Monday, 22 August 2011
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What Is Going to Be My Breaking Point With a Boyfriend Who Drinks Too Much?
So my boyfriend and I have been together for just over nine months, and we are happy together, but there's been more and more rough patches recently. There are things I've put up with for nine months and I'm just getting fed up.
One, he drinks. A lot.Like this past two, maybe even three weekends (I've even lost count at this point), he goes on three days binge drinking escapades.
And he doesn't just get tipsy, he gets absolutely hammered, to the point of being unsafe, to the point of throwing up, and not being stable enough to ride his bike home. I'm worried. But I can't say anything. I tried once, twice, and even a few more times, but he just yells and tells me he's "tired of the lectures."
So I sit quiet, get over it and essentially let it boil up inside me. On a side note though, I drink as well, maybe two times a week, yes, I get drunk, sometimes pushing my limits, and he says I have no right to lecture him, hence why I no longer do.
Two, he "drunkbooks" (drunk and on Facebook, always a bad combination), something his bros think is just hilarious. He is an ass to people, he disrespects people, spams people with caps lock and obnoxious insults.
I have over and over and over again expressed how much I dislike this blatant display of immaturity. I've expressed how much I hate waking up to that every single morning on the weekends, and he thinks it's just nothing. So why should it matter?
He doesn't understand why I get so upset. But it's about respect, he tells me he won't, but goes aorund and does it anyway. It's like he's intentionally trying to piss me off. If it's something so little and insignificant, then why should it matter if I ask him to stop? But he argues if it's so insignificant why should it matter if I do it? This is the current argument.
And then, there's stage three, the hangover. He's grumpy, tired, and incredibly apathetic. I'm fuming angry about the whole weekend antics, and he's like, "Yeah. whatever." So nothing ever gets solved.
So what do I do? I've expressed my opinions, more than once, so what now? How do I get my point across? Or should I just damn well give up already, suck it up, and be "more chill" as he asks me to be?
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- From: danapain@xanga
- About Me: I just do surveys when I'm bored, no friends lock.
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Comments (49)
You need to express them one more time. And if he refuses to calm down his drinking (because it really does show that he is not being safe and responsible), then you need to tell him that you're leaving. State firmly that you can't always babysit him and sit quietly as it eats you up inside. It's not like you're asking him to give it up cold turkey. You're asking for the sake of his (and your) safety. And someone who disregards his and other people's safety is simply someone who does not deserve any respect.
Sounds like an immature and irresponsible guy that shouldn't be in a relationship. Dump him and find someone more responsible. IMO, he doesn't sound like boyfriend material. He needs to grow up.
How old is he? If he doesn't listen to you and could care less what you say, the longer you stay together, the worse it will get. In relationships, i've noticed that the honeymoon phase lasts way longer than 9 months, so if you're already having these kinds of problems, i think you need to get out now. Relationships are hard enough without having this to deal with.
Why do you think you can tell him what he can and can't do?? You can't change him. It sounds like you have had enough, so end it with him. Good luck!
I do agree that you need to tell him that you're outta there if he's not gonna calm himself. It's perfectly fine to have fun and drink, but it's another thing entirely to be down the road to being an alcoholic. It's not as hard as one might think you get alcohol poisoning. He can destroy his liver, go through kidney problems, etc. If he won't do it for himself, then what can you do? If he doesn't love himself and try to take reasonable measures to stay safe, then you're wasting your time. You've obviously put up with it long enough. You deserve a person who makes a conscious decision to be healthy. Does that mean being straight edge and not drinking at all? No. Your guy needs to find a balance between healthy and drunken fun.
i read this post because i felt like i could relate, but i think you've got it really bad. you should do what everyone else said- express how you feel one more time and if he doesnt care, you should stop caring too and leave him. it IS the road to becoming an alcoholic and since youre not married or have kids with him (i assume) then you should get out before youre in too deep. believe me, i know what it can turn into.,,
Maybe you should ask him to stop slowly. Like if he drinks 3 nights on weekends, tell him to cut it down to 2, with no facebooking or getting TOO shitfaced, then turn it down to 1 night, to occasional weekend things.
You totally described my ex boyfriend. I ended up leaving because I couldn't take it anymore.
Stop putting up with it and dump him. Stop "talking to him" about it... stop "expressing your feelings"... stop fuming,,, and LEAVE.
Break up with him.
The breaking point was 9 months ago. You shouldn't have to "put up" with anything like this.
Break up with him before it gets worse. And trust me, it will get worse.
