Sunday, 24 July 2011
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The Weed or Me?
Am I unfair for asking my boyfriend to stop smoking weed?
We're engaged now... and expecting our first child in February. We both have jobs and are currently college students. Since we've met, he hasn't smoked pot. He claimed he wanted to cut pot out in order to accomplish a healthy relationship with me that wouldn't involve daily arguments about his smoking habits.
He even admitted, early in the relationship that he didn't like smoking weed because he ignored those he loved (his two year old niece, who he generally would play with like an obsessed teenage boy plays with him Xbox 360, would get the cold shoulder from him when he was "under the influence"). He even hung out with the wrong people because they always had weed to offer him and ended up in trouble with the law... Me, and his mother, were both extremely proud of him for quitting. And, to us, he seemed proud of himself for his accomplishment.
However, we've only known we're expecting a child for a little more than a month now, and since then he's started smoking weed again. He recently had his last visit with his probation officer, who gave him drug tests for a DUI charge he got almost a year ago, which led him back to his "old ways."
The first night he did it, I found comfort in a guy friend, who really made me feel better about the situation, but when my boyfriend found those messages between us earlier today, he was LIVID. We spent all day fighting then making up. He told me at one point during an argument that he was going to leave to go hang out with one of his "pothead friends."
I then asked him, "Are you going to smoke?" and he replied, "No." As the situation defused itself a bit and we calmed ourselves down, things began to become normal again.
Then, we were sitting together and his phone rang, "It's him..."
I heard him say, "I'll ask her if she'll give me a ride up there" and I screamed "NO!"
He then said, "Well, I'll walk, you guys wait for me..."
He looked at me and told him to pack his bag. He asked if he could just keep his stuff there and I replied, "No, take it with you, you won't be back in my house for a while."
He smiled, went and packed his things, and left. At this point, my engagement ring is lying over in the bushes somewhere (I have one hell of an arm) and he's nowhere to be found while his pregnant (I'm not even sure what I want to be at this point) sits at home alone. I've done everything for this guy... and he's gone back to his old childish ways.
So, fellow Xanga bloggers, I need your help. Do I continue to sit at home, while my boyfriend ditches me every chance he gets to smoke pot? Should I continue to attempt to nip this in the bud before my child arrives? Or is it time for me to just tell him goodbye?
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About the Author
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- From: meaganbme93@xanga
- About Me: I'm the eighteen year old daughter of four amazing parents (a mom, a stepdad, a dad, and a stepmom) and the oldest sister to six (yes, six) amazing siblings. I'm taken by the most amazing guy I've ever met. I know that sounds "overused" but it's definitely true. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. There's a good chance he'll be the man I spend the rest of my life with. I'm one of those girls who goes out of her way in school and works really hard at everything which is why I've earned enough college credits to enter into college as a sophomore at Virginia Commonwealth University in Fall 2011. I'm majoring in Chemistry in order to become a pharmacist.
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Comments (89)
holy shit. you're 18 and pregnant?
i'm sure you feel bad enough about this already, but this situation is more fucked up than anything else i have ever seen in my life. i don't even know where to begin to give you advice :(
I think that giving an ultimatum is never a good idea, however you're in a different position. My boyfriend smokes pot occasionally and even though I wish he wouldn't, I'm not going to make him quit; I'm not his mom. But you're having this man's child. If I were you, I would ask him to quit not just for me but for my unborn baby. I would want to know that my kid's father is reliable, and if something were to happen that I could count on him and know that he isn't out somewhere getting high. What if you were going into labor and he was who knows where and high as a kite? that's not good either.
it's time to tell him goodbye.
He won;t change for better.Express to him seriously how you feel. Try to nip it in the bud but make it clear that he has one chance to fix things or he'll be out for good.
If it's not something you're comfortable with, and he doesn't see the need to change, that says enough. You already know what you're going to do, you just want us to tell you that you're right in your decision. No one can do that. All you can do is what is right for you. If you aren't happy, it's better to find something or someone that does.
He should be concerned with quitting smoking weed for you and his future child. You and his child should be the most important things in his life, his number one priorities. Doesn't look like he's taking you OR your child in to consideration. If smoking weed from time to time is his ONLY flaw then I'd say you need to give him another chance. Compared to drinking, smoking weed is nothing. Even compared to smoking cigarettes is worse for him than weed. It's the legality issue that makes it a big deal and THAT is where your problem lies. Stand your ground. He doesn't need to be doing something that could have him arrested, especially considering he's on probation right now. What really disturbs me about the story you just told is that he smiled when you told him to pack his stuff. Him smiling lets you know he doesn't take you seriously. THAT is a huge deal. The other very disturbing thing is that he started smoking weed again when he found out you were pregnant. That speaks loads about how he handles stressful situations.
