Thursday, 18 August 2011
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Extending Out of the Friend Zone
For about a year and a half, I've hopelessly liked one of my guy friends. When we met, I referred to him solely as my "soul mate" to my friends. He was just the sweetest, most interesting guy I had ever met in my life. Every conversation flowed perfectly and he seemed to truly care about my thoughts and opinions. The problem was twofold: He was going to Romania* and I was going to Greece* to study abroad.
With that said, I chose to keep my feelings to myself. He went away, then I went away. Months passed and we kept in contact. We both arrived back in the States and still chatted frequently while located about an hour away from each other by car. I got sick with a stomach disease, was going to school full-time, and working full-time. He was applying to grad schools across the country and working full-time.
In the end, he chose a grad school in a nearby city and starts there in a few days. I'm still working a full-time job and finishing up my undergrad degree, but I have much more free time now that I'm not sick anymore. In addition, I've been applying for jobs in the city in hopes to move there soon.
We'd be in the same city.
About two weeks ago, we decided to go out to quiz night at a bar in the city and split a hotel room for convenience sake. To make a long story short, instead of going to quiz night, we sat on a park bench and dog-watched (swoon), then had some fancy drinks before going back to the hotel and... hooking up. Everything but sex itself.
It was by far the sweetest encounter of my life despite the inebriation. Hours after the alcohol wore off, we didn't move. He had his arm around me and kept kissing my forehead, shoulders, back.
I finally got up to get a shower, and then switched to the other bed in the room because he was still sleeping. We both had pretty bad hangovers the next day, and nothing was said about the drastic change in our friendship.
For the next week, I was prancin' on a cloud in glee. After so long of secretly liking him, something had happened!
But then I noticed something: days were going by and still, we hadn't talked about what happened. And there were no plans to hang out again, either.
So a week ago, I texted him asking him to call me when he wasn't busy. Two seconds later, my phone rang. After exchanging pleasantries, I decided to be blunt.
"What happened last week? Did I make it up in my head or something?"
"Well, we.. kissed."
"And?"
"And.. other.. stuff. I don't think we had sex though."
"Yeah definitely not."
"It all happened really fast. I'm never that forward. We were both drunk. If we hadn't been, I'm sure we would've slept in separate beds."
"Yeah."
"What's wrong?"
"What?"
"You seem quiet."
"Nah, I'm just thinking."
Here ends the extent of us talking about what happened.
In the time since, we still have continued to talk every day, but here's the problem I'm encountering:
I don't think I can be friends with him right now-- my feelings were (and are) way too strong. I really thought something was there beyond a drunk mishap. But at this point, my mind won't stop thinking about him. I'm always so picky about who I like, but I didn't even have a choice in this case. I instantly fell for him and no time or distance has been able to shake that feeling.
I don't know where to go from this point, other than to keep focusing on school and work, and see what the future holds.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? Were you able to remain friends?
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About the Author
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- From: journohospitality@xanga
- Name: K.
- About Me: I work for sisters hotels while finishing up my Journalism degree. I've been to thirteen countries and one of my main life goals is to live abroad once more. The world is just too beautiful to be grounded in one location.
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Comments (11)
at that point i would have to tell him and walk. if you just walk, it'll always bug you that you didn't tell him, so you gotta, even if he ends up breaking your heart. you'd feel better overall. and you'd feel freer after you walked.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - In total agreeance.
If it would never happen while you two were both sober, I'd expect that he doesn't have those feelings for you. I know how agonizing it can be to have those feelings for someone and them not be returned. It can be torturous to be around that person. I usually preferred to save face by not telling that person how I felt but also distancing myself from them.
There will be other guys that you like as much as him, he won't be your last.
I would say definitely talk more honestly about the situation and tell him how you feel. He doesn't seem interested but he could also just not know how to deal with the situation...I don't know. You won't either unless you guys have a real conversation.
One major thing to remember is that in
someways, guys are just like girls! When they are conflicted with their emotions, they don't always make the best decisions. They make a move they didn't intend, or they may also cover an intended move as just a drunken mishap because they don't know how YOU feel. They can be as complicated as us, so you definitely need to talk to him. Maybe go out for drinks and you can both let your guards down
lol, wtf?? I'm not sure why my comment got disjointed like that...
@thisiswhereItellyoueverything@xanga - @lissa44335@xanga - I'm with you guys.
This could totally go both ways. He could have hooked with you, cuz you were both drunk, and easy. Or maybe he's wanted it forever too and didn't know how to tell you because he doesn't know how you feel, and the alcohol just helped it to come out and/or became an excuse.
Definitely talk to him. You'll be miserable until you do. To me, it's wayy more miserable to "not know" than to get rejected (maybe this is me) so I'd rather get hurt, and get over it, then constantly wonder. I'm amazed you've made it this far.
Years ago, I was really into a close guy friend. Same thing, we have the similar outlooks, and he's really sweet, and interesting, and always available to give advice, or just listen, blah blah. But I told him how I felt, he didnt return the sentiment, and we were awkward for five minutes.. until he said something off-topic, and then conversation was back to normal. Inside, I was hurt, and honestly it took me months to really get over him, but I didn't want to lose him as a friend so I just forced myself to get over and I did.
It may be a little awkward for a while, but if you both actively try to take it well (he tried to alleviate the awkwardness by just being straightforward, apologizing for not feeling the same way, and not standing around looking awkward, and I tried to keep it to "I'm just telling you fyi, I'm not expecting you to change your mind or anything, and I'm not going to push it, just want to be friends" without actually saying that, and it worked pretty well
Now he's definitely one of my best friends, and we're both happily in serious relationships with other people.
On slightly differently notes: some guys insist that a guy wont take the time to talk to you unless he actually likes you - either as a person (you're interesting/fun/etc) or as a potential date. I don't think you would still be talking after this long, if all he wanted was a lay. So either way, you win kinda.. you get a friend or a boyfriend (unless you can't handle being just friends with him)
Also, if it turns out that he just wanted your body anyway, and didn't actually like you for your personality and stuff, would you still want to be with him? Does that change anything for you?
TLDR: Tell him, and talk about it. Be prepared to walk and never talk to him again. Also be prepared to get over your feelings and just be friends with him even if that takes months to really happen. But there's a strong possibility that he actually likes you too, so definitely let him know.
Regret over not finding out what could have happened and "not knowing" are much more painful in the long run than getting rejected straight out. I promise, there are other amazing single men out there, even if this one doesn't like you.
I completely agree with @Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga. Should tell him, it makes me think about Something Borrowed. They both liked each other and never knew it because they were both to scared to say something. It could very well be something like that between the two of you if you honestly don't know where he stands and he doesn't know where you stand. I wish you luck!
I think you should say something and agree with almost everyone above. Guys can be just as confusing and he may have hid behind the drunken excuse. Tell him how you really feel and learn the real answer. You guys actually have the time to be together now, so I say do it. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You'll still have an excellent friend. [But my gut is telling me that he wants you so go for it.]
haha. just read your blog. guess i was wrong!
Awesome picture
I have as a guy, but I think it's alwasy different and usually more painful as a guy, c'est la vie?