Tuesday, 16 August 2011
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Getting Over Heartbreak
This isn't a how-to guide. It's a me-begging-for-advice post. I broke up with my boyfriend of six months the other day. He was my first real boyfriend, and we had gotten so close over the past six months that it broke my heart to end it. The reason we had to end it was because he's going to a different state for summer research for the rest of the summer and is going to a college that's about five-six hours away from mine next year (we're both recently-graduated seniors). So pretty much, there's no chance of us staying together. We both agreed that it would be impractical to try and stay together because we both don't handle jealousy very well, and the long distance would only further incite petty bickering and such.
I don't love him. Or, I don't think I do. And he doesn't feel the same towards me either. I don't feel that we're ready to say such a thing to each other because I'm young, naive, and confused. I always felt that the moment you knew you truly loved someone came as a revelation, and you knew beyond a doubt that you really did love that person. But I never felt that way. It would be on the tip of my tongue sometimes, but I always refrained because I was confused and unsure. Anyway, correct me if I'm wrong about the love ordeal, but that's not really the point of this post.The point is, how do I get over him? I know things will get better and things will be okay again, but it's this period of suffering that I don't know how to get past. I feel lonely and empty and wanting to cry all the time, which makes me feel pathetic and desperate. People tell me to get out and go hang out with my friends, but most of my friends have left the country for the duration of this summer, and I have kind of an overbearing mother who still keeps a tight leash on me and pretty much allows me out with friends maybe once or twice a month.Whenever I'm alone, when I'm about to fall asleep, when I wake up, even if I'm just sitting at home on the computer, something reminds me of him and I can feel the burn of tears behind my eyes again.I hate feeling this way, and I know there's no shortcut out of this, but what (besides cartons and cartons of ice cream and then a healthy dose of running to burn it off) can I do to help me through this? Sometimes I get so depressed that it physically hurts, and I'm scared I won't have the strength to stop myself from doing something stupid.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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- From: lazerXangel@xanga
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Comments (21)
Time.
Until then, just try to keep yourself busy.I wrote a lot after my first break up. It got a lot off my chest and it just felt good. My friends would come over or I'd go to them. My job kept me pretty busy from sulking around my house too much. School was a great distraction as well.
Talk to other people. Look all over in various forums and blog sites for different people to chat with or learn from. That's what I've been doing the past few days and it has helped me feel immensely less lonely, even though it is just random strangers on the internet. It's worse to isolate because then you just keep fixating on the person you miss, instead of the fact that there are wonderful people all over the place. Reconnect with yourself outside of other people as well. Do whatever makes you feel good about life (but doesn't remind you of him in a negative way). Focus on healing, not dwelling on the loss. Convince yourself that you should be focused on doing anything that helps you heal.
And time, like the person two above me side. Every day gets just a tiny bit easier. Promise.
Someone shared this video with me, that I thought was pretty helpful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs
GIRL. I just went through a breakup too. I can relate with the whole being reminded of him all the time. It blows. Honestly though, time is really the only solution. There will come a day where you go 24 hours without thinking about him. Let yourself be sad for a while. It's ok to not be ok. But never stop being strong. You can get through this and become a better person because of this experience.
I cried a lot during my last break-up but other than those dreadful moments, I took the time to do things I didn't get a chance to when I was still with my recent ex. Do things that make you feel good, whether it be shopping, eating at classy places, dressing up, going to the gym, blogging, reading, watching movies, going to events etc. Occupy yourself. However, I wasn't able to do this for a while, I shut myself from the world at first. You can only be helped if you want to be helped. I needed help but I didn't want it at the time. All I wanted to do was mourn for the past. Open yourself again only when you're ready, it'll be much better that way, don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to. Take it slowly, one step at a time, you will heal someday far from now. You will feel pain now but it won't last forever. The immediate road ahead of you won't be easy, but it won't get harder. Hang in there, wish you all the best.
A few years ago, I thought I had one of my first real relationships ever. When we broke up, I started slacking in school more, wasn't in the mood to do anything. Then one day, I snapped out of it. I said I deserve better and I'll find better. I thought I liked him a lot so it was tough. We stopped talking for a few months and I later on learned that he has a new gf who is now his wife some years later. It doesn't phase me at all that he's married because I'm with someone better and I knew a new person I'd connect with more would come along in the future just didn't know when.
