Friday, 22 July 2011
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Sorry, You Need to Lose 50 Pounds
One of my SO's friends from high school is now about to be a sophomore at a pretty good college in Maryland. She, Emma, is currently hooking up with a guy she knows from college. She finds him attractive, but isn't really interested in dating him. They have not slept together yet, but they've done pretty much everything else.Meanwhile, Emma's good friend Jesse (also from college) has confessed his love for her numerous times. She always tells him that she just wants to be his friend, so Jesse stays in the friend zone. About a week ago, Emma went to visit Jesse who is staying at school for the summer. She enjoyed their time together so much that now she thinks she likes him back.
So what's the problem, right? She's not even dating the other guy and there are hardly any (if at all) emotional attachments there.
Well, Jesse is fairly overweight. So, Emma is not physically attracted to him and thus will not date him or hook up with him. She has told Jesse this before and because he wants to get the girl so badly, he is working out and losing weight for her. I'm not really sure quite how much Emma appreciates this, but it seems to me that the mere effort Jesse is putting in could be found attractive enough to make him datable.
What should Emma do now? Should they start dating while Jesse is still dropping pounds?
Have you ever dated an overweight guy or girl? Would you?
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 21. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (86)
She needs to....
get over herself or get hit in the face because she is being incredibly superficial. That is ridiculous and if I were Jesse, I'd tell her to go fuck herself because, although I'm sure Emma is gorgeous, her personality and superficiality would immediately drop my attraction toward her.
Although this is a really sad situation you can't help what you don't like, you know? If she's really not physically attracted to him because of his weight she can't just force herself to think differently. However, if I was Jesse I wouldn't change for ANYONE. I would find someone who likes me for everything that I am. Although, if he's overweight AND unhealthy her motivation might be a good thing.
People tend to care about people who care about themselves, right? If Jesse is only losing weight for her, then he probably doesn't *really* truly care about his weight himself or he would have done something about it already. This whole situation screams superficial...
That being said: this is a tough situation that I've actually had to juggle and balance before... and it's not fun.
Best of luck to Emma.
If she's not attracted to him, she's not attracted to him. I'm all for "inner beauty," but you're not just having sex with the personality, you're also having sex with its container. If that container isn't attractive to you, there's only so much you can do.
I applaud Jesse's effort, but he should keep it all in perspective and remember not to lose himself for someone else. If he thinks it's worth it, though, and is doing it healthily, it could be a wonderful change for several reasons.
I can look at this from both sides of the coin.
I have never been attracted to bigger men. If I found myself falling for the personality of chubby guy, I would probably still struggle with the physical attraction. I would not, however, ask them to change. I'd either decide I could live with it or move on. If he asked me outright, though, I would probably tell him, but it would definitely make me feel bad to have to say it to his face. And it would make me feel even worse if he started to change for me.
With that said, I am not a small girl myself. I have had at least 2 guys offhandedly mention that they would find me more attractive if I were thinner. In those cases, I have a very "get with it or get without it" attitude. Honestly, if a guy can't get on board with a little thickness I am probably not the one for him.
Overall though, I believe that there is a "buyer" for every market. I have at least 3 close female friends who have NO PROBLEM dating chubby guys. And good for them! I also have a few male friends who looooooove thicker girls. One even likes FAT girls. Except, he uses the word "robust". Haha. Big boys/girls need love too.
An important thing to think about when you start dating someone is this: Appearance changes over time. Will you still love them in 20 years if they are fat....balding...hairy...wrinkly....saggy...handicap even? It is not fun to think about, but it is a fact of life.
im glad he's working out. even if things dont work out with emma who cares he would've completely OPENED his dating pool. im proud of him.
people say how superficial it is. but not really- everyone has preferences and if shes in shape i can see why she'd want to be with someone healthy, active and in shape. im missing the problem. people dont have to like everyone. its not possible. we cant even control who we're attracted to.
