Sunday, 17 July 2011
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Getting Hurt More By Friendships than By Relationships
There have been many times in my life when I have sat at a computer screen crying because I wasn't invited to a party or I saw a hurtful post a girlfriend put on the ever-helpful Facebook. The pain that friends can inflict may be the worst and hardest the handle there is in the world. Friends are supposed to be forever, at least that's what I was always taught growing up: "boyfriends will come and go but your girlfriends will always be with you." Well, is it possible that the opposite is true?
Why is that friends leave such big impacts on our lives? The worst break-ups I have ever dealt with have been with my best girl friends. I have never once been in such agony over a man. Girls have the capacity to wound in subtle ways, ways that guys cannot even fathom.
To guys, our way of fighting is foreign. When guys want out, they generally cut all ties. When girls want out, they will make you wish you were never born. Not only hurting you directly, but making sure that all of your mutual friends will despise you as well. Girls carry a much sharper knife in their back pockets than men do, and they will use it to stab you in the back as soon as you aren't looking.
Sure, there are exceptions to the sharp knife analogy, and I have been lucky enough to find some of them, but my overall experience has taught me that as a general rule of thumb: NEVER trust a girl.
Maybe its because girls don't fall in love with me like guys do, maybe having no romantic feelings towards me makes them immune to having any compassion for me. However, I find this hard to believe. I'm not in love with my friends and, believe it or not, I don't feel the need to ruin their lives.
Have you ever had to "break-up" with your friends? Did it hurt ever more than ending a relationship? Do you ever feel more hurt by your friends than by your significant others?
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- From: thesecondlizomnibus@xanga
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Comments (20)
People will always encounter those friends that hurt you constantly, but you have to realize those friends aren't really friends. I used to have many many friends in high school, but now I have only two or three good friends that I still see on a regular basis.
Also, I think when it comes to significant others it varies. There will be those few people that always seem to find the great guys, while for majority of us we seem to keep hitting duds. I can tell you one thing though, I know quite a few girls that think guys are way more harmful than friends and vice versa.
You just have to realize, those people who hurt you, and make you cry all the time aren't really worth having in your life, whether it be a significant other or a friend. It's always easier to cut the loose ends earlier on in your life instead of waiting and having these decisions become more and more difficult.
this is why our world is never going to move forward. with women like you saying "never trust a girl", "girls carry a sharper knife", about other women, we stop ourselves from forming healthy and neccesary relationships with our own gender. it also seems to be implying it's stupid and dangerous to be friends with a woman but great to be in a romantic relationship with her - what an awful, awful thing to say!
i think you're finding the wrong people at the wrong time in their lives, and surely that must be hurtful to deal with time and time again, but it still does not vaguely justify making such a sweeping generalization about all women.
maybe there is a reason people don't want to invite you to their parties, etc, that isn't rooted with them - but with you. could this ever be possible? perhaps that girl isn't a backstabbing bad to the bone bitch, maybe you honestly did something to hurt and upset her!
hmm....at first I was thinking "I don't think girls are like this" but then I realized I only have a two girl friends and they are my best friends. So maybe deep down I agree with you and that is why I don't even try to be friends with girls. But I don't have a ton of guy friends either, I always thought that was because I am shy and I want my friendships to be deep or nothing. I did grow up with two older sisters though so I do believe I know women well. I believe women are generally nicer than guys because women really care, guys don't generally ever act like they deeply care about you unless you are a serious couple. But because of this guys never deeply hurt you either they don't care enough, girls care always strongly one way or another. Whether it is jealousy or a sense of injury or betrayal they want to cut deep. Even my best friends when they want to say something that hurts, know just exactly what to say.
@haltija@xanga - Thank you. I agree that these statements are harmful.
As for the post.
My friends who were girls never had break-ups. Rather, we would slowly grow apart and that was it.
I had a break-up with my best friend who was a guy because, although we were attracted to each other, we were way too young and over-dramatic to make a move. One night he just said, "I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble. You'll never hear from me again."
And then he hung up on me.
Sadly...I didn't call him back. I just looked at the phone, put it down, and then went to bed.
I never felt so empty in my life. I still wonder what would have happened if I called back.
Yes, that was way harder than any of my break-ups for relationships.
