I don't know if anyone has ever had this moment, but I feel like I am not really fit to be a boyfriend. Let me see if I can explain this as carefully as I can.
I love being in relationships. I love telling the person how I feel, how pretty, sexy and cute she is. I love telling her exactly what is on my mind and hearing her do it too. I love the good and the bad of it. Everytime I am out of a relationship, after moments of being single, I have a niggling feeling like I want to be with another girl. I love to love and be loved, rather. I love being somebody's man.
But deep inside I know that it wouldn't really be a smart idea for me to be in another relationship. You see, I take relationships and people's behvaior inside the relationship very seriously.
After being in about 11 to 12 relationships that didn't seem to last, I just don't trust myself to believe that the next relationship won't go downhill.
The majority of breakups that affected me happened because of emotional or romantic disconnection, carelessness, or plain cacophony situations on the part of the girls.
Yes, they were on the parts of the girls. And now, I have a feeling that if I enter another good relationship this time, the next person to blame for the relationship going downhill will be me.
Have you ever looked at yourself, imagined yourself in a good relationship, and just see yourself eventually letting down your lover, either by cheating on her or by dipping out of the relationship, just as soon as you realized you have a conscience and she is developing feelings for you?
I remember being in plenty of late relationships, telling my girlfriend straight up that while I did love and want them, any small mishap could bring me to cheat or to leave. I wasn't planning on scaring them;
I just wanted to warn them and hope they could be able to help me avoid the slip. The result of one is that we both said we weren't ready and broke up.
The result with the next one is that after moment of being driven insane with loneliness and accusations of my then-girlfriend starting a new relationship with another guy, I abandoned her. The result of my faith in trying love all over again is that my views on love has grown much more realistic (and somewhat cynical) than it used to be.
Now, I am currently taking a sabbatical from love, on the grounds that going into another relationship, no matter how good it is, would be incredibly dangerous for both me and the person involved. I know that it takes two to tango.
But when you are consciously wondering whether you are any bit boyfriend material anymore, all you can really think about are the things you are capable of, you know? Right now, I think that I might be capable of being something close to a douchebag (cheating, flirting, abandoning the girl). As necessary as some people think it is to do so for another person to learn, I don't ever want to be in the position to want to hurt anybody in any way.
So, for now, I'm going to do all I can to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for anything more. This way, I can be sure that I won't wind up disappointing or breaking the heart of the next girlfriend I have.
Do you ever feel like you aren't fit to be in a relationship?
True
Comments (25)
I remember being in plenty of late relationships, telling my girlfriend straight up that while I did love and want them, any small mishap could bring me to cheat or to leave. I wasn't planning on scaring them;I just wanted to warn them and hope they could be able to help me avoid the slip.
If a boyfriend told me that I'd probably be very upset, and I think you're right when you say you're not ready for a relationship. Maybe it's the girls you're getting involved with? Maybe you should date someone for a long time before you actually make her your girlfriend? If you can build a strong trust with a girl maybe it would prevent you from thoughts of leaving or cheating?
@reesa14@xanga - Maybe. The thing about me is that I don't really have an edit button on what I say most of the time. But anytime I say things like that, I pretty much mean well. I'm not trying to frighten them. I'm just sharing how I feel. When I say that, what I am trying to say is I like them and I want to be with them, but I just have some sort of feeling something will go completely haywire, if we aren't careful. I'm not a cheater in any means, and I don't ever want to hurt the ones that I love. But there is that point in your life where you kind of realize where you stand on love by finding out what type of lover you are or might beat that very moment. You know? This is part of that process of knowing yourself.
I think of it as some sort of anxiety issue. I should probably say that when I said that, I want to talk to her and say that with their love, this will not happen.
