Saturday, 30 July 2011

  • Dealing with Depression From the Other End


    So a close friend of mine was recently diagnosed with depression. I'd always known something wasn't right though what it was, I hadn't a clue. He was moody, not social, distant and occasionally thought of suicide. He even tried it once unsuccessfully. He's still all of those things now, except he's medicated. But lets face it, being medicated only helps if you take your meds the way you should. Having never dealt with depression myself makes this whole thing difficult to deal with, puts a hell of a strain on our friendship and it's difficult to understand

    I work in a correctional facility, so I get why the inmates are in a funk. Some of them will spend their entire lives behind bars, others will be put to death and the rest that don't apply to the previous statements are young and ignorant to their situation. But I understand why they are depressed, I would be too if I knew I was gonna rot or die in jail, no family and no friends. With his depression, I'm in the dark. Literally. I never know what to say or not to say, if I should ask him how he's feeling or not, how to show him that I'm supportive or make him understand that I do care but I'm not good at showing it.

    If I try to talk to him about it, he clams up or he gets upset with me for asking questions. I don't know how to reach out to him and it bothers me that I just don't know.

    So what am I supposed to do?

    He's been going through these 'spells' when his depression kicks in. He wants to kill himself. Lately the time in between those spells is getting shorter and shorter. I worry that he will take his life. Yesterday he left me a voicemail telling me that he was in love with me and that he couldn't do this anymore. Look I don't respond to that too well.... If there is some phrase, or some politically correct statement that I should say... IT WOULD BE GREAT IF I KNEW IT.

    I will be blunt... I'm not the emotional type per se. I'm rude, blunt, and if you ask me a question I will give you an honest answer, which would most likely be an answer you won't like. I don't sugar coat anything, and more often then not, some people have said (both behind my back and to my face) that I'm mean, abrasive, and uncaring. Sure I can be those things when I choose to be, but more often than not, I'm genuinely a nice person until you give me reason not to be.

    I worry about him and telling him that only makes him angry. The last time I tried to talk to him about how he was feeling, let's just say I almost lost my head! Lesson learned, I won't be doing that again. I worry about him, I really do, he thinks otherwise and tells me I only say that to make him think I care. Problem is, for all the caring in the world there is absolutely NOTHING i could say or do if he does decide to kill himself. I wouldn't be able to get to him fast enough to stop him. What's worse is that is that I would have no option to say good bye, his familia knows nada about me, so I wouldn't get any information about his funeral assuming there was enough of him left to bury.

    So... I'm thinking of just walking away. Move on, I still have to live. I'm not gonna beat myself up about his mental status, because thats not my mental status. I can only hope that he chooses to do the same, but in the end I can't help him with it and I can't do it for him.

    Any advice on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

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Comments (8)

  • angys_coco@xanga

    Coming from a person who has been depressed, I can only say, that it is VERY difficult for a person with depression to speak about their feelings. Most often, those depressed come from dysfunctional families where talking about the feelings have never been allowed. And there is abuse involved. So to that person, the world around is going to be the same. Even though it may not. 


    I could say, that if he had left a voicemail to you saying he cannot take it anymore.. then call the authorities or 911, and alert them as to where he is. That is a sign of calling for HELP! And you try to get a councellor with whom you can talk about this and probably get an idea of what he is really going through. Obviously from this post, you care for this person. This person may not even tell his own family, so you will not know. If he called you, (or left a voicemail) take ACTION!  
  • methodElevated@xanga

    It sounds to me that he cares for you but can't trust you.  You are unable to empathize, and you blew up on him.  You learned your lesson, which is great, but he might not be so quick to dismiss it.  It will take time and effort from both of you to regain that trust, if you still want to try to be his friend.

