Wednesday, 10 August 2011
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Learning How to Reclaim Your Freedom
The other day, my guy asked me if I wanted to sleep over his house. He’s 27 years old and is currently sharing a house with a couple of other guys. I am 21, live with my mom, and am a college student.
When it comes to these types of sleepovers, I still lie to my mother and my friend still covers my back with a story if need be. It’s a pain, but it’s necessary to sneak around when you have a religious, catholic and strict mother like mine who would be heartbroken if she found out that her daughter had sleepovers with boys on a weekly basis.
Anyways, so my guy invited me to spend the night the other day, and before we were about to go over to his home I asked him what excuse I should text my mother.
His response was the truth.
After laughing in his face, I reiterated the question and he repeated his answer even more seriously than last time. This isn’t that surprising that he would say something like this. From day one he has always been a big advocate of just saying it like it is which I love about him, but that is not applicable to my situation, ever.
After re-explaining why this would be a bad idea, he said to me that when he used to date his ex and she/he was going to sleep over, they would simply tell each other’s parents the truth and it wasn’t a big deal.
They were also 17 at the time.
Unbelievable. I’m sorry my mother is not so casually cool like that, but the truth would simply mean that I wouldn’t be able to leave my house anymore. When he told me that, I felt so deprived of freedom. At seventeen, he was being himself. He had a healthy relationship with his parents and still does. He communicated to them well and honestly.
There wasn’t a necessity to lie, and best of all he was able to grow up without having to sneak around to do it.
I’m four years older than when he was allowed to do that, and I’m still treated like a fifteen year old. How did I get the short end of the stick? It got me thinking. What exactly would happen if I just threw my mom into this like that? I mean, in reality there is nothing wrong with hanging out with the person you care about, and being with them. So what would she be punishing me for?
For some reason at that moment, I had a mini epiphany. All this time I’ve been raised to think that if I’m sneaking around like this it’s because what I am doing is bad, but that’s not it! I’m not doing drugs, I’m not breaking the law, and I’m not being irresponsible. I’m just growing up. After that day I decided that I was going to try to tell the truth more often when it came to these situations. I may not be able to build the courage for all of them, but I can do it for some.
Do you tell the truth in these situations? Isn't it necessary to be a little bit rebellious in order to be treated like an adult in cases like these?
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About the Author
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- From: savyadvice
- About Me: Born and raised in NYC, I am about to be a senior in college, and still feel clueless about exactly what I'm going to do after I graduate. For most of my life, I haven't been involved in anything too serious except for one relationship 2 years ago and one that is progressively getting serious now. Dating can be really exciting or extremely stressful sometimes, I'm excited to try and unblur (just coined a new word) the fine lines between the two here on this site. =)
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Comments (19)
REBELLIOUS? You are twenty one years old for fucks sake! Tell your ridiculous archaic mother that her stoic rules do not apply to the reality of your life.
And yikes, way to show your age to your adult boyfriend, who clearly had a better handle on reality than you do. My oh my. WHEN IN DOUBT BE HONEST.
My dad was like your mom. I was in my late 20s and he was trying to dictate who I could and couldn't date, especially when I lived with them briefly. I don't call it being rebellious when you are being a responsible adult. At some point, your parents have to accept that you are growing up and that you might not share the exact same out look on life that they do. There is a mature way to handle this situation, I do not think doing over a text message is the best way to do it.
I've always been honest with my parents about things like that. Lying to them is stupid and you're bound to get caught out in a lie one day. What if your cell phone dies and your mum can't get hold of you, so she calls your friends house and her parents answer and say you're not there and never have been? Honestly. Just tell the truth. She can't ground you at 21 years old - the worse that will happen is that she'll get angry. Your boyfriend is being very sensible, and it just seems like you're the one being rather immature about the situation.
you're 21, it isn't like you can't move the fuck out. call me old fashioned but i feel that as long as you live under their roof, you have to respect their rules. if you want the freedoms of an adult, take on the responsibilities of one like paying rent and utilities, your own groceries, etc.
if you DO do that in your family household, then let them know frankly they have no business treating you like a child when you pay your fair share, and you will act like the adult you are being treated as.
but at the end of the day, if you live there rent free... you're as dependant as a 15 year old, so don't be upset that you have to follow 15 year old rules.
It is a hard situation when one's family's religion and upbringing I'm guessing is one should be married to have sex, and spending the night would definitely imply that to them. It's not as easy as it seems to just tell people's parents. My dad is older and though liberal politically, very conservative with me, the only child. Things have gotten better but I had a curfew until a couple years ago when I said enough (and I'm almost 28 now.) It may sound ridiculous to everyone else but in his mind he's protecting me etc. But, the problem with lying, is the risk to get caught and if you do, you may have even stricter rules. I am shocked he and another person's parents were cool with them spending the night at 17 though.
When I spent the night with my last boyfriend, my mom said my dad actually told her I'm old enough now to decide things for myself. But, every situation is different. Again, the risk lies in getting caught.
Lying hurts more than the truth. Just tell your mom the truth; also, your bf will respect you more for it. The other day (or was it today) I told my dad I was going out tomorrow for about 8 hours, which included happy hour and bowling, and he was like do what you want. I have a very strict dad, but he's starting to realize I'm growing up (I'm your age). Your mom will never treat you like an adult until you start acting like one.
