Monday, 25 July 2011
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Falling Out of Love
This post was submitted by an anonymous user.
I'm currently in a long-distance relationship and we've been dating for a year now. We started off the relationship apart from each other because we attend different colleges, but we usually would see each other about once a month.
Despite this, however, our relationship seemed unbreakable: my friends had always commented on how perfectly we suited each other. We were always happy together, and we kept in close contact via texting and phone calling everyday, even if it was just for 5 minutes. Throughout the entire year we've been together, we've never had a fight because there's really nothing to fight about. We trusted each other, and we were always very understanding.
Two months ago, however, we began to talk less frequently because he was busy with school. While I am okay with this, what happened next bothered me. Even after we both returned home for the summer (where we now live 15 minutes apart), we still only see each other every 1-2 weeks, and we don't talk on the phone at all.
In addition, he treats me differently than he had before. He used to call me pet names and tell me he loves/misses me or that I look cute in my Facebook picture. Now, he is no longer affectionate to me; he treats me as a regular friend, and our text conversations have very little substance. All of this didn't happen before. When we were home for winter and spring break, we saw each other at least 2-3 times a week.
I recently had a talk with him about it, and he told me that he no longer loves me, but he still cares about me and has some feelings for me. He also credited his behavior to falling out of the honeymoon stage. While I do understand that a couple is not supposed to be as obsessed about each other as they were before after the honeymoon stage is over, I feel like the way he is behaving is more than just that.
He always rejects me when I ask to hang out, so now I'm afraid to initiate anything anymore because the rejection makes me feel discouraged. I have talked to a few friends regarding this issue, and they tell me that overcoming the honeymoon stage isn't supposed to make a couple fall out of love; rather, a new, deeper kind of love emerges. Also, while a couple normally does talk less often after the honeymoon stage, the way they treat each other (pet names, etc.) isn't supposed to change.
What should I do? Does it sound like my boyfriend isn't interested anymore? Is this normal for a long-distance relationship, or even in relationships in general? Is a couple supposed to fall out of love after the honeymoon stage is over? Also, why do people fall out of love?
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Comments (30)
eeesh :( it kinda sounds ... over, to be honest
I think distance can do a lot of damage in a relationship. Maybe he found that being apart was something he liked more than he thought. Or maybe its hard for him to handle being away from you and he is just trying to figure out still what he wants. I really do think most long distance relationships will fail, its just not the same as holding a normal relationship. Maybe when you guys don't have to deal with the distance as much it will be easier. Regardless, I think you should let him come to you when he is ready. If he wants to work through it, he will.
yeah it sounds like he wants it to be over.. im sorry!
Unfortunately, it looks like the guy just isn't interested anymore. He may say things to keep you around but it's only because he doesn't want to go through the process that comes with breaking up.
You gotta cut him loose; do it for you.
From what you've conveyed in this post, it sounds as if he is ready for the relationship to be over. When someone admits to no longer loving you, that's a pretty big hint.
That being said, people are all very very different and react very differently to situations/stressors/etc.. You've only been dating this guy for a year and that is simply NOT enough time to really get to know someone, especially if part of the relationship was long distance. If I were you, I'd flat out ask him: Are you ready for our relationship to be over? And really listen to what he says.
Sorry to hear that :(
I've been in a long-distance relationship for almost 4 years and while it is true that there is a lot more "lovey-dovey" stuff that happens during this phase, once the phase is over, love doesn't just disappear. It just means he might not have to impress you anymore since he already has you.
In fact, we still interact pretty much all day (whether it's watching a movie on Netflix or playing games on Xbox) and the pet names haven't disappeared. Whenever he visits, we always find something to do and we're always hanging out. It sounds like he doesn't know how to let you down easily because he doesn't want to hurt you but I think you need to do what's right for YOU, even if you'll hurt for a while.
I'm not sure why people fall out of love. I think it might be a combination of boredom, not communicating enough, fighting all of the time, never doing activities together, etc. Everyone's situation is different, only you can try to figure it out by analyzing your relationship.
I hope you figure it out soon and good luck.
I agree with what your friends said. But, unfortunately, it doesn't sound that way for your boyfriend. Since he believes that the honeymoon stage is over; so therefore, he doesn't love you anymore, I question his commitment for a long term relationship, longer than a year. I personally wouldn't stand for his answer. People don't just FALL out of love for no reason. There's something else brewing inside him.
It sounds like he's interested in someone else now... :/ Love is supposed to grow, each stage is different and better than the next. You'll reach tough spots, but your love pulls you through them. If he is treating you like this, he doesn't love you. I'm sorry, but I think it's time to move on and find someone who seems interested in you. You deserve that
Simply because he said he no longer loves you, I think it's over. The other things he's doing just add to that fact.
