Thursday, 21 July 2011
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Why Buy the Cow if You Can Get the Milk for Free?
My boyfriend has made it clear to me that he is not interested in marriage right now. He says it will take him a few years to get used to the idea. I understand where he's coming from; he has a horrible view of marriage based on past experiences (parents divorced 3 times, and he was engaged to a girl who left him for his best friend).I have told him that I want to get married, and that if it's something that he doesn't think he'll be able to do in the future, that we shouldn't be together. I am willing to compromise and wait the few years he says it will take him.
He's asked me to move (and move in) with him in January, when he goes back to school. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, because I can't shake this thought. What if I move in with him and we never get married? If I move in with him, aren't I essentially a wife without the commitment? I would love to live with him, but I see it as a step towards marriage.
I don't want to become stuck in a relationship where he's getting everything a husband gets, without committing to be my husband. I certainly don't want to pressure him into getting married before he's ready, but I'm afraid if I live with him, it will take longer to happen.
What inspires a man to propose marriage to a woman he is living with?
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About the Author
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- From: KickDrumHeart
- About Me: I'm 23. I watch football and wedding shows. I drink beer and shop way too much. I am stubborn, caring, and realistic.
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Comments (60)
If he'd be "getting everything a husband would get" by living with you, wouldn't you be "getting everything a wife would get" by living with him? I'm assuming you're not going to be more okay with him sleeping with other people while in a steady relationship than you will be when you're married.
A man proposes to a woman he's living with when he wants to make the commitment more "permanent." And some men want that, just like some women do. That doesn't mean he's not committed before the marriage, though.
I honestly don't know. Everyone that I know that has been married (except for one person) didn't live with the person they married before getting married. Coming from that standpoint, I totally understand your concern. I personally wouldn't want to live with someone before I married them because of this idea.
Only you can make the decision about whether or not he'll take advantage of "getting the milk for free" or if he is actually committed enough to you to actually marry you one day.
I lived with my husband for 3.5 years before we got married. I chose to move in with him because I knew we would get married one day, I knew that he was a good man.
That's tough. Maybe you guys living together will open the idea of marriage more to him. Maybe when you two live together for a few years he'll see how great the relationship is going and realize that marriage could be a wonderful thing.
I guess you could just explain your concerns as blatantly as you can to him, and hopefully he'll give you more of the clear answer you need. It's a tough subject because it's hard to predict how he'll feel in a few years. How strongly has he felt before on never marrying? If he's willing to try and be open/get use to the idea with you, that says a lot already.
that's tough, because i don't know your boyfriend and i don't know your whole situation.
i dated my boyfriend for a year before we moved in together. we hadn't discussed marriage or anything remotely serious about our relationship. we just knew that we loved each other and the time was right. mayyybee a year or two later, he tells me that he wants to get engaged after i graduate college, but not before. he had already graduated but was still working a shit job and didn't feel like he was in a good place to get engaged. plus, we were both very young. (we started dating when i was 19 and he was 22.)
we've been together for 4 years now and i'm set to graduate next spring, 2 years later then i had initially thought i would. he now has a relatively good paying job, and he hinted recently that he was thinking about proposing sooner then originally planned.
i guess to answer your question, i think if you move in with him and it works, then it will probably prompt thoughts of marriage in his head. he'll realize that you two are happy living together and he will foresee spending the rest of your lives together. but he was already upfront and told you it would take a few years for him to warm up to the concept. that doesn't mean he won't change his mind, but be prepared for a wait.
How long have you been together? I feel like that's an important part of this equation. If it's around two years or so, then the discussion of marriage isn't too far-fetched--if it's only around one year, I think it's way too soon to be talking about it this seriously.
If I were you, I wouldn't move in with him. Your commitment to each other wouldn't be lessened by living separately. It would still leave you with some power in that, if he wants to have "the whole package" with you, then he can marry you. It isn't unreasonable for you to say that you don't feel comfortable moving in with him if he doesn't yet feel comfortable thinking about marrying you.
...I would never marry someone without living with them first.
I could see wanting that commitment to a marriage happening in the future, but I definitely couldn't see myself marrying someone I had never lived with. You learn a lot from living with a person.@i_r_keiko@xanga - I don't think talking about marriage 1 year into a relationship is too soon...it depends on the relationship. I dated a guy for 2 years and never talked about marriage with him, and I had only been with my current boyfriend for 5 months when he started talking to me about marriage, and a month later I moved to a different state to move in with him. Granted, we've known each other for ten years because we met in high school so we had some history, but not much.
truly loving you and not wanting to be without you.
