Sunday, 31 July 2011
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What Happens When You Fall Back in Love with Your Ex?
This has never happened to me, but my really good friend Mandy* is going through this dilemma now.
To give you the spark notes version, Mandy and her ex-boyfriend dated for 4 years until they broke up. Mandy said the relationship had been deteriorating for months before she realized she had to be proactive about it. At first she would hint, then she progressively got less subtle until she finally expressed her feelings.
For a couple of more months, every time she brought up the subject he would deny that there was anything wrong. In her opinion, he'd lost depth and became too materialistic. He had no life besides her. Simply put, he had changed and as a result her life had become a predictable routine. She was falling out of love. Finally after a surprisingly civil break up (which only turned out to be the calm before several storms), she met some one else.
Mandy, her new boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend Joey* were all juniors in college making the same decision to study abroad in Europe this past Spring 2011. Here is where the plot thickens. In April, Mandy and I went to Florence one week for vacation which also happened to be where Joey was studying. It was in these five days in Italy that Mandy felt like her world had turned around 360 degrees.
She had been very happy with her new boyfriend Jason*. They had been a very good fit, and he was a great guy. However after 11 months of being broken up with Joey all these feelings of regret and love for Joey came rushing back, and I mean rushing.
Mandy was hysterical. She felt like she'd made a huge mistake, like she had taken him for granted, like she was still in love with her ex.
We are currently in July and Mandy's feelings have not changed. She broke up with Jason, concluding that after Florence, it was probably better if she'd just be single for the moment.
My heart goes out to my friend. She isn't your average, indecisive chick that boy hops from week to week. She is a girl whose feelings are mixed, whose confusion is consuming her, and who doesn't know what to do next. She's not all that ready to go running back into Joey's arms to have the same problems again, but she does know that in some form or another she needs Joey in her life.
What is a girl like Mandy to do? When she was positively sure before, she turned out to be wrong, and now that she's extremely unsure, she is afraid to make a decision.
Does she need space to be on her own? Or is it possible that she threw out her soul mate simply because she was in a state of frustration and angst?
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About the Author
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- From: savyadvice
- About Me: Born and raised in NYC, I am about to be a senior in college, and still feel clueless about exactly what I'm going to do after I graduate. For most of my life, I haven't been involved in anything too serious except for one relationship 2 years ago and one that is progressively getting serious now. Dating can be really exciting or extremely stressful sometimes, I'm excited to try and unblur (just coined a new word) the fine lines between the two here on this site. =)
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Comments (16)
I've never fallen in love with an ex so I wouldn't know.
"She broke up with Jason, concluding that after Florence, it was probably better if she'd just be single for the moment."
Yeah, sure... she probably broke up with Jason because she wanted to capitalize on what she thought was a missed opportunity.
Sometimes when you spend time away from a loved one, seeing them again is like hitting the "Reset" button, except in this case, she never really "broke up" with her first ex to begin with, so... ta-da!
"She isn't your average, indecisive chick that boy hops from week to
week. She is a girl whose feelings are mixed, whose confusion is
consuming her, and who doesn't know what to do next."
You're right. She's actually your average, indecisive chick that boy hops in any given time period; whether it's a week or a few years, doesn't matter too much, because I'm betting a lot of girls don't quantify their relationship time the same way boys, or digital clocks, do.
She threw out her most recent boyfriend because she saw her ex in a new light and thought "OOOH SHINY". There's nothing complicated about this.
please tell her to spend some time with herself and enjoy being single for a while. its natural she has feelings for him, they were together a long time and loved each other at one point. so seeing him again triggered feelings as most old flames do. but she should NOT go back to him confessing love unless she knows what the hell she feels for real. i had an ex who did this to me and id never stopped loving him so when he came back, i wanted him back too. just to lose him later, him saying ooops i thought i still wanted you but i guess not. so save the guy some heartache. -_-oh ya, and no friendship cuz she may confuse missing him with loving him.
Spend some alone time first. Be single for awhile, perhaps it is just a phase. If the feelings keep persisting, then it may be real. But also be sure that the person is really what you want. You don't want to waste time going down a path that isn't going to work. Depending on the circumstances, I think some people deserve a second chance. We all fucked up our relationships because we just didn't know better and we made stupid choices even though we were just trying to make the right ones (if that made any sense). If the two of them are compatible together and work well towards resolving problems, then I don't see why not give it a second try if you two really like each other. But definitely make sure it is what you want, and only time can tell.
I've known guys, who were still hung up on their ex, so if I was jason, I'd run for the hills or find someone with less baggage. I used to know someone like mandy except it was a guy and all I gotta say is...don't let someone be your priority when he/she only makes you another one of their many options. in laymen's terms...f*** that biatch! lol excuse my french.
Yeah spending time being single to re-evaluate what it is she needs in her life, her priorities etc. would do her some good. If she realizes she really does love Joey in the end, then go back to him and apologize for doing what she did, I'm sure he was heartbroken when she left him just like that for another guy. However, it's really important that she's SURE that Joey is the one for her and not just wanting him in the moment like what other commenters above me have said, 'cause leaving him for a second time like that.. he's going to be emotionally-damaged for a long time. A side point though, what makes her think Joey would take her back? How does she know he didn't find a new gf or like someone else? Would he even trust her after she dumped him like that? Does she think she can discard a guy so easily to go for another, then throw that away too to come crawling back? I know everyone makes mistakes, hopefully she learned from her errors and can make a better choice.
