Saturday, 30 July 2011

  • Promises of Forever


    I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now, but to my own despair, I've realized that my feelings for my girlfriend have just gone away as time has gone by... I'm not sure if I can explain it properly, but I'm just not happy in the relationship. I did have feelings for her in the beginning... but they're just not there anymore.

    So where's the real problem? Why don't I just drive over to her house and break it off with her? Because she loves me, and if I ever did anything to hurt her like that, she'd be devastated.I'm afraid that she might even do something to hurt herself... She's had extremely low self-esteem for years and despite everything I've said and done before and during our relationship, she is still just as mentally damaged as she was when I found her.

    Even still, the longer I sit in this relationship, the more it will hurt in the end. I have to do it, I have to end it. On a side note, I spoke to my girlfriend's best friend last weekend and told her everything. To my surprise, she was very understanding. I thought for sure she'd bite my head off or at the very least, smack me and walk away. Thankfully, she knows how difficult this is going to be for me and why it's taken so long to say.

    Getting back to the point of this post... over the course of our relationship, my girlfriend has repeatedly asked me directly and indirectly if we would be together forever. What really gets under my skin is the way she asks me. During AIM chat sessions, over the phone, even in text messages. And honestly, think about this for a second, what am I supposed to say?

    Should I tell her the truth and just unload how I feel over a text message? No, we've been together for too long and I care for her too much to do that to her. When I end this relationship, when I break her heart, it will be with her standing in front of me. She deserves that much. But every time she asks me how I feel about her and our relationship over the phone or in a text message, I have to lie to her. And I shouldn't. I shouldn't be pressed into a situation where I have to deceive her into believing that we'll be together forever.

    It just makes me feel like that much more of an asshole, knowing that it will all be over soon.

    What's your take on this situation?

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Comments (25)

  • dolleyes5

    Well I stayed in a miserable relationship for 7 years just because I didn't want to "hurt" my boyfriend. The thing is, sometimes people manipulate you to feeling sorry for them just so that they can gain control over your actions. My ex often said things like what you described in your post, when I broke up with him he even stated that he felt like "killing himself". Truth be told he found a rebound 2 weeks later, spread nasty rumors about me, and just plain treated me like shit. Turns out he really wasn't as broken as he led himself on to be.

      Maybe this isn't the case with you, maybe your girl really is depressed and has super low self esteem. Unfortunately, like you said, you haven't been able to change her. Sounds like she's pathetic and bringing you down. Dump her. I personally have little sympathy for people who use suicide as a way to gain dominance over others. Tell her parents that you are worried for her, also tell her friends. They can keep an eye on her while you make your escape. After you dump her she's not your responsiblity anymore.
  • shinoseishi@xanga

    I once ended a long-distance relationship after 6 years, only to be told after everything that he had been waiting for me to end things because he was "worried about what I would do to myself if he broke up with me."  Hearing that he thought that lowly of me made me want to punch him in the face.  The way I saw it, he didn't want to seem like the bad person in the relationship (even though he cheated on me several times towards the end) and he was being passive aggressive.  I wasn't as insecure as he thought I was and would have respected him more if he had just had the nerve to say what he really felt instead of dragging it out.

    If you're not happy in a relationship, don't try to stay in it for her sake.  She needs to grow up, get stronger, and move on.  Also, you need to be direct.  Don't be cruel about it, but dancing around the subject isn't going to help.  The longer this goes on, the more you both are just going to end up resenting each other in the end.
  • ShamelessHope@xanga
    Promises of forever are bullshit. I'm sorry. When someone says that. I hope to God their married. And maybe they shouldn't promise it then.

    I don't think she's using her depression for dominance over you. But her illness shouldn't be a reason you hold on.
    Don't break up over the phone or texting. That's just.. Yeah don't. But the NEXT time you see her. You have to tell her how you feel. Even if she cries and begs. You can't be stuck in that kind of a relationship. You'll be miserable. Trust me.
    My ex was a horrible person to me, but I allowed it because of his past and his family life and all of it. I frequently forgave him and brushed his cheating off. Because I promised I'd never walk away from him. I'd never hurt him like everyone else. I've never broken that promise. And I've only made two in all my life. But I realized, I didn't have to be in a RELATIONSHIP with him. Friends is sufficient enough. And same goes for you. Love is a work in progress. it's never always happy, or always sad. There's dull moments and ones full of excitement. It all depends.