Exactly how I feel right now. Well, I mean I'm just not fit to be in one atm. I got out of one months ago.. and I realized I do better without a gf. I just want to focus on myself, some goals, and my family and friends. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being in a relationship, but I have to be honest with myself that I know I'm not ready yet. Relationships are complicated.
you're going about the whole process the wrong way! you shouldn't tell a g/f that you may cheat........anyone is capable of cheating! she is capable of it too! just because you feel like you could in the future, doesn't mean you will necessarily. "any mishap" is rather general, and you need to work on some self control if any "mishap" will push you to make a major transgression like cheating. you have to stop thinking about how you will disappoint your partner later on down the road and causing her hurt, cuz sometimes in relationships that HAPPENS. fact of the matter is people are going to hurt you, you just have to choose whether they are worth it or not. hurt and pain are the risks you take in ANY relationship, be it with your parents, friends, coworkers, etc. human interaction can lead to pain, hurt, shame, etc., but you still cultivate those relationships, right? so then why deprive yourself of a romantic relationship?
i do think, however, that you do need to work on yourself and mature and grow before you embark on another relationship.
I know I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now. People continually ask me out and I realize more and more that I just don't want to be with anyone. Whenever I go out on dates, I just feel nothing, and I stop the forward progression right there. I have actually stopped going on dates, too, because I feel like I'm leading people on by accepting that kind of invitation when I know I just don't have anything to invest into it at all.
Although I won't lie, a quick way to fix some of your problems is never tell your girlfriend you might cheat on her. That will make her doubt you from the get go, and they'll never get over that.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - "I think of it as some sort of anxiety issue." I think you're right. It sounds like you think relationships are these fragile, crystal things that can fall apart at the slightest provocation. The thing is, a good relationship won't. Good relationships go through all types of things...emotional challenges (e.g. jealousy), worldly/fiscal challenges, etc. Some can even survive cheating (although I think this is extremely avoidable). I believe the key to this is building up slowly. Super slowly. Over months or years....
It also sounds like you feel a sense of failure over your relationships that have ended. A wise ex (and one of my good friends) once pointed out to me that an ended relationship isn't worthless...we learn something from each person we are with. And I took that to heart. After all, ideally, you'll only marry the last one, right?
"...after moments of being single, I have a niggling feeling like I want to be with another girl" I think this is a problem...sort of. I mean, we all have that feeling of wanting the concept of that person back...the daily phone calls, the standing dinner date, someone to hold and kiss and..., etc. (whatever your relationship entailed). It's natural to crave its return when it's gone. However, the best, most balanced, most secure relationships I've ever seen (or had) have been when both people are totally secure in their own selves. When you have that, and have the feeling that you want to be with THIS girl, not just A girl, you may find something special :)
Good luck! Love is complicated, but there's a lot of people out there trying to figure it out, too!
Why would you feel the need to "warn" your girlfriends that you might cheat on them and you do not want nor love them, but somehow that should make their eyes open to helping you out?
For many of your relationships, you seem to lose your identity as your individual PERSON willingly and have relied upon the girlfriend to fulfill you. How you feel, how you are loved, how you love being someone's man...How about you work on yourself to be your own man? How can you expect anyone to help you be more secure and stable in your relationship, when you cannot even be your own self and take care of the parts that need maturing?
Being brutally honest is not always the best thing to do. If my fiance told me that he doesn't want or love me anymore and he might cheat on me if we have an argument or a mishap, I'd be PISSED. First, warning someone that you might cheat is not much of a warning. It's a preview of "if you get mad, I'll get oddly withdrawn, abandon any hope and cheat on you" as if it's the last resort you have taken to hold on a breaking relationship and its trust. You shouldn't even THINK the possibility of CHEATING. The word "cheat" or any form of thereof should ever enter your mind if you decided to be in a relationship even though you knew you shouldn't. I think it was a wise decision for you to take some TIME OFF from being in a twosome, but you should really look into knowing yourself, who you want to be and LOVING yourself more than loving that feeling of being a boyfriend.
This sounds lame, but if you can't love yourself, how can you expect to love anyone else or that other to love you?
