Monday, 25 July 2011

• How I Ended Up with a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend

  
  Over two years ago, I got my first kiss from my first boyfriend. I'm still with him now and our relationship's been basically stable, but I've made out with two people since then and even slept with one of them. As I had permission from my boyfriend for every incident, this is all well and good, right? I had the stability of a wonderful significant other who allowed me to do as I wished with girls even when he wasn't around.

  Well, then things got complicated.

  I was in the ceramics studio, spinning bowls and listening to Muse's latest album when it hit me, hard. During "I Belong To You" I came to the inescapable understanding that my attraction to my friend wasn't just sexual and platonic, but romantic as well. And I cried. I cried out of power of the emotion. I cried out of guilt and confusion and fear. It was too strong, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to hide it. I knew I'd have to tell my boyfriend, if only because I felt terrible, and I was afraid it would hurt him. The CD ended, and I scrapped everything. It took me a few days to admit it to anyone.

  When I got the guts to tell him, his response was essentially, "So?" Then he proceeded to explain it was okay, as long as I still loved him and wasn't going to leave him for her. I assured him I wouldn't, but still felt unease. The thing was, I wanted to date her.

  I have had strong feelings for two girls in my life. I didn't pursue the first because I started dating my boyfriend around that time. This was two years later, and there was another one. It was complete schoolgirl crush juxtaposed with college-student love that could only come with several years of dating, and I was confused.

  I loved my boyfriend immensely, and he'd been extremely supportive of and caring toward me, but I found myself questioning things. Would I sincerely be okay never dating a girl when my attraction to the genders was so distinctly different? If I never dated a girl, how many more girls would I fall this hard for? And, perhaps most poignantly: Would I have to deal with this every time I had a new crush?

  I could have sucked it up. Really, I could have, and if my boyfriend had requested it, I would have without hesitation. I was happy enough in monogamy, he treated me wonderfully, and there was absolutely no way I was going to leave him. I just couldn't shake the desire to date her.

  And somehow I got the crazy idea that I could.

  I don't remember how it started. Maybe it was as a joke, maybe I threw it out there because I knew she was polyamorous. Maybe someone else mentioned it. All I know was that in less than a week, most of our mutual friends were trying to convince us to date. Including my boyfriend and, if I'm not mistaken, also including hers.

  Then there was an interlude of interesting social interactions in which we subtly and awkwardly flirted with each other while avoiding the actual subject, causing our friends (and to a lesser extent, ourselves) great distress. Ahem.

  Eventually, our friends had enough. Two of them cornered us and sat us down.
  One of them facilitated a "discussion" by asking us questions like, "Do you want to date so and so?"
  "Can you handle long distance?"
  "Do you think you can take on a second relationship without compromising your first?"
  
  Then, they proceeded to pronounce us girlfriends, by the power vested in my roommate due to her grandfather being a Protestant minister. Or something. I forget the details.

  

  I performed a dance with my girlfriend the night after that in a school show, then watched her pack all night until she left for Pittsburgh for the summer. I haven't seen her since. I miss her.

  Have you ever had a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time? Did your first SO encourage you to date your other one?

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