Monday, 01 August 2011

• Why Aren't You Wearing Pants?

  

  Am I the only one who always seems to walk in at the wrong time? On second thought, maybe I just don't think things through...

  So I'm at a party--picture loud Ke$ha songs and drunk, screaming teens--and I'm looking for my date who was supposed to have had me home half an hour ago. We'll call him "Joe."

  Anyway, here I am wandering around asking various drunk people if they've seen Joe and everyone is all, "Joe... didn't he leave with that blonde chick he brought?" Which might have been helpful if "that blonde chick" they were talking about wasn't me. Eventually a semi-sober girl that we'll call "Jess" told me that Joe and her boyfriend "Steve" (the party host) had gone up to Steve's room to play Call of Duty.

  After I had my whole, "Oh that's wonderful. I'm about to get grounded and he's playing COD" moment, Jess and I went upstairs to get Joe.

  We're approaching Steve's room and we hear, "WOO! YEAH! GET IT!" coming from behind the closed door. (I should've known.) Jess and I exchange an eyeroll and she says, "Guess we're about to interrupt a good game." I reply with, "I hope I can drag Joe away, I really need to get home."

  Then I reach out and open the door. I'm halfway in the room before I really understand what I'm seeing. Joe and Steve are on the bed. They are naked. They may have been playing something but it most certainly was not COD. They are both staring at Jess and me and not moving.

  I don't know if it was the drink I'd had or just the shock of finding the guy I've been seeing in bed with someone else (the fact that he was in bed with a guy when I wasn't even aware he liked guys probably had something to do with it too), but what came out of my mouth was, "Joe, why aren't you wearing pants?"

  
  It seemed to break the awkwardness of the scene. Jess started screaming things at Steve that I won't repeat here, Joe attempted to get off the bed (and Steve) and fell over the side (which under different circumstances would have been hilarious) and I ran back into the hallway.

  After a minute of just standing in the middle of the hall... I started laughing hysterically. I actually sat down in the floor and laughed. It was just all too much. I only went to that party because he said he didn't want to go alone and be lonely. I was about to get grounded for being late. I'd had almost the exact same thing happen with my last boyfriend. I don't know why but something about all of this struck me as being VERY funny.

  After a minute Joe came out of the bedroom (wearing pants!) and stood there staring at me like, "what the fuck is wrong with this girl?" which made me laugh even more.

  He then started smiling and said, "so does this mean you're not mad?"

  I then threw my shoe at his face. I missed. "Does that answer your question?" I then got up, retrieved my shoe and said, "I was supposed to be home almost an hour ago. I hope you can think up a good excuse to tell my dad."

  After staring at me for a good 30 seconds he said, "So I'm still taking you home?"

  After a few more minutes of this witty banter we finally made it to the car. He drove me almost all the way home in total silence and then pulled over. He got out of the car and started rubbing the front tire. (What the fuck was he doing?)

  After a few minutes he got back in the car and explained, "Now that I've got crap from the tires all over my hands we can tell your parents we got a flat and that's why we're late."

  "Oh... yeah good plan."

  We didn't say anything else until we reached my driveway. Before we went in to explain why we were late he looked over at me and said, "so, I guess I should've told you that I like guys."

  "That might've been nice to know before we started dating."

  "Well, I mean it's not like I like just guys, I like girls too but I should've told you so you wouldn't be surprised when something like tonight happened."

  "Yeah and I guess I should've mentioned that if I caught you cheating on me with anyone else, guy or girl, that we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore."

  "I didn't cheat on you! He's not another girl!"

  At this point I realized that he honestly thinks that as long as you aren't messing around with someone that's the same sex as your SO you're not cheating. Seriously. So, realizing that there just wasn't anyway that sitting there talking to him was going to do any good I said, "Let's just go talk to my parents."

  I started to get out of the car and he said, "Wait!"

  "What?"

  "Let's just pretend this didn't happen."

  Let's just pretend this didn't happen. Yeah, I don't think that'll work.

  Has anyone else had something like this happen? Do you think that it's ok to mess around with someone who isn't the same sex as your SO? Would you pretend that it didn't happen?

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