Wednesday, 20 July 2011
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Leaving Long Term Relationships for Someone Else
I personally feel leaving a relationship for someone else is a terrible thing to do, although admittedly I have done it before.When I was 16 I was in a relationship with someone (let's call him Joe) for four months and had met a new boy during the last month. As soon as I realized I liked the other boy, I quickly broke it off with Joe. I didn't cheat on Joe, but I was with the new boyfriend only a day or so after the break up. Although I felt a small tinge of guilt, at the same time I knew the relationship with Joe wasn't anything deep or worth trying to work through. I didn't feel a strong connection with Joe, and in an old diary entry I remember writing that I was only with him because I liked not being alone (oh the lameness of my 16 year old self).
Enter the new boy, James. I was easily hooked. He treated me completely differently than Joe did. He made me feel like a princess, like I could do anything, like I was everything. Ironically, a month later James and I broke up.
I never regretted my decision to leave Joe although I do think I could have gone about things differently.
This is the only experience I have personally had with leaving someone for someone else. Although the relationship was nothing serious, I still felt bad at the time.
As I've gotten older I've seen a lot of girls leave long-term relationships for new guys. The reasons the girls leave, at least from what I have seen has to with: their either bored of their relationship, their relationship is going through a rough patch, or they're just sick of being tied down. The girl is usually seduced by the new guys attention and what he has to offer.
Some examples I have seen (names have been changed):
1. Shannon, 20, leaves boyfriend (also 20) of 4 years for someone 25 years older than her. Her reasons being that she was bored of her old relationship, didn't feel strongly for him anymore, and she liked the idea of the non-serious relationship she would get to experience with her new, 40 year old man.
2. Jessica, with her boyfriend for a year and a half, left him for a mutual friend. When I found out I was a little surprised because I knew at one point she wanted to marry him. Her reasoning? She just wasn't happy anymore.
3. Kelly, with her boyfriend for 3 years, cheated on him in the last month with a guy she met at work. She was sick of her boyfriend by this time and every little thing he did annoyed her. She was bothered he always called her babe, that he didn't like to party, and that he texted her all the time. Soon after she cheated she finally broke it off with her old boyfriend and continued fooling around with her new boy.
Now I know I wrote a lot about girls leaving relationships for other guys and not guys leaving relationships for other girls, but I honestly haven't seen it for myself. Although I'm sure it happens, I have a feeling it happens less often. Am I wrong on this?
Have you ever left a long-term relationship? What were your reasons? Do you feel it was justified or that it was still wrong? Have you seen any of your friends do this?
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About the Author
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- From: reesa14@xanga
- About Me: 21. In love. Still trying to figure the rest out.
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Comments (33)
I find it interesting that your personal example was you leaving a boyfriend of 4 months. I don't characterize that as a long term relationship.
People get bored. Oh, and to be a complete generalizing a-hole, the reason you don't hear of guys doing this is because they guy just cheats and stays with the girlfriend until he's caught.
I thought it was pretty coincidental that this was posted, I just left my bf of 2 years for my best friend of 7 years. Althogh my bf and I had been best friends as well for about 6 yrs. Definitely a hard decision and a not so pleasant situation now, but I think it was best in the end.
Yeah, I'm not sure 4 months would characterize a long-term relationship, but I guess that's a relative case, depending on how long your relationships last or something. However, I think there's a difference between leaving a relationship because it's not working out and leaving because you've found someone else more exciting. Usually if you are able to transition quickly between men, it's probably because you were already emotionally (and maybe physically) detached from your prior relationship. Even if the previous relationship was on the rocks, at the very least, attempts should have been made to mend the issues. However, asking a woman not to follow her emotional desires is like asking a tree NOT to grow... it just doesn't work.
Your personal example of your relationship was total of 4 months. That's not a relationship worth categorized under "long-term" when all your other examples were years.
Oddly enough, Cheating on someone is wrong and stupid. I guess, it's the thrill of being caught or the danger of being the "other" when someone you're in a relationship with is in the dark about the slutty things that s/he does with some new fling.
