Friday, 19 August 2011
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Is It Possible to Have a Relationship Without Sex?
Being in college, I noticed a drastic change from how relationships functioned in high school. In high school, sex and hook ups were kept under the radar while actual relationships were flaunted in the open.
In college, it seems to be the exact opposite. It's completely acceptable to dry hump each other on the dance floor, but asking a guy on a date has to be conducted in the dark, silent hall way where no one will hear you.
Understandably, some people aren't looking for relationships, yet it's hard to separate them from the people who do for one simple reason: everyone, regardless of what they want, seems to be looking for sex. This has caused me to start wondering: is it even possible to start a relationship without any sex at all at this point?
Let me give you a bit of background on this pondering. I am an 18 year old virgin. This has nothing to do with religion or morals of any kind: personally, I believe that sex can make or break a relationship, especially in this day and age. I cannot see myself marrying someone without first testing them in the sack.
No, my virginity is due to the simple fact that I have not find the right guy yet. I'm not expecting to marry my first, but I at least want to deeply care for him. Also, I know that after doing the deed the first time, I will be emotionally attached to that person, meaning that whoever it is has to know what he's getting himself into. I would like to be in love with that person, but above all else, I want to know at that point and that time that I am emotionally, physically, and psychologically ready for sex.
This is when it becomes a bit of a problem. With sex being everywhere in college, how many guys would be willing to get into a committed relationship knowing that they may not have sex for months, maybe even a year?
This can be a huge problem, especially if the guy in question is not a virgin. I suppose I could try to find another virgin, but in college virgins of any kind are rare. Above all else, I want to care for the guy.
Maybe it would be better for me to have a relationship with another virgin, but having feelings for that person is more important. I would rather have a guy who I really have a connection with who is not a virgin than a guy who is a virgin but I'm not compatible with.
Unfortunately, I know that the relationship between a virgin and a non virgin is very complicated. Many guys will hear the "V word" and automatically think of those dreaded words such as "inexperienced," "clingy," or, worst of all "commitment."
At this age, it's not like I can lose it to anyone. At this point it's been around so long that I can't just throw it out with last week's TV guide. With all this in consideration, it's no wonder why guys tend to avoid pure maidens. After all, with all the things they have to deal with, it can be a challenge.
What are your thoughts? Would you date a virgin, knowing that you may not have sex for a very long time? If you are a virgin, have you experienced the same problems finding potential significant others as I have? Would a relationship between a virgin and a non virgin work or would the dynamics make it too complicated?
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- From: lynsandria678@xanga
- Name: lynsandria678
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- About Me: I am a college student. I am broke. I like learning languages and art. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
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Comments (90)
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a month and I'm a virgin and he's not. I'm waiting til marriage (not for religious reasons, just personal choice) and he's fine with that. So yes, it's absolutely possible to have a relationship without sex.
I was with my college girlfriend for nearly 8 months before we had sex and both lost our virginity at 19. It's not impossible, and guys that are fine with that kind of relationship are absolutely out there.
Everything you've said makes a lot of sense, but unfortunately I've never been in that position.
I can tell you I had a friend who stayed a virgin til she was 22 or 23, can't remember, and she had the same problem. After high school, she had tons of 1 month long relationships because the guys just couldn't wait longer than that.
She did eventually find someone who waited a year, proposed to her, then she had sex with him. He was not a virgin. Not even close. But he loved her enough to wait. Maybe.
The thing I don't understand about keeping your virginity is the need to be emotionally ready, it doesn't make sense to me. If you like/love someone, and sleep with them, it doesn't matter if they were your first or 100th, you will become very attached. And as far as I know, that doesn't stop as you age.
I wouldn't advise you to sleep with some random guy, but waiting months or a year seems like a lost cause. My friend I mentioned, was dumped by this guy 6 months later. Turns out the idea of a girl being interested in sex turns him way off romantically. He sees sex as something dirty you do with a skanky girl, and that's why he had no problem abstaining from my friend, because to him it wasn't something you DO with someone you love. This is just one scenario, but it seems likely that if you DO find a guy willing to wait, that by no means tells you that he will not break your heart or that there's is not some cryptic underlying sexual issues on his part.
If I were an 18 year old virgin... I'd probably treat it as if I wasn't. I'd go out with a guy, see if I like him enough and if we ever became exclusive, then go for it. You said you are waiting for the "right" guy, but you also said you don't expect to marry your first. In that case, I would definately drop the months and months rule.
im a virgin... I'm seeing a guy right now who defiantly isn't.. I'm one because any sort of insertion is painful for me, but even without knowing that he's the one who doesn't want sex.
