Thursday, 28 July 2011

  • The Politics of an Open Relationship, Pt. 1


    My girlfriend and I recently agreed to open our relationship of nearly 5 years.  Our anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks.  So how's that working for us, you ask?

    First, a little back story...

    My girlfriend and I got together in the summer of 2006, in what I'd normally consider "unlikely" circumstances.  She found me, of all places, on MySpace (yes, seriously, that does happen).  She messaged me, and at first I thought it was one of those infamous, fake MySpace spam messages from a seemingly attractive real person that "is new here, and looking to meet some interesting men for fun times."  I played along and responded.  What ensued was a flurry of private messages that led to hours spent on the phone, late into the night.

    We agreed to meet in person, and did so one hot August afternoon.  I drove to her parents' house, where she was still living.  Oh, did I forget to mention she was 19 at the time, and I was 27 about to turn 28?  Don't even say it.  Normally I wouldn't associate intimately with someone that much younger than me, but it was just...instant for us.  So, back to that....

    The moment she walked out and got in my car, that was it for me.  I just knew, without even knowing.  We drove off, and have been a couple ever since.  I was Single. and. Loving. It.  Decidedly not looking for a mate.  But, alas, here I was.  

    The years since have brought more change to my life and our relationship than I'd ever imagined possible.  

    The first few years - not without their ups and downs, of course - were largely great.  We were in that 'nesting' phase where all we wanted to do was sit at home together, cooking and getting happy and fat, cuddled up watching movies together.  And so we did.  Over the past, I don't know, couple of years maybe, it seems like we've had more "ups and downs" than before.

    Let me be clear, before I go any further, that we both love each other in a fundamental way.  We get each other.  We know each other better than probably anyone else does.  We're here, in each other's lives, for the long haul. 

    The past year and a half, we've experienced major life changes that have changed the dynamic of our relationship on a basic level.  I don't want to divulge more than that just yet - perhaps soon - but suffice it to say, it's thrown us for a loop and forced us to reassess our priorities in relation to life, the future, and "us."

    We reached a precipice.  I truly feel we were at a place of "adapt or break up."  And neither of us was interested in breaking up.  We had skirted the idea of having a three-way before, but quickly giggled and dismissed it as awkwardly as...

    Sensing the bush we were actively beating our way around, I asked her what she wanted.  Pause.  Thoughtful stares off into the ether.  Finally, after a couple of long minutes, she blurted out decisively that she wanted an open relationship.  Much to my surprise, I nodded a couple of times, and acquiesced with an agreeable, "Okay."  And I meant it.  

    I never thought I'd be okay being in an open relationship.  

    --

    Watch for Pt. 2, and what happened next!

    Have you ever decided to open up a relationship in order to keep it going?

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Comments (16)

  • bmillerssailor@xanga

    I don't see how that could ever work. When you love someone, it hurts to think of them sharing their emotions or their BODY with someone other than you. It also makes it scary because they could find someone else and fall for them, leaving you behind. There will always be someone, in this type of relationship, that feels jealous.

    My husband and I have been together for a little over 4 years now and though things have changed, I love him more than I ever thought possible. And he loves me. We are 110% happy together and the time we've spent together has actually LESSENED the ups and down and we've been leveled out for some time now. We're known as "that couple", the ones you "can't fight in front of because they never fight". Which is not true - we do bicker, but it's over minor things and lasts 5 minutes at most then it's forgotten.

    When you find the right person, it's not HARD to stay together. The change that comes about isn't BAD. The time doesn't make you love them less but MORE.

    Good luck in your relationship but be careful.
  • mangotini@xanga

    Lately, my most recent relationships have ALL been open, and for a while I couldn't imagine ever going back to monogamy until this past month when I met someone who completely blew me away and has made me lose interest in the rest of the population.
  • vain_apathy@xanga

    i don't think i could ever do an open relationship. i would almost rather have both of us cheating without the other one knowing then to actually KNOW that they are fucking someone else. with someone i don't really care about, yeah, i've done open relationships. but we weren't actually together officially. but with my current bf who i talk marriage with, i couldn't ever do that.

    but maybe that's because of other insecurities of mine. idk. best of luck to you!
  • xhalesx@revelife

    I couldn't imagine ever being okay with having an open relationship. For me, it's only me or none of me at all.
  • StillNotaPrettyGirl@xanga

    Whoa. Seems just to be a prelude to a nasty breakup. 
  • ChuuCheee@xanga

    I personally wouldn't be able to handle an open relationship. It just feels like hooking up then, kinda like making out with a friend while they have the possibility to fall for someone else. It would feel like cheating for me. But hey, it's just me. 

    Kudos to you two for being able to do it though.
  • WaitingToShrug@xanga

    I don't get why or how that would work, but really can't make a judgement without knowing the "whys" of the whole situation.
    Nope, I would never have an open relationship, unless I wanted to keep my boyfriend hanging around without having to give him loyalty or restricting my behavior in any way.

  • The_Aftershock_3650@xanga

    I've never heard of opening a relationship from a committed relationship. This is a new concept for me.

    Open relationships, like FWB, are generally risky and often lead to people getting hurt. But that doesn't mean it has a 100% failrate for everyone. Hopefully this story ends well and with you two getting back together in the end.

    Honestly, this sounds more like a half-break than anything else though, lol
  • haltija@xanga

    i have many friends who are in wonderful open relationships and who make them work. but just judging off this post, this one isn't going to. from what little information you've given, i get a very strong feeling that this is just the gradual opening and dis-assembling of your relationship instead of all-at-once disbanding it by breaking up.


    she is young and has had you in a lot of her life & is realizing just that - she is young and you are most of what all of what she knows in regard to a mature relationship. she wants to explore and grow up and see what is out there, and possibly fuck it while she is at it... but she doesn't want to lose the comfort blanket that you provide, either.


    either way, curious to read part two (:

  • thisiswhereItellyoueverything@xanga

    I couldn't do it unless I wasn't in love with the person. I love my boyfriend too much and I couldn't share him with anyone else.
  • mysterygirl3000@xanga

       I'm not sure that really works but maybe it does in terms of creating situations that trigger new or lost feelings and such...that's just my thoughts, guess it could work w respect  and honesty. Also sex is just sex to me but i'm aware it's more complicated than that. Think about discretion, partners, rules..

    My story is oddly similar, same date, same ages, almost same way of meeting each other. We did the opposite, we were open at the beginning,when we started dating and would share our experiences, then we got exclusive about 6 months after when we both lost interest in others.

    Wish you two the best
  • HeLLo_Bianca@xanga
    I don't think I could do an open relationship. I look forward to hearing part two, though. I hope things work out for the best.
  • hopethatitglows@xanga

    Nope, definitely not for me.
  • imperfect_smash@xanga

    I could do it with someone I can give to shits about.
  • DrJolly@xanga

    I've tried many times to understand polyamory, but can't do it :/  Good luck though!
  • etjenesaispas@xanga

    Uhm, no. Monogamy ftw.

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