't friends with their exes because the break up was over something either completely stupid or just completely heart breaking. So I guess ultimately, it depends on the two people who are breaking up.
Hrm. In my area - like the region that encompasses three or four small cities, my lesbian friends say they all know (and have all done, it seems) each other. Many of them had flings or dated for a bit. The lesbian community seems really close here, but the small area may also have something to do with that. Some of them still hang on, some still flirt, some get super jealous, some hate the others. Not sure about the gay friends though, I don't know much about their dating circles.
I'm friends with almost all my ex-boyfriends. I'm friends with girls I've fooled around with too. I don't think it depends on whether or not you're a girl or a boy. It depends on the relationship you had with that person, the point you're at in life, and your personality.
Well me personally as a lesbian, i dont stay friends with my exs. I feel like whenever you break up with someone they should stay your ex. I dont believe in keeping touch with my exs, it just seems like a headache.
I was in a same sex relationship and that fact that we were of the same sex didn't help us stay friends after breaking up. At all. We actually bickered more after breaking up than any of my male exes and I had.
I know plenty of people who are still friends with their exes.
However, the amount of people who aren't friends with their exes probably exceeds the former.
I....don't personally think it is a lesbian thing. That simply doesn't make sense to me. I think it just depends on the people and the circumstances.
Let's start calling Datingish "Generalizatish". Seems like I can't read an article on here without some ridiculous statement being made about an entire group of people that the poster doesn't belong to.
The only reason I can't be friends with my ex is because he wouldn't respect my, while we were dating and after. I told him that we could be friends if he gave me some space for a while. That didn't happen. He texted me constantly, and showed up everywhere. I finally told him "no chance no way!"
Yeah, in Gay Culture (the more citified, urbane gay community), it's common to befriend your exes because, quite frankly, the dating pool is fairly limited so you've probably tried many people in your community. If you wouldn't stay friends, you'd probably have no friends at all.
When you're not part of The Culture (as I, who left Philly area and entered a more mainstreamed, suburban NJ, straightsgaysbiseveryoneiswelcomeandhappy non-culture), it's less acceptable because then gays are more normalized, and the straight and gay culture is largely indistinguishable. Everyone attends the same Yay Gay parades and goes to the same bars. It's actually more Gay of the Future - and what many people have been striving for - equality. Since the culture of the larger community is less inclined to befriend their exes (taking a cue from the 90% that is straight), it's less acceptable. I personally hate it. My g/f and I have had many fights over it.
and btw, TV SUCKS. It presents a tunnel-vision view of people from the most glamorized angle. And then idiots believe it represents everyone in a group. I stopped watching The L Word when I realized how ridiculously over-the-top chic it was, and how its West LA stylings totally didn't represent my poor Philly dyke ass.
@raspbxrrryjam@xanga - Pears like lesbians. And jam. Especially pear jam.
I have a guy friend in London that hangs out with mostly lesbians, and from what he says with his friends, it's not the case. I am gonna agree with most of the commenters that it happens when someone is part of a close-knit urban community where you gotta stay friends with exes. I think to applies to dating and being part of any small community.
I'm not one to stay friends with my exes. The only one I spoke to was for about 6 years after the breakup and after that, we drifted and chose to go our separate ways. No bad blood at all but didn't really see the point in staying in touch either (She ended up in NY, I ended up in TN). Otherwise, I'm not (although not for lack of trying) friends with any of my exes. Especially my most recent ex, she totally mind-fucked me (admittedly, it was mutually parasitic) and I knew it was better for me mentally and emotionally to be away from her. I've found it's easier to stay friends with those you had flings (my nice way of saying one night stand/fwb..)with or didn't date seriously. I casually dated one friend and she's still a decent friend to this day. Not as close as we once were, but well enough. I don't think that has anything to do with being gay (bisexual, in my case). Some people can do it, some people can't. It is more common in the gay community because like others have said, your friends are limited (in that community anyway. i have plenty of straight friends i'm happy with) and you have to do what you can to keep a decent circle of friends.
Anyway, conclusion being to answer your question more directly....I don't believe in hanging out or even speaking to your exes. They are exes for a reason. With the exception of two people I've dated, I admit I've ended up bad terms with the rest. There's no reason to bring that up again. I don't believe in forgiveness after a certain point. I do admit that several lesbian women tend to stay friends despite messy breakups. I don't know about gay men. Gotta be honest, don't know many. :)
My ex-girlfriend is my best friend :) but that's only one of my exs I'm not friends with the others but we are civil to each other.
Fact: ~70% of lesbians have or have had sex with men.
This goes to show this mental illness isn't as common as propaganda-articles similar to this one, portray it to be by suggesting 5-10% of the population is gay.
The reality is 1-3% of the population struggles with homosexuality, most being males, and 2.5% are estimated lesbians. Of those 2.5% the ~70% statistic above holds true.