Thursday, 18 August 2011
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Dating Older People, What's the Cut-Off?
How old is too old? I’m seeing someone who is 6 years older than me which if you think about it, it doesn’t really sound that bad. He’s 27 and I’m 21.
I think it depends more on at what age the age gap is occurring. At times I feel like there can be a disconnect especially when it comes to what he wants out of his life at the moment and what I want out of my life at the moment.
Around your late twenties, you start to consider more possibilities of settling down, while at your early twenties the possibilities of where you’ll be next are endless.
I enjoy having my life be so variable. I enjoy not being tied down to anything specifically, but I think in some ways my “everything goes” mentality can be a little bit too contrasting with his.
I know that it is because of my mentality he is also attracted to me, but at the same time I can also feel him yearning for stability at times and as much as I wish I could say I am stable, I’m not.
Could this be due to our age difference or is it simply a matter of personalities?
I don’t know if I will be this way when I am at his age (I hope not), but maybe certain things need their own timing before they can blame. I know it sounds kind of corny, but in all seriousness I think it may be true.
I wonder what is a decent age gap and at what age is the most logical to date someone older than you.
Lately, especially, I’ve been thinking that maybe the age gap may be a little too wide at this moment in our lives.
There are so many things that I haven’t even begun to think about that are part of his daily life. I really love this guy, but I don’t want this disconnect to continue if this relationship is going to progress.
Could it be possible for me to grow up a little quicker with this guy or am I trying to speed up a stage of my life that needs its own time to complete its phase?
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About the Author
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- From: savyadvice
- About Me: Born and raised in NYC, I am about to be a senior in college, and still feel clueless about exactly what I'm going to do after I graduate. For most of my life, I haven't been involved in anything too serious except for one relationship 2 years ago and one that is progressively getting serious now. Dating can be really exciting or extremely stressful sometimes, I'm excited to try and unblur (just coined a new word) the fine lines between the two here on this site. =)
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Comments (18)
My grandpa who is 83 says that old farts need love too - however they can get it. They aren't picky about the age being too young.
My first boyfriend was 22 when I was 17 when we started dating. He wasn't ready to settle down or anything but he kept dropping out of college and became more and more sad. I thought that if I hurried up and turned 18 and moved out with him we'd be okay. but I didn't mature quick enough and we ended up splitting because of it. I think that twenties are the toughest because, like you said, there's so much we can do that it's hard to predict where we'll be in a year or even a few months. Now, I'm 21 and he's 26. He's got a gf that's 18 and he's ready to settle down while she's still like "OMG LMAO LET'S GO TO CHUCKIE CHEESE!" say what? :0 ANYWAYS, time will help with your decision! If he wants to settle down but you don't want to, it may be best to break it off
Whatever you're comfortable with. Whatever makes you happy. Only the people involved know the dynamics of the relationship, and I think the success or fail of a large age difference has more to do with the people involved than the age difference itself.
But dating a 32 yr old was pretty awkward. Every time he came out with my friends he was THE oldest person because I was the oldest in that crowd. No matter which crowd we hung out, either he's the oldest or I'm the youngest (when we're hanging out with his all married friends with kids that are 5-6 yrs old). He liked 80s soft rock and I listened to current music, wanted to go out and catch the latest movies and be active, while he was happier bumming around, playing video games and staying in all by his lonesome self.
The age gap does that I think. But if you can mesh well and there isn't a HUGE gap, then I think you can work it. But anywhere beyond 6 yrs diff, esp. if you are 21, is pushing the boundaries too far. But that's my personal opinion.
I don't know. There's a creep out factor that varies from couple to couple. It's not a set thing.
It's what you want, but from what i've seen, don't rush responsibility.