He says that he would rather go slow, and that sex changes relationships.
But I have had guys cheat on me and sex around because THEY wanted it.
I think sex depends on him and you. Or her and you, however you go.
edit: btw I am 20 and he's 21, if age is important
we are both at stages in our life (me with overcoming extreme anxiety and him getting used to a sober life without hard drugs) where sex and dating wouldn't be healthy. It's not something for us right now.We go out every night and he pays for me and opens the door, and we kiss, but we aren't "dating" we aren't "exclusive" but we don't see others. It's just what we need right now.if we had met in some alternate universe where I didn't have anxiety and borderline abusive past relationships and if he had never touched the drugs then we would probably have sexsex is something that you and your partner need to work out. And you need to be mature enough to find someone who will respect where you are in life right now and how it will affect your relationships
Is it possible? I hope so. I mean, not forever, but until you know it's right, if that's what matters to you. Or if you want to save it for marriage. If someone really loves you, he or she should wait. If someone merely like you, he or she isn't going to wait.
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. We were both virgins when we started dating, we're still virgins now, and we will continue to be virgins until our wedding night. That's very important to both of us for religious reasons and reasons of our own.
There are definitely guys who can wait. Then there are some who think they can and really can't. But if it is important to you to wait until you're ready, a guy should be able to respect that or he's quite frankly not worth dating.
No. It's the thing you get to share with that one special person that brings closeness in the relationship. You can go periods of time without sex... but usually romance and passion (sex) makes for a healthy relationship. But then again, there are people that don't want sex. And if you can find a guy who doesn't want sex, then it might work. It is uncommon and rare, but not unheard of. If you just don't want sex for now, but later, then that's normal. A guy that loves you will understand if you want to wait.
I'm sure it is possible with the right person who loves you enough to wait.
I waited until I fell in love with the right guy and I knew he loved me, too. I waited until I was 25. I don't know if this is the guy I will marry or not, but it's definitely worth waiting for. My first time was amazing and it helps when you are with a guy who knows what he's doing and really wants to take care of you the whole time.
The thing is, I was a virgin until 25 because I didn't really have the chance to lose it before then. When I started dating my boyfriend I suddenly had to ask myself if I wanted to wait until marriage or not. My boyfriend never pressured me, but I knew he wasn't a virgin and probably wanted to have sex with me. But he told me "Even if we never have sex, I still want to date you."
THAT is the type of guy I recommend losing your virginity to. In fact, I surprised him when we did it for the first time. I went over to his home and was like, "let's have sex." He was shocked because he thought I was planning on waiting longer to do it.
I think there are great guys out there who will accept that you're a virgin and that you have high standards and a high self-esteem. They will respect you and will not pressure you. They will still love you. Sex is very important to a relationship, but it is not EVERYTHING about a relationship. My boyfriend still loves me even if I cannot have sex with him that very day (we're in a long-distance relationship at the moment). A real guy will still respect and love you and WILL NOT PRESSURE you if he is mature, really in love with you, and has high standards of his own.
I applaud you for waiting until the right guy/moment come along. Too many women rush into it and do not enjoy their first time. I encourage other women to wait until they're ready.
I promise it's worth the wait.
Your mentality about sex pretty much mimics what mine was when I was 18/19 (I'm 20 now). My thoughts on giving my virginity were for the most part this: Above all, I wanted to trust the person, and I didn't want to regret who I shared my virginity with.
But I felt the things you felt. I was worried that I wouldn't find someone willing to wait, and at one point I felt the pressure to lose it. I was dating this guy, and although I didn't trust him, after 8 months of dating I felt he was going to leave me if I didn't have sex with him. He was 22 and I was 18 and he wasn't a virgin. So, one day we were in my room and he wanted to have sex and it didn't happen. And I cried because I really liked him and wanted to be with him, but I just didn't feel right about having sex with him (because I didn't trust him not to hurt me).
I found out later, after I moved on, that this dude had a girlfriend of 4yrs while he was dating me. yeah, you can better believe I'm glad I didn't screw up and give it up to him.
Only a few weeks after that incident, I met my current boyfriend. He wasn't a virgin either, and he knew right upfront that I was. He honestly didn't care though, and he was willing to be committed to me without having sex (or at least waiting for it). He told me he thought he was going to have to wait 6 months, at the least, to have sex with me.