    Good luck(:
  • shatteredmoonbeams@xanga

    I have been in your girlfriend's situation. I was incredibly depressed and suicidal for a big part of my 21 month realtionship with my high school boyfriend. He helped me through a lot, but it was exhausting for him. It was so hard for him to leave me, especially because we were best friends before we dated. We also had so many classes together and so many mutual friends.

    Looking back Im glad he had the courage to finally leave me. He was unhappy, and I hated making him unhappy. I really did love him and it was hard to survive, but Im still here.

    Compromise is good in a relationship, but you cant continue to compromise your happiness for hers.
  • lforletty@xanga

    I've been in your gf's position 2x 'cause both my exes broke my heart. Yes I was naive enough to believe in those promises to be together forever too, but now I obviously know it's a load of crap. My exes knew that I would never do something to physically hurt myself on purpose so I didn't guilt-trip them or anything. If you break up with her, please don't be too harsh on her. Tell her the truth from start to finish, either way this whole thing is going to break her to pieces. I know it's difficult to tell her how you really felt about the relationship, but if you had the courage to before, maybe your relationship could've been saved, maybe that might've been the spark for her to boost her self-esteem, to make positive changes for herself and your relationship. Maybe she didn't realize at the time that actions of hers that irked you was destroying your relationship. Honesty and communication are key, if you wanted your relationship to work out, you should've confronted her no matter how hard it was. Reading the above comments, I don't think your gf is pathetic, needs to grow up nor that after you dump her that she's not your responsibility anymore. Like I think the least you can do is still care for her from a distance, just because you ended a relationship with someone doesn't give you the right to be a jerk to her, you guys still once had a great relationship, you loved her and she loved you. What my ex did after the break-up hurt me a lot, he was unfaithful, made up a bunch of bs about me to his friends (they told it back to me-_-), gave me dirty looks in public when we bumped into each other, blocked not only me but also my family, friends and mutual friends. Ridiculous. All those things he did after the break-up was to hurt me on purpose, I was in pain for a long time, I hope you don't do things like that to her, don't make it so hard on her.
  • x__RainOnHerParade@xanga

    You can't let yourself be unhappy just to save someone from hurting themselves. It's not your job to do that, and it's not your fault if she does. She is responsible for handling her emotions. Yeah, it's going to suck, but if you don't want to be with her anymore, you have to end it NOW. Stop hanging on. 
  • xxfl1@xanga

    DO NOT LIE TO HER--- IF it comes out OVER A TEXT THAN U KNOW WHAT.... she shouldn't of asked it over a text! thats no small question!
  • willjogforicecream@xanga

    You wouldn't feel pressured to make promises you can't keep (AKA lie) to her if you would just break it off. It's gonna hurt her even worse to know you lied about it. You should've broke it off when you stopped having feelings for her, plain and simple. And if she asked you to make forever promises when you did have feelings for her but you weren't sure about forever just yet, just tell her honestly that you aren't sure you're ready for that commitment yet, but you do really love her.

  • superGchik@xanga
    If your feelings have changed, you need to be honest with her and yourself and tell her. Anyone would be devastated if they were being told that the love that was there once is no longer there, trust me I was there once too but you realize later that you rather be with someone who loves you instead of someone who isn't there for you emotionally. The end is always difficult but you have to do it.
  • Footballblogs@xanga

    Been here. Never promised forever, but I did say I love you and mean't it. It will never be easy, so do right by her, be honest and straight up, but pick the right moment in the next few days. In the end, you have to say it as soon as possible, because otherwise everything will be a lie. I tortured myself for a week back and forth, and only when she left did I become certain, and even then hurting her tore me up. I have no right to complain though, and neither will you. Different reasons, same reasons, different times, same times. Love is hard, and the measure of how much you care for her will be in how you try to look after her afterwards. One piece of advice, make sure she is in a place where she can gather her friends around her, and back off completely for an initial period of time. My regret is the place we were in when it happened. Make sure you have nothing to regret.
  • Footballblogs@xanga

    @superGchik@xanga - You know what, I hope so. Circumstances can conspire to destroy even that though... He needs to be careful how, and when.
  • Hinase@xanga

    Don't stay in a relationship because of pity. Stay in it because you want to. It's going to hurt worse if you don't break it up and allow it to continue.