    People with depression can act irrationally sometimes, but I'm sure he values your friendship, despite his moodiness.  Treat him with kindness and patience.  Some people can handle brutal honestly, some people can't.  When I'm depressed, I know it's difficult for me to accept criticism, even if it's constructive.  But if I have learned to trust the person telling me the truth, then it doesn't hurt for long.  Show him that he is loved for who he is, and I think he'll stop wanting to die.
  • cru3lkindness@xanga

    my boyfriend has depression and he says his medications make him feel like a zombie and he wants to die so he choses not to take them but if your friend was already wanting to kill himself before the meds i'd say maybe try another type of medicine..although the meds they give people for depression don't really help they just cover everything up and make the person numb to things. & honestly from past experiences and dealing with all the extra baggage with my boyfriends depression i would reccomend to get out now before things get to complicated and he depends on you for far to much. it's not fair to you. you need to be able to live your own life stress free and not have to worry about whether or not you can save him.
  • lilblucherrygrl@xanga

    My boyfriend and I both deal with depression and other mental issues so it makes it that much easier yet harder at the same time. We can understand each other because we are dealing with similar things but the rest is hard to deal with because our symptoms sometimes clash and depression can tend to making you a bit selfish. It's not exactly a bad thing but it is what it is and in order to make a relationship work you have to compromise. It can't always be about how sad YOU are. But that is a difficult thing to be able to see when you're stuck in depression. We have been dealing with feelings like this since childhood so as we grow older we have just learned to work around it. If this is something you can't personally understand, you're unhappy in the relationship and the both of you can't sacrifice equally then it might be time to break it off. Otherwise you will grow to resent him. Trust me.
  • RestlessPhoenix@xanga

    As someone who deals with depressive symptoms... my advice is to stop trying to understand 100%. When I'm upset, everyone wants to comfort me - hug me, tell me it will be okay, etc, etc... and that pisses me off to no end. One, because I don't like being touched when I'm sad, but two, because I do not need empty words of consolation. I need people to sit down, hear me out, and do their best to empathize.


    It sounds like you're doing that... mostly. What you need to remember is that you won't be able to empathize 100%... and that's okay. You aren't expected to. But you do need to try to understand, and you need to remember that it's not your friend's fault if you can't. Depression feels very much like being trapped... It's like Azkaban, if you've read Harry Potter. It can make it seem as if there's no possibility of happiness or fulfillment ever again. That's not something that's easy to grasp if you haven't experienced it.


    That said, I also wonder how your friend is interacting with you. If he's blaming you, making you fix every bad day, yelling at you, etc, he needs to stop it. I understand he needs support, but he has to do his absolute best to keep a handle on which emotions are caused primarily by the depression and, while he can share his feelings, he needs to not let it hurt others. That will understandably drive everyone away and put him at a worse place.
  • xhavexhopex@xanga

    I was diagnosed with depression three years ago. It has been a rough road, and I still struggle. Your friend seems to be in a deep depression, where  he honestly feels like you are just "pretending" to care. It used to be very hard for me to actually believe that someone would genuinely care about me, or want to help, and I feel like that is what he is going through now. Depression is really hard. Really really hard. And trying to understand it when you aren't going through it is probably very difficult. My number one piece of advice is to NOT make him your obligation. You have your own life to live. However, that does not mean that you can't show him that you care and reiterate in little ways that you will always be there for him if need be. Maybe write him a letter. a card, what-have-you, so he will have something written that he can come back to when he feels alone. Sometimes it's not about being there physically, but knowing someone cares makes a huge difference. Because he is stand-offish, I wouldnt suggest trying to get too touchy-feely/emotional with him. If Anything, I'd just say I hope you are doing well, or something of the sort that shows him that you are thinking of him, without actually having to have a conversation about it. Hopefully this will help you a bit, and I hope it helps him too.
  • anenigmaofsorts@xanga

    As someone who has depression and a multitude of other aweome mental health problems, I can assure you that him just telling you he was depressed took a lot. Let him know that you care very much about him and that his life is worth living. That's really all you can do. Just be there for him.
  • nubian_qween@xanga

    @RestlessPhoenix@xanga - on one or two occasions he said he felt like his unhappiness was and is my fault for two reasons: 1) he asked me to marry him once and I told him no. 2) he asked me to bear his children, I said no to that too. But lets face it, I'm not at a point where I'm ready to birth anoher child and even less ready than he is to get married. I tried to explain that to him, that didn't go too well either.

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