I always feel I am unfit to be in a relationship. Although I am sixteen and I know for sure I am young, I tend to think pessimistically about relationships. I had my first boyfriend at the age of fifteen, and since then, my relationships have gone downhill. I often think of myself as annoying, clingy, and too insecure to love anyone. I often think no one will ever accept me for my flaws. I guess it's just me, though... I'm sure one day I'll find someone.
I just can't take going through so much heartbreak. No matter what I do I am just a screw up... not to bring anyone down, just my thoughts!
@cubancutiepie@xanga - I'm enjoying the process so far. Single, not really focused on a relationship, and getting things together. I know it is kind of a bad thing to say that, but I thought that when you be honest, even emotionally, saying that might do more than just give a heads up. It might motivate them and you (since I was the one that had this ugly realization) to keep that from happening.Now, I just know the best thing to do is be singleand leave it there for a while.
I appreciate your frank explanation of why you want to focus on yourself now. I have been in an on/off (currently off) relationship with a guy for the past few years. I wish I was strong enough to stop it. I now know he was never capable of being in a relationship with me. He was not confident in himself, nor did he love himself enough to care for me. I was affected with that by not knowing where he stood or what we both wanted. He just throws himself into this long term project (relationships) without any smart thinking. He always gets surprised when it does not work out. He then blames girls for ruining his idea of love.
Well the balloons have popped and now he is drenched in regret.
I think guys who are truly ready for love make genuine boyfriends.
I wish you the best. :)
I wouldn't say I'm not ready, but I have a bad habit of thinking about the end when nothing has really ever begun. It's kind of all or nothing for me. There's rarely a time when I look at a guy and think "I wanna go for this because I think it might last long enough to put real effort towards." I don't want to put forth effort and take myself "officially off the market" when I know something is only going to last a month or two or three. If I'm officially going to be someone's girlfriend, I want to know that it's going to be for a long time. If not, I'm just not into it.
youre just telling your girlfriend to not fuck up, and everything has to go your way if they want to be with you.
@kor_girl@xanga - You have a point there.
OP:
Yeah, at times I do feel like this..
Your completely failing to understand the key point. Look back on your relationships, and LEARN from the mistakes. Don't warn others, "This may happen, or this", thats childish. If you did something wrong your supposed to learn from it.
Let me guess, you 19 - 25 years old. You have had lots of 3-12 month relationships. All have failed. First, do not go in a relationship unless you see a future with the girl/have feelings for her. The way you said "developed feelings" is a real tell. Date first, or be friends. Just because a girl is nice, fun and pretty doesn't mean you have to jump in a relationship with them. Second, learn to enjoy being on your own. The fact that you have had 12 odd relationships speaks volumes for the fact you often got in another one without a sufficient mourning/reflection period. Stay single for a while, date and make friends with girls, but DO NOT get into a relationship. Finally, once you have reflected, learned from your mistakes, and learnt to enjoy your own company, go and chase the girl you genuinely liked, and wanted to be with. You sound like you have constantly settled for the girl who likes you. Don't do that. Its not fair. Be a man, and chase the one you genuinely want to be with and stay with.
Until you have done these steps, frankly, you are not fit to be a boyfriend.
It sounds like you need to take some time for yourself and be alone for awhile. I mean, completely single. I think you're right when you said,
"And now, I have a feeling that if I enter another good relationship this time, the next person to blame for the relationship going downhill will be me."
Honestly, nobody can make a relationship truly work unless they genuinely love THEMSELVES first. It might be a good idea to overcome your trust and codependency issues before even considering being with anybody else. Because, trust me, those issues will eventually play a part in the demise of any future relationship you have. You need to be whole before you can be a part of a couple. Only when you're completely okay with being alone, will you successfully be with someone else. Some may disagree, but codependent relationships aren't usually the most healthy. People who NEED to be in relationships all the time never have time to work on themselves, resulting in excess-baggage-filled unions. It's not a good time.
