Monday, 08 August 2011
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What Facebook Has Done for Relationships
Do any of you remember the days when dating occurred without an intervening social network to make you place a label on it? I honestly am not even sure if I can, unless you count elementary and middle school relationships that started with someone else asking you if you wanted to be so-and-so's girlfriend or boyfriend. From my very first high school relationship, I already had Facebook and MySpace and when we determined what we were, my relationship status changed.Now it can be nice, letting everyone know that you're finally dating this person. You get to spread the good news and see how many people "like" it, and who is so excited for this happy moment in your life.
But then there are the issues. For example, what if you're still friends with your ex online and he or she sees this change? It could hurt them or anger them having to see it up there and seeing all your mutual friends liking and commenting on it. Well, I had a pretty nasty experience with that myself, because my ex lashed out at everyone close to me, resulting in a bit of a war.
Or another issue, what if you aren't quite sure what your relationship is? It's in the early stages. I know that I would never ask someone I'm dating if we were Facebook official, but I'd still want to have some kind of definition. Do you change your relationship status already or do you wait until the person you're dating asks you or do you ask them?
Personally, I think it would be so much easier to just let relationships take their course, without having to publicize it in order to make it real. It just seems like a bit too much stress on a new relationship than is necessary. Dating someone new is scary enough as it without having to have the "are we Facebook official" chat. And honestly, what does "it's complicated" even really mean?
What are your thoughts? Do you think that Facebook has made the dating game even more complicated than before? Or do you think that being able to put whatever stage your relationship is in online is a good thing? Do people make too big a deal out of being "Facebook official"?
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- From: materialactress@xanga
- About Me: I'm just a tacky college student. I'm studying HDFS in order to be a relationships counselor, although my relationships could always use a little work. I'm obsessed wtih Star Wars and koala bears, and I'm very tall but, no, I do not play basketball or volleyball.
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Comments (35)
ohhhh...the new age we live in.
I was trying to take things "slow" with my current boyfriend and when we said we loved each other he was like "Can I say we're official now?" and I'm like "Alright, I guess." and when he asked if we could change our Facebook statuses initially I said I didn't want to.
But we were in a long distance relationship at the time and I think he just didn't want people moving in on me, so after I flew home from visiting with him I changed our Facebook statuses and told him I'd changed my mind.Then five months later I uprooted my entire life to come live with him, so yeah.Personally I think if he'd let me have my way with the whole keeping-it-casual bit we probably wouldn't be where we are today. I'm pretty good at shoving my relationships into the this-feels-just-like-friends-with-benefits zone so I'm really glad he made me own up to being in an "official" relationship. Now I want to marry him, but obviously I know this strange relationship path isn't the same for everyone. Besides I've known him since high school so it wasn't like barely knew each other or anything.
"Personally, I think it would be so much easier to just let relationships
take their course, without having to publicize it in order to make it
real. It just seems like a bit too much stress on a new relationship
than is necessary. Dating someone new is scary enough as it without
having to have the "are we Facebook official" chat. And honestly, what
does "it's complicated" even really mean?"
AGREED!
Facebook is just our way of being nosy. What matters in a relationship is what the two people involved are comfortable with. You can always put in a relationship without adding the person's name if that makes you feel better. And I think complicated has various meanings. It could mean a person's love life is complicated because he/she doesn't know what they want or it could mean that there are problems in the relationship so they don't know where it stands.
As far as exes go....most of the time it's better to just cut all ties and not remain "friends." And if your ex is truly a friend, he/she wouldn't make a scene on facebook about you being with someone else. And I think exes just make relationships complicated anyway...Ahh there's that word again, complicated.
I think relationships have a hard enough time working out without the publicity of facebook. If you're in a serious relationship, engaged, or married I think it's fine to put it up on facebook. That way family or friends that live far away can see parts of your life that they couldn't before. But if you're just dating around or in the beginning of a relationsip then I think it's best to hold off on putting names in the relationship status.
You don't have to have a relationship status.
Totally agree. Lucky for me I was very late creating a facebook page, so I didn't publicize my relationships. Even now that I have a facebook I still don't. Until it comes down to being engaged I can't see myself putting anything about my relationship on FB.
its pure bullshitness is what it is .. miss the simple days ..
Glad I was already in the same relationship I'm in when I got a facebook account a few years ago, so I've never had this problem. = ]
the only way i see facebook as being a problem is that your SO can see everything you do on there. from replies on other peoples pages, to likes, and your posts. relationship spying! lol. your SO could interpret things you say or other people say that may cause problems in a relationship. otherwise, facebook shouldnt be a problem in the 2 areas you spoke about. exes shouldnt be a problem since theyre past and whether youre in a relationship or not should be established already because youre a mature adult couple who can decide these things.
oh and i do remember relationships without social media, when in high school lol. but come age 18 and into my first serious relationship, both my SO and i had myspace. thats where the fighting began on how we should be each others #1 spot. lol. ughhh.
@ShirleyD@xanga - Haha, I remember those days. "Why am I not your number 1? waaaahhhh." And if you wanted to know who someone was dating, you looked at who their number 1 was and it was almost always right.
