Wednesday, 27 July 2011
-
Getting Past the Unanswered Questions
Before a certain guy came along, I had never been in a relationship. Never kissed a guy. Never held hands with a guy. Never did anything with a guy.I wondered if I could trust him completely, but I forced myself to because 1) I think I just wanted to be in a relationship; and 2) because he hadn't done anything to make me distrust him.
So I plunged right in.The time we spent together was great--he was sweet to me and I was extremely happy. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend, I couldn't stop smiling. Those feelings of hesitation that I had felt before? Long gone and forgotten. I had a boyfriend.Then came the next day after things had become "official." In less than 24 hours, he told me we couldn't be together because of circumstances he couldn't prevent (he did actually say what they were, but my paranoia prevents me from listing them publicly). I was shocked and disappointed, but told him I understood and wasn't hurt because it couldn't be prevented. Friends we will be, we agreed.
Fast forward to a week. He was dating my friend.Uh. What?
Needless to say, I was shattered.
Fast forward to four months later, and here I still am, wondering about what happened: was he playing me the whole time? For how long was he trying to get rid of me so that he could date my friend? But then why did he ask me to be his girlfriend? Or was that just a ploy to get me to trust him?
"He seemed so sincere," a part of me whines.
I still have urges to just text him or call him and to demand from him explanations. I still come up with excuses for him to justify his actions. I still have fantasies of him contacting me.
But then--if he WAS playing me the whole time, I don't want to have those fantasies. I don't WANT to justify him. These unanswered questions leave me feeling conflicted about how to feel towards a guy who on the outside seems to have done something so blatantly wrong. But how do I know there isn't another side to the story?
Now, I KNOW that we all go into relationships risking something--our feelings. I also know that we should take each failed relationship as a learning experience. I also know that sometimes we just don't get answers. We just can't.
For all you reading this: how do you get past unanswered questions? How do you get past that hump where you're constantly wondering what went wrong in a relationship, or why someone ended things with you? How do you stop trying to figure out what the truths were in a relationship, and what were the lies?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: MadisonReaLee@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 15498 Comments: 0 166 View all posts by MadisonReaLee@xanga
Comments (20)
ugh sometimes i feel like saying a flat out "i hate boys." for this type of thing. lol i know that's not really fair and its not even really true, but, this story sounds a lot like my first bf. although, we had been dating for 2 months, and one of the months was long distance because he was learning to become a flight attendant! he called me from across the country every night for 5 weeks, then came home, had a lovely weekend together, and then he dumped me. his explanation didn't really make much sense then either. but i think i eventually found peace in the explanation, "he's just not that into you." and, eventually someday you'll find someone who is and realize this has become a faint, trivial memory. :)
you just let go and move forward. by continuing these unhealthy thoughts, you block out new opportunities.
Some broken relationships never afford you the luxury of closure, so you have to be strong and know that you are lovable and worthy. Don't ask about "What's wrong with me?", think "There's something wrong with him." and leave it at that. Short relationships that are ended like that don't have as much to do with you as they do with the asshole that didn't give a damn about your feelings.
Sometimes, you gotta come up with your own answers.
Closure is a terrible thing to desire. But sometimes, you just aren't gonna get it, no matter how much you feel you deserve it (and you do). I had my heart broken at 15 (no Taylor Swift jokes plz) and for two years, I questioned every aspect of what happened, tried to figure out the whys, what was a lie and what was the truth, and on and on and on. Eventually, I moved on with my life. You'll want to give it time, and do your best to stay afloat emotionally. Connect with friends. Look at life's beauty. Realize that not every man who comes into your life will be someone who will hurt you - in the same breath, I'll say that you will hopefully be more guarded now, but don't make yourself inaccessible. You are worth more than he must have made you feel. He's broken for being a player - don't let him break you too. You're better than that.
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."
— Tupac Shakur
@ohforrealson@xanga - I like that quote.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - :) me too. One of my favorites. I think it's easier for older people to understand... I mean older in the sense that you've gotten more life experience under your belt, not necessarily age. It's hard to not get consumed when you're young. I'm not speaking for the OP in particular since I've no idea how old she is, but that's how I felt when I was going through crap! Gets easier to deal!