I think that emma likes what she likes for a reason. yeah some people think that it is wrong, but if theres no physical attraction, there isnt. of course, if he works out and gets fit, then he can screw any chick he wants.
I think I could date someone who was a tad bit overweight - maybe on the chubby side like a big teddy bear. Not too much overweight though because even though I'm not a shallow person, I DO need to be somewhat physically attracted to someone and the extra weight isn't all that appealing to me.
I am married though and my husband is not at all overweight. If one day he does gain some extra pounds I would love him regardless. I've already fallen in love with him so he'll always be attractive to me.
I'm usually attracted to men, who used to be thin but they started to workout on their own accord and gradually turned into medium built/toned men. I don't demand anyone workout. they've worked out on their own before I met them for themselves and also to appeal more to whoever they want to attract, so they are usually already toned when I met them. on another note, just because he has a toned body, it doesn't necessarily make me like him or want to hookup with him let alone date him. he'd still have to be cute in order to find his toned body attractive, then when I'm sexually attracted to him, I might still eliminate him or friendzone him even if he isn't fat, because I'd have to also have an emotional connect, trust him to be comfortable enough to do sexual things. I'm not one for everything but sex either. this is all personal preference and everything factors into his overall appeal. there might be exceptions but since I haven't been in this situation or there never have been bigger guys that crushed on or wanted to date me that I know of, then I might give him a chance and date him. I find someone like jack black adorable and datable because he isn't severely obese but chubby in a cute way and he is funny and seems very adorable(probably because I'm imagining him as kung fu panda
) and he might not be as adorable in person, who knows. I mean even some fat people have crushes on slim and cute people than the uglies, just sayin. if he has a very cute face but is slightly chubby then it is negotiable. anyway, I already have someone, who I didn't demand him to look a certain way, he was just...wow at first sight
all on his own 
Yes, Emma is superficial and probably pretty shallow too, BUT you can't fault her for telling him outright that if he wasn't overweight, she would date him. She was never attracted to him because of the weight. If they took the weight OFF the equation, she'd probably STILL not really like him....despite the improved "image" he has created from working out and etc, then it's RIGHT IN HER FACE and soon to realize, he'll be an attractive guy for someone else who will like him regardless of his slightly smaller size and awesome personality.
I, for one, was not ever attracted to chubbier guys. It just doesn't work with my shallow brain I guess...more than anything, it's a big health risk. I'm fairly tall and slim, I've always been underweight and as I turned 27, been with an Italian guy for 2 yrs and eating more pasta and salad than I've ever did in my Korean eating habits, I'm actually slightly heavier, although not "normal" by my docot's standards. I have a relatively fast metabolism, I cannot eat a lot of food in one sitting and I generally get hungry every 3 hrs. That being said, Emma will realize whatever "factor" she has tricked herself she's feeling "attracted" to, it's not about the weight and he'll be open to dating someone else with less brutal honesty and someone who truly likes him. No conditions.
It probably sounds really mean of her, but it makes perfect sense. Why date someone you aren't attracted to? I don't think I could date someone overweight nor have I ever. My current boyfriend is pretty skinny and I'm still really attracted to him, so it's not that I only want to date someone who is fit and tone, I just don't think I could be attracted to someone who was overweight. It almost seems like they can't take care of themselves and their image, so why would they take care of me. Of course personality matters, but there's other things that are important too.
I'd
like to say that Emma is superficial, but I can’t really say that and neither
could many other people who have said so. She can't help it if she’s not
attracted to him- Personality aside, you have to be attractive to whoever
you're with. So the problem here lies with Jesse...
He
shouldn't be losing weight for her though; he should do it for himself. He
probably won't get the girl, because Emma will realize that he did it for
someone else and not for his own benefit as his own person. She’ll decide he's
not man enough for her and he'll be left broken hearted, but his weight loss
will open up many different opportunities with different women. I hope Jesse
finds someone who appreciates him for him.