I think in non-long-distance relationships, its normal to grow out of the "honeymoon stage," but that doesn't mean you fall out of love. The love is still there, but you just aren't all giddy and "in love." if that makes sense. If there isn't love anymore, then the relationship is over, in my opinion.
I'm actually going through this in my relationship right now. I worry that its over, but I think we're just growing out of the "honeymoon stage." At least I hope we are...
If he literally told you "I don't love you anymore" I think you know its over. Time to be honest with yourself.
Ouch to you! That really does suck. I have to admit that being in a long distance relationship doesn't help at all (had 2, and both failed), because it just doesn't give you two enough time to see each other and be couply... Yes, the seeing each other once a month thing gives you excitement and etc in the honeymoon period, but from experience... it won't work out eventually (as much as it pains me to say it).
If you thought that seeing him more often might change things, but I have to agree with other users here, that it's time for you to be honest and look for the nicest solution (it sounds crazy that there might be one).
Time to move on.
This reminds me of when my boyfriend Adam broke up with me. He told me he loved me in the beginning, and then he said he didn't anymore when it ended. He apparently wasn't mature enough to understand that love isn't something that goes away. Love can alter and change, but you don't stop loving someone. If you do, it wasn't really ever love to begin with. It's infatuation, lust, general affection... but not sincere and honest love. I'm sorry for what you're going through, and if your relationship does end, I promise you it is not the end of the world. It will feel like the end of the world, but it wont be.
Yeah, it reminds me of my own experience with my ex. It was fine in the beginning but it soon became something shallow and when he told me that he didn't love me anymore..I realized I didn't either and so we broke up mutually.
We were also dealing with a long distance relationship.
But I know admitting this is hard, but it will be good for you. Just cut him loose.
how old is he? he seems too immature to understand or maintain a relationship or he just lost interest. from my experiences, guys my age or slightly younger don't really care and move from gf to gf or they aren't ready for long term commitment whereas the some of the older guys that I've known were ready to be serious and settle down, which is probably why the love of my life was an older guy, because my relationship with him was unlike the others; he truly understood me. I just can't really stand guys my age or slightly younger or haven't met one that "gets" me. and the silly habits and hobbies that some participate in are just obnoxious. I'm only in my 20s. but yeah, each scenario and person is different.
Why do people fall out of love? I don't know if they do. And if they do then I don't honestly understand why. It's a great question though.
I've loved people in the past but only ever truly been in love with one person, and I am probably still in love with that person.
I was in a long distance relationship, but we lived in the same country for the first year of the relationship, and then in the second we were long distance. The passion didn't die though, even when the honeymoon period was over. If anything it grew, became stronger and deeper. It's not supposed to fade.
I'm sorry to say this to you as it's awful, but I think that you should let him go. For both of your sakes. You deserve to be with someone who loves you.
I agree with the previous posters. If he said that he has fallen out of love with you, then it would be best to end the relationship. Yes, it will hurt, but this way you'll have the opportunity to meet a guy who will fall in love with you for life, not just for a few months. Anyway, best of luck.
Well in my personal opinion i dont believe in "falling out of love" i feel that once you're in love you dont just "fall out" i believe you may not want to be with that person anymore. You may feel like you love them a little less, or you may not even like them very much anymore. But i dont think you ever stop loving someone you once loved, if the love was true. I am with my boyfriend i have been with for just over a year now, and i love him with every piece of me that i own. and i am in fact IN love with him. But however should he sit me down today and ask me if i still love my ex i would, without hesitation, tell him yes. My ex was the first person i was ever in love with and a piece of me will always belong to him until the day i die. So if he has "fallen out of love" with you, or so he puts it, then he probably wasnt really "in love" with you to begin with.
He sounds kind of immature. And it also sounds like it's over. Time to move on. I would recommend not being in a long distance relationship...I'm in a long distance relationship but my boyfriend and I have an apartment together (he's on deployment with the navy) and we're planning on getting married so it definitely brings it up a notch from your regular long-distance relationship.
That sounds really lame. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance and we've been together for over two years. While, you do fall out of the honeymoon stage it doesn't make talking any less enjoyable. We had kind of the same issue as you guys though. He stopped calling me pet names, he stopped texting/calling me, and he was too busy for me. When we can see each other though we spend every hour together. I don't think long distance relationships really work out that well. I think they do concerning military relationships and I think they do if you have lived close to each other and have been able to experience being near each other. My boyfriend and I lived in the same apartment building for a year before he moved and he's only been gone for just about a year now. I don't think I could date him if we hadn't ever lived near each other though. You don't want to be with someone who says they've fallen out of love with you. Being busy is one thing, but avoiding someone and making up excuses is completely different.
"Why do people fall out of love?"
Because love is a temporary lapse in judgement. Kind of like a mental disorder.
I'm really, really sorry, but I think it's over... :(
@Escargotpudding@xanga - lmao. too good :')
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