Tuesday, 02 August 2011
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Struggling Together Strengthened Our Relationship
Sometimes my boyfriend and I would be hanging out with a couple of our friends, and we'd get that all-curious question: how did you guys even get to where you are now? We don't engage in PDA around them or make lovey-dovey remarks to each other, but somehow they all feel the depth of our relationship.When I say I've been going out with my boyfriend for the past five years, I really mean that I've been going out with him on and off for the past five years. It's been 19 months since we've gotten back together.
Before all was good and happy with us, we broke up and got back together more than a dozen times, and most of the time, those break ups were all my doing.
I only dated a few guys before I met my current boyfriend, but one of my longer relationships was wrought with abuse and sexual pressures I wasn't ready for. When I finally got out of that relationship, I couldn't stand being touched by other people--my moods were volatile and I had constant nightmares of being raped. This carried over into the first few months I was with my boyfriend, but he tried his damned best to gain my trust, which I was able to fully give him three years later.
The hardest years came when I got really serious about dancing, writing, and academics. It wasn't enough for me to be on my dance competition team, I had to be the thinnest one, the one who got solos, who swept awards at showcases. I had to get more publications out of anyone at school and I had to make sure my GPA was high enough so I could go to college for free.
I defined myself by what I couldn't do, and allowed my failure to turn into self-hatred. The reason I couldn't love or trust my boyfriend as much as I wanted to was because I didn't love myself enough to give any love away to someone else. Even during our off-time, my boyfriend and I were always talking, and he was always trying to support me even when I couldn't talk about what was eating at me all the time.
I was too lost inside my own body to realize that my boyfriend was also suffering with an eating disorder. He's a runner, completed two marathons, and constantly trained for smaller races--triathlons, half-marathons, and 5Ks. It wasn't enough that he could finish a marathon--he had to beat everyone in his age group and his older brother. When he collapsed during a triathlon and was hospitalized for an extremely low heart rate (18 bpm) and thyroid issues, he realized what 100+ miles of running each week, adherence to a barebones diet, and the need for faster times meant for his body.
We weren't dating at the time, but it was best that we weren't. We needed to get out of our slumps, reclaim our bodies, and learn to love ourselves confidently. After more than a year of therapy, healthier eating, and an attitude change, we decided to give us another try.
I am a firm believer in love's power to heal, and I know that loving yourself is one of the first steps to recovery. And if you can then find the strength to give a little love to someone else who is suffering, the trainwreck becomes easier to bear. You never have to go through that hard stuff alone. Having somewhere there beside you for support makes all the difference. Our honesty and acceptance of each others' flaws only strengthened our relationship. Keeping secrets is hard from someone you really love, especially if it affects your relationship.I have admitted to my boyfriend more than I think I would ever admit to myself, because I knew he wasn't trying to judge me or take advantage of me. He confided in me all his insecurities, hopes, and fears--even the ones he had about me and where our relationship was heading--and we talked all of it out. We had hurt each other so much lying about our behaviors in the past, but somehow in a desperate attempt to rebuild, we started at square one, vulnerable but determined to help the other learn happiness again.
If you met us now, you would have no idea that we once exuded depression and anxiety, or that we were best friends with Ana and Mia instead of each other. Despite what I've just written, it's not a sad story. It's nothing we're ashamed of--the struggle is what brought us to where we are. It was absolutely worth every argument, every meal we tried to encourage each other to eat, and every second we spent getting down to the root of our personal problems.
Dante once said, "If you think you're walking through hell, just keep going." You eventually walk right out of it.
What's the hardest thing you ever had to go through with your SO? Did it make your relationship stronger in the end, or did it strain it?
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About the Author
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- From: dangelb
- About Me: My name means "daybreak" and I'm usually awake to watch the sunrise every morning. I'm a college student, obsessive tea drinker, and contemporary dancer. My first love was the piano before I learned how to love people. I love my R.O.B.--Really Outstanding Boyfriend--who gets just as excited as I do over antique books, soft-baked cookies, and Sporcle.
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Comments (14)
The acceptance of flaws was a big one. In my relationship I am the one that needs to feel constant reassurance and love or I get clingy. If I get that love though I definitely go off and do my own thing and don't feel clingy at all. My boyfriend is the one who needs to feel free and independent and so that clashed with me. We had to learn how to constantly reassure each other of our love while at the same time having the independence to live our own lives separately. That I think was the hardest thing to do.
Mine and my boyfriend's strength in our relationship is most other's weakness.
hahha so many things are always going to complicate a relationship
My husband and I went through some rough times at the beginning of our relationship and our ability to stick it out together and our dedication to make it work has made us stronger as a couple.
However, what has REALLY made us strong has been the fact that we've grown up together. We met at 17 and moved in together after 10 months, neither one of us ever having lived on our own before. Most people thought we were crazy, including our family, and many said we were setting ourselves up for failure. The truth is, we learned to survive without our parents together and we learned how to manage a household together. Most people establish themselves individually first and then get in to a relationship and establish themselves as a couple. My husband and I grew together and established ourselves together and that has made us stronger. Now, neither one of us can imagine living without the other. A lot of people would call this dependent and in some ways we are. We've talked about the realities. We know that you can't ever guarantee a happily ever after. But we're very in love, very compatible, and we've planned and built our lives around each other. Not because we feel obligated to but because we can't imagine our lives being any other way. Thinking about a future without him seems so... unfitting.
To many people, this many not seem so healthy but for us, it's exactly what we want and need.
@suggestivetongue@xanga - That is tough! But given what you said, it also sounds like you can balance each other out. :) Glad you could work through it.
@bmillerssailor@xanga - That sounds so beautiful and I'm so happy you were able to find that kind of love :) growth is so important, and when you go through it with someone that other person just gets it. Thanks so much for sharing!!!
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The hardest thing my boyfriend and I probably had to struggle through
was when we found out the news of my pregnancy. Now, the baby is three
and a half months and i have never felt more in love. The baby has
forced us to grow up, and in doing that, we no longer have the time or
energy to play stupid childish games with each other and instead are
straightforward and honest, and we'll say what needs to be said. I think
that him watching me be a mom has made him respect me so much more, and
me seeing him be a good guy, being there for his son and taking
responsibility, has made me have immense respect for him. Mind you,
we're only 18. Even to my ears that sounds so young, but i feel like we
have the mindset years above our peers and in that, we have a
commonality and our relationship grows stronger everyday :)
This was really inspirational, and something that's very present in my relationship right now, thank you for saying it so beautifully.
@solitary_surreality@xanga - I wish you the best of luck :)
@pencilpro@xanga - That's great that the baby brought you that kind of committment and relationship. I'm happy for you :)
@solitary_surreality@xanga - I'm glad it could speak to you :) sending you some virtual support!
Amazing story. Thank you!
This is so real. Thank you.
Yes,
well mine went all the wrong way , i have been sacrificing a lot for him :'( i have done everything i could and more .. we both struggled to make this relationship last ..we have been dating for 5 years before things got so complicated .. he doesn't even trust me which hurts so bad he questioned me about talking to his friend behind his back when i told him i didn't he was like " yup u lied" i realy dk what to do with him .. everything i do seems just another mistake and guess what guys after all he replaced me so fast with blonde one .. like hell if ur so into blonde why say shit to me n say u love me and all the crap then u leave me and after all we been through u say that " i mean nothing to u and u will move on" ... i kinda think that now all the men are the same..