There was a time in my last relationship where the girlfriend tried to tell me who I could and could not hang out with.
Point in case, anyone without a penis, I couldn't spend time with. Even if we run into each other out in the way, I can only say hi. No catching up over a coffee or a snack or anything. Regardless if it is one person or a whole group of people, if I am the only male in the group, she won't allow me to hang out with them. And of course, we got into an argument about it.
I have more friends that are girls than I do that are guys.
I find it easier to connect with a female than with a male because I am a very open person and tend to come from a nurturing background. What I try to understand is where this grasp of control is coming from.
Could it be from her lack of trust in me? Could it be that she didn't trust them? Could it be an insecurity of me being friends with a lot of girls? Or was it her way of trying to control me?
She was a girl that would want everything her way. And if she doesn't, she'll send you packing. She never compromises, never tries to work with you and if you can't please her with her way, she throws a major fit and does everything she can to belittle you and make you feel like you are the bad guy.
Was I wrong to have fought with her about this issue? It's not like I set up dates here and there with as many girls as I can. I'm talking about friends that I've known for years that she won't allow me to see.
Is this something you do? Why do you do it? Have you have this done to you? How did you handle it?
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Comments (21)
I'll admit that i would prefer not to have my SO hanging out with other girls, but everyone has an irrational jealously about stuff like that sometimes. I however would never tell him he couldn't talk or hang out with someone that has a vagina & if I did I would expect him to send me packing. I think you were right to bring this up to her and if she is unwilling to compromise or explain her irrational fear to you, then it might not be meant to be. Compromise and communication is key in a relationship, and if neither of those exists it will be a upward battle of a relationship
If she hangs out with guys who are just friends, she is being extremely unfair and you were right to speak up.
Your ex-girlfriend (guessing she's an ex now) sounds just like my ex-boyfriend so maybe they'd be perfect for one another! I was envious of my ex spending times with other girls but I think this was because we were long distance, and not because she was a girl. I was envious if he spent time with friends sometimes, on nights that we spent together when we were living in the same place. He always had more female friends than male friends, and I was fine with it. He used to go the cinema with a group of girls, being the only male. I on the other hand, got on better with guys when I was in school, and I had a lot of male friends that I liked to hang out with, alone or with a group. Nothing inappropriate went on, but my ex banned me from seeing my male best friend, as he suspected something was going on. When it wasn't, at all. And my ex had just cheated on me (technically, it's a bit of a debatable situation :/). I still allowed him to be friends, and hang out with the girl who had kissed him though! I certainly didn't like it, and I absolutely detested her, but I trusted him to not get into that situation again.
My ex didn't trust me though at the end of the day, and I'm sure he has his reasons as to why, I just wish that I understood them better.
Some people are just like this, and if you can find someone that feels the same way about it as you do then that's fair enough, otherwise I think there has to be compromise.
Two ex's in a row were like that with me. I wasn't allowed to hug any of my friends, men or women.
I've expressed a lot of disapproval about my exes hanging out with a certain guy or two, but that was usually because they would the only ones who couldn't tell that the guys were shadyshadyshady.
Nah, any girl that would try to do this to me would be gone. My female friends are too important to me.
I mean it's not always about her not trusting you. My boyfriend and I went on a trip with this one female friend of his (and another guy). I could see her asscheeks hanging out the bottom of her shorts, and could often see not just her bra strap, but her bra cup actually cupping her boobs. I was pretty pissed about it.
My boyfriend sensed that I was upset, and finally got the reason out of me. I didn't really mind them continuing to be friends, but I just didn't trust that girl. And for that reason, I became rather unhappy whenever he would hang out with her, because I didn't really like him hanging out with a girl who would do that sort of thing. I have so much respect for and trust in my boyfriend, though, which is why I tried to keep silent about the subject. I knew even if he thought she was attractive and realized how much skin she was showing, he wouldn't look at her butt and boobs out of respect for me.
Basically, your respectable boyfriend having slightly whorish and flirty female friends sucks.
But yeah, people have different boundaries. I don't mind my boyfriend going out to lunch with a girl, or meeting up to play tennis. However, I honestly do get a little uncomfortable at the prospect of him going over to a girl's house with her alone just to talk. That's a little weird to me? When I'm with a male friend of mine, we're usually doing something like studying or eating or watching a movie. Luckily I think my boyfriend understands that it's weird for him to just "talk" to a girl in a private setting, and he hasn't done so since we started dating.
OKAY. Sorry that was probably a little too long.
In summary, it's normal for her to be insecure if1) You've given her reason not to completely trust you2) Your female friends have given her reason to not trust them3) Part of the reason you're friends with lots of girls is because you like the attention (omg my ex was like this...fuck low self-esteem)4) She has low self-esteem
Figure out the correct reason(s) and have fun arguing. :D
It doesn't bother me if my SO has female friends, as long as he doesn't get overtly flirtatious with them or ignore me when they're around, and as long as it's clear that I'm his girlfriend, not them. But as long as he is respectful of our relationship and doesn't take issue with my having male friends, then I don't see the problem.
I guess I'm the kind of woman who feels really jealous of any other woman in my love interest's life (even though I try not to show it), but once he's mine, I'm sometimes a bit overconfident that he loves only me, and maybe some things that should bother me, don't.
i had a boyfriend who didnt like me hanging with guys. he felt no guy was a friend with a girl unless he secretly (or openly) liked her. so he would be an ass when i hung out with them but me being stubborn, did what i wanted to do anyway. i never liked limitations or rules, true to my saggitarius nature i guess lol. i was that girlfriend before tho and i think i did it because i wasnt confident in myself and felt my guy could be seduced away from me. the older i get though and the more relationships ive had, the less i am jealous, am more confident, and realize i shouldnt date someone if i dont trust them. lol. so thats why i did it in the past. also why i dont do it now.