That being said, I'd rather break off with the long term than cheat on him. That's degrading myself to have a fling with a "thrill" (of some twisted sense and sort) and insulting my relationship/SO by lying to his face and to myself. People who rely on their SO to Feel FULFILLED in their relationship, however serious or deep it is, lose that initial spark and become "bored" when their own lives become stagnant and boring, so they blame it on their "love lacking" relationship, which is just blaming others for their own fault.
@lyrra_askavi@xanga - Even though you admittingly stated your opinion as a "complete generalizing a-hole"....Guys do leave their gfs for someone new and it's not because they cheat on them until he's caught. Some guys get lazy, they don't want to multitask nor compartmentalize what they said or haven't done, so they do end relationships. I know some girls that do the thing that apparently men are told to do "do nothing, cheat until caught." Let's not stereotype with gender roles, shall we?
Leaving for a reason is a good idea. Leaving for someone else usually doesn't work out.
those three examples sound like selfish girls who need an excuse, and all they could come up with is "i'm bored."
I can give you an example of a guy... We'll call him Andy. He was dating this girl that we'll call Krista. He left her to date a girl we'll call Bridget. Andy and Krista were together for 4 years, and he left her because Bridget would have sex with him more often than Krista did.
And then there's me. I left a guy I was with for a year and 4 months to be with a guy that I was with for 4 months before he left me because he didn't like my family. There's no moral here. I could go back to the guy I had been with, he would take me back he's already said so. But the problem was I'd been falling out of love with him for a while before I left him, the other guy just happened to be there when I was leaving him. It was all circumstantial.
@kor_girl@xanga - This has nothing to do with gender roles. The OP gave examples that they personally knew of. In my experience, I have seen more men cheat on a partner once they are bored and want someone else than I have seen them leave said partner. Certainly, there are members of both sexes that commit cheating or leave long term relationships for someone else. The trend that I personally see is what I stated.
I don't understand why this reasoning is so vilified. It's not the same as cheating...cheating is, in fact, NOT leaving a relationship even when you feel it is over. And it is lying. However, when you have feelings for someone else, you will most likely no longer have feelings for your supposed SO; and sticking it out will probably breed resentment.
Personally, I think leaving a relationship for someone else is one of the purest reasons.
Footnote: I'm talking about leaving someone in the case of love, not lust, for someone else. If it is purely physical, I have far less respect for the situation...
I was the one left behind. I was with my first girlfriend for over 3 years. Once college time came around, she told me she didn't trust herself around other guys, and that she wanted to experience what it was like to be a college freshman (in other words, hooking up with guys). So, in a sense, she did leave for someone else, or in other words, for other people.
For me, I've never done it. And looking at my previous relationships, I was always the one who was devoted and always wanted to stay in the relationship. The most recent one was me leaving because I wasn't being treated as well as I should have been.
I'm really conflicted on this.
It seems to me that if you are having strong enough feelings for someone to leave your current relationship, you're already cheating. You can't just leave whenever you're simply attracted to someone else, or you'll never have a long-term relationship with anyone. You'll always find people you're attracted to in life, you just don't act on it.I guess if you're willing to leave, there are already problems in the relationship and you should have left before you found someone new.
I have never left someone for someone else. I have "blinders" on when I'm in a relationship and I don't give other men the time of day. Of course I still notice that Bradely Cooper is super hot lol but I don't flirt with men. I don't talk to other men more than I have to because I don't want to give them any reason to think I'm interested. I know not everyone is like me, this is just my extreme reaction to being cheated on by my first love.