I'm in a LDR, too...he's 4 to 5 hours away as well. During the summer, I went up to his awesome new place but due to recent situations not related to a 3rd party but work, I won't be able to see him for a while. It's also my fault on this I messed up and he's taking it pretty hard he won't be able to see me for a while, so am I, but we still try to talk. We still want to work it out so we talk every day so I guess that might not work for you since you want to end it. In the case that you want to permanently end it, this is what I did with my previous relationship I've been mainly focusing on my work and making money, hanging out with friends, etc. Then before I knew it, I started being into someone else. Look for a job as an excuse to get out of the house. Are you old enough to work? Not only that, you'd make money and meet new people.
Sorry to hear it :( breakups are tough.
I actually recently went through a pretty rough breakup myself. And the worst part is, since it's summer, I have a lot of free time -- which means a lot of time to think about the relationship and the breakup.
The others are right, time is the most important factor. Beyond that, find a really good friend or two (or a family member) that is a good listener, and reach out to them in your really tough moments. I actually called a friend of mine and told her I needed her to be my therapist for a while. She agreed (how awesome is she?!) and just listened to me vent about how hard it was, and was really supportive.
I also spend time going out with friends, doing dinner, going dancing, etc. I've also been spending more time doing things I didn't have much time/opportunity to do while we were together (stuff around my house, hanging out with friends I don't see much, reading a lot, etc.). And just generally keeping busy doing things I enjoy- shopping, reading, writing. And since I'm on vacation, I've had time to do some exploring, doing new things like going to see shows or visiting museums or taking tours.
Keep busy. Rediscover yourself and the things you love. Reach out to people who care about you when you really need them. And most importantly, give yourself time to heal. It's okay to be upset, to cry, to miss him, to miss the relationship. It will get better with time.
I feel time doesn't always heal every wound, but it definitely helps.
Since you said you didn't love him, but the break up is hitting you hard, maybe it's missing being in a relationship that is the heartbreak, as much as the particular guy. There are so many nice things about being in a relationship. Until the friends get back, spend some time updating your wardrobe maybe go for a new hair style or color. Get excited about having another relationship. And when the time comes, you'll feel good, frisky and ready.
I think writing is a great idea, but not just about how lousy you feel, but about all the nice things in the relationship too, and since he wasn't the one and only for you, look forward to building another great relationship full of those sorts of great things too. Look forward!
The pain will ease up after awhile. Usually it's because part of us is scared that we won't ever find anything or anyone good, but there are over 6 billion people in the world, sooo...if we keep our options open, there are probably a few hundred thousand of them that would make nice potential partners for us.
I am a LOT older than you, have been through a few serious break ups, and in my experience, looking forward is much better than looking back.
i feel the same.alone sucks especially if yu have bad friends like i do. i don have a support system and i have an appt soon w the air force.getting away and never coming back.but yea time will heal,not sure for how long but everyone is right
The main piece of advice is to keep yourself busy
The other piece of advice that I wish someone told me was go ahead and act on your feelings. Cry. Eat ice cream. Watch your favorite TV show over and over again. Indulge the grief for a little bit.This is not about crying over a boy. This is about crying because of something that happened to you.After a week, end the grief period whether you want to or not and do something. Read at the very least.Out of sight, out of mind. Hide things that remind you of him. I put everything into a box. Learn to love things by yourself. My ex helped me buy the cologne I use. Reminded me of her every time, but I learn to love the cologne because it is good. It's re-learning how to love things by yourself. I vented out to friends, but find real friends and not mutually friends with the person too so they are on your side :) haha. Do things that make you feel happy! Stay positive and don't think too much about it. Over time, you will feel better.
