Tuesday, 19 July 2011
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What's a Good Answer to: "Why Do You Love Me?"
"I love you." The first time someone says it to you, it should be special, and by special I'm not implying moonlight, music, and an eight course meal. I just mean it should be meaningful, so that it is conveyed to the person as sincere as it was meant. When those three words are said, it's not always necessarily mutual, but if it is it just makes it that much more wonderful for both people.
However, after the butterflies cool down, the moment sinks in a little more and you and your significant other begin to take a minute to gaze into each others eyes, that is when the question arises: Why?It's a pretty fair question to ask. If you're going to make such a profoundly meaningful and serious statement, shouldn't you know why?
I used to think there should be an explanation for everything. I mean I understand that certain things just can't be explained, but in terms of the majority of things that happen in our daily lives, I've always believed there should be a reason, until now.
I had someone say it to me romantically only once in my life. After he said it, I posed the question expecting some kind of incredible answer. His reply? "I don't know."
Had I been holding a balloon at the time he gave me his response, it would have deflated with a sound effect to match the expression on my face. "I don't know?" How do you not know? He tried to smooth it over by explaining that I make him feel happy, and that he loves everything that I am, and my personality, but after his first response, I couldn't pay attention to anything, but the echo of "I don't know."
Later that night I started to think, what answer would have sufficed in my book? I came up with some things, but in a way many of my artificial answers were corny and not real. I felt like I needed a friend's opinion so I called up one of my girlfriends, and it was through her that she gave me a perspective I hadn't considered. She brought up the movie, The Ugly Truth.
Now, before you judge, as much as it may be cheesy, movies do shape our thoughts on life whether we want to admit it or not. My girlfriend mentioned the scene where Katherine Heigl asks the guy she's been dating why he likes her, and he starts listing a bunch of cliche qualities. Later when Gerard Butler admits that he loves Katherine Heigl and she asks him why he literally says, "Beats the shit out of me."
For some reason, after my friend laid it out in that context, I preferred Butler's answer over the other guy because regardless of the fact that it wasn't sugar coated, it was real, and that's more important than any kind of bullshit list.The next time I saw my guy, he said he loved me again, and that time I didn't question it one bit.
Is there a right answer? Or is "I love you" another one of those unexplainable things?
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About the Author
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- From: savyadvice
- About Me: Born and raised in NYC, I am about to be a senior in college, and still feel clueless about exactly what I'm going to do after I graduate. For most of my life, I haven't been involved in anything too serious except for one relationship 2 years ago and one that is progressively getting serious now. Dating can be really exciting or extremely stressful sometimes, I'm excited to try and unblur (just coined a new word) the fine lines between the two here on this site. =)
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Comments (22)
Varies between couples and people. Some people say its a chemical in our bodies that we believe its time to mate, others may believe its a connection that only you and your SO can have that no one else will ever share.
Opinions do not have right or wrong answers.
well when my boyfriend told me he loved me i didn't feel the need to ask "why", we'd been best friends for 5 years, had an AMAZING first kiss, and then 2 weeks later after he counted down the days til i got home from school, one of those awesome "all-day" dates. i knew when he first asked me to be his girlfriend that i loved him, i think we were both just waiting for the right moment. when you know, you know.
My ex always used to say I don't know. It bothered me because I felt like he didn't really love me, he loved the idea of being in love with me. Which turned out to be true. But it was because he had started out our relationship by always telling me the things he loved so much about me that drew him to me in the first place. So when he finally said he loved me, and I asked him why, the answer "I don't know" just kind of didn't do it for me. Whereas, the guy I dated before him when I asked, told me he didn't know why, he just felt like it was right. Even though we're not together, and haven't seen each other for more than a year now, he still loves me. Perhaps it's more in not knowing why it works, and not over analyzing it trying to find out the perfect combination of things that make up why you love someone?
Yes, you should know why you love someone. Otherwise you're just trusting that giddy lustful feeling, which can go as quickly as it came on. Love should be based in reality and logic anyway.
dont question it. let them love you, and love in return.
its the best thing you can do for yourself.
