Monday, 15 August 2011
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Emotions Over Sex?
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about relationships, sex and love. He made the comment that most women will overlook bad sex just because they are in love with someone. I laughed, but then he said, "You've NEVER been with anyone who was bad, or even just alright in bed because you loved them? Don't worry. I'll wait." And I had to admit that to some degree he was right.
I'm not saying ALL women are like that, or that I have been that way in all of my relationships. Honestly, I'm more of the type of woman who will try to "train" (for lack of a better term) the man I love if I feel I am not being sexually satisfied. I mean, I have known so many friends who have told me that they just aren't satisfied in their relationship, but still stay. I was with my ex fiance for two years, and I guarantee if it was the sex that kept me, I would have left after the first time. I mean, he wasn't horrible like "What the hell?" but he wasn't good either. He was very well endowed but he just didn't know what to do with it.
I started to think back on the relationships I had, and honestly, as sad as this sounds, I can only think of two (including the one I am in now) that were really good sexually. The rest were just... okay. I assume maybe it's because most women don't put too much emphasis on the sexual part of the relationship. They place more emphasis on the emotional and mental attractions. I like sex, don't get me wrong. I want it just like any other woman. However, it's not like if I DON'T have it, I will go crazy. I just go without. My fingers are okay enough. It's not the same, but it gets the job done.
Anyway, my friend went on about how when a woman is in love with someone, the sex is much better than when they don't really have any attraction to them. For example, when a relationship is on the fritz, it's less likely they will even have sex, and if they do it won't be very satisfying for at least one of the parties. I laughed because, once again, he was somewhat right. I have another friend who is in a long distance relationship, and recently he went to visit his girlfriend. He told me that she got mad because he wouldn't... stand up for her.
She said he must not be attracted to her any more. He tried to explain to her that the two weeks they just spent constantly arguing before he got there prevented him from really being able to perform. I was kind of shocked because I made the assumption that men are more physically stimulated than anything so it wouldn't matter.
I can think of a few times in my life when my relationship was having hiccups, but that never stopped me from having sex. Hell, if I am horny, I am horny. I don't care if I just cursed at you and kicked you out an hour ago. I can see my friend's point, though. I never put my man on "punishment" either. I feel like this: If you aren't getting any, I am not getting any either. And if you ARE getting some and I am not, we have a problem. So I have never been a big fan of witholding the cookies when I am mad at my man.
Besides, isn't makeup sex supposed to be the best sex? In any event, this whole discussion has had a very interesting effect on me. It makes me think about what REALLY turns me on in a relationship physically, mentally, and emotionally. I must say that I never knew that I didn't know so much about myself in that aspect of my life.
What do you think about the relationship between sex and emotions?
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- From: ThaPlatinumOne@xanga
- Name: Shannon
- About Me: Model, Mother, Student. I hold no punches. Hippie at heart. Hit me up on Twitter! @ThaPlatinumOne
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Comments (25)
in my experience, women are just as sex-driven as our culture portrays men to be. i've heard more stories of girls dumping guys because they won't put out than vice-versa.
Um. I don't think sex is made better by love. Maybe by practice and training, but not by love.
When I have sex, I don't really feel emotionally intimate with my partner. The foreplay can definitely be intimate, and oral is DEFINITELY very intimate to me, but when it comes to sex, it's all about the physical feeling. It's just kind of like 10 minutes of fireworks going off in my vagina - how could I have enough mental capacity to also be thinking about how I wuvie wuv him so much and adore him beyond anything in the world? -__-
But perhaps I'm just one of the very few female sex robots.
And yeah I'd definitely definitely settle for "decent" sex if I loved the guy enough.
when I'm mad at a guy, I want nothing to do with him because I'm so annoyed, so if he tries to initiate sex, I'd feel like punching him
he can't get on my good side again with good or great sex, use his words and be tactful to resolve the problem to neutralize my mood first.
Sex with some sort of emotion behind it is most definitely better sex. Always.
I've had sex with one of my good guys friends just to have it, and while it wasn't bad, it wasn't great. I enjoyed it yes, and have done it a couple times, but it wasn't mind blowing.
I've had sex with another one of my good guy friends who I used to practically be in love with, but have gotten over. He was good in bed, and if I still had the amount of feelings that I had for him before, it would have been amazing. But I didn't, and while it was really, really good, it wasn't mind blowing either.
However, when I have sex with the guy I lost my virginity too (had, and still have feelings for), I enjoy it every time. I'd rather have sex with him than any other guy. It's never the same, and I'm positive that it's because I have strong feelings for him. Every time I had sex with another guy (only 3 or 4 times), all I could think was that I wished it was him.
sex is definitely better with no commitment involved to a "relationship." all the "stuff" just gets in the way of things.
Emotions > Sex, for sure.
Yeah my ex didn't like sex... It was most likely that she had lost the feelings already. Bitch shoulda broken up with me sooner. Urgh. I just hate her because all she did was take advantage of all the hella nice things that only a good bf would do. She just love the security of it all and just when another potential bf shows up and she's got a chance, she broke up with me.
