Monday, 25 July 2011
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Burning Away Memories in the Ex-Boyfriend Bonfire
I love fire. I've read too much poetry about phoenixes making a new start for themselves after rising from a fire, and came to believe the same thing could happen for me if I wanted to get rid of those painful memories of messy relationships and bad boyfriends.Of course, instead of throwing myself into the fire, I'd make an ex-boyfriend bonfire and try to burn everything I could from a relationship, mostly cards, letters, and photographs.
It felt good--no, amazing--to see all the photographs and letters turn to ash in the center of a fire. I loved watching the ink light up before the paper curled, blackened, and disintegrated. I hoped it was the first step to helping me move on and forget about the crappy associations I made while dating those guys, especially my first boyfriend.
Time heals all, and though it took me a long time to get over him, I kind of wish now that I didn't burn everything he ever wrote to me--we used to write poems to each other as well--because some of it was really sweet and just really good writing. It would be cute to one day be able to show my kids our "love notes" and first awkward-looking pictures together.
I realize you can't erase memories, so why delete pictures or tear up old cards and notes?
Granted, I haven't had a break-up in years now, but in the future I definitely wouldn't try to "erase" the past that way. I see that kind of pain as a good thing--it reminds me that I did invest a part of myself into a relationship selflessly. A little pain never hurt a writer's inspiration either!How do you cleanse yourself from the memories of a relationship past? Ever have an ex-love bonfire?
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About the Author
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- From: dangelb
- About Me: My name means "daybreak" and I'm usually awake to watch the sunrise every morning. I'm a college student, obsessive tea drinker, and contemporary dancer. My first love was the piano before I learned how to love people. I love my R.O.B.--Really Outstanding Boyfriend--who gets just as excited as I do over antique books, soft-baked cookies, and Sporcle.
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Comments (21)
I did the same thing when I was around 17 & me and my first love of 3 years had broken up. I just burnt everything, kept the ring though. Ended up loosing it or well he threw it so it got lost. But yeh it helped a little.
The fire never really helped me. I couldn't do it. And I didn't like the idea of burning things that might someday represent some lovely memories. But at the same time, grief does funny things to us. right now, I could burn it and think nothing of it.
i seek refuge in a really big tub of ice cream
I would never ever burn things that remind me of people in my past. No matter how seemingly bad the memories were, every person helped me learned something about myself or the world.
There's really no such thing as a bad memory of a person in the end.
This reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Erasing the bad gets rid of the good too.
But there's a difference between burning artifacts and memories.
i had an ex who had a joyous bonfire with friends (what i thought were mutual friends btw, hah!). he burned a lot of things i gave him, including the best painting i ever did that i gave him. they had pictures of this fire, one thats around to this day because it looked so "cool". -_- when he and i inevitably got back together and i asked about its whereabouts... he got red and stumbled in his explanation. mmmmhmmmmmm! im still bitter about it, can ya tell? lol. why couldnt he of just given the painting back. sigh. was a masterpiece!
@ShirleyD@xanga - That's something I felt guilty about--burning poems. As an artist myself, I didn't realize how much of yourself you put into your work (at least not at that time), and I know that would have sucked SO bad if I ever found out one of my exes did that to stuff I made for them. Live and learn! Maybe you should ask him to paint you a masterpiece ;) did you take any pictures of it at all?
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nah, i don't think i ever would, i'm kind of a pack rat, and overly sentimental. i have this lame bear-holding-a-heart that my first bf gave me as a birthday present.... i thought it was corny as heck but forgave him at the time because we had JUST started dating. any boy who knows me for more than like 5 minutes would know that's really not a great gift for me, not to mention, really impersonal in general....... haha, but i kept it anyways, it reminds me of naive innocent liking. i just put it away out of sight after we broke up. my bf now was actually my prom date in HS, even though we didn't date for another 5 years, i've kept the corsage he'd given me and i have a bunch of pictures from back then. idk i just keep everything! its fun to look back and think of the stories sometimes.
Nah I probably wouldn't be able to do that, I'm too much of a packrat lol. I even kept this "love letter" from a guy I knew who turned out to be a total douche, and now I look at it on occasion and can't help but laugh (mainly because the letter was REALLY cheesy haha).
@dangelb - Lol I don't talk to him anymore. He turned into a prick. And no, no pics.
Tears!!!!!!
I don't. I only get rid of emails and pms sent to me by my exes. Nothing else really.