This sounds like you really care for him, and there isn't anything wrong with that. Does he really care for you, though? Relationships are a two way street on everything- trust, honesty, love, responsibility, and appreciation. It doesn't seem like he's appreciating your relationship very much if he yells at you when you try to help him, and when you try to let him know that him drinking isn't ok with you. Instead of just sitting quietly, you need to approach him firmly and make it known that you will not stand for it. And offer to help him quit drinking; usually something like this can't be done cold-turkey or on your own. You need his support more than ever, but he also needs your support, too. Yeah, simply "dumping" him would be easier and probably smart, but how many times do you think that people have just dumped him as a boyfriend or friend? It just might be the reason why he drinks so much. If he refuses to listen and doesn't accept your support, that's when you know it's time to move on.
Let me tell you from the experience of someone who grew up with an alcoholic father and now watched an alcoholic brother kill himself slowly: If you are with someone that ENJOYS getting totally hammered to the point of feeling like death the next day or two, then turns around and does it all over again and again, you are with someone with a drinking problem. You then, become the enabler. Then you find yourself this co-dependant person in a miserable relationship that you feel indebted to. You feel like it's your job to "fix" him.
If the drinking is causing a problem in his relationships, it IS a problem. And if he can't see that, there's even more room for concern.
What is going to be the breaking point? When you decide you want better for yourself, for your life, for your future kids (if you plan on having any).
i get shitfaced every weekend, too, and LOVE drunk dialing/texting/emailing. the reason i won't tell you to stop bitching is that in my case, i'm a super happy drunk and send very loving, affectionate messages to the recipients of my drunk communiques, whereas it seems that your boyfriend is just kind of an asshole. (also, i don't get hungover, which means i'm not grumpy the next day.)
you've done what you could to get the point of across. he has a problem and he needs to deal with it. ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with in the future with him, if not then leave.
I have been here. Not as extreme and my worry was different, but I know what you mean. First, you will not be able to talk him out of it if he has already said no. The more you try, the less effective it will get.
My suggestion is to avoid him completely while he does this. Go and do something else with other people. Just get out of there. Disassociate yourself with it. And ignore his pleas for drunken sex etc.
If he asks what your doing, explain how his behaviour makes you feel (Don't mention why he shouldn't do it, he needs to realise that himself), and that you don't want to be around him. If he does it without you realizing, just walk out. Eventually this will lead to you feeling empowered, having lots of spare time to do things you like, and him to cease having you to lean on. If he continues or plunges deeper (after two weeks), ditch him. He may get his life back on track and if he does be around if you want to be. But don't tell him that and just get out of his life. If he quits. Happy days.
If it is something that you feel strongly about, then NO, do not let him get away with it. Do not push what you feel is right and what bothers you down for someone else. No matter how much you love the person, they should be able to respect you enough to realize that their actions are hurting you.
It sounds as though he is in denial about his problems and issues and that is why he reacts the way he does when you're trying to confront him about it.
I would say, take him out into a public place.. maybe his favorite restaurant or something like that. Start off the conversation like this "I do not want to fight with you about this but there is something that we need to communicate a little about". Give him a chance to explain why he is doing the things that he is doing. Keep your cool and just listen. Do not get upset and do not start criticizing him. If he does not want to talk about it in general, then tell him that you're starting to think that the two of you do not mesh together because of the drinking. BUT if you're going to make that kind of statement to him you're going to have to be willing to stop going out and getting wasted.
It's not fair to have expectations of him but then not have any of yourself and you just continue going out and doing whatever you want.
My boyfriend and I have made a commitment to each other that we are not going to drink for quite awhile... not even one, and we are going to avoid situations where we might be tempted, because both of our drinking had gotten out of control and at this point in our life, we cannot lose it all to become an alcoholic. We communicated about it, respected each others decision and know where we stand. If I was with someone who I wanted to get sober with but they kept insisting that they were going to go out and get hammered three times a week.... that would be a breaking point in the relationship for me. No matter how much I liked them or what our relationship was like. I would need to look out for myself first at that point in time, and I hope you'll do the same before things reach an intense level.
break up with him.
time to go
It sounds to me like he isn't worth it..
"And he doesn't just get tipsy, he gets absolutely hammered, to the point
of being unsafe, to the point of throwing up, and not being stable
enough to ride his bike home. I'm worried."
Err, what's the point in drinking if you don't get drunk? It's no fun if you leave sober enough to ride your bike home!!
Sounds like you two aren't right for each other though. He's too "immature" and "disrespectful" for you, and you're way too moany and suffocating for him if you can't be chill about it.
You're going to be the breaking point. If he won't quit for you, he's not worth it.
Sounds like this guy is an idiot. Why are you dating him?
You're describing my relationship with my ex! Just end things - you're not happy and believe me when I say it won't get any better.