I'm single, gay, and I used to torture my heart with the question, "Is he the One?"
My first boyfriend and I had a great relationship...so we thought. I ended it many, many times. But every time, I'd always run back, forgetting the reasons why we broke up. I was scared that I might've lost the One. And he would take me back for the same reason. Neither of us understood the key thing in the big world of dating:
There is no "One" but the One you choose. I've talked to married couples, asking how they made their marriages work. And basically they said that you find someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, and you do it. You make a conscious decision to stay with that person, come hell or high water.
The problems arise when we question our current relationship and compare them to some new possibility. There will always be someone that could make you happier in some way, so stop it with the "What-ifs." If your relationship is worth it, then it is. If it is not, then it's not. Judge your own relationship against what you know would make you happy, not on the fantasies of what it could be with someone else.
So how do you know if he or she is the One? Well if you find someone who shares the values you find important, with whom you have a healthy, lasting relationship, and who you'd stand by through all of life's trials, then maybe he or she is the One for you. But that is up to you to decide.
Stop blaming fate and start taking your love life into your own hands. I'm glad I did, or else I'd still be playing victim to my own decisions.
Thoughts?
True
Comments (20)
thank you for your posting. I needed this reality slap. rock on.
A belief in the possibility of soul mates is part of what made me pansexual. I thought that it was possible for your soulmate to be the same gender and that you shouldn't close your eyes to a possible person. I think that, if soulmates exist, many people would not be married to their soulmate, but would be best friends or parent/child. Souls can be paired without it being romantic, or so I thought. I don't really believe in souls, but I accept the possibility and that was my reasoning on the matter.
I just clicked on this because of the picture. It's mighty fine.
I enjoyed this. Very thoughtful, and very true in my experience. Sometimes you have to just. stay. with them. Because you've decided to, and because that is the way that relationships grow.
Obviously, it shouldn't be that way all the time... if they're that difficult to be with, or you're that wishy-washy, then there is clearly something wrong. But it's normal to happen occasionally.
excellent post. So true.
Gahh I love this.
a great relationship is the result of two people who are compatible in many ways, are into each other and want a lot of the same things in life. Then those people say "I want to be with you, lets create an awesome life together" and both of the people work on making that relationship the best one they can, the most awesome, intimate, supportive, fun relationship in their lives.
It's not fate, it's not written in the stars, it's about people working together to grow what they have into the most amazing garden ever. Great initial chemistry fizzles out if the people aren't committed to making it grow. It won't work if only one person is working it. It takes two.
Many times, in life, love and finances, it's better to work hard with what you got, than it is to jump from investment to investment, from school to school, and partner to partner. You can grow a great relationship, portfolio and earn a degree by working it wisely.
Word. Superstition is fun I guess, but it's not reality. A relationship is always a conscious choice to commit to that person.
In the words of Father Pat Connor, who wrote the book "Whom Not to Marry" (which my mother is making me read now that I've entered into a serious relationship), "There are many Mr. Rights. A lasting [relationship] is based on many things: love, shared goals, a desire to carve out a life together... As you go through life, you will meet numerous men [or women] you could be successfully married to. When you have made your choice, rejoice in that, commit to that, and do what you can to make it work."
Beautiful post!
I have always been a big believer in "The One" but I had never, ever thought of it this way. I thought my ex was "the one" and I was so disappointed when I realized we just could never make it work. I have nothing but worries about my current boyfriend because I want to believe he's "the one" but if I thought that with my ex and it didn't work, then how do I know this is the real deal?
Thank you so much for your post. Totally opened up my eyes! If I want my boyfriend to be the one then he is the one, as long as we both work hard and work together. Amazing! I really appreciate this post. Gave me a whole new perspective...
I think there are a few people out there who fit well with you. So, I don't believe in ONE soul mate. I have been blessed enough to find a man who complements me (I don't believe in that "complete me" crap), respects me, and who wants to grow with me, so we're doing it. I don't think about what if's, I don't think about what it'd be like with other men (not saying that's wrong - to think about it - but I just don't, maybe one day in the future I'll have those thoughts, but that's not to say they'll make me any less dedicated to my sweetheart; just means I'm not dead, damn it haha - not like I am now, but anyway).
Commitment is a decision. Commit to someone who will bring you out of the darkness, not someone who will hold you down or back. Simple as that.
I love this post, it is so true. "The one" is "the one" that you choose to be! ALL relationships will have their own little ups and downs, but at the end of the day, what it all comes down to ... is how much you want it to work. If you want it to work, and so does the other person, it surely will work. It takes patience, time, learning, trust, it's really not that bad, though... you do it because you love each other.
Of course there are so many people in the world who might treat you "differently," but that doesn't even matter when you know you want it to work with this one person. That's why a relationship is a commitment.
I have no doubts I am with the person that I want to grow and learn with, no matter what happens, I know he is my "one."
nicely written, easier said than done. but i do appreciate the reminder =)
Its very difficult to sometimes see this. You always wonder if some red thread of fate is leading you to another person but in reality YOUR that bond. You either break it or make it.
I'd love to say something more witty and meaningful but I'm muddled in thoughts.
the most common thing i have heard from married couples is that marriage works with a person if you want the same things. i believe in that was well, and am going to make sure my "one" wants the same things out of life as i do.
I love this. Very, very well written.
great post!
Love this post. :] Love is not only a feeling, it is a decision.
this was right on.
"Judge your own relationship against what you know would make you happy,
not on the fantasies of what it could be with someone else."
especially loved that line!