I think the next relationship, I'll hold off on the sex. As great as I think it is, it complicates things. I want the power in my hands and I want to dictate on the sex. I never want the woman to decide when we should have sex. For too long my ex has stripped me of my manhood, respect, and dignity. Never do I want to feel like I should be doing something like groveling and begging for sex. That's just so wrong.
Sex is very emotional and even mental for me. And I'm not just talking about feelings of love. I am into angry and sometimes violent sex and that for me is much more then physical. Sometimes it almost feels spiritual and theraputic for me. But despite all that I do have the purely physical "I just need to fuck" moments. It can't be with just anyone though. Besides my boyfriend I've only had sex with one other person for the sake of doing it and I honestly regret it. Not because it is wrong to do it without loving someone but because I realized how awful it was for me personally. I felt nothing the entire time. His skill was alright but it was awful because I had no real emotional connection with him.
Make-up sex FTW
My future husband is bad at sex. Hell after the first time we had sex (our junior year) I had sex a year later just to see if sex was better than that. If he wasnt bad I probably wouldnt have ended up with my daughter >.> I just tell him I'll just tell him what I like in sex but its kinda the opposite of his persona. Hes too sweet and goofy to be rough and strong. Oh well, we have the rest of our lives to figure it out... atleast hes not short in his pants lol.
@Footballblogs@xanga - LMFAO
Emotions>sex f'sho.
It all really depends. The girl/guy has to be really stimulated to have , well, better than "good" sex. Women just have to work for that harder unfortunately : / .
Sex is fundamental but love/caring wins hands down. Sex is like watching the same porn over and over without love. Sex with love is a whole different thing.
Besides bad sex can be corrected with practice, selfless giving and communication. Not feeling emotion is far harder to change.
honestly if i really really like the guy, i'm willing to be patient and work with him until he further masters the skill. it's easier to fuck someone that's "good" in bed versus fucking someone you love.
@stanlee255@xanga - "I want the power in my hands and I want to dictate on the sex. I never want the woman to decide when we should have sex."
can you take a step back and read exactly what the fuck you wrote? it sucks that this woman took advantage of you but that does not make it ok for you to say shit like that. so if the next poor woman you date says NO to sex, what are you going to do because you NEVER want to let her decide?
as you yourself said, after all, "I never want the woman to decide when we should have sex." so this means you will dump her because she isn't in the mood or feel up to it? the other option is that you rape her.
you sound like a really nice fella.
sex in a relationship should never be one sided - both parties, regardless of gender, need to respect each other. if you feel sex is about "power" in your relationship, your relationship is a toxic, unhealthy and possibly abusive one.
I was married to my wife for five years and we maybe had sex 15 times. I wanted sex. Badly. I have a very high sex drive, but she was just never as into it as I was. But I never cheated on her. Not once. After five years though, she revealed to me that the reason for our lack of sex life is because she's in fact gay. I was crushed, but that's not the point.
My point is that while I enjoy sex very much, my wife and I hardly ever experienced it; and yet I was still very much in love with her.
By the way, if you're curious about how that all worked out, check out my blog.
I like sex a lot. And I'm not really into "romantic" sex. So, "love" does not make up for a lack of technique...but love DOES make both partners willing to stick with it and make it work for both of them. My current bf...we had sex a lot at first, but now sometimes a couple weeks go by in between...and that is hard for me. He says he is just not that into it as when he was younger. This doesn't make me love him less, but I do want more sex. I am afraid, that love or not, it may become an issue, because I don't want to NOT have sex.
I've had sex with friends who I was not romantically attached to, and I gotta say...anatomy and technique are damn hard to beat.
"Hell, if I am horny, I am horny. I don't care if I just cursed at you and kicked you out an hour ago."
I thought that was funny because just the other day me and my boyfriend had a bit of a "falling-out" and a few hours later I was horny and wanted to have sex, but he was like, "Do you think I deserve it?" I was just thinking WHO CARES IF YOU DESERVE IT OR NOT I'M HORNY, lol.
@haltija@xanga - Okay yea my bad. What I really want is for the girl to come on to me.. and I can say yes or no. Either way it's hot when she wants it, and I like teasing. I always hate having to initiate sex. I don't want the girl to be like "i decide when to have sex...." and she really never wants sex. :( I just don't want that to happen again. =/ I don't want to beg and have to ASK for sex in a relationship. I believe each should want sex just as much as the other person and each should initiate fairly the same amount.
I've stayed in a mediocre relationship for good sex, but I've never settled for bad sex in a lengthy relationship.
Guy is bad in bed - relationship is over.My husband was a virgin when we got married and I basically was (issues in the past..raped by an old boyfriend..that was the only penetration I'd ever had), so our sex life has taken some work. Although, I was surprised how good we were together. It's definitely not *fireworks* sex, since we're still learning, but it is really good. Even the nights we have less than stellar sex, we still love it. It makes me so happy to be with someone so wonderful.
@eighty__eightkeys@xanga - Awww
Yes having feelings, and especiallly LOVING someone I'm having sex with helps so much. It just makes me feel things so much more intensely. I feel like it's easier to be in rhythm with each other, probably because you feel less inhibited with someone you really care about.
Love always makes sex better in my opinion.
putting feelings into anything you do makes that task a billion times more memorable and enjoyable