I can relatae to this so much especially.."When guys want out, they generally cut all ties. When girls want out, they will make you wish you were never born. Not only hurting you directly, but making sure that all of your mutual friends will despise you as well."
I haven't had any female friends for 6 years. I guess I've been waiting for them all to grow up.
You can't just put girls into one big category though. I am a girl and I would never and have never done anything to hurt my friends or make them feel left out. I am also very trust worthy....So it sucks when every girl is on the defense when they see your female as well. They look at every other female as a threat. "I'll hurt you before you hut me".
This post came at a perfect time. I officially ended a friendship of mine two days ago. This consisted of the bitch ignoring me for two fucking days because I said something that pissed her off, so I texted her and told her that I guessed our friendship was over - not expecting her to agree and say that she wished me the best. So, I unloaded on her and told her exactly what I thought of her, since there's been tension for months thanks to her toolbox boyfriend and the many ways in which she changed. She's the type of girl who is led around by a dick - literally - she decided to move to Orlando with him after having dated for two months, crossing half of the country. She JUST graduated high school and is giving up a scholarship at a college near her home.
I'm just venting because I'm pissed, but I feel better since I told her what kind of person she was. The kicker, though, was that she didn't respond. Words hurt, but indifference breaks the heart, and nobody's better at that than a girl. My worst breakups have been with my close girl friends, because you think you're so close, you think they have your back, but what I've found is that my fiance has always been there for me. I take him over any girl I know, and I don't feel that I'm making a mistake. Fuck toxic friendships and fuck that expression, that your girls will always be there, because they so very rarely will be.
@haltija@xanga - It's not about stopping our ability to form healthy relationships. Never trusting again - that statement could be taken with a grain of salt out of feeling hurt from a friendship initially breaking up. Toxic friendships are what the OP is talking about, I believe, and they consist of women who ARE backstabbers. Just because we're talking about women right now doesn't mean we're being anti-feminist. We don't have to include men in every conversation.
@ohforrealson@xanga - that was a really good comment. i definately agree.
i like this topic. i think friends hurt more because you kind of expect them to be there. yet you're aware guys will end. but really its all in the same. most will not get the perfect friends, or the perfect guy, right off the bat. and we all will probably have to go through some not so good things to realize who our real friends are, who really matters and whose really down for us.
i disagree with the poster who said guys dont care as much. yeah right. they definately care, and honestly they've always been a lot more honest, sensitive and dependable. while really in the past year or two girls have done every bad thing imaginable. i handle things like a guy though, if we're done or dont have much future i will cut you off. never give psychos room for more. ever. if someone doesnt respect or care about you, or value who you are- leave. and never look back.
@xxfl1@xanga - It does take time to figure out who's really there... it doesn't seem to be about who was there the longest, so much as it's about who's been there CONSISTENTLY. Being let down by people over and over again, whether you've known them for ten years or ten months or two weeks, it throws them all on the same level.
There's something to be said about cutting people out of your life who only drag you down. It's just so hard for girls, I think, because we desire closure so much. I'm not sure why it seems to be easier for guys to let go, just like that. Well, many guys, I'm trying not to generalize
I was also friends with the guys I've dated, so no, it didn't hurt more or less than ending platonic friendships. They are just two different types of relationships, both will hurt in their own ways.
As for the whole 'never trust a girl' bit, that's incredibly silly. It depends on the person and saying that is incredibly disrespectful to their individuality. You should trust everyone, regardless of gender. Sure you'll be hurt if the feelings aren't reciprocated and/or they end up being jerks. But you're doing yourself a great disservice by holding back your true feelings.
One of my best friends is probably someone I shouldn't spend so much time with, but now that we're so close it's hard to imagine just cutting her loose. She really isn't very nice to me all the time though. I mean we have fun together but she frequently makes me feel stupid and annoying. My boyfriend however is so hyper aware of my feelings. So I get what you're saying and kind of agree with it.
i think you need to stop hanging around people that upset you so much. not all girls want to stab you in the back. of course there are bad girls that want to make your life hell. but don't go around saying stupid statements like "never trust a girl" sorry that just really pissed me off. i would never back stab a friend. no matter what she did. i am the type that is like if you fuck me over, i am done with you. maybe you should learn the same. btw i don't have a fb primarily for that reason. i don't want to feel like i am missing out.
