Wednesday, 20 July 2011
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Could You Trust Someone Who Has Been the Third Party?
We all have our personal opinions on cheating and what qualifies as such. But, I began thinking about what possible trust issues could be posed if your current significant other was once one-half of an extra-marital affair. I don't mean that they were cheating on their spouse but perhaps they were the third party.
I don't have any examples of this issue mainly because I don't personally know anyone who has been involved in an affair, cheating spouse, or third party. Of course I would have my issues with dating a cheater. In my eyes, a person qualifies as a cheater even after cheating one time. It becomes very hard for me to trust that person.
A few of my exes were cheaters, but when we began dating, of course, they told me they had never cheated on anyone in their whole lives. After the relationships met their demises, however, I found out that they were in fact serial cheaters. I am a person who can honestly say that I have never cheated on anyone... ever.
Now, this does not vouch for my past dating excuses. One man I was involved with, but I never dated, spoke often about wanting to move in with me and get serious and possibly get married. After I began dating my fiance though, I stopped talking to that particular individual, but he would still message me sometimes asking me if I still wanted to move in with him, to which my response would obviously be 'no'.
A few months later, I found out through his brother that he had been involved with the same woman for nearly a year and a half, lived at her place, were engaged, and were expecting a child together. Personally, I feel like his fiance and I were both wronged individuals in this screwed-up love triangle. She had no idea he was directing his romantic advances elsewhere and I had no idea that there was a significant other involved. I do not feel like I am at fault at all for what happened with him, simply because I was not aware that he was romantically involved with someone else.
Now, what I want to know about the third parties who enter the intimate relationship knowing that their love has a significant other/spouse/partner/etc. I've never (knowingly) dated someone who was involved with someone else before. It brings up a major trust issue.
Could you trust someone who had knowingly been in an affair as the third party? Would you date someone who had done this; even if it was only once?
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Comments (9)
Yes.
Why should someone be judged for the rest of their lives based on their biggest mistake? So yeah, I'd date someone who had cheated. Hell, I cheated once. People do change. It's called growing up.
I have no issue of trusting someone new. But if they have lied to me and I found out, that open, easy trust would be behind many, many, many walls. That being said, I probably wouldn't ever be at a relaxed ease about my SO if he told me that he cheated on someone in his past.
I have been cheated on. It was the most hardest thing to swallow, that somehow even with my attentive, and apparently "lovable" (said the cheating ex) personality, I couldn't figure out that he had LIED to me. In the blinding ignorance of trust, I didn't feel my womanly intuition screaming "liar, liar!" and that HURT. So yeah... Knowing how much that had HURT me, I have never cheated on anyone. That's my rule, I won't date someone who can openly lie to someone they apparently love to their face before.
I think I could trust them only if they didn't know they were the "other man" and they ended it when they found out.
@TinkerTrae@xanga - That was my situation. I had NO clue that anyone else was involved and when I found out, I was repulsed, disgusted, and other words synonymous with just plain FREAKED OUT. I'll never be able to look at him the same way.
My boyfriend was once the third party, ie he went after a girl he knew was in a relationship. He realized though it was a shitty thing to do.
I actually trust my boyfriend completely, 100 %, more than I have with any other person before. Although being the third party is certainly wrong, it's also not the same thing as actually being the cheater.
I think that you shouldn't let their past dictate their future. Yes, you should be a little more weary, however, I was knowingly the third party once in my life. I even moved in with him while he was living with his girlfriend. It's a LONG story, and I am not proud of what I did. The situation didn't last very long, and I ended it. I also apologized to her. I have never cheated on any one. My boyfriend knows about the whole thing, and yet he still trusts me 100%. Funny part is, if anything, I have more trust issues than he does simply because I know what people in general are capable of. Not trusting someone just because they were KNOWINGLY the third party is almost like bringing all the drama from your past relationships into the present, and that's not healthy. It means you are starting off your relationship in a scenario destined to fail. If they did something to YOU that would cause you not to trust them, that's a different story. You should base your trust and decisions off of YOUR relationship and experiences with them.
I probably wouldn't. Ideally, I wouldn't judge someone based on their past, but I've been in a situation that brought this question up. I was annoyed that my fiance's best friend was asking me if I'd ever date him if I were single. So I told him no and let him know exactly why. I knew he hadn't changed. He dated MY best friend while she was dating her boyfriend of 3 years. It was a sucky thing to do, but it went on for so long that I knew he didn't feel any guilt from it. This was shortly after that. The fact that he was still hitting on ME and trying to see if he would be able to date me was a good indicator of how little he learned. If I could be sure the person had changed, maybe. But I'm not even sure I'd be secure enough for it then.
Ive cheated, multiple times. But people can change, do change and grow up. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years when I met my now husband. I didnt want anything to do with my husband, well back when we had just met but something just clicked. I would stay up talking to my now husband for hours, we would watch movies and laugh and just have a good time. We did this for a few months and then I broke up with my at the time boyfriend. I realized he wasnt the one for me and it took me finding "the one" to see that. Its been over 3 years now and I couldnt be happier. I am with the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with. :)