I am not sure what makes a man propose other than he is ready to be in a committed relationship. To be honest, when my husband moved in with me, I didn't feel like his wife until (well) after I became his wife. If I were in the situation you were in, if I trusted the guy and I really thought that he was going to marry me, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. However, I would let him know that by uprooting my life meant that I was taking a huge leap of faith and making a tremendous commitment to hi. I would remind him that I am not the woman that hurt him and that we are not his parents and our relationship is not based on anything that happened to them.
@sparkletone1684@xanga - I agree. You shouldn't live with the person before getting married. Living together AFTER marriage is better because you committed to each other and you will do everything it takes to make things work. Before getting married, there's always a chance of backing out. It's just easier to leave because you're not "legally" committed.
I see what you're saying...but honestly, if you love him, and can spend the rest of your life with him, does a ring/license really matter? And really...if he takes too long, or things don't work out, you can always move out. It won't be easy, but you said he's going back to school, which tells me you're still in college, and this isn't the time to be getting married, anyway. Live with him--if you want--until you guys are done with school and then see what happens. He's gun-shy from seeing marriages and relationships fall apart around him. So instead of worrying about whether you'll ever get married, and pressuring him to do something he obviously isn't ready for (and you're both probably too young for yet), live with him and show him how committed you are to him. Show him, don't tell him, that you guys have a committed, long-lasting relationship. If he truly wants to marry you, then this is how you'll get him to that point.
And if, in a few years, he hasn't proposed--please let him wait until he's out of college, okay?--and you're dissatisfied, then you don't have to stay. A lease is not a marriage license--you can pack your stuff and go. Granted, I wouldn't do this until you're absolutely sure: 1.) you'll never feel secure without that marriage license, and 2.) that he will never, ever, not in a million years commit to you forever.
But until then, show him that--as long as he's willing to put in the effort--you'll stick with him. Moving in together is a big step, but it doesn't have to be this huge crisis for you. If you want to move in with him, do it. Move in, then see how things go.
I've been married for two years, now, and lived with my husband for three years (almost 4) before we got married. We even bought a house together before we tied the knot. As long as both people are committed, there doesn't have to be this drama about a wedding ring. Unless you're worried he'll leave you, I'd stop making such a huge deal about the wedding. What matters isn't the wedding; what matters is your love and commitment to each other. And you'd have that with or without the ring.
-Katie
@stanlee255@xanga - Well done! Thank you!
I wouldn't move in with him. You shouldn't commit that deeply to a person if you're not sure that you want the same things in life.
I would only move in with a guy if i was engaged to him. thats just my way of thinking though, your way of thinking could be different. Why not try it out for a year? Also keep in mind that living together can either make or break a relationship
love. to answer the question. and a lot of things. similar goals/values/amazing to be around.
but i wouldn't move in. putting yourself in that middle zone sounds like torture a LDR sounds better.
aren't you getting the milk for free, as well?
I don't think there is anything that can inspire a man to propose. Either he wants to or he doesn't But there are some men who are inspired to do so from pressure from friends and/or family. Surely you would like for your future husband to want to marry you because he wants to marry you, not because you or someone else told him to. Since I do not know your whole story, I would only offer this: If you're uncomfortable with the idea of moving in with him, then don't. I think one can learn a lot about another person when they live with him/her. If you decide to move in, be sure to keep to your things separate (money) and have a back up plan as to what you're going to do if the relationship ends.
Are you sure he'll be ready in a few years?
How old is he? I don't think it's odd he isn't ready for marriage, right now. But really, IMO, when people say this what they really mean is that they aren't ready to marry that person right now. I'd work on your relationship to be sure you guys really work. I doubt moving in together is gonna change it that much. Good luck!
Since I share completely opposite views of marriagefrom you, I don't think I can ever truly understand the way you and many other women view marriage, but it seems to me that you two need different things from each other, and in any kind of relationship, that clash might be the boulder that pulls your relationship down into the deep if it doesn't get settle early on. It seems he really just is unsure of what he personally wants in a relationship, and he probably does love you since he wants to live with you (it can't be just for sex). I would suggest having a discussion about your needs in the future and compromise on some kind of solution that would make the two of you mutually happy. For example, you can live with him for x number of years before he would need to tie the knot.
Really, just talk to him. Spill to him your insecurities and worries about this issue, not Datingish, haha.
If he says he wants to wait a few years he is saying he doesn't want to get married. There is no "few years" in his plans.
Can someone please explain to me what the fuck the difference between a happy couple, and a happy couple with a piece of signed paper?
For fucks sake, girls who obsess over marriage make me ashamed to be female.
Are you sure he's really someone you want to marry? Maybe he's just a guy you like because he likes you.
i used to think the same way about moving in. i figured it was something you should only do when you get married. if not, then it's kind of ruining the fun of looking forward to living with each other and sharing your lives. but then again..if you did move in before marrying him, at least you can get a preview of what it's like to live with him if you're able to tolerate it or not. decisions, decisions..