Story w/i a story: my main income for years now has been babysitting. I love babysitting for older parents, because they say what they mean. If they say they'll be home around 10, they walk in the door either 9:45 or right at 9:59. If they promise me $10 an hour, they pay me $10 an hour. On the other hand, the younger moms (i.e. mom is ~25 with a 4 or 6 year old, or ~21 with a 3 & 2 year old) tend to call me at 10pm (time to be home) and ask me if i can stay later, and i end up staying till 3 or 4 am. I've had the younger mom's come home so drunk that they can't even get in their own house and stand there ringing the door bell. I've even had a mom "fall asleep" at her bf's house and accidentally leave her kids at my place for the night. What's my point?? You can tell that the younger moms - the ones forced to get responsible before they were ready to settle down - have this urge to break free of "adulthood" and become young again. It's as if they long to have the irresponsibility that other 25 yr olds have. Ya they're great moms, ya they love their kids and provide well for them, and no they wouldn't trade their lives for the world, but I do sense some jealousy they have of their peers who are 25 with few responsibilities, that can go out, party, get drunk, and just not care. What my main point here is: you can force yourself to grow up, but honestly it seems as though those who grow/develop into responsibility become better/happier people.
So... I have noticed that females do develop hella faster than males. I personally became interested quite a few times in men 5-7 years older than me, mostly because we were able to connect on a more mature level. I think that's a good range. Anything over that seems too much in my opinion. I'm not saying they don't work, but the difficulties will grow. Think about this: when you're 50, he'll be 60 (assuming all stays the same in the economy - which it won't but it's an example) and looking at retirement, which you probably won't do for 10 years. That's ten years of him being retired while you work. Or by the time you finally do retire (say 65 or 60) he'll be nearing 70 with a ton of health problems (most likely) that could prevent a fun retirement together. 5 years just seems so much more doable with that.
All in all, it's all about the people involved. We can look on and see that "he's using u for sex" or that "he's keeping you around to look cool", but we're not there when the doors are closed.
My dad's 61, and my mom's 53. They... work, I guess. Then again, my dad also does things like start new businesses at age 55. I think they're both perpetually stuck in their 30s.
I think a decent age gap is whatever YOU'RE comfortable with.
My husband and I have quite an age gap. Yes, it has its challenges, but I fell in love with him for him, not his age.
I think the "rules" regarding age are the same as any other "rule"...is the relationship healthy? In other words, are both parties getting what they want out of it, are both of them growing and prospering and having more fulfilled lives because of the relationship? If so, it's all good. If someone is feeling cheated, left behind, rushed, pressured, bored or out of place...whether the reason is age or something else, the relationship is a no go.
As long as all parties are above the age of consent who cares? Of course it would be a bit eye-raising for a 19 year-old to date a 45 year-old, but as long as it is a consensual relationship, it's really no one's business but the partners involved.
For me, I would be a little hesitant to date someone who was 10+ years older than me just out of fear that we would have nothing in common. Sorry if I'm rambling. I just had my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday morning, so I'm on oxycodone right now. So I'm a little bit 'off' right now lol.This topic is getting redundant.
I wanna date someone 1-3 years older, my age is fine too but I don't like the guys my age. Younger is a no for me at this point, maybe that'll change when I'm a little older. Too old is uncomfy for me, it just doesn't feel equal.
I'm 21 and I'd say my cutoff would be a guy about 25-26. Somewhere between 22 and that. For some reason I'm completely against someone younger than me.But at 21 I think a guy older than like 26 would be ready for kids and marriage and I'm totally not ready for that at this point.
My SO is about 9 years older than I am. I'm 21, he's 30. I'm more mature and not looking for the same things most stereotypical 21 year olds are which makes our relationship work out great (so far!). Don't take this the wrong way, but if you're still at the "I'm attracted to you" stage in your relationship, and not at the "I'm in love with you" stage, then I think there's still time for you to make a decision without the attachments being too deep. I would say your best option is to sit down and talk about it. Tell him straight up, you're not looking to commit to being a wife and mother (or whatever else you're worried about)until several years down the road (if at all!) and his response/reaction should tell you all you need to know. If you don't agree on what you're looking for in a relationship, it's better to find out sooner rather than later.
don't speed up on growing up just bc you're dating someone older. if you feel that your maturity is not to his then maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.
I think it depends on the maturity and also age (I know redundant lol )
but to me a 5 year gap between 15 and 20 is A LOT bigger than 25 and 30 because of maturity
My parents are almost 10 years apart. They didn't meet 'till Mom was 23 and he was 32. And it's cute cuz they met at a wedding! He was in the band, she was a bridesmaid...you know the story. haha.