Think of it as a "this period that I'm hurting is going to make stronger in the future". Yes, it hurts like a bitch but like you said no short cuts so you got to go through with the anger. Keeping yourself busy and distracted helps you cope with reality. But also being on your own helps you understand that in the end you made the right and mature thing to do. You are alot more insightful than many people my age and I'm pretty sure I am older than you. Maybe you should start readings lots of books to keep you distracted? I watched alot of movies. =| ...ALOT. hahaha
you really have to focus on you and stay positive and keep busy. (just like everyone else's advice). you have to look at this break up as something that will make you stronger in the end of things. you cant let this bring you down.
i went out with friends a lot. i talked a lot about the situation and sought advice from all sorts of people. it was really an emotional roller coaster. one minute im thinking i can do this. i can live without being with him and then the next im having a breakdown because he just was at my work picking his brother up.
i got over my ex also by working. i worked all the time to focus my attention on something else. i didnt want to cope with reality like the post said above me, yeh dont do what i did. definitely follow that advice.
just try and take things one day at a time. youre going to have your good and bad days. time, in this case, is really your worse enemy.
i promise everything will be ok though.
i really wish you luck :)
I recently broke up with someone I was with for 3.5 years. I loved and cared for him deeply but he grew apart and no longer saw eye to eye. Breaking up was devastating but we both knew it was right for now. I found it surprisingly easy to get over him. I think it was because I got rid of anything and everything that reminded me of him and "us". I still have the pictures and items but they are in boxes in my basement storage. I deleted his pictures from my phone and facebook. I untagged myself from all pictures with him on facebook and blocked his facebook statuses from showing up on my newsfeed (you could unfriend him, too). I also forced myself to imagine him moving on, dating other women, and forgetting about me. This made me feel like I should also move on. I immediately started getting myself interested in dating again. I joined Okcupid and found that looking at cute boys and adding things to my profile was great for keeping my mind off him. It also got me excited to meet new guys.
Let yourself be upset but don't let it get out of control. Cry or reminisce for 5 minutes and move onto something that makes you happy. Talk to people who empower you and make you feel good about yourself. Try to cutoff all contact from him unless absolutely necessary. You could even delete his number from your phone. Talking to him and texting about the break up or missing each other only drags it out and makes it that much harder. Don't do it.
Coming from a similar place, and even though I don't know you, I'm inspired by your bravery. Staying with someone when you know it won't work is the easy option...breaking it off is hard. You're strong, so remind yourself of that and let it carry you through this.
Not dwelling on it, and socializing, busying yourself is the best bet. There's no formula..just trial and error and your own experiance
It's always difficult to get out of a relationship, and when you get out of your first real one, it's absolutly normal to feel down. The important thing to remeber is that cliche as it is: life goes on. This is a small thing in the grand scheme of things.
Hell, I just seperated from my ex of 2.5 years...about 3 months ago, and he's already looking around. Yeah, that hit hard, but I remembered that it's trivial in the grand scheme of things (eg whats going no in the world). You will have so much experiances, both negative and positive later on. Take it as an opportunity to learn. :3
Yeah heartbreak sucks...it took me about a year to get over my ex boyfriend. I took the opportunity to journal how i got through the process and now i'm blogging about it. pop on over to my blog and give me an opinion and let me know if it helps u at all.
by the way, it WILL get better, trust me. Every girl deserves her happiness and you are no different :)
cashna-olivia.blogspot.com
I noticed a lot of people say not to dwell on it, keep yourself busy, etc.
But on another perspective: Sometimes, the above mentioned DOES work and is WONDERFUL advice. But then sometimes, for me, I will allow myself to wallow in sadness for a few days- I curl up on the couch with old movies, maybe a book, listen to sad songs, cry my eyes out- yah know, really play out the whole heart break role for a few days. Then after a few evenings of this, maybe as little as one or two nights, I get fed up with sitting around and crying about it, Ive had all the time to think about it that I can possibly stomach, and I call some friends, go out, and move on with my life.
Just wanted to point out that sometimes that mourning period is needed. :) Cry about it till you're bored of crying about it. Works for me.
yeah the normal thing to do would be to keep busy and all.
maybe that works for some but for me it comes crashing/gets to me when im feeling really vulnerable.
so my humble advice would be to face it. weep and mourn about it as much as you want.
when you feel like youre all drained and done, get out of the house.
go party, go meet new people, just spend time with your mates.
it takes time but you will get thru it.