Debating whether or not to throw away all my ex's stuff. When we were dating, we each got a large box with each other's nicknames on it. Then we filled it with our things such as gifts we gave each other. After breaking up, the box was already full. I crammed as much as I could in there from posters and pictures I had everywhere and had to ruin a lot of stuff. I got a big bag and packed everything away and it is now sitting in the very corner of my closet covered in a million things and hopefully never to be looked at for many many many years. Taped the box shut to never be opened again too.
I havent ever had an "ex-love bonfire" before, however, my best friend did. Her ex treated her pretty crappy, and he'd left 2 hoodies and some pictures and letters and what not at her house, so she had a fire. It kinda made me mad though, cause i really wanted those hoodies. they were amazing. :(
i can relate to this, i burned all there was from my first relationship, and every now and then i think it was a mistake because we used to write each other letters, daily. they were sweet. and now i think about it and it bugs me that i might still be in love with who he was, but i hate who he has become, and the fact that the relationship ended badly, i try to erase it all, but i can't forget, the physical proof of what once was is gone but my memories are still here, haunting me. i destroyed everything i could, anything that reminded me of him...and sometimes i think i've moved on,,,,but something brings it all back.
My first reaction is always to burn everything. Fortunately, I only did that with my very first boyfriend. After him I learned to wait. Let my heart mend a little. Put it all in a box in the back of my closet and if I still wanted to burn it later? It was still burnable!
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - My dad makes fun of my mom and my sister all the time because they are packrats. I used to be really into keeping everything, but sometimes for the sake of room stuff has to go. I have compressed all my ex-boyfriend stuff into a nice neat box in the back of my closet though. Ahhh I have every corsage for every occasion ever except for ONE because it kept attracting ants in my house :X Sooo cute that you have those "then and now" photos too!!!
@cube_of_rubik@xanga - Cheesy letters are so win when you need a good laugh sometimes haha.
@stanlee255@xanga - Damn, that sounds like a ton of stuff. Did you decide to keep it as of now? If you did, maybe you'll just eventually forget it's even there. Granted, finding it again could be kind of painful, but I guess you can't really eliminate memories like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
@ChelseyBabe23@xanga - When you said you wanted those hoodies, I just got totally reminded me of this awkward moment I had with my boyfriend... his ex-girlfriend and I used to be really good friends while they were dating, and I knew he had given her his deceased grandmother's bracelet. I was kind of jealous because I thought that was such a touching gift and she definitely saw me eying that beautiful gold band. When they broke up, she took off the bracelet, gave it to me, and told me to give it back to my boyfriend, or that I could keep it for myself. I really thought about it, and kept it in my pocket the whole day, but it might me feel so uneasy that I just gave it back to him. Needless to say, it was tainted and now no one can have it.
@jessykitty - I absolutely understand where you're coming from because my first boyfriend and I wrote notes to each other all the time. Like three times daily or something, and they were really long and honest. I burned all of that in my Ex-Boyfriend Bonfire, but I swear, for a year (or more?) I felt I remembered all his notes. It did eventually pass though and things stopped reminding me of him. The pain DOES go away, hang in there!!! And eventually you will be able to say that you can move on for good.
@onestepcloserto_perfection@xanga - That's pretty much what happened with me! I guess sometimes it takes that one mistake (I wouldn't really call it a mistake though... it's just something really bittersweet) to make a smarter decision for healing later on!
yes, indeed the pain does go away,mine did..i think..but does the hate ever?? lol. i guess when someone new came into my life, they healed my wounds. things work out :D
@jessykitty - I definitely think the hate can go away too. My first boyfriend was abusive and I thought I would hate him forever... but I actually, honestly don't. It's weird because now I see him walking around my university and I'm actually fine. I guess I really wanted to be the better person and show him I was so much stronger than he thought I was. Gave me some comfort to forgive and let go :) And yes! Things do always work out!
i'm glad you're not with someone abusive, you do deserve better and i'm glad you're strong enough to let it go and be as positive as you are.
Oh yeah, I'm guilty of this. I burned all the sweet letters, and pictures of my ex and I together. He drew a picture of me, but I didn't have the heart to burn that. It took him so long to do it, I just couldn't bring myself to destroy it. It kinda helped in a way, cause I wasn't getting them out of a box, and reading them anymore, making it harder on myself. But it sucked too, cause he put so much time, and effort into the letters, and the pictures were rare, cause he was in the military. It was the hardest thing I had done, cause I really didn't wanna destroy all of our memories, but lucky for me, I had my best friend, some cigarettes, and a bottle of Captain Morgan to help me through the burning process. If my friend hadn't been there, I might not have done it....