The thing about friends is...I think that you know you don't have to live in the same house forever, so you continually give them chances and take what they throw at you, knowing you can go home and be without them. With significant others, you are hoping to find that person to spend your life with...so if you can't deal with it in small doses, there isn't a way in hell you will be able to live with them, so you drop them. I actually feel as though my friends, male and female, can just be downright mean to me. They make "jokes" that aren't really jokes, attack my personality, and so on...and as much as they can make me feel like crap, I know that I really enjoy hanging out with them when they aren't doing it. I dunno...I guess a significant other has less chances because I'm looking for that one person.
Yes, I have. I have never "fell in love" with anyone, so I have yet to experience that part but I feel like friends do carry a huge impact in my life. The ones that are out-there-to-ruin your life, well, be glad that they are not your friends anymore.
I've had break-ups with my best girl friends. It' sucks but, we tried to be friends, we talked about it, but we started walking on different paths. I miss her, I miss the good times we had together but we weren't "clicking" like we used to anymore. She was getting annoyed, I was getting pissed-off. It was just unhealthy.
We're still friends, more like acquaintances now but it's not like I hate her or anything, it's just we moved on.
Yes, I felt hurt more with my friends than any guy I've ever liked. It's because I trust them, I treasure them, and I put them ahead of everything else. When they shit-talk, back-stab, lose my trust, and say mean things, it gets to me. In my opinion, my girlfriends are ahead of ANY GUY, ANY DAY. Yes, guys do come and go. GOOD Friends stay forever, regardless the circumstances.
Yes I have been more hurt by so called "friends" than guys. I agree the guy I'm hanging out with now has been more of a friend to me than my so called girl friends. I have fought with most of my friends one time or another, I've even defriended my guy at least three times when I was pissed at him, but this past year he's been the bestest friend I've ever had. So my friends make a big deal about me defriending them that they won't add me back again and will be civil for the most part whenever they see me in public, but they'll add back an ex that did worse to them. And they wonder why I put a guy before them whenever something happens. I think that fighting is important because it shows who's willing to work out the differences in the end and be a real friend. It depends on what someone did on whether or not I would be their "friend" again.
Like you, I've seen some of my friends who I thought I was included in that group yet they constantly made plans without me coming up with some lame excuse saying I talk about this or that all the time so they don't want to invite me because I don't say anything new. And I'm thinking are you serious, they pull that same shit, too. It's ridiculous.
I was fed up with them flaunting that they all had a good time with each other all over facebook that I ended up going on a mass facebook defriending spree. I'm not surprised I got 4 missed phone calls and a bunch of texts the next day asking why I defriended them.
What hurts the most is that before a group of girls and one of my guy friends hung out with each other that I knew, they weren't making any efforts to see each other at all. I was the one who ultimately brought them together just to have them all ditch me. Before they would start hanging out with each other, they would always hang out with me individually but never together. They would always talk about making plans with each other but it never followed through until one day we finally had a get together and ever since then they were reminded of how much fun they've had with each other, they've forgotten to ask me to hang out. I was thinking WTF I am so sick of this high school crap after high school. I didn't mind if we all hung out but they didn't ask me once they started hanging out with each other again.
I've even had my guy tell me once that all who he has been hanging out with lately and wants to hang out with lately was me or 2 and 3 of his other guy friends and that's it. everyone else he doesn't care about.
I only have one or two real girl friends and the rest who are girl "friends" are mainly acquaintances.
Agreed.
A "breakup" with one of my closest friends has been harder for me than any breakup besides when I ended my engagement almost four years ago. I don't know if it is a gender thing. But, aside from one guy a long time ago, I feel at least none of the guys I've been with have tried to do mind games when arguments occurred or get people to side with them etc.
Yes.
I agree. I feel like the only one in the world, but i always seem to have a great boyfriend but i can't ever seem to find a true good friend that won't stab me in the back. i dont even talk to anyone but my boyfriend right now, all my "true" friends think i'm not important enough.
My best friend and I recently had a fall out that was very messy and left me devastated. I miss her so much. It's like a part of me is gone. Friends are someone ethat I feel like you get even closer with than a boyfriend. It sucks all around.