@ohforrealson@xanga - Thank you much for the quote and your kind words. Same to everyone else who has posted. :) I've collected quite a few quotes while I've been trying to get over this fiasco. "Don't let yesterday take up too much of today" is one of my favorites. I am 22, but quite young mentally when it comes to this relationship stuff because, as I mentioned in my post, this was my first time being involved in any way with a guy. He was my first everything, so I struggled (and am still struggling, obviously) to find a way past this.
when I was a naive teen, I fell for a guy and he was the first guy that I've ever felt so excited to talk to. I thought that he liked me a lot, too, judging from his eagerness to talk to me. one time I was a tad late when I said that I'd talk to him after school and he said that he was bummed out and missed me. we talked for hours and I'd lose sleep for school just to stay up to talk to him. I found out later that he was two timing me and also actively seeking another girl. I had no idea. he just had great time management I guess, so I never suspected anything out of the ordinary. I chose to separate from him though. I couldn't be with someone like that. sociopaths are difficult to profile or even find the red flags since they are good at manipulating, lying, etc. I was saying that I know what it feels like to fall for someone deeply and then they disappoint you. I broke up with other guys after that and sometimes I was left wondering some questions but when I got a few of the answers directly from the guy, it didn't really make things better, because it reaffirmed more disappointment. I'm not sure if I'd rather remain in ignorant bliss yet anxious or to clarify some questions that have been plaguing my mind only to have that crush me even more when I hear the answers, because I can't believe that I actually fell for someone like that.
honestly just keep living- meet someone new. you really will forget about the questions.
that might bug me too at the end i have so much i wonder. but than when someone else comes along we have a new romantic interest to focus on:3 thats how it works for me at least.
As much as you seek closure and answers for those question, you got to realize he's probably going to give you a lame response.
I really don't know what his reason was but the was a jerk and for guys like him they tend to find this all a game and a challenge.
To you, I'd say good riddance because if he was capable of doing something so insensitive like that what is stopping him in regards to other stuff? You will get over him. He was your first "guy" and he was also the first to distrust. ATLEAST, you got a taste of this for the future and atleast he did not pull this stunt after several months-yrs of dating (to the point you were extremly attached)
not having closure sucks... at least this happened sooner rather than later.... you're luck in that regard...
@MadisonReaLee@xanga - You're very welcome. It's so tough the first time, because it's all so new, you don't know what to expect and it feels so intense... well, you know. I am sorry that you didn't have a wonderful experience, though. It's something you'll work through & past, however, with some time.
I know they say time heals, and it's so cliche and you hear it so much it starts losing meaning, but I feel it's true. It hurts so much in the beginning but it fades eventually. I can now look back on my first love (what a whirlwind) with kind of... affection. Introspection. Realization. All of those good 'tions :p
the first guy I've ever dated did the same thing to me. I asked myself why and what did I do for the next 6 months and finally just let it go and lived my own life. you don't need answers to move on. you just need to know you deserve and are worth so much more than that.
Sometimes you won't get the complete closure you want and there will always be questions you want answered but instead of dwelling on them, you gotta move on.
i come up with the worst answer possible which makes me absolutely hate the guy, then i get over him.
Everyone deals with this differently. Some need answers. Stomp, stomp, stomp. "Who the hell do you think you are?!" Some can manage by thinking it over so many times, it's just repulsive and can be set free. "Wow, what a douche. Ok, life is better." At the end of the day, I would probably go for the answers, because I hate not knowing. I also know that I will probably look back, embarrassed, and tell myself, "Oh. You dumbass." So, if you have thick skin and can take the future shame, yet slight contentment, from the detective work, go for it.
atleast he didn't date you and sleep with your bestfriend at the same time... terrible experience.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - oh god. its scary how similar your story is to mine. i hate that happened to you.
attempting to remain friends with the guy (why? i have no idea...) led to me getting conflicting explanations for what happened. which makes me conclude that the guy was desperately & idiotically confused about what he wants.
the hard part is waiting for something good enough to make me forget the whole thing... to forget the seemingly "perfect guy". But to quote Elizabeth Aston:
"One's first love is always perfect, until one meet's one's second love."
I hope thats true for me...
@disorderlychina@xanga - baha! exactly the same! i tried to stay friends with him too (dumbest idea of all time.) but i later found out he kind of was the same guy for a lot of girls, he'd date them casually for several months, and then they'd break up before it got serious, and then keep them as "friends." (know this from facebook stalking, lol.) he came off as a really genuine dork and a good guy, so he was always extremely likable off the bat, but i think just absolutely terrible at dating. but now i'm dating my great boyfriend of three years, who was one of my best friends in high school. so yeah, it really became SO much better for me, but we didn't start dating until a somewhat miserable year and a half later or something.