Turned out I shared my virginity with him within only two months of dating. He was fully committed to me, loved me, and I trusted him. We had sex because I wanted to (and he did too) and I honestly feel it was one of my best decisions.
Ironically, my mom was a virgin until she was 21 and met my dad. She also had sex so early (only 2 months in too) because she told me she trusted him.
So my suggestion is to go with you gut. If it feels right, do it, if it doesn't don't.
There are nice guys out there who will understand. It might be a lot harder to find them, but in the end they will be worth it. If you are not saving yourself for marriage (which is wonderful if you decide to) then I wouldn't put a specific time frame on it. Just go with it. Good luck!
I would not be able to have a relationship without (as I'm hypersexual), but there are nonvirgins that would be willing to wait. They're probably the minority though...but if they really love you, they will wait.
My boyfriend was a virgin until losing his virginity to me at 25 years old. I am addicted to sex and there is no way I could ever be in a sexless relationship. I think it's important to be sexually compatible [as well as physically, emotionally, mentally, etc] before you can know for sure that the person you're with is the one for you.
Sex is a natural thing and as human beings we have urges and instincts to want to f*ck each other.
Sure, someone who wishes to remain a virgin could have a relationship without sex if both people involved are okay with that, but for me... no way.
I was a virgin and my ex wasn't - he was 23 and i was 19. I kept feeling so stressed out when it came to thinking about having sex with him, cos he would always compare me to his ex of 4 years (he's only slept with 1 girl), and it really put me off. And of course it made me feel insecure to have him always thinking about her, so i always put off having sex with him.
He dumped me in the end, for reasons i don't know, but let's just say i'm glad i listened to myself and not him. I'm definitely going to wait for a guy who i know loves and cares about me whole-heartedly.
I've never actually dated a non-virgin so I can't comment on differing dynamics. But I have been in 2 long term relationships that did not include sex. Yes, they wanted sex, but they respected and loved me. As a result of this, they never pushed for it. Oh and by the way, the first lasted 3 years from 18 years of age; the second is ongoing, currently nearing 1 year and from 21 years of age. So don't give up hope. If the guy doesn't respect your decision for not having had sex or not wanting sex, then he's not worth your time.
When I was 19 I lost my virginity...to my boyfriend of 8 months. He was not a virgin. I didn't even care about my virginity though, and we fooled around a lot.
If you're willing to do other things than sex, you'll probably have an easier time finding a boyfriend who will "wait" but at the same time I would say if a guy's being pushy he's not the guy you want to lose your V card to anyway. Just be honest and up front if you like a guy and tell him he can decide if waiting is something he wants to do....I wouldn't want to wait a year for sex though, so I would probably say, we'll see what happens in six months. That's just me.
If your future bf loved you, he wouldn't force you. That's all I have to say.
I was with someone for three years who was paralyzed and physically couldn't have sex. I don't know if it's always likely, but it is possible. It depends on the people involved.
if a gf loved you, she wouldn't manipulate you by withholding pleasure and giving you blue balls
Yes but it sucks.
my guy isn't a virgin but he has been on a celibacy vow for a while and will re-save sex for marriage lol this is the first guy that told me that he wouldn't have sex and it took me by surprise. I'm not pressuring him and he isn't pressuring me. the sexual tension is rather exciting because he's so hot and I want him badly but we aren't having sex or doing any other sexual activities. I asked him if he can resist me and he said that he has self control and is a grown man now
so adorable and sexy
I've been in other relationships when I was younger with no sex and it can work depending on the two people involved if discussed prior and both are willing to maintain the boundaries.
@testyman666@xanga - Obvious troll is obvious but really, pleasure doesn't just have to come from sex.
I don't really think that a guy will immediately think negatively towards you just because you're a virgin. I started dating my current boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 19 (we're 21 and 23 now) and I was a virgin while he was not. He actually really liked it because he thought it said a lot about me that I didn't throw it away. We had sex a few months into knowing each other and he has never told me that I was inexperienced or whatever. I think he rather liked the awkwardness of it because it made him feel good that he was the first one to ever be that kind of intimate with me. I did have sex with two other guys after him and I broke up before I went to college and it was definitely not very fun haha. We got back together right before I turned 19 and we've always had awesome sex even though we both haven't had many partners. Just find someone that is willing to be patient with you about it and who isn't expecting you to be super awesome. You just have to have fun with it and be ready. The rest is easy after that.
@rAzOrKisS09@xanga - well, see, i was going to say that exact same thing, but then i look down and you put it. so i guess there's no need. Congrats to you. i hope things continue to work out.