But I feel like you don't tell her the truth out of the care & respect for your parents. You admitted to how sad and dissappointed they would be, but I wouldn't say that it's their fault, they are just being parents. It's not your fault either. I also feel like he isn't being understanding to your situation with your parents by telling you to do the opposite. But I also agree with being honest with your family, so maybe have a chat with them...??? Hope it turns out ok
Seriously, just tell her the truth. And honestly, if you are living in her house, especially if you are living there for free, have the respect to follow her rules. You are 21 years old. If you want to live your own life and have the freedom to do whatever you please, move out and start living like an adult.
haha im 21 and i do the same exact thing. but i have my own reasons
I totally understand your situation. I always lie, but it's actually come to the point where I'm not home enough to really have to lie anymore. Though, my parents have never met any of my boyfriends after my first one.
But honestly it's because I saw my older sister's relationships play out with "the truth" and it was NOT worth it. AT ALL. And yeah, I figure because I'm still living in their house not paying for rent or food (even though they make me pay for everything else... a.k.a. college -__-) I can't really do anything to piss them off... because they did end up kicking my sister out and threatened the same on me. Not that they'd ever rationalize it for me, they just said they'd do it. Shitshow to the max!
It really hasn't posed any problems on my current relationship though just because I'm at school most of the time and we're doing the long distance thing now. So I figure if it's working, it's working... relationship's good and I'm still living in my parents' house. Blah! Hopefully soon you can fully be on your own! Some parents just don't want to change the way they view their children and see what they want to see. Good luck :)
Here's a fact: girls are always treated differently than boys. You also need to take a stand as an adult, while still maintaining respect - it's a difficult balance.
People come from different cultural backgrounds, and I don't think all the above commenters are being sympathetic to that. The way most parents would not accept their children's desire to smoke crack or shoot heroin, some people's parents won't accept them having premarital sex. To them, it's on the same level.
I come from a South Asian family and it is thus understood that I won't be sleeping over at anyone's place unless I'm married to them. (In which case, their place is most likely my place too?) I would not consider just telling my parents to accept what I want to do when it comes to sleeping over at a boyfriend's place, especially if I'm living under their roof and using their money for food, college tuition, etc. I would rather them not go through that, and thus just lie about whatever I know they will never accept. You have to pick your battles wisely... And if you want to live your own life, then you should seriously just move out.
If you're paying expenses toward the household, you should feel free to be honest about being a responsible adult. If you're not, then you should stick with the role of the child. Age does not make an adult. If you can, move out, and then be honest.
To be frank, I had a similar relationship with my mom, although I moved out when I was 18. I could never tell her the truth because her reaction was just awful. It took me a long time before honesty became second nature to me in my marital relationship, because of how I had grown up- I had learned that hiding your bad behavior is preferable to being honest about it and suffering the wrath of mom.
I'm still not able to be frank with her all the time, and I'm about to be 26, and have been married for almost 4 years. It shows in our relationship, and my feeling is that she definitely earned this.
Yeah, when I was 19 and living in a townhouse on campus, my boyfriend at the time would always spend weekends there. My mom only found out when I brought my laundry home and she decided to take it out of the washer to find his shirt. She was so disgusted with me and even called me a "slut." Now I'm 21 as well and recently spent the night with a guy friend in the city. We ended up hooking up, but I made sure to cover up what happened to my mom by saying that I drank too much until I felt sick and then went to sleep in separate beds. (Definitely NOT separate beds, but I did feel sick later on the next morning, so that wasn't a total lie, hah.) But yeah, point being that I completely understand where you're coming from. It's a pretty tough situation.
I can completely relate to this story. I'm 19 and my mother is the same. I still lie about where I am sleeping out but only because it would break her heart if she knew where I was. She believes in saving yourself for marriage and she would die if she knew I was sleeping at a guys house. It's not worth upsetting her over.
@haltija@xanga - EXACTLY!!
I've been in that sort of situation for the past year and a half. It's tough and I'm jealous of my boyfriend's relationship with his parents where they're happy to have me spend the night. But it's true, lying to your mom now will make the life that you're happy to live easier in the long run. However, my word of advice is: Don't ask your boyfriend what you should tell your mom. She's your mom, you handle it. Especially if he thinks you should be telling her the truth. The more you involve him in helping you lie when it's unnecessary (you can think of something on your own), the greater chance he'll resent the fact that you have to. Handle it yourself, it's what being an adult is about. It's your relationship with your mom, you should be the one to manage it; you don't need his help and in the long run, it won't be good for your relationship with him or with your mom - because if things get tough for you two, you may unfairly blame him for coming between you and your mom at some point if he helps you lie - if it's your choice to lie then lie, but don't depend on him in that decision, it's not his to make. Good luck to you, I know how much it sucks to not be able to be open with your parents about your relationship and what makes you happy!
Yeah...when I lived at home it was the same way. My parents are very religious and they don't want us to "ruin our lives" by doing things that they think are wrong. Honestly? Now that I don't live at home I still don't tell Mom the truth about things. She says "what'd you do last night?" And I say "Oh, I hung out with soandso" but not "Soandso came over drunk off his ass and we had a party and lotsa ^_- fun ifyaknowhatImean". A lot of friends tell me that I should try the truth and see what happens, but their parents are different. They understand that people grow up. Mine wish I was still 5.