Friday, 05 August 2011
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Too Old for Games
I just got out of a 7 year relationship and I'm back on the dating scene. I'm a little old to be asking advice on dating, but I figure outside perspective is always good.About a year ago (while I was still in a relationship with my ex) I ran into a guy I went to school with at a bar. I was really attracted to him (as my relationship was already crumbling) and we seemed to hit it off. His friends got along with my friends, everything seemed awesome. He got my phone number and asked if I would like to hang out the next night as a "group." I said sure.
The next day rolled around and he called at around 12pm to make plans for the night. I couldn't bring myself to answer. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was still trying to work things out with my current ex and I didn't think it would be right to hang out with someone I was so attracted to. He then texted me, also left a message. I responded via text saying: "I will see what my friends want to do and get a hold of you later." Of course I never bothered to get a hold of him at all.
Fast-forward about 2 weeks later, I'm still trying to work things out with my ex, and I run into this guy AGAIN. He immediately comes over and says: "Hey, you never called back." I mumbled through some stupid excuse and he talked to me for a while and asked if I would like to go to a different bar with him and his brother. Again I say: "No thanks, I have to stay here because I'm meeting someone." Of course, I wasn't meeting anyone. We parted on friendly terms.
The next day I hear that this guy was engaged to be married but had been dumped recently. I heard he was still seeing the girl, but his Facebook said single, she had been deleted, along with all of the pictures. He apparently wasn't keeping it a secret because he had told one of my good friends he was still trying to work things out with his ex.
To make this story shorter, he got into a car accident and almost died. I messaged him to see how he was doing, and shot him a Happy B-Day text message. He said "Thanks" and then a week later sent me a Facebook message asking if I would like to go to dinner with his friends and himself that week. I said "Awesome, absolutely" and he told me he would call later that week when they decided where to go.
A week came and went, then 2 weeks, then three. No phone call. Not only that, but he didn't respond to a short message I sent online asking him how he was feeling. As a matter of fact he hasn't been in contact AT ALL since he asked me to hang out. What the hell is going on? It's not that I came on too strong, I'm not a flirt and I am not aggressive. I hesitate to do anything else, as I sent him an invitation to a party on Facebook and he established he would "not be attending." I am so confused....
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- From: dolleyes5
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Comments (15)
Perhaps you should have been honest with him from the beginning about your apprehension to hang out. It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to be blown off again or he's met someone else OR he's back with his ex. My advice: Back off and let him make the next move. If he does, tread carefully. If he doesn't, move on. As they say, "There are plenty of other fish in the sea."
You were attracted to him yet lied to him twice and then rejected him.
he has no interest in you at this point, similar to how you behaved towards
him at the beginning.
If you were honest with him about your feelings from the start, instead of lying,
then maybe he wouldn't have done the same thing back to you
it seems to be that you started it. he reached out to you first, but instead you continuously rejected him. you told him, you'd call him back but you never did. when something bad happened to him, you tried talking to him again. basically, he did what you did to him first.
you should've been honest with him from the start. told him you're interested in him, but still trying to see if you can work things out with your ex before you move on, etc. the problem started with you. so now he doesn't seem to care enough about you to want to pursue you anymore. he might've just thrown that invite out there to see what you'd say or to be polite. but wasn't expecting anything out of it.
if you want to turn things around though, i think you should make more effort to contact him, not just about his health, etc, but just make small talk in general, and def express interest that you would like to see him soon. see how he takes it.
you played games with him at the beginning - why should he have any interest in you now? be honest with people and you won't end up in stupid situations like this.
unanimous :)
this was a year ago? well he probably isn't really interested after a year, ya know, and after how many times you rejected him.
Though I agree with the comments above, why don't you give him a call...? You did say he was in a car accident before? Perhaps he's dealing with repercussions from the accident??
I know texting is the thing these days but...it really is no substitute if you want a straight forward answer.
Sounds to me like both of you are/were in the same boat. He obviously was having relationship issues as were you. The question is though when he was interested in you...was it as a friend, a potential relationship, or a hook up? Maybe he is not responding to you now because he is back with his ex or working on their relationship. Or maybe he just wanted a hook up and has since moved on.
In the future always be straight forward and honest so you don't miss out on an opportunity for a friendship or relationship with somone. As for this guy...it's time to move on. If he is still interested he will contact you, but if he is not getting back in touch with you it's because he's not interested. Read that book..He's just not that into you. I would move on, and if he does call you or try to get in touch you can take it from there. But I wouldn't waste anymore effort on trying to get a hold of him.
If you want any chance with this guy you need to call him, get ahold of him, explain what happened in the past and apologize.
Going along with the posters above...you pretty much screwed yourself here. Why did you lie anyways? It would've been significantly easier just to say that you had a boyfriend or were trying to work things out.
In short, you were pretty much a complete bitch to the guy and now your getting upset when he's reciprocating the same behavior you dealt him on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS!
I hate when that happens...someone says that he/she will get a hold of me later or call me back later, but never does
he got revenge, simple as that
the world spins around back atcha, so passive aggressive vengeance is what happened here. I've known people, who also wondered what they did wrong or was "confused" when I gave them a taste of their own medicine, because they are so self absorbed that they can't see how evil they are first.
@written_conversations@xanga - Really? Would you get into a serious conversation about your pathetic love life with a complete stranger? For me to have brought up to him: "By the way, I have an ex who I am currently having sex with, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore." would've been awkward. Not only that, but it would be quite an assumption on my part to think that he was trying to hook up with me at all. Asking someone to hang out as a group isn't something I would consider a date. Also, I never lied about anything.
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You started the "confusing" behavior yourself at the beginning of the relationship. It's interesting that the title of this post is "too old for games", but playing games with him is exactly what you did. You were attracted to him, he was attracted to you, you told him that you were interested in hanging out again, and then ignored him. You lied to him, you rejected him, and you didn't start talking to him again until he almost died. Why should he bother with you?
If you are truly too old for games and want to have a relationship with someone, you have to be honest with them. Tell him you just got out of a relationship, you're trying to work it out, you want to take things slow, whatever, but be honest. And make sure that you give the same transparency and honesty that you expect to get. Don't lie to him and then expect him to be honest with you.
Shouldn't been honest at the get go, you know? Probably would of saved you some trouble and you shouldn't be too confused at how he is behaving in the slightest.