Tuesday, 19 July 2011
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I'm Being Nice By Being Mean To You
So you get hit on by a guy that you are not attracted to in any way shape or form and you don't want to be rude so you humor him. He ends up getting your number from one of your friends and texts you asking you to hang out and you think continuing to talk to this guy and being nice is in fact the right thing to do. Wrong. I know a great amount of girls who string along a guy because they don't want to make him feel rejected or hurt but the real truth is that rejecting someone would be better and actually the nicer thing to do.In the long run you'll lead on this person that you had no intention of even looking at twice and they will have wasted their time thinking you're just playing hard to get. That being said I find myself being rude to guys who won't take the hint, that way I'm not leading them on, stringing them along or any other term you use for being nice to a guy you don't like. I know, why shouldn't you be nice to people?
If you're a sweet person and you enjoy being social and friendly having another friend never hurt anyone. But being nice to a guy who you think is just being friendly really isn't interested in the type of book you're reading, he's interested in dating you. So don't listen to your girlfriends who tell you to "Be nice!" because "being mean" to a guy you are not interested in is better for him in the long run.
What do you think about being nice to guys you aren't interested in? Would you consider that stringing along a guy's emotions? Is it better to just be mean?
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About the Author
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- From: CarlyPaige
- About Me: Currently I am a college student studying English and Education. A true monogamist, I have only had 2 serious boyfriends but have been single for 2 years. The dating scene in college is complicated to say the least and here I will share with you my experiences, my friends experiences, both past and present as an example of what to do when confronted with awkwardness, confusion and love.
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Comments (41)
I don't think you need to be "mean" to give off the "not interested" signal. It doesn't work if you're single, but often mentioning one's boyfriend early on is enough to dissuade them (since I've been in a relationship for several years, this has become a good strategy for me, hah). Otherwise, just casually mention you're looking for "friends," and if they ask you out, you can always either say you're not interested without being a bitch about it or say "Sure, if we keep it platonic. Can I bring some friends?"
It isn't being mean, it is being realistic. Men who aren't interested in a woman tell them all the time. Only the immature ones that aren't ready to be in a real relationship can't handle rejection. I don't get the whole be nice mentality that some women have. You don't have to be a bitch about turning a guy down. Telling him that you are flattered but you aren't interested in him in the same way should suffice. Most guys are usually cool about it. Heck, I've meet some my best male friends like this.
GOING THROUGH THIS EXACT THING RIGHT NOW! this guy i met in one of my classes sent me his number through a facebook message to "hang out", so i decided i would go see a movie with him, but i think he took it the wrong way and began texting me non stop pretty much every single day after that for like 3 weeks. i felt bad so i would respond but eventually i stopped and i thought he got the message but man was i was wrong because 2 months later of no contact he texted me this weekend asking if i wanted to see a movie with him again. i decided to just not even answer his text, i felt really really really bad but its really for the best. i still feel bad because he was really a nice guy, i just wasnt into the guy at all
Agreed. I would appreciate a women who told me, no I am not interested in you in that way, but was willing to be friends. However, the boundaries have to be clear from the start.
yeah, this is pretty complicated, i never know the right thing to do
YES it is stringing someone along. if you dont see yourself with them. and its clear thats what they want. you cant be friends. some people, you're able to be friends. it can depend.
you dont have to be mean, just be real. say 'sorry we have no future, " i see nothing wrong or mean about that. im sure anyone would prefer that over someone being fake or rude.
when the guy asks me where I went or why I haven't talked to him, I usually tell him that I've been busy talking to another guy. that often bums them out, but sometimes they are still persistent and ask to hang out, so I start telling him all about how great this other guy that I'm interested in is. I didn't feel bad about it because I found out that this guy was a player, and I was just one amongst many other females that he has been trying to get with, so he acted like a nice guy and wanted to string me along and made it seem as if I was the bad guy. some men can be just as manipulative.
...if someone got my number from someone else and started texting me, I'd be mad. I'd tell them flat out that they had no right to do that and it was rude, and if they want to text me they'd better ask ME for my number.
I've had guys ask for my number, and I just laugh at them and say no. If they ask to hang out, I just say no or I'm not comfortable with that. Then move on with the conversation. No biggie.I don't think you have to be mean. Just say no, with the appropriate repulsed body language.
I wouldn't call it being mean, but more about being direct. Being direct isn't mean and I much prefer a girl be direct with me than stringing me along.
I agree with the above comments. I don't think that telling the truth and being mean are the same thing. You can be honest about your lack of interest in him without being a jerk about it. Just politely say thanks, you're flattered, etc, but you're not interested, or go the other way and say sure, as long as it's platonic, make it a group thing, etc. It's not meanness--it's polite honesty.