I love how certain Datingish blog posts come at these exact moments in life where.. I. Feel. The. Same. Thing. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers for Mandy (or else I wouldn't be feeling this, right?). It seems like taking the time to self-reflect is something very important. If, and when, she's ready, talk to him. See where his feelings are. If, for some reason, he doesn't feel the same way, at least she knows. At least she doesn't need to keep it boiled up inside her any longer. If it doesn't work out, she needs time to move on.
i'm gonna give your friend the advice i wish i would have followed. be single for awhile & get all your emotions worked out. i've been on and off with my boyfriend for awhile now & the last time i broke up with him i thought i was really done and then he ended up having a seizure the same night.. i felt terrible about it and broke down blaming myself for what happened so of course i ran back to him and although i was concerned about his health i should have been supportive but kept my distance. i wish i would have had time to clear my mind because i don't think i would be with him right now if i would have. i think i would have been alot happier.
I was going through the exact same thing, but I didn't have that new guy to come into the picture. I just kept going back to my ex. However, one day, I came to realize that guys will never change and the problem will forever remains. From then on, I decided to move on. I found a new job, met new friends, etc. Your friend just need some little event or guidance to trigger her into thinking that her on-going mixed feelings about her ex will only torture her in a way that will keep her from dating any new guys that will come along.
I do not know what good advice to give, but I am sure time can heal her pain~
reasons. here's what I've surmised from the ordeal. apparently in the end
it boils down to "effort." men define that as just hanging out and
chilling with their significant others, while women define it as undivided
attention, and perhaps spontaneity. unfortunately, there's a clear discrepancy
between the meanings as a result somebody will get bored, generally the female.
as with most women, after the break up comes the "rebound" phase, and
they are easily attracted to somebody that possess the qualities that they
never had, without thinking about the reality of it. most people have an
outward persona and appearance, but when you really get to know them, it's usually
just a front and the qualities that they exhibit to attract aren't with them in
the long run. unfortunately the average women won't consider this as a factor,
and will almost instantly jump into another relationship ASAP to fill a void
that they lost with the previous (and long) relationship. personally I think that's a little shady that there's double
standards. women can go around doing
stuff as described in your post, and when they realize their
"mistake" they play the emo card and basically get out of jail for
free. when a guy does that, we're labeled as "players" or
"sleezy." the question then becomes, who really didn't put in any
effort? well the right answer is both sides to begin with, but in the long
term, it's actually the female. if the guy attempts to reconcile, but she
blatantly refuses, then it's her own fault that the events following the
break-up occur. to answer your question and to offer the last of my two
cents, she really can't do anything, because she just put the ball in the EX's
court. she has to decide to whom she wants to be with, and he has to decide
whether or not he can forgive her. if there's a consensus between the two, than
the answer's obvious and the original couple will prevail. but as with all life
stories, life isn't fair. chances jeoy and her will remain friends, and she'll
end up with the new guy. that's typically how it goes anyways unless the four
years they had actually meant something. she'll say they did, but eh, she
certainly hooked back up real fast lol.
when you love someone, you will always love them and there's always a part of you that will always be drawn to that person even if you are not dating or with that person anymore.
If I were her (have been in a sort of similar situation), I would talk to Joey and say that I was still in love with him but needed some time, basically just keep him updated (this is if they're friends who talk regularly anyway).
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Standard behaviour. About 9 - 12 months after a relationship ends, especially if it ended amicably, the subject will have lost all negative emotions attached to the previous relationship, and will only remember the good emotions. The effect is exaggerated when mixed with a new relationship, in which negative emotions will occur, causing a potentially explosive situation.
Either way, you lose perspective. The relationship ended for a reason. However much you care, love or think about the other person.... There really is no going back, because trust will never be there however much you wish it...
I am going through this exact same thing, I am Mandy in this situation - and not proud. I have yet to be single again and I agree that what I think I must do is become single again and reflect so I can find out exactly what I want. However, in this situation I have confronted my ex - after 6 months. He was angry that I had realized so late, too late as a matter of fact. Since then, he has given me mixed messages about how he feels about me (good and bad) - bottom line, it's over. I don't know what future holds or if he will forgive me - Howeverrrrr, I did not have sex or tell the new guy I love him even. I even went on vacation with the New guy like Mandy. I seriously feel this article is about me...but I never fully commit to the new guy because I think in the back of my head, I was never really over my ex, I just hid the fact that I wasn't over him and seriously believed I was over him
- and that's why it all came crashing down on me. It's really sad because he thinks we broke up and I found a new bf right away - that's what it looks like. What he doesn't know is how I really felt the entire time...I don''t know if it could ever work again, was Mandy fully invested in this relationship? Did she feel anything holding her back ever? at all? If so, maybe she wasn't so over him like she thought, as I was.