I've been left for another girl...twice by two different guys. So fuck that, I wont be caught dead ever doing that to a guy no matter how serious or not the relationship is. This is also why I will never trust a dude ever again, since it seems like nobody ever wants to grow up.
i broke up with my ex of over 2 years, and was with my current boyfriend very quickly after. i was never treated the way i should have been, and i finally wised up, and i finally left him. i dont regret it.
that would make him 45, not 40
one person likes the other person more, so he/she stays, while the less invested person, who doesn't feel as strongly, is likely to stray or leave. in your examples, it was just a coincidence that all of your female friends didn't like the guys as much as they liked them, so it was easier for them to just leave since the feelings turned mild. 3 examples isn't enough to determine that it tends to happen more with females than males. a survey of maybe a couple hundred thousand would be more convincing results:D
those are all plausible reasons to leave a long term relationship...or any relationship for that matter...maybe they should have left earlier. lol. ;)
Yep TOTALLY know a girl who does this. My ex. She's the one that's dumped her last 4 relationships, including me, which lasted almost 4 long years. Her reason? She lost her feelings for me, and she developed feelings for someone else during that last month together. I feel like she just doesn't understand the concept that relationships = continual effort and work.
i quit reading when you said boyfriend of 4 months.
thats a LONG REALATIONSHIP?
I'm sorry if your realationships have never exceded 4 months, but thats not long darling.
I don't think the writer was saying that her relationship of 4 months was long term. She even says that although that particular relationship was not serious, her experience of leaving that boyfriend for someone else is the closest thing to the given topic. However, I do agree with fellow xangans that leaving someone after a few months is entirely different to leaving someone after a couple of years.
I have a particular guy friend who is constantly jumping from one long term relationship to another. It's always the same: meets girl, falls head over heels, swears he's going to spend the rest of his life with her *rolls eyes*, gets bored after a year or so, while in relationship looks for another girl, breaks ups with current girlfriend for new girl. And the cycle goes on.
I suppose that if the relationship is not working out, then by all means end it. I just feel that when people move on so quickly to a new person and into a new relationship, it is kind of disrespectful to the ex-significant other, as if the previous relationship was meaningless and a waste of time. *shrugs*
I'm sorry that I didn't note that I was using that example because it was my only personal example. What I meant by "This is the only experience I have personally had with leaving someone
for someone else. Although the relationship was nothing serious, I still
felt bad at the time." The reason I used Joe as an example was because I just wanted to show I can understand it somewhat from the girl's perspective. I also agree 4 months isn't a long relationship.
And I'm actually in my first long term relationship :). Well at least it's been over a year.
i don't know how i would feel if someone left me for someone else, it would make me feel so bad though. i don't think i have the heart to do that someone, people are people, you treat people the way you want to be treated.
I left my ex-boyfriend of seven months for my now boyfriend of (almost...three days!) one year. Why? My ex sexually abused me, mentally abused me, and put drugs as his top priority. Then I met my boyfriend and he took me under his wing, I got up the courage to break up with my ex, and now I am finally happy.
But I think if someone is just "bored" with their boyfriend, they should try to solve the problem instead of running away from it. Just my opinion.
there will always be temptations out there in the world.
personally, i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and i do intend on marrying him in the future. although there have been several instances where a new (and objectively better looking) guy offered more things to me, i just don't see why i should break off a relationship i've worked so hard for to do the same with someone else. call me lazy, but i just think that in the end we're all looking for someone to spend the rest of our lives with in a comfortable fashion. i get along with my boyfriend very well and the chemistry we built didn't just happen over night, it took years to ferment and i don't intend on leaving it unless i absolutely have no other choice.
Leaving for someone else isn't a good reason to leave, BUT it does mean you should leave the one you're with anyway. If someone else can pull you away from a long-term relationship, that relationship isn't very solid.
I've never left for another person, but I have left 2 long-term relationships because I wasn't happy. What got me to realize that I didn't want those men anymore was that I found myself looking for other men. When that happened, I got out before I did something really stupid.
@stanlee255@xanga - It boils down to what your definition of a successful relationship is and what your personal values are. It seems from your reply that you value the security of the relationship more than the feelings that run between the two people. Yet to some people, like your ex, a successful relationship is an exciting, interesting and mutually loving one. If she stops feeling the same about you after a while, then it makes sense (in her mind) for her to leave because security probably isn't something she values in a relationship.