It's kind of sad, but if she doesn't like it then she just doesn't like it, shallow as it may seem. You can't really help who you're sexually attracted to...
Uh.... Did anyone happen to read the part where the OP said that Emma IS attracted to him but that she just WOULDN'T DATE him BECAUSE of his weight???
So, in reality, she likes him, she probably finds him attractive (I'm assuming she does because likeness starts at attraction), but she just wouldn't DATE him because he's a chub.
I find that superficial and that was what I was directing my comment toward.
I had always dated rather skinny guys til I got with my now fiance & childs father. I weigh about 100 lbs. & hes about a good 240. Hes a bit overweight but it doesnt look bad on him, because hes 6', but he is the biggest person Ive been with & he gets insecure about it sometimes, I tell him hes fine too me, but if he wants he could go work out at the gym & wed go together. I still think hes super sexy even if he is overweight a little. = ]
Everyone bashing this girl needs to get off his/her respective high horse. What is the POINT of dating someone you're not attracted to?
Fair. I wouldn't appreciate a girl who didn't make an effort to stay in shape for me. I know I know "love is blind" right? No. Frankly, it comes down to caring about the other person. If you care, you will try and stay in shape for them, because there is nothing shittier than loving a person who then assumes its fine to indulge all their cravings and become something other than the lovely person you fell for. If he is fat and she likes him, fine. But if he gets it shape for her, they get together, then he better god damn stay that way. I work my butt off to stay in shape. Better reciprocate if you want to procreate.
So after she corners her pray does she drink his blood or just complain and boss him around?
I commend her for her honesty. She could have just been like "Oh I'm not feeling it" leading him to believe there was NOTHING he could do to make her interested. Instead she was straight up like hey, lose some weight.
And I could understand this being super shallow if the dude wasn't even that significantly overweight, but obviously he is.And it's like for me, I used to be a size 2-4, and then I slowly made my way up to a size 10-12, and now I'm finally working on dropping the weight. Do I think a 10-12 is unattractive? Hell no. I still felt hot! But I also know that gaining weight over time is how you get seriously overweight - I was only 6 lbs overweight but it could have kept creeping on - and maybe Emma feels the same way. If this guy didn't try to lose 50 pounds it's highly unlikely that he would just stay the same weight, he'd probably gain even more.
Also I can honestly say that I'd give a seriously overweight guy a chance, I'm attracted to chubby guys anyway and I've fallen in love with a seriously overweight guy before, but I would NEVER EVER date a really really skinny guy. So I'm probably more shallow than Emma is. I don't care how nice the dude is. I'm not doing it.
@torturetoy@xanga - There's a huge difference between emotional attraction and PHYSICAL attraction. Yeah someone may have an awesome personality, but you're not having sex with their personality.
If it's okay for a girl to turn a guy down because of his weight, it should be okay for a guy to do the same to a girl, without being lectured about how it's the "inside" that matters. I mean, come ON, I can't see your goddamn spleen from this angle so I have no idea about your "inside".
meh. at least she was forward. i too have rejected guys who are overweight just as some guys have looked right past me cuz my everlasting donut. its nothing new in society except she told him whats what. and if he wants to go out of his way just to get her to want him, so be it. though i personally wouldnt ever feel comfy in my skin being with that person. god forbid i gain any weight after. so good luck to him if they ever do date.
I certainly don't mind a little fluff. I've even dated a guy who was medium fluffy. But big fluffy? Not a fan.
Reminds me of that movie, 200 Pounds Beauty. The point being is if you aren't at least physically attractive to someone, the relationship won't work. Sex won't work and all that jazz. Personality goes goes so far.
I'm dating my bf and he's extremely overweight but I'm letting him decide to get healthy for himself and not for my sake.
@torturetoy@xanga - this is what i was going to say.
it'd be one thing if she weren't at all attracted to him, but she likes him, she's just being shallow. "oh, yeah i like him and he's great, but he's chubby so i don't want to be associated with him." really?