Thursday, 04 August 2011
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The "Other Woman"
This post was submitted by an anonymous user.About 3 months ago, this guy started working with me. We clicked from day one and became immediate friends. He has been engaged for about 1 1/2 years and we did not start our friendship with the intent for it to go past that. In fact, we tried our best to keep it completely platonic. That unfortunately did not last long. We wound up hooking up a few times and developing feelings for each other. I mean serious feelings. He is a completely loyal guy and will not just leave his girl. He is very tied to his Irish culture wherein he will stay with the woman despite the fact that she makes him miserable. He is always telling me how I make him happy and that he loves me too. But he can't leave her because of his morals.
Last night, we hit a good spot. I told him I'd be willing to wait it out a bit longer because I do love him very much. Things were in a good spot and he told me he was going to see what he could do about his fiance. Then it happened. I get the following phone call:
"I'm going to be a father."
Talk about a hit in the gut. That seals everything right there. Because he has wanted a kid for a while.
I am wrestling with thoughts in my head and wanting to tell him to get a DNA test when possible. He has said he thought she was cheating and I have a bad feeling that this kid is not his. This could be because I want him to be mine, or it could be because she has been cheating. I feel like I am not in the right position to tell him this. Because it may come across as me being immature and catty about the situation.
I told him I will still stick by him as a friend because we are very close friends. But how do I keep my emotions at bay? And do I tell him my suspicions?
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Comments (91)
He is playing with you. If that child is not his, then it is HIS problem. Not yours. Obviously he is using you. Get out of this relationship. This is not getting you anywhere.
I like how his "morals" allow him to deceive and exploit his partner but not to 'fess up and leave her. Ahem.
I agree with @Mal_P@xanga. Your situation's going to end in trouble that isn't your responsibility to deal with, and there's nothing to stop him from playing you just like he's playing his fiance. Get out of it. It'll be better for you in the end to be with someone willing to devote themselves to you - or at least be open with everyone.
Umm...isn't it morally wrong to cheat?? Leaving her would actually be doing her a favor! If you do end up with him, don't hold your breath in believing that he won't cheat on YOU. Do you really want to be with a man who so easily cheated on his fiance? And if he really is going to be a father, he's going to be tied to that woman forever. It's not a good situation and you need to cut your losses and move on. Whatever he's telling you is probably not the truth....like that he wants to be with you, wants to end his relationship, etc..
You ended up hooking up with him while knowing he has a fiancee...and you say he's faithful...wait, what did I just read?
RUN! this dude's using you and it's even more messey with the baby mama drama. Be a good friend not only to him and to yourself and just step out of the picture. This will allow you to collect your feelings and then you guys can go back to being friends and actually support him. It's honeslty not fair to you, to support him. He's a grown man let him figure things out for himself. And might I also add it's really not that great being the other woman. Regardless, she cheated or not.
You're both stupid as fuck. Maybe you should stay with each other so nobody else has to deal with either one of you.
"He is a completely loyal guy and will not just leave his girl. He is very tied to his Irish culture wherein he will stay with the woman despite the fact that she makes him miserable. "
"But he can't leave her because of his morals."
apparently his morals are ..... ummmmm ...... sleep next to one woman at night, bone another during the day? he is completely loyal tooooooo..... um, his penis?
seriously person? seriously.
@LoveeLikeASunset@xanga - LOL I love this comment.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - Win.
A) Obviously he doesn't feel the same as you do if he still with his fiancée. He just playing you & keep himself safe by staying with her.
B) He got what he wanted, a baby. Sounds like he wants to settle down. He have a fiance & baby. He has what he want. Where do you fall in his life???
C) He's definitely marrying her now she's pregnant. & if they aren't together and shes in his life FOREVER. Baby drama is no good, look at the bitches on Maury.
D) This baby was a hint.
SO TAKE THE HINT, HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT & LEAVE RIGHT WHERE HE'S STANDING.
Where's my talk show???
Oh wow, cant wait for all the xangans to get their panties in bunch and shit a brick over this.
He is not as loyal as you think he is. If he was loyal, he would only remained friends with you and never get involved on a deeper level. Best to stay away from him. He already betrayed his morals when he hooked up with you.
That's not loyalty or morals.
loyal and moral, my ass. Honestly, I doubt he's got a child coming, that's his excuse to kick you to the curb after he's had his fun.
what morals...