When my boyfriend and I started dating, we were in a LDR although we visited as often as we could and we had known each other since high school (so for about ten years).
I told him straight up that I have lots of close guy friends and I'm not going to stop talking to them or hanging out with them, and he said he also had lots of girl friends and felt the same way.It was awesome.Our relationship is very trusting and we have good communication so we don't have to worry about that kind of stuff. Besides I introduced him to all my close guy friends so he sort of knows them and saw how we interacted and knew there was nothing fishy, not that he was worried about it or anything.
I don't know how to handle this. It seems like it is hard for guys to not feel somewhat attracted to their female friends. And, I can't help but be convinced..likely because it is true..that every other female my SO and I know personally are superior to me in several ways: physically, intellectually, morally, emotionally..etc. So, even though I know it is not wrong for him to talk to other girls and hang out with them...it makes me sort of freak out inside, knowing he probably can't help to compare me to them in some way as he's watching them talk, laughing with them, etc.
..Just to clarify, my SO is not "not allowed" to hang out with other girls. It's just that...when he does, I feel really sad for some reason. I know he must see them, and think deep down that he'd rather have that. However bad that sounds...it just seems to be true to me.
I don't like it... but its life.
The issue comes in when the girl has a bunch of male friends (that are JUST friends) and the guy isn't okay with that--but thinks it's okay for him to go out with girls.
My boyfriend knew from the get-go that a majority of my friends are male--and even my mother who couldn't tell a lie to save her life will attest that that's just the way it's been since I was 12--but he has the hardest time accepting that, wanting me to talk to them, hang out with them, etc. He'll frequently ask "how many guy friends can one girl have?" but he has more girl friends than guys and says, "well i know they're just friends." so he thinks that justifies him not wanting me around my guy friends but still hanging around his girl friends.
so, for me, until he can be comfortable with me hanging around the guys i've been friends with for years, i don't want him around girls, simply because that isn't fair on me, at all.
I only don't like it when he comments flirtacious things on their FB pictures of them half naked :/ everything he comments on pops up in my newsfeed and it reminds me that he has so many female friends. I don't know what to do about it so I try to ignore it but it makes me feel inadequate.
You have your own life, and you started your life way before you met your SO. She has no right to control who you can and CANNOT hang out with. If she fully trusted you (and lets face it - you have no real relationship without trust) then she shouldn't have a problem with it.
The way I see it is, if a guy is going to cheat on you, or leave you for someone else; then that's what was meant to happen.
I could see her not feeling comfortable with it, if it was a girl who tried to ruin your relationship with her, or if it was an ex girlfriend, or someone you have history with..but if they are just friends you've known for years, I honestly see no problem with it.
All and all, I'm positive it isn't healthy to ONLY communicate with your girlfriend and no other females..
My boyfriend has a lot of girl friends. He's a pretty good looking guy, and he's not open and nurturing at all really (at least not to justify why he'd have lots of girl friends) so yeah, it makes me a little uncomfortable when one of them wants to hang out with him. He feels very strongly that neither of use should be able to tell us who can and can't be our friends, and while I have more "rules", I agree with him. He doesn't care if I go out to a bar with an ex-boyfriend alone, but if he wanted to do that with ANY girl, nevermind an ex, I would not be ok with it. So far, it hasn't been a problem.
He's also told me that one of his girl friends confessed feelings for him, and he's decided to not continue a friendship with her. I appreciate that a lot, but I can't help but think that a lot of his girl friends feel that way about him.
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-Did you sleep with any of them?
-Did any of them have intimate feelings for you (whether once reciprocated or not)?
Those above ^ were the reasons I fought so hard against my boyfriend hanging out with particular girls. I have no problem whatsoever with him having chick friends (and he does), but girls who would openly bash my relationship with him, or girls that he'd previously slept with bothered me to a deeper core. It wasn't that I didn't trust him so much as I didn't trust them. He's a very nice, passive guy. Some of his previous sex "friends" were of the more aggressive (also I-don't-care if you have a girlfriend) type and I could see them hanging out 1v1 could go south very quickly and he knew that.
But if they were just that, friends, then I feel its more of her controlling or she has some serious trust/insecurity issues that she's gonna have to deal with.
@Reasoning - 1. I have.
2. Not anymore.
They are all in different states. And the times we've hung out, nothing has happened. The most contact we had since then was a one second hug. They are not the aggressive type and never made any advances towards me, nor have I made any towards them. It wasn't with just these exes. It was with any girl that I am friends with.
She had a lot of insecurities and took them out on me.
My g/f and I are pretty good about not careing if we hang out with other people and do different things with them. although we both maintain few friendships so it is a fairly closed circle.
although we do upset eachother on rare occations. but it is soon corrected and never repeated
though she shouldn't have been telling you who to hang out with, it all depends on the circumstances. for example, if you had any history with these girls, or whether the girls like(d) you, or whether the girls just didn't like her (doesn't even matter if they like you)!
Also, you say you're a really open guy so you feel more comfortable with girls... so can't you see how it would have been uncomfortable for your girlfriend while you were hanging out with girls one-on-one and in large groups "opening up" and having them think "oh wow you're so sensitive"