If he apologizes for his childish and selfish behavior and promises to make some changes, I would give him another chance for the sake of your child. Quitting smoking weed is not hard to do when you are motivated to do so. This is coming from someone who was a habitual smoker for many years. It's not at all like trying to quit smoking cigarettes so don't let him fool you in to believing he's "hopelessly addicted".
I hope things work out for you in the end. You sound like a smart girl so just remember that no matter what the outcome, you will be just fine as long as you keep your head on straight and stay focused.
It sounds like the weed isn't the problem, but he himself is. If he quit for over a year just to start back up again when you're pregnant, and then chose weed over you, don't think that him quitting again will be a permanent fix. The way you describe him, he sounds like a general addict, and if it wasn't weed it'd be alcohol or cough syrup or prescriptions or any of a hundred things that let him escape for a bit.
tell him good bye!
Since he quit and is back smoking again, I wonder if he is stressed out about having a baby and the future or if simply his addiction won out. Maybe it would make you both feel better if you two could figure out some perimeters for him to smoke...like only smoking a little at night (so that he is still functional) when the baby is in bed and outside where the smell won't be in the house. Kind of like having a beer or two at night.
I have known a few very successful businessmen who smoked all their lives and have a good family life so his smoking doesn't necessarily mean that everything is going to fall apart. But then again, your children could follow in his foot steps or it could really stress them out when they are old enough to understand. He needs to be reminded that he is not the only person who is affected by his smoking.
If he can't keep his life together when he's smoking, then yes, he definitely needs to quit or you're better off without him. If not and he is a respectable guy in every other way, works hard and loves you, then it might be worth it to stay with him. You should have a good, calm talk with him about his addiction and how it makes you feel - if you can, I know being pregnant makes it hard to stay calm sometimes.
He sounds like an addict, which is very hard to live with. If you stay with him, chances are that there will be a struggle with this for the rest of your married life. Be prepared to be lied to.
And no, it's not unfair to ask that of him at all.
Mary Jane is not bad, but if he don't leave smoking front you and your baby he is absolutly wrong
Thanks for the advice thus far. You all have done an amazing job at giving me some things to think about as far as what I should do at this point in my relationship.
I ultimately decided to leave him after posting this blog on Friday night. Since then, he's been explaining to me that's he's stressed out about court, finding another job after court, working the two jobs that he currently has and having the baby. We both mutually stated that we wanted to work things out but when we actually had time to sit down and talk about it, he changed his mind stating "I don't know if I want to do this right now. You need a week to think about things, then we'll try to work something out."
I was LIVID and this led to the biggest argument we've ever had. I ended up making him walk to his mother's house at 2 am (the walk took about an hour) and I woke up this morning to a text message stating that "We didn't change like we were supposed to in order to become good parents and to maintain the relationship we had." I didn't respond. He called me a few hours ago and explained that he did want to work things out right away.
I no longer feel that I'm "wrong" for asking him to stop. You guys are right, me and the baby should be his number one priority. But am I now wrong for wanting to work things out with someone who might not be willing to work on his only flaw in order to maintain a healthy family?
@meaganbme93@xanga - That only flaw is a really big deal. My husband did the same thing to me, quit before we had a baby then started up again. He works hard and is a good dad but the pot addiction has led to lots of lying, bad choices and us getting into some financial hardships. It also tends to make people a little immature. Plus, pot smokers can be moody; going from being high to being sober, back to being high and back down again is not always pleasant. With a kid around, it will make for an even more tense situation when he isn't high.
Used in moderation, perhaps once at night, is not going to be the downfall. It's him choosing it now over everything else.
Like I said before, if you stay with him, chances are that there will be a
struggle with this for the rest of your married life. Be prepared to be
lied to and for his addiction to be #1 in his life since it's apparent it already is. You and the baby being second is not going to be fun. If he is a serious addict and you've got $10 to buy baby diapers but he wants some weed, what do you think his choice will be?
say goodbye! this guy is a joke. if he were in a gladiator ring, im sure everyone would give him the thumbs down. seriously though. dont waste your time with him. wow. and if youre pro choice.... not too late! but if ya wanna keep it, good luck as a single mom. its hard out there but im sure with help and determination, it can be done. =D but just get this guy outta your life.
@Joobie82@xanga - I definitely understand where you're coming from. I've noticed the moodswings and the decreasing attention towards me. He use to be the kind of guy that was always telling me how much he loved me and the baby, and always touching, kissing, and talking to my belly. But since he's picked up his bad habit, he rarely touches me. I'll get lucky to even get a kiss on the forehead when he's in a bad mood because he can't go smoke when he wants. I'm going to talk to him today and ask him if he wants to try rehab. He's doing this to "deal" with his stress. But it's unhealthy for his family.