I think people do make to big of an issue out of being "Facebook
official." Some people will date people for months and wait to change
their status just in case they break up. Or some lovely people wait so
they can keep talking to other people.
I changed my status without taking to my boyfriend about it because I knew we were official. It didn't need to be discussed. We never played those games. I put in a relationship with him and he approved it right away. :) But I'll admit I was kinda nervous when I did it lol there's always that little doubt in your mind.
As for worrying about hurting your ex, why are you friends with your ex? Even on fb? That's disrespectful to your new s.o. and well just stupid. You broke up for a reason.
That's why I removed my ex off fb. I don't want to know what's going on with her.
For the first question: What about your ex? Honestly (this may seem a little heartless), who cares? They are an ex for a reason. And I don't think their should affect whether you announce your relationship to the world or not.
As for the second: Wait until you know for sure. And if you're so impatient that you can't wait? Talk to the person to see where they think the relationship is at and whether or not you're official. It's that easy.
I changed my status to "it's complicated" one time when I was single for fun just to see what the reaction from others, mostly strangers, would be, and I got my answer. the men, who also had "it's complicated" on their status, started to message me as if they intentionally searched for the specific status, and they were often married but claimed their relationship was on the rocks and they were basically looking to hookup or cheat on their wife or gf, whatever it was, I wasn't interested-I just wanted to see what type of people these complicated statuses belonged to. one guy was actually living with his wife and had kids, which I knew he had kids because his profile pic actually was posed with his own kid in it!
wtf
it was probably his secret profile. just some insight into that "it's complicated" status, not like it wasn't anything fishy to begin with.
I hate what facebook has done to the dating world. It's just too easy to hurt people and to hurt relationships when they're that publicly accessible. Or at least, that's how I feel. Plus I feel like the "facebook official" conversation just puts unnecessary strain on couples whose relationship isn't necessarily defined by facebook's limited selection, or couples who don't want to label their relationship. I don't even use the relationship status buttons anymore. It says single but whenever I'm in a relationship I don't touch it. Those close to me know my life, and my boyfriend knows my life. If it has to be on facebook for it to be tangible, then people A) don't have their priorities straight and B) are living in the wrong world.
I'm going to have to breach this territory soon with this new guy I've been dating. It's still very fresh so I would be happy if he changes his status somewhere down the line. That could months from now, but if we decide to be exclusive, I would want it to be shown online. For me, I don't like simply putting "in a relationship" without adding the other person, because I feel like people are trying to hide things or they're ashamed of that person. I mean, if you're together with someone for years, and you never even changed a small thing like that, then I would think you're not proud of your selection of a dating partner, IMO.
@xhalesx@revelife - @TinkerTrae@xanga - @lemons_to_lemonade@xanga - Hum.. to offer my own opinion on having exes on fb, I can see it both ways, it depends on the ex. My recent ex cheated on me and I found out from my friends telling me they spotted him in public with another girl and I found out who she was from his fb. So I did care and it did matter 'cause it really hurt me. Other than cases like that, if you've broken up for quite a while and decided to be in another relationship, then I don't see a problem with it. For my first ex, my mutual friends told me he found a new gf 8 months after we broke up and I was silently happy for him (he already removed me) 'cause I got over him. He never cheated on me though, he just didn't treat me right, but I forgave him. There are different reactions to different scenarios.
@lforletty@xanga - would you have rather found out that way, or never find out at all and still be dating a cheater?
@xhalesx@revelife - Better knowing than not knowing even though the truth often hurts:[ but just saying that in some cases involving cheaters, it does affect the ex.
@lforletty@xanga - Right. And I guess that makes some sense. But, then in the case of the cheater, it's always better to find out one way or the other, rather than living in a lie.
@xhalesx@revelife - Agree! It's definitely better living without the cheater than with.
@lforletty@xanga - Yes. And I've been fortunate enough to have never dated anyone who has physically cheated on me (not so fortunate in other areas of cheating though :/ ).
@xhalesx@revelife - So sorry to hear that, I know how you'd feel if anything, mine was both@_@'' but emotional cheating slightly more 'cause my ex started stalking the girl he cheated on me with DURING our relationship and acted upon it near the end of our relationship. But on the bright side, hope your bf stays faithful to you:D
You're just making it complicated.
If I'm single and want it to be known that I'm single, my status: single.
If I'm dating a little bit, fooling around, not sure what I want, my status: single or non-existent
If I started dating a guy but don't want to publicize it, status: non-existent.
If I started dating a guy and do want to publicize it, status: in a relationship.
If you just don't want people to know anything, status: non-existent. There you go, simplified.
@lforletty@xanga - I broke up with the guy who was emotionally cheating on me. He told me at one point in our relationship that he still had feelings for his ex and for this girl that tried to seduce him. apparently it worked. I should have broken up with him then, but I did eventually. And on to brighter things, my boyfriend now is incredible. He's been cheated on multiple times by multiple girls, so he understands the pain that cheating can cause. He could/would never cheat on me. And I could/would never cheat on him.