If he were a loyal man he would not be cheating on his future wife with you. Don't put him too high on that pedestal. You can't see through your googly-eyed love affair so I'd advise to wake up and smell the coffee. This whole thing reeks of fish.
Don't you think you deserve better than to wait for a guy that clearly does not ant to be with you?
So forget the things that he has said about morals and other stuff. People make decisions in their lives to stay with people despite how happy or unhappy it makes them. He may love you, truly and fully. He probably really values your friendship and relationship and the idea of changing that back into something platonic probably scares him into making him think that he will lose you totally. Yeah. It's hard. Especially that you know that you both have feelings for you. But here's the deal. He has made it clear he had no intention on leaving her, and now that decision is clenched. Whether it is his child or not is not for you to worry about. If he asks how you feel, as the supportive "friend" that you will now need to be to give him and his relationship the highest opportunity for happiness, step back, tell him to consider the things he has told you, but be happy for him. As much as it may hurt. Be happy for him. Love him anyway, but from a distance. Do not think you need to he a hero in letting him stay close.
Find things to fill your time that do not include him or his life. Make yourself busy during the times that you would regularly have available and open for him. Give yourselves distance. Agree to move forward without the physical intimacy. Yes, it's difficult when you are close together, but it has to happen. The more space you put between you and the romantic part of your guys's relationship, the easier it will be to move on.
Speaking of moving on, date. That guy you've been turning down for the last month of so? Give him a shot. Find someone available with whom you can enjoy unrestricted passion. You do not need to lose your friend, but you do need to lose your "boyfriend" as he belongs to another person. If you need to talk more, let me know. I will not judge and I have been in similar situations. Take care of yourself. I am sorry about what you are going through.
In my opinion, if you know for a fact that he will remain out of your reach, and you have feelings that strong for him, you should do your best to distance yourself from him. I was in this situation before, where I loved a girl, and she told me she loved me back but there was no way we could be together; I told her I'd stick by her side as a friend no matter what.
I found that the longer I stayed by her side, though, the more misery began to brew within me over the fact that I knew she'd never be mine. That was six years ago, and since then I've found a healthy relationship and convinced myself that it was finally time to let go. I reluctantly cut ties with that individual (about a year ago), and I find that I'm a LOT happier without having that unrequited love in front of me continually.
I know how you feel, but please accept this advice from someone who's been there: sticking near this man could be a poison. Please don't let it consume you.
A person who is willing to cheat to be with you will be willing to cheat on you to be with someone else too. Have a little more self respect, please.
"We wound up hooking up a few times and developing feelings for each other. "
You "wound up"? What, as if you had no choice in the action of hooking up? Sure, it's tough to stop from developing feelings; feelings are just that - feelings. But hooking up is NOT in the same class as developing feelings. Heck, even if you suspected you were developing feelings, you would try to find ways to slow that down.
"He is very tied to his Irish culture wherein he will stay with the woman despite the fact that she makes him miserable."
Is it part of Irish culture to hook up with other chicks outside the exclusive relationship? You should ask him about that.
"I told him I will still stick by him as a friend because we are very close friends. But how do I keep my emotions at bay? And do I tell him my suspicions?"
You keep your emotions at bay by hanging out with other people and making yourself busy when he calls for your ass. Seriously, do you think it's worth ruining an exclusive relationship by being friends with him? Is your "friendship" that important that you have no issue with tempting a man who should be faithful to his spouse? Sure, tell him your suspicions - if he takes them seriously, he can check with his fiance. If he doesn't and dismisses you as catty, it could go a long ways in making sure he no longer takes you seriously as a lover. Win-win!
This is what happens when people are told marriage is more important than anything. What a crock of shit. It's funny how a piece of paper will make people stay when, without it, they'd be out the door in a heartbeat.
As a friend, you can tell him your suspicions. After all, you said that he thought she was cheating. So it only follows that the kids could be someone else's. It's something a friend would do. It's gonna be tough to keep your emotions at bay. It takes practice.
You're both self-centered, lying philanderers who really deserve no sympathy. At all.
Can't believe datingish is posting this horseshit, I guess you guys have no fucking standards.
@haloed@xanga - I can believe it, quality work on here is rare.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - Never underestimate a man's loyalty to his penis.
@LoveeLikeASunset@xanga - Jerk much?