Saturday, 06 August 2011
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I Hate My Boyfriend's Best Friend
Hate is a strong word and I can honestly say that I’ve never hated someone before but this is the only way I can describe how I feel about him.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years and his friends are a very important part of his life. This is understandable and a very normal part of everyone’s life. However, due to distance and long work hours I am only able to see my boyfriend twice a week (usually on the weekends), and at least once a week we catch up with his friends. This was difficult at first as we were constantly around his friends but over the last couple of years, I’ve formed great friendships with all of them.
A best friend’s approval is very important but I don’t feel like it needs to influence the relationship. Although his best friend approves of me I still find him incredibly annoying. Just the sound of his name makes my blood boil.
I, like so many others, find him obnoxious, controlling, overbearing and pretty much a tool. He is recently married and he has stated on many occasions that he cannot be with his wife alone because she is boring. He even went so far as inviting all of us to his honeymoon so we can have a "group trip."
Within a close group of about 10 people, there are 6 of us that are coupled together including the asshole and his wife. When we all go out for dinner or movies or any other social outing he insists that the boys and girls are separated; as in boys sit on one row and girls on another. If we go out for drinks or dancing the girls are meant to stand in one corner while the boys go to another.
He is driving a wedge between all the couples because I feel at the end of the day he wants his friends to himself.
As much as I hate his ways I find it more frustrating that my boyfriend does not see what I see. I realize he has blinders on as they have been friends for so long, but when we are together in a group setting my opinion does not matter over his best friends’. The worst part is I can see my boyfriend becoming more like him – becoming a tool.
I have told my boyfriend many times what I feel but he thinks I am overreacting and unfair. The thing is I’m not the only one who sees this.
I have never asked him to choose me over his friendships – and I never will. But I really hate this guy and I still want to continue my relationship with my boyfriend- I just think it’s too difficult when I know his best friend is there.
What can I do to just tolerate him and not let him get to me? Has anyone else experienced something similar to this?
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- From: littleone@lovelyish
- Name: littleone
- About Me: I'm letting you into my secret life
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Comments (13)
don't attack him when you tell him all this! he'll naturally be super defensive. take the tactful route.
or... talk to his best friend directly.
I dealt with it. I was with the guy for 5 years the first time and the second guy I was with for a year. Ultimately their best friends played a huge part in destroying our relationships because they just turned the guys I was dating against me and into huge jerks. We would fight over simple things... For instance: My second ex and I would make plans to do something together, and then his friends would just sort of insert themselves. And in the end, what should have been a date with my boyfriend turned into me being left behind so he could do things with the guys. It happened all the time. I finally got fed up with it and left. I know you like the guy, but he seems like he's turning into someone you're not going to like. I'd sit him down and tell him how it's making you feel, but it sounds like he's past the point of reason.
i know it is hard but plain and simple, stop accompanying him on these friend night outs. if he wants time with friends, make it exactly that. you don't have to have your SO's best friend in your relationship, after all, so simply stop interacting with this tool. let your time together be your own and his time with his friends their own.
just line some things out for him:
1) i don't enjoy being out around your best friend.
2) as a result, i am not going to go to things where he is present - all that means is that you should have a good boy's night out, and i'm going to do my own thing tonight! (:
3) i know we don't get to see each other that often but by cutting your best friend out of my life, i am cutting out an element that i feel sours our relationship. i am dating you and not you and your best friend. i'm not telling you not to see him! i just don't want to see him.
bros before hoes.
but seriously, haltija has the right idea.
yikes if you guys are only seeing each other only twice a week then it must be a pain but I'd follow the advice @haltija@xangagave because it seems pretty solid. He needs to understand that you aren't trying to make him choose. Also be serious and keep the conversation bussiness-like when talking about this. When they see that you are getting angry or upset they tend to opt for the "you are over-reacting card". So establish that situation and hopefully he comes around and spends time with you more often. I'm not sure if I'd talk to the best friend, from the way you described him he's probably going to get confrontational and talk alot of smack. So try to keep it just between you and your boyfriend, say that you'd like to spend time with him but if you two are only going to go out only be seperated for a guy/girls night out than he might as well go on his own.
are you seeing him become more like his best friend? or are you seeing him for who he really is?