Nowadays, my naswer to that is "oh no. You aren't putting me through that again. You answer first." And if she has no answer other than "I just do", I squash it and say, "if that answer is good enough for you, then it's good enough for me."
I've been in situations where I tell my girlfriends I love them all the time, and even told them why I loved thme right on the spot. I never got any reasons back.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - I love you because you're sweet, smart, gentle, caring, can hold a conversation, you listen well, you're a very good and important friend, and my life is so much emptier without you.
@RaggyDoll@xanga - (hugs) This is why the lucky man that is dating you is extremely lucky.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - He's too busy for me and he consumes my thoughts. Please call me tonight. I am upset, he changed his phone number.
My husband could have told me he loved me because I smelled like pomegranates all the time and I wouldn't have cared any less. When someone loves you, that should be enough.
@DarkWaver@xanga - True
I used to ask my boyfriends this question all the time.
While my past three boyfriends always told me reasons like "Oh, you're very pretty and super nice and we go well together," my most recent boyfriend said: "That's for me to know." I was like, "Why won't you tell me?" "Not quite yet, babe." And two weeks later, we broke up... eh.
But honestly I agree with you. Be honest, it's the best thing someone can do.
"Why do you love me?" is a loaded question. You should know that you're an awesome person who deserves love. Asking "why do you love me?" actually makes you seem to other people like you don't love yourself enough.
Imagine, for a moment, that some one came into a store where you work and told you "I wish to purchase this lamp for my house, for I do love it so" and you asked them "why do you love it?", you would be implying they had bad taste in lamps.
A better question might be "what qualities about me do you find attractive?" for that is an answerable question. Nobody knows why we love (some people posit it's something to do with perpetuating the species), but we do, and we all deserve to be loved.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - The lamp example is quite an interesting one.
I do agree that it is a loaded question, and one that I have posed to previous SO. For me, it's not so much whether they have a good answer, but whether they have a bad one. I feel there is a profound difference between infatuation and consummate love, and I admittedly listen in an attempt to determine whether a guy is merely infatuated with me. I wouldn't fault him for it, but I think the word "love" gets tossed around. It's also horribly awkward not to say "I love you too", even when you don't want to.
I have never asked this question because I am so not good answering questions like these on the spot. I know why I love my boyfriend, it just hard for me to put it into words.
I have been guilty of that crime: "why do you love me?" many times, esp with my fiance. And he always used to muster some reason to satisfy why I ask this question but he decided to just answer it with: "I love you because I do. Even though you drive me nuts sometimes, I do really love you."
That's the best one. We went through reason. Now we're at a stage where a "reason" is no longer necessary, it's the fact that we really do love each other that counts. Why? Just cause....
I asked my now husband that and he said the same thing. I don't think guys can answer that many times because they think we're looking for one specific answer and if they get it wrong, they fail. It's a scary, loaded question for most guys to answer.
@lyrra_askavi@xanga - Well, that could be considered kind of cruel, considering it's pretty hard for one party to bring that sort of emotional weight to the table and using that response seems like the response of a car shopper asking the salesman to "show me the car fax", but if the test works for you and helps you find good SO's, more power to you, I guess.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - I don't really consider it a test or cruel. The natural response when I ask seems to be "why do you ask?". I explain my reasoning to them. It's not a test or a game, and I tell them why I ask and why I feel that way.
@lyrra_askavi@xanga - Well it's good that you're up front about it and explain that it has more to do with you figuring out what they mean by "love". Many people could really take it the wrong way. Also, if lots of people are using the big "L" word to describe their feelings toward you, you must be doing SOMETHING right
@FireMapleSong@xanga - I used to be a really bad relationship partner because I would hide things or be vague about what I wanted/needed from a partner, and in striving to improve that I have a 100% open and honest policy. It's working pretty well for me.
It's a natural thing to be curious as to why someone loves you, for many reasons.
However, if you are unsatisfied with their love for you alone and wish for an explanation as to why they love you, you're going to be unsatisfied with their answer. Esp. if it's 'You've got a great rack.'