Thursday, 11 August 2011

  • You Should Change in a Relationship

    Yep, I said it. You should change.

    I'm not talking about changing your beliefs to please another person in the hopes that they will ask you out, I'm talking about learning to compromise in a relationship.

    One of the first things my boyfriend said to me when we met (just as friends) was "I won't change for anyone; this is who I am and if you don't like it, too bad." To me, that was a bit of good and bad. Firstly, I thought, "Good for you!" but then I thought, "So if I felt strongly about something and you did not, you would do it anyway, knowing it upsets me?"

    Of course I ignored the second one as we were only friends and I felt embarrassed for even thinking that way about someone I was not dating.

    A few months later and he's still using that line, usually for something really petty like going out with people, over playing 7 hours straight of video games.

    The truth is, he has changed!

    And you DO change when you are in a relationship that you want to make work. There has to be a little give and a little take, or things will never work out for the best.

    To me, this all seems obvious, but to others not so much. I think the media shoves us around so much that we are really chanting the "Be yourself and change for no one" line over and over again. While I think this has its good points, it doesn't fully work in a good relationship.

    I've noticed these things change a lot:

    - Letting go!

    I've always stuck to my guns in arguments that I fully believe in. But I've learned that sometimes, some men like to pick the opposite argument for fun, and they don't like to lose. They won't always be mature in their debating, either; so, just let it go. Same with normal relationship arguments; sometimes it's better to just let it go and move on.

    - Tidiness.

    I was a real neat freak but it's next to impossible to do with someone who is not. So I'm relaxing the tidy factor. My friend is the opposite. She suddenly became a house whiz because her boyfriend's standards were lower than hers. On the flip side, I know some gentlemen who are the clean freaks, in an effort to motivate their women who leave hairbrushes, makeup, and discarded outfit choices strewn across the living room....

    -Attitudes to friends and fake friends.

    When you are with someone, you vent, mostly about people you can't stand but are nice to anyway. At work, I never confront people... I have to go there regularly and I don't want to create drama at all. But at his urging, and against my previous beliefs, I have confronted some work-place bullies and, to my surprise, it worked out well... which is great because I hadn't found a back-up job.

    I know my boyfriend has a changed a lot with his friends. He was in a close knit group, and whilst I don't believe this is no longer the case, I do know that he has stopped being a clone of his friends. They are still close and hang out often, but he is being himself more, and like them less.

    -Food

    Strange but true, I just realized that despite loving them, I have not eaten mushrooms in over a year just because he hates them.

    I had a bigger list in my head when I started this blog, but I think it is more specific to myself.

    Have you noticed changes in any of your relationships? Have you changed? Would you change?

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Comments (12)

  • DarkWaver@xanga

    No one couple is perfect, you have to change to adapt to your surroundings. Just like darwin says. not the smartest fastest or strongest, but the one who can adapt that will survive.

    So yeah, i change. Not much, but essentially yeah. but normally its subtle or something lenient.
  • lforletty@xanga

    I definitely changed
  • ohforrealson@xanga

    Yup.  Complement one another, don't complete, and you'll be much happier.
  • SlackerSociety@xanga

    Maintaining a relationship is easy. Some compromises have to be made, sure, but for the most part, you shouldn't change into some sort of other person.
  • bass_chick57@lovelyish

    I agree! I also think each person should grow and develop as an individual if it's a good relationship.
  • nicotico8@xanga

    I think a relationship should make you more patient, I think it definitely has with mine
  • Guteman91

    Great post! I actually just had an issue with this but I wasn't sure how to properly word it.

    I was dating a woman recently and it got to the point where she was so cynical and pessimistic about everything that I just couldn't do it anymore. Her argument was that of your boyfriends,

    "People should just accept me for who I am and if they can't then that's their problem, not mine. I shouldn't have to change who I am for anyone."

    My issue was trying to phrase my point correctly, it was along the lines of "Well who you are is flawed to begin with. So regardless of whether or not someone thinks you should change, you really do need to change."

    But of course that would come across as insulting, no one is perfect, but if you aren't happy at the moment then you really should take a look at yourself. Is who you are driving and pushing people away? Prevent you from having enjoyable or fulfilling experiences?

    Eh but if I've learned anything from all these years of dating and trail and error it's that people inevitably change. Make your point or grievance known then let it go if you can, the person will probably naturally change anyways if you don't harass them about it.
  • EccentricSiren@xanga

    I think if I were to be in a relationship, I'd have to be a bit more nurturing and a bit less of the stereotypical bitchy career woman. And I'd be willing to do that for someone I really loved. (Not give up my career, just be sure to pay attention to my SO as well.)

    And I'll probably have to compromise on food a bit, seeing as I tend to fall for guys from different cultures.
  • raspberryjade@xanga

    I am incredibly messy, and my boyfriend is SO neat.

    Its really hard, but I'm working really hard to try to change it!! :)
  • wing_stock@xanga

    Compromising is not the same as changing though. Sure you can tolerate, accept and love someone's flaws and opposite lifestyle, but that doesn't mean you should change your own life and self to fit the other person.

  • anonymous

    Definitely, great post.
  • angelwingfive@xanga

    Both my boyfriend and I have grown up a lot over the course of our relationship, if only for the purposes of being able to stay in our own apartment (instead of living with a bunch of people like most 20-somethings do) and do whatever we want.

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