I was talking with a friend recently about relationships. She was telling me how even though she is dating someone, she still feels like she needs to live some semblance of a "single" life. I asked her why, and she said that since she was previously in a really bad relationship, she felt like she'd grown too attached to her previous boyfriend, and didn't really do much of anything that didn't involve him. Her life was sort of consumed with her boyfriend and her relationship, and there was no individual left.
I mulled it over for a little bit, and realized something. She doesn't need to be "single" per se, since being single and being in a relationship are mutually exclusive. What she was missing in her life was not singleness, but separateness. And separateness in a relationship is vital.
It is commonly stated that relationships are 50-50. But that really isn't true. Relationships are 100-100. You both have to be a whole person in order to have a healthy relationship. And when there is no sense of separateness, you really are only half a person.
I was recently in a relationship that didn't work out, and one of the major problems we had was that my (now ex) boyfriend had no sense of separateness. Once we started dating, he literally gave up everything else in his life. He turned down work, stopped participating in his hobbies, wouldn't go out unless I went with him, ditched family events, hung up on his friends, all so that he could spend every available minute with me. In fact, whenever he got upset with me, he would complain about how he "gave up everything for me." My response: nobody asked him to.
I felt suffocated by his choice to give up everything for me, because he felt like his decision to do that obligated me to do the same. I simply can't do that. I work, I go to school, I coach, I mentor, I go to church, I work out, and I do my best to keep up a healthy social life in addition to those things. It's important to me to maintain my friendships, both male and female, even if I am romantically involved with someone. It's also important to me to maintain my hobbies. And really, those are the things that make you a whole person--your friendships and family relationships, your interests and hobbies and values. Those are the things that make you interesting.
As you can imagine, we fought a lot. He was constantly giving things up for me and trying to spend all of his free time with me. I was constantly trying to avoid giving up things for him and trying to hold on to the other aspects of my life that didn't include him. Since he didn't have a separate self, he didn't want me to have one either, and it was a constant battle to keep from melting into him. The truth is, though, his constant presence and desire for my attention actually made me resent him. When he wasn't around I felt relieved, like I could finally live my life. Eventually, we had to end things. The nice thing, though, is that separateness also helps you get through a breakup, because since you maintained your hobbies, it's easy to keep busy and since you maintained your friendships, you have people to spend time with and to lean on.
Singleness means not being in a relationship. Separateness means holding on to your whole self, even when you are in a relationship. And that separateness is your lifeline.
Recommend
Comments (8)
It is commonly stated that relationships are 50-50. But that really isn't true. Relationships are 100-100. You both have to be a whole person in order to have a healthy relationship. And when there is no sense of separateness, you really are only half a person.
BRA fucking VO.
A big AMEN.
I was like your ex bf, i gave up a lot of stuff. I don't know why I did, perhaps I thought that was what love was. I sacrificed a lot to spend time with her, and I felt happy with her so I wanted more of her. She felt the same way like you did and needed room to breathe. My excuse was that it was my first relationship. Things get confusing when you're part of the relationship. Once she broke up with me, I realized how utterly stupid I was.
I am back on track to being a whole person again. Family and friends came back and I have my own hobbies now.
However, I still believe there should always be a period of singleness after a breakup. It's a period of time where it's just YOU.
I think separateness is good in moderation. Too much of it, on the other hand, could cause a relationship to crumble. You enter a relationship and you're a 100. However, both people in the relationship need to reach a 50 - 50 point. You have to learn to compromise. You have to learn to give without giving too much and you have to learn to take without taking too much. Hence the term..."my other half."
In my opinion, you can't be in a good relationship if both parties involve are constantly trying to be a 100. Surely, that will result in a lot of arguments because both individuals will be too headstrong and too adamant to not "give up anything."
I do agree too much of either could be a bad thing. While being together, and giving up everything for each other is going to destruct the relationship... the two people must be willing to compromise on some things and be able to make time for each other. If you're the kind of person who is always trying to make plans or have activities to do outside your relationship, you should not expect it to be a healthy one either, and eventually that is going to make everything crumble, whether or not the person you are with is a self fulfilled person. Everyone needs love, attention and time. Some need more than others, so while getting into a relationship it's important to talk about these things, and find out whether or not the two of you are on the same level.
Also, I find couples who break up because they spend too much time together or not enough time together... are victims of not being able to communicate with their partner. Yelling and getting mad about things does not count as 'communicating'. Most couples need to talk about what they need/want and why they need and want those things. If you cannot do that with your partner without them being hurt or offended, then the relationship obviously isn't going to work out and that's when it needs to end. No more pussy footing around there in my opinion. Seems like you made this mistake in your relationship as well.
i love this post! seriously!
i feel that this is a huge issue with relationships now and days. i love being in relationships but i don't want to feel suffocated. i still need my space sometimes and the last guy i dated, gave me no space. he wanted all of me all the time. at first i thought it was so cute that he always wanted to spend time with me but after a while, i just felt a sense of jealousy and i felt like i couldn't breathe too much either. i think in relationships, there has to be some of kind of space as well for a relationship to work out.
Absolutely. The closer you hold something the more it slips through your fingers. I have still gotta perfect this though...
Well, relationships always have that sense of duality. Wanting to be separate and close, wanting to relieve all and wanting to keep some back, wanting to maintain a strong sense of self and wanting to have that "we" thing. Just how it is.
@drunkdevotchkababy@xanga - I agree and I disagree. If you are constantly trying to make plans with other people at the expense of your relationship, it's a problem. But if you are making plans with other people in addition to the time you spend with your SO, that's different. With him, he would come over basically every day, and when we weren't together, we'd talk on the phone multiple times (like 4 or more) times per day. It was to the point where I didn't have time to see anyone else because he was always around and I didn't have time to call anyone else because he was always calling and he'd get mad if I ended our conversation to talk to someone else, even if it was a family member. It's important to make time for both your SO and the other important people in your life, and we didn't have a good balance.