@meaganbme93@xanga - The bad part is that he's not actually dealing with the stress, like he seems to think. He's avoiding it all together by getting high and becoming detached from his problems.
I wish the best for you and your child. You seem like a very smart girl with a bright future. : )
can't teach a bull how to dance-judge judy.
judyism pretty much applies to everything.@ShirleyD@xanga - Thank you. :D I have a really supportive family so my kid will always have someone there for him. My ex has asked for custody rights. . . ? I asked him if he was nuts and with his previous run-ins with the law (even though they're minor things), I'm not really worried about him actually being able to get custody of my child. I'm not one of those people to put my kids off on others, but I know my family is going to do go out of their way to take care of me and my child. It's really nice to know I have support on here too.
@Joobie82@xanga - Thank you so much. I'll keep this blog updated as often as I can. I'm hoping to know exactly how things are going to be and what's going to happen when these things settle down. Thank you, again. :D
My ex was a pot head. He promised me that he wouldn't do it. He did it. HE LOST MY RESPECT!
He has to change for himself. Not you, not for his child. And to tell you the truth if he isn't changing for his kid then I would be like see you mofo. Good bye is needed now! If he loved you, if he cared about yalls child he wouldn't have went back to it. He isn't good enough for you, if he chooses weed over you. HE ISN"T WORTH IT. You don't need to keep crying over him. You can't count on him to be their for you, then you don't need to let him count on you to be their for him. He is making decisions for his life, and you need to make decisions for you, and your baby. At the very least protect your baby.
I'm so sorry you have been made to make this decision. If you need to talk, message me. I'm always open to help anyone. :( HUGS
@katethoughts@xanga - Hahaha. I'm investing in a t-shirt with this saying on it. :D
@sbhasty@xanga - Thank you so much for your support. I definitely will keep you in mind .I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I have a history of attracting these kind of guys to me. /: It's hard telling someone you've cared about and loved for so long goodbye, you know? But, again, thank you for your support and I'd love to talk to you more about it. :D
@meaganbme93@xanga - I completely understand but as you said you have family for support. Also, last resort go to God, he is you're greatest salvation. He loves you beyond you're pain. And life happens to us, but we choose how we react to life. Saying good bye will either make him realize he is completely stupid for risking his selfish need over his family, or he will reveal that he really didn't care. I know that is so HARD to work through, but everyone on here is here for you, and so is your family. We love you, and we already love your baby. Best wishes. Message me if you need to. :)
i bet a lot of this fighting stems from the stress of entering a new level of commitment. the guy just found out he's about to be a father, and as exciting as that is, it would still freak me the fuck out. maybe smoking against your wishes isn't the best way to de-stress, but i can't blame the guy
i hate to say this, because i feel as though it always decreases my credibility, but pot really isn't that bad- there's a reason it might become legal one day. i think the main issue is that he's willing to place more value on smoking than on making you happy, which again could be a result of stress. whenever i feel like someone's taking a dominant role in my decision making process (harsh way to put it, but fiance + baby momma makes you a very influential force in his life), i always, always feel the need to rebel a bit... even if i know it's stupid.
hopefully he'll come around. it'd be sad to end such a good relationship over a little pot smoking, but as i said, maybe the issue is deeper than that
good luck!
Talk to him reasonably about it. Ask him why he's gone back to doing it. Ask him to revisit his original reasons for quitting. He might have started again because he's stressed or afraid of the commitment he's making. You need to have a reasonable conversation about it and get to the root of why he's acting the way he is before you make such a huge decision.
My boyfriend used to smoke a LOT and since we've been dating he's made the decision to cut it back (not completely, he still smokes occasionally) primarily because he no longer feels the need to make it a habit and because getting in trouble at school could force him to sever ties with me.
If he needs to think about whether to stop smoking herb or not, then he isn't worth it. I realize you are pregnant, but you don't want to be raising your child in that kind of environment. I know this advice is easier said than done, but I honestly think you should leave him. If he is smart, he will come to his senses and stop smoking. This advice is coming from a girl who used to have a pothead boyfriend. He did stop, but we ran into some issues where it did look like he was smoking herb and lying to me about that. I am not with him anymore, but I learned never to start a relationship if, among other things, the guy does drugs.
i understand your anger, and as one part of me wants to say LEAVE HIM another part of me thinks that maybe he's just really nervous and doesn't know how to act. there is a chance that he'll straighten up, and i think that you should wait it out a little bit longer, but if he still hasn't changed by the time your child arrives... find someone better. <3 i wish you luck!