    I stopped having feelings for my ex and he did the same the time we were apart, and it took awhile for me to see that I didn't want to stay in that kind of relationship.
    Tell her in person and not a text. 
  • bread_withbutter@xanga

    guess all you can do is be honest with her. talk to her face to face. explain it to her...

    and after that be with her to go thru the rough period. or get her best friend to help.
  • writemyheartt@xanga

    You need to end it.
  • magicunicorns@xanga

    Lying to her isn't a good idea! It just hurts them more when you break up with them. I did that with my ex-fiance, and I felt so bad that I had lied about seeing a future with him when I didn't, but I didn't want to hurt him (and I didn't know the consequences at the time).
  • haltija@xanga

    1) you aren't going to help her self esteem by being in a relationship because you pity her.


    2) if you haven't really made much of a dent in how "damaged" she is through your relationship, you aren't the right one for her. if you care about her, leave her.


    3) she deserves a boyfriend who is head over heels for her and if she doesn't have that, she deserves the freedom to find one. you're not demonstrating caring by staying with her, you're selfish & cowardly because you don't want to deal with the initial discomfort of it all.


    4) she's going to make a mess when you dump her but she is a human being of her own, and her mess is hers to make and hers to clean - let her become her own woman. be kind and gentle and supportive but stay firm that you two are breaking up and that it is will be better that way for both of you.
  • scribbles

    you spoke to her best friend. Now you got to talk to her and end this. If she ever was to find out she's going to be hurt that you are talking to others about this issue and not HER. I know you don't want to hurt her but you are right talk to her in person and end it. She will cry and be upset but stick with your guns. Don't be unhappy at the cost of someone else's happiness, you will just resent the person. And well that's not fair to neither of you. After talking to your gf and ending it, explain to her you spoke to her best friend that way she doesn't find out otherwise.
  • LadyCelt357@xanga

    I was in a relationship for almost three years and one thing I learned from that was not to stay too long when it can no longer work out and when to break away before it drags out bigger fights and worse pain. The pain sadly is inevitable if there is a break up. I don't know if she'd hurt worse if you stayed longer. But, if she wants to be together for good and you are losing your feelings, then for both of you, it is probably time to end it. There is the ending it with heart (though it hurts) and the heartless ways, so I think what matters most is how it ends. 
  • loreocookie@xanga

    I think that if you care about her to be pondering all of this as much as you seem to be, especially with almost no concern about yourself, you're just confused. No one can selflessly care about someone this much without holding at least a bit of love towards them.
  • AftonJoanne@xanga

    Hey man.  I know this comment is way late in comparison to when you posted, but I wanna let you know that the choice to tell her in person is commendable.  I truly wish that my ex had had that decency.
  • AftonJoanne@xanga

    @loreocookie@xanga - but holding love towards someone is so different from being in love.  I love so very many guy friends in my life, but I'm not in love with any of them.
  • CallmeLady187@xanga

    You've already screwed yourself and been roped into being called a "liar" and such about the forever thing. But in the future "only time will tell" or "I hope so" should be the closest answers you give in those situations, because girls do ask that question a lot. :/  

    I started telling people "I don't promise anyone forever" - in my blunt and honest kind of way, and usually they are offended at first. But then I always say "I'm an honest person, in all aspects, and it's the same here. If something changes and we fall apart or lose contact, I don't want to have lied to you." and usually they find more value in that than they would an empty promise of forever. 

    I hope this goes well for you. 
  • Randomonymous@xanga

    Thank you for all of your comments and support. I ended this relationship a week before Datingish posted this, but thank you anyway. It wasn't easy and it won't really get much better for a long while, but I think we'll both be okay in the end.
  • sweetpoops@xanga

             Make sure you really no longer feel for the other person and arn't mistaking the not careing for taking them for granted, which unfortunitly most of the time you won't know that untill they are gone. try to work it out first is what I would say before you brake it off. maybe you just need to try a little more. detail and little things matter
  • sweetpoops@xanga

    well it seems i am late lol

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