I blatantly tell them, " Look, I don't like you. I don't find you attractive, and I don't want to be in any kind of relationship with you, ever." If I have to be rude, I will, cause I don't have the heart or the energy to string guys on.
I agree with this post 100%
Especially this:
>But being nice to a guy who you think is just being friendly really isn't interested in the type of book >you're reading, he's interested in dating you
Very true!
If a guy says to you that you have nice shoes, it means he's a) gay or b) he is to shy to tell you he thinks you have nice legs.
Just tell him you just looking to be friends with him, and nothing else. Then it's his choice whether he still wants to talk to you.
sometimes if you're mean, they like you even more cause you're a "challenge"
@CaptSharkey@xanga - The not attractive part is kind of mean..no need to kill his ego too much.
Don't be rude. Be firm.
Often times people don't know the difference. It's an important difference.
@Kittyluve@xanga - I think letting them know that I don't find them attractive is key. It probably had nothing to do with looks, but to me they weren't attractive. Once they know that, then they get that I don't like them. There has been many time were I just say "I don't like you" and they don't believe me, or they don't catch the drift. I just cut the lead before it gets too long.
Rudeness isn't necessary at all, all you need to do is be straightforward with how you feel. Whenever I was rejected with rudeness I called the woman a b**** and moved on to somebody better, I don't have time for rudeness.
Your friends are jerks if they give guys your number without your permission. I'd be pissed if one of my friends did that to me!
Also, I think being rude is totally unnecessary. Be honest, but be nice.
WHY do we feel the need to rationalize it and say that it's "actually nicer"? Why are we so consumed with the idea that we must be nice, all the time, to the point where when a mean action is necessary, we have to twist it and say that it's really nice?
Gah. I'm more concerned with being honest (and tactful) than being nice all the damn time. If this situation happened to me, I would tell a guy no, while still being respectful of his dignity as much as possible.
That said, there has been a couple of dudes who refused to listen, and after many attempts at simply saying, "no", I had to tell them exactly why I wasn't interested and would never be interested.
What do you think about being nice to guys you aren't interested in? Would you consider that stringing along a guy's emotions? Is it better to just be mean?
This actually happened between my boyfriend and I. I had no interest in him but I didn't wanna be mean and turn a cold shoulder all of a sudden since he was also a mutual friend. I agreed to date him but I also flat out told him that I had no interest in him and that I liked his friend, yes. I'm cruel but hey he agreed to the terms. No I did not flirt with his friend or anything after that but it meant that if I wasn't appearing lovey dovey - he'll know why. But now it's a whole new story, I've fallen for him and I appear to be a clingy girlfriend now. :P
I was sort of dating this guy to see where it would lead, but I realized I wasn't attracted to him. I told him that we wouldn't ever become a couple, but he insisted on hanging out. I didn't mind this because I liked his company, but I could tell he was still in flirty mode. I felt like I was stringing him along, so I said point blank "I'm just not attracted to you." I felt like an asshole but it got the message across.
I think there are different levels. I'm working on this right now because I've lost weight and dudes are starting to hit on me and I'm trying to guage each situation and the most diplomatic way to handle it. I start with polite but firm, and always mention within the first few sentences that I'm in a serious relationship. That works with the reasonable and nice guys, and if they quit trying to pick me up, I may chat about off-topic crap for awhile. If I have to keep telling them I'm not interested again and again, I'm going to get more firm and snippy.
IF, after 10 "no's" and a mention of being engaged and attempting to ignore them, that is when I'm going to get rude because I find it EXTREMELY rude behavior to keep macking on a girl after she has already told you 10 times she isn't interested in you. I've always been a really nice person and sometimes a pushover, and sorry, but sometimes you really do have to be rude because some people are dumb and don't take the polite refusal or even the ignoring and firm refusal and require more drastic measures.
There are some guys out there that think their shit is so awesome that they just don't take no for an answer. They can't understand or fathom why a woman would not be into them, and they honest-to-God believe that if they sweet-talk you like a player, they can get you to ditch your man and go home with them. THOSE are the ones that you have to be a bitch to.
I don't believe one needs to be mean to get the point across that he/she is not interested. I think honesty is the best policy. But then again, sometimes your first impression of a person can be very wrong. I do understand why someone would rather say no at the beginning than to stick around for a couple dates only to find that you're not compatible. You don't want to lead anyone on, because that would be more mean in the end. I do agree, that you shouldn't listen to your friends telling you to be nice. It is not the situation at all. I don't think it has anything with being nice or mean, being truthful is the key.