Sunday, 31 July 2011
I really hated growing up. I hated not knowing who I was, I hated school, I hated drama, and I hated most of the people I attended school with. I was bullied in my early years, and I didn't really have anyone to turn to. I sound a little pathetic complaining about this, but it doesn't make the hurt go away.
While I was beginning to work out who I was, I met someone. I was still vulnerable, I just didn't know that at the time. I thought he was good looking, and he seemed nice enough. We chatted a lot, starting meeting up a lot, and I knew from chatting with him that he'd never had a girlfriend. I liked that, since I'd never had a serious boyfriend before.
We were suddenly "going out." I was totally new to the experience, though I saw people around me "going out" and "breaking up" all the time. I wanted to know how it felt to be "going out" with someone, have someone hug me when I wanted a hug, and experience what a kiss felt like.
Before I knew it, and without much of my consent, the situation I was in with this guy had turned into a serious relationship. He was sweet and loyal, however he very quickly turned obsessive, paranoid and controlling.
He probably was always those things, I just hadn't got to know him enough before I decided to be known as his girlfriend. Not long after things were official between us, he would send me texts saying how we would be together forever. I would say "well what if we break up?" and he would act hurt and ask me if I wanted to break up with him.
I remember being in arguments with him, and there would be moments where I would know exactly what he was doing wrong. How he was a bad person. How I didn't deserve what he was putting me through.
As the months went on though however, the "I didn't deserve" turned into "I may not deserve", until years later it was "I probably deserve." After all, it was so consistent. Why would someone be so cruel if it wasn't right? Someone who claimed he loved me?
Sex got involved. I'd been with him for a mere six months when he put sex on the table. My gut reaction was no, because I felt I was too young. I still didn't know who I truly was, personalty-wise and body-wise, and although the stuff I'd done with him before were interesting and fun, I still felt that sex was too much of a big step.
I was a coward though. It didn't take him long to convince me that having sex with him wasn't a bad idea. He brutally beat me up mentally, and I let him because I didn't know any better. He was my boyfriend, and I thought I loved him but the truth is I almost hated the guy. I was almost scared of him. I was scared that everything he used against me was correct, and that indeed I was a waste of space and the only thing that made me a useful person was to be useful for him.
He was never violent with me physically, but he would go silent and cold on me. That was almost worse, since it stopped me from knowing what he was thinking, how he was feeling, what I'd done wrong and how I could fix the situation.
The sex was pretty awful. The stuff before the sex was fun, but the actual sex act hurt so much. My body wasn't ready for it. I didn't even fully understand it. I always felt filthy afterwards. I felt awful for betraying my family, I knew that if they knew what I was up to, they would be disgusted. I was young.
I was more then that fucker ever deserved, and he almost permanently damaged me. I feel absolutely nothing for the guy, except anger. I hate him in a way I cannot describe, in a way only people who can relate to me will understand, and in a way I hope no one else will with him. I hope I'm the only person he'll treat like that. No girl deserves to go through what I went through.
I was watching Lady Gaga get interviewed the other day, and she said something that not only made me love her a little more, it hit me somewhere inside. Hard. She said this:
"I have a lot of young fans so, I love you and I respect your show and I know you want to talk about sex and cocaine and all that but the truth is I don't want anyone doing drugs, and honestly you should wait as long as you can to have sex because as a woman you don't even begin to enjoy it 'til your mid twenties and when you're fifteen you don't know what's going on down there and you shouldn't try."
I hated that I knew exactly what she was talking about. I felt awful and ashamed. Of all the things I've done in my life this is the one thing I'm ashamed of.
I'm not asking for anyone's sympathy, however I am asking for some of you to read what I have to say and maybe listen to it, and consider what it may mean for you in your life. I'm not Lady Gaga; I can't spread my message across the globe, however I can write it on my blog.
Just because a guy tells you they love you doesn't mean they own you. It doesn't mean they have the right to your body. It doesn't mean they can control you, and one will think less of you for standing up for yourself. If a guy tells you something about yourself you didn't know or believe, then it probably isn't true. No man should ever make you feel like a waste of space. No man has the right to make you feel less of a person than he is.
Your boyfriend does not have the right to control you. What makes him the boss of your own body? Nothing does. It's your body. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do and if he won't accept you for believing that, then toss him in the trash where he belongs. He doesn't deserve you. Don't give in, don't do that to yourself, because you don't deserve to be put through that.
You can read this and carry on with your life, forgetting the words I want to share with you. You can click off this blog and believe I'm talking nonsense that people say everyday. All I can do is attempt to make a difference in the way someone thinks.
I know, all too well, that if someone had said this to me when I was 15, I wouldn't have listened. I would not have listened, and he did that to me. He made me stop believing what anyone else said but him. I hope I've gained the trust in a few of you for you to maybe consider that what I'm saying actually makes sense. No one deserves to be put down by someone they believe loves them.
If I have a daughter, she's going to hate me when she becomes hormonal teenager. My mum didn't protect me from the boys, and I sure as hell am not going to repeat my mum's lack of observation and willingness to stop and think for a second. I would have hated my mum for it, and my daughter will probably hate me for it, but that doesn't mean I won't do it.
I'll love my daughter, and no male has the right to make my daughter feel like she can't trust anyone but him. I'll remind her every day that I love her no matter what choices she wishes to make. I'll remind her that she's beautiful, so she doesn't need a man to tell her.
I hate what I went through. The only thing I like about it is that it's made me mature, sensible, and careful today.
I'm a different person now, but the memories are still there. I don't let it affect me in my life. I know what happened, I know what I did, I know what he did, I know what the bad things were, and I hope I know how to prevent this from happening again. I can't tell anyone what to do, however I can offer experience from my own life and hope you can relate to it and maybe you may trust that I have quite a good judgement on this particular issue.
[Krisko was going to post this on his blog and have me as an anonymous guest blogger. I agreed to his offer and that's why this is written. I've been wanting to write this for a good while now, but never had the courage I suppose. I'm ashamed of this, it's something I didn't want people to know about me. When I started writing this though, I realised that if I let Krisko post this anonymously, I would be a coward. I can't hide from my past, as much as I hate it.]