@x_UNF0RGiVEN@xanga - Not the case at all. There is nothing to direct. We both like each other, appreciate each other, and somehow, these wrong turns keep happening. If telling girls that cheating on me, blabbing endlessly about your ex or abandoning me without at least one message per week is telling them how it is going to go, then most of us are all selfish. Because I really don't know any other way for it to go. Every relationship I have been in, I have learned from both love in general and my mistakes. And I don't know if those who made their mistakes with me even either regretted it or thought about it...all except one. But that was only 1 out of a majority of girls I dated.
@Footballblogs@xanga - Did I forget to mention it was mostly the girls who wanted to be in a relationship with me? Out of all the 11 or 12, I have only asked out 3 that I was interested in and really liked. All of which I tried to get to know BEFORE dating. No settling indeed. So, by your definition, I guess I am ready to be a boyfriend after all. I do love myself, I don't settle for just any girl and I don't ask out just any girl that is nice to me, last but not least, I have learned to spend time with myself my whole life. It's getting the point where the more time I spend with myself, the more sick I get of myself. Which is why fro m this day forward, no more girlfriends. More friends or company this time round.
Haha this post reminds me of the song "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz.
I have to disagree with the post saying you shouldn't tell someone you might cheat. I don't like cheating at all, but at least you are honest enough to tell someone you've done this before so they'd know the risks.
I personally wonder if I'm good for a relationship. I can be committed just fine. It's just there's a lot about me to accept and I struggle with relationships. But, there's nothing wrong with feeling this is not a good time for one. I think it's better than rushing into one or being with someone just because you miss the feeling of being with someone.
I've never been in a serious relationship and I'm pretty young to even think about it (16), but at the moment while I'd love to be in one I feel like I'm unfit to do so. I'm a very clingy person and a very jealous person. I feel like those two traits of mine would destroy any relationship and I hate it. I want to give myself at least one chance to have a serious relationship. I want to experience the ups and downs of falling in love and all of that, but I also feel like I could totally wreck it just being the selfish person that I am.
Sooo I really agree with this post and I like it a lot. You sound considerate.
I feel like that sometimes. but then I remember life is kind of like that Five for Fighting song 'Its not easy to be me', "even heroes have the right to bleed... the right to dream...". So even though I sometimes become cynical and even indifferent towards love and women, I always try to remember that the grass isn't always greener, especially when the temptations to have "flings" comes a knockin'. So I suppose the best thing you can do is trust your feelings. When you're ready to pursue a serious relationship with a girl, you'll know it.
He clearly said he wanted to say all this carefully because it's obviously a tough subject to word correctly/the way it really is, yet everyone is quoting him and using his words against him. Come on people, that's why you all have relationship problems. you over-think things, and take words way too literally. Just my thoughts. I do the same, I realize it but I hope this helps some people.
At least you're aware of it, and you're not putting yourself or another girl in the way of heartache.
I know I'm not ready, but because I tend to overthink and overanalyze things.
I feel the same way. Like I'm not ready to have a gf except I've never had a gf.
Like I want to wait till I'm fully or almost fully independent upon myself and fix my negatives so that I may be a better person in the future. So then when I am dating this girl I don't have to 'think' about where I am going or what I am doing. I already know. I mainly want to fix qualities within my self so that I can become a better more complete person.
@Footballblogs@xanga - I really do agree with the steps that you have mapped out for this guy, but it is just the plain old truth. In my opinion I think majority of men just settle for the girls that like them and never put fourth any effort to go for them ladies that they are genuinely attracted too which is a very wrong and odd way of thinking. We men have to take the time out and seriously reflect on our past relationships and experiences so we can can get a better understanding of our mistakes and make corrections where it is needed. If you can not look back in your past in the present how can you build for your future? Mind you past-present-future. That is how life has been and that is how life will remain we need to think open up our minds and let this ego or whatever emotion is hindering us from progress.