What I did, was talk to the best friend.. Get to know him, find out what makes him act the way he does. In my case, the guy had a social anxiety disorder so he had a legitimate reason for how he acted. Thankfully he got the courage from me and my now ex to go on meds and get help, and turned out to be a pretty ok guy (so much so that I set him up on a blind date and they are now married!).
i just be mean to people, haha. it's kinda sad.. but i find it more fun to tolerate someone you don't like if you're extremely sarcastic to him/her.
As someone who didn't like her boyfriend's best friend (M) for the longest time (even before my boyfriend (B) and I started dating), let me suggest you bide your time. Let your boyfriend have guy time with him and try to find some fun things to do with the female side of the group. It shows you're not going to keep your guy away from your friends.
M is kind of arrogant and he was quite the player. I first met him years ago, when my best friend was dating B and M kept hitting on her, all the while being disrespectful to me because I was trying to make him stop. During the time I've known M, he was known to string along different girls at the same time, which really annoyed me.
Now, since B and I have been dating awhile, M has started to calm down and has even followed the pattern and has settled down with someone. He's still a little arrogant, but he's so much better than before.
However, as much as I suggest waiting for the waters to calm, I do also think you need to keep your guard up a little and pay attention to what your boyfriend's best friend is doing. If you find that your relationship is struggling and that your boyfriend's best friend has a hand in this, you need to talk to your boyfriend about it (and by this, I don't mean just saying, "Don't hang out with him!" since that will only seem like you're trying to control his friendships). If he cares, he'll listen.
In the beginning of our relationship, I noticed that after B would hang out with M, he would pick up some of the cocky mannerisms. I also noticed that a lot of the things M would make him do were just for M's sake, even if they were inconvenient for B. I told B I didn't like these things and that while I know M is is friend, he needs to look out for himself and us too. B then made sure to monitor his behavior and not become cocky and he confronted M about these actions. It made a huge difference.
wow i cant believe that group honeymoon bit. lol. but honestly shes probably the same as him..
i think this is bothering you the most because you only see him twice a week. thats not nearly enough if one of the times is a group outing where you're seperated.
id express my concern about his douchebag friend realistically, nicely and give specific examples. im not sure if you're percieving his friend rubbing off because you're frusterated and so its affecting your relationship or if its actually happening.
either way you definately need to spend more time with him. 2x a week isnt enough, if only one of the times is you spending time with him. add more dates.
His friend legitimately sounds like an asshole, and you should try to avoid spending any time around him or call him out on his behavior while it's happening. "No, I see my boyfriend twice a week, I want to sit with him, I'm not doing this whole girl/boy separation bit." would do the trick.
I'm sort of having to deal with this in a way because my friend's husband is a misogynistic asshole and she told me that none of her friends ever like him and her best friend back home HATES the guy. Which makes me feel better about hating him. He's dreadful.
@Sara - Sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend and his BFF. Except things didn't get better.
I know how you feel!!!!! I've actually married my boyfriend after 3 years and have moved to a DIFFERENT COUNTRY and what do you know?! The asshole friend invited himself for a visit.
I don't want him at our house (and my husband will tell him not to stay if I ask him) but I just feel awful about the while thing. It actually makes my stomach hurt how much I don't want to see this guy.
Do I tell my husband he's not allowed to stay?
If he stays at a hotel, he'll still want to see my husband daily....A whole week. I can say I'm at work and have other plans, but eventually our paths will cross.
I have no advice for you, except breathe deeply and try your best not to explode!!!!!!!
UGGGGH I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. I'm basically in a relationship with my boyfriend and his single best friend who I can't stand. He is definitely single for a reason. He'll probably always be single which means I'm pretty much stuck with him for life. My boyfriend has such a soft heart so I can hardly blame him but I really feel like he's being insensitive towards my feelings. It's long distance right now and every time I visit, his best friend is on top of us 24/7 literally. He barely has a job so he has so much free time to be over ALL the time, even sleeping over. My boyfriend lives in a STUDIO. This is SO NOT appropriate yet my boyfriend gets SO DEFENSIVE if I breathe a word about his best friend. Considering his best friend is with him 24/7 when I'm not there, can't he go away for the few measly days I'm there visiting. It's only a couple days every 2 months.
Even before the long distance relationship, he was with us everywhere we went. This would be annoying if I liked him but he's so bitter, obnoxious, and unpleasant to be around, this is beyond infuriating. I can see the future now; him being present as I'm giving birth to our baby, him moving in with us forever, just living with us forever. My boyfriend and I are never alone.