I realize the title of my post sounds cynical. But I'm a little different than a lot of always-single people, so hear me out.
I'm 31 (soon to be 32, in December) and I've been in one long term relationship my entire life. Seriously, just one. And it was pretty much meaningless.
Before you jump to conclusions about me, let me get some of the biggest assumptions made about me out of the way.
First of all, I am attractive – I know this because I get told all the time. Second, I don't have self-esteem issues, aside from the ones that are arising as a result of my seemingly endless, incurable singledom. Third, no, I am not too picky. In fact, I don't think I am picky enough, especially as of late. I don't request anything out of a man or a relationship that is unrealistic or out of the ordinary. And finally, I do get out, a lot. I live in New York City, I'm a freelance writer, I work at a restaurant, I'm into photography and I ride my bike everywhere. I don't sit home and sulk and post on message boards (aside from right now).
I tried the online dating thing (believe me when I say I am not cut out for it), I've tried waiting, being more hopeful, more "positive," I've tried being more girly, less loud, more outgoing, etc. On the rare occasion I do meet someone, I manage to hold their interest for about a week.
I've pretty much accepted at this point that, for whatever reason, I'm not attractive to men as anything other than a fling or a friend, and what choice do I have but to live with it? What really sucks is having it constantly rubbed in my face; I was in line at the bank today, and there was a couple behind me making smooching sounds. It makes me want to crawl into a hole. All of my friends are in relationships, and now aside from feeling alienated, and frustrated after a lifetime of trying and failing, I feel really lonely.
Anyone else going through this?
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Comments (13)
I had almost exaclty the same situation. I only had one relationship before turning 30, and it was a horrible one. after at 32, I started my second relationship, which I'm in right now. I can't really give any advice on how to find someone (to be honest, most of the advice I was given didn't work either). However, there are plenty of people in their 30s looking for someone, so it can certainly happen.
I understand where you are coming from, I have a friend who I consider to be very attractive. When we go out to the bar all the guys want to look at her and talk to her and as soon as she tells them how shes a college graduate and has goals and aspirations, they find any excuse to walk away. It seems to me that most guys are intimidated by smart and attractive women.
the "problem" is that you live in the city. who there wants a serious relationship? but then again, there's some nonzero probability that someone would have wanted something serious with you by now.
can i ask why online dating doesn't work for you? given that it caters toward attractive people, if you were actually attractive, you'd have had some success by now. i was on there for 6 months and got a grand total of...0 dates before i deleted my profile. you can't possibly tell me that you had similar (or worse) luck than i did.
If you're attractive and successful and quiet, people might just think you're already taken or you're intimidating and they might wonder why you'd be into them.
I say, initiate more often. Ask people on dates. It sucks to get rejected but if you don't ask you'll never get to even get out there and date people.
And keep being picky. Being alone is WAYYYY better than being in an unsatisfying relationship.
I just figured out your problem....you live in New York City. From what i hear, it's really difficult to be single in NYC. While there's a thriving singles scene, it's just tough to date.
when you figure out the answer to your problem, let me know. lol. i have been having some bad luck. my last serious relationship was like, nearly 2 years ago lol. i had dated a lot ofter him, met some great guys and enjoyed myself. then i decided i would "find" myself and decided i didnt want to date for a while since id never had a moment to be single since id started dating, jumping from serious relationship to another. i enjoyed my alone time, figuring myself out and all but now that i want to date its like... impossible to get back out there. lol. all the girl friends i had have guys now so they cant go out with me to look for guys and that leaves my guy friends to go out with and they are the biggest cock block a single woman could have lol. so now i feel kinda stuck. i met a lot of guys through the internet but im over that. i want a real romance damn it. where i meet a random guy and go from there. =) so maybe im just unrealistic for the nowadays dating scene. =P it doesnt help that i dont pay attention to people around me so i throw off the unavailable vibe like no ones business.
so the guy gives up or do you give up after a week? maybe you don't seem interested, so he doesn't see the clear signs that you'd like more and he dates other people before he picks one. does he chase you or do you chase him or you're not sure so you don't put in much effort when dating*shrug* not sure what the problem is since you seem to be doing everything alright. so it is probably that these guys just have different motives and aren't ready to settle down. I'd rather be single than be miserable in a subpar relationship. don't settle because you deserve the best:)
maybe they get bored
Oh, wow...It's almost as if you wrote that about me! It's just difficult to meet emotionally-available men. Maybe I'm attracting the wrong type. My problem is that I can't seem to meet one that's capable of communication or expression of himself. They usually behave like they've never grown out of their frat boy years.
There are a lot of guys who have the same issues...expand your interests, don't fall into the same pattern or routine...I firmly believe if people try hard enough, anything is possible !
i wonder if maybe you come off as intimidating because you are attractive, confident, etc? even confident guys can get shy around women like that. making yourself seem more approachable always helps.
Im going through that exact same predicament!!!!! I thought I was the only one who was going through this...which must mean...it must be me and not the guys right?!.... *sighs* i wish i could give you some encouragement but since i am in the same predicament i feel your pain. Although I do have to say, You are not lonely. You have wonderful friends who loves you and since Frog Prince isnt making his appearance, enjoy your time with friends and family. thats what im doing....