Saturday, 16 July 2011
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How Often Can You Have Sex Before It's Considered Too Much?
I'm an open minded person, so discussing sex doesn't bother me. But to some of my friends it bothers the hell out of them, especially for one particular one. I'll call her Abby. Now Abby she is in a committed relationship of 3 years with her fiancee. Both her SO and herself work very time consuming jobs, but they both love the challenges.
While on my break from work, Abby called me and told me that she wanted my advice on something personal. So kinda taken aback by her request (because she NEVER usually asks advice on anything), "shoot" came flapping through my lips.
Abby: "When you and (fiancee's name) were living together, how often were you having sex? Because I know both of you had full-time jobs and plus you were going to school then."
At that moment when I heard her ask that, I was wondering to myself, what was she hiding?
Me: "Well, five times a week, to be honest."
Abby: "Are you lying to me, that doesn't seem possible."
Me: "Have I ever lied to you about anything?"
Abby: "I swear to God you're lucky."
Me: "Well can't consider myself lucky now, I only get sex once or twice a year if I'm lucky when I go to visit my fiancee out in Hawaii. But what's with the question, something going on with you and (her boyfriend)?"
Abby: "Okay, well... I tried to initiate sex for the last couple days and he's been blowing me off. So finally, we had sex yesterday."
Me: "Uh huh."
Abby: "And when I wanted to go again, he basically pulled away and told me 'sex once a week is enough' and went to bed."
For once I was left dumbfounded. I've heard women say 'sex once a week is enough' but for a guy to say that, something was up. I questioned that maybe he's just been tired, but she came back with the response, "I get home tired too, but I always have energy to want that intimacy with him." I pondered for a bit over possibilities with what might have him not wanting to have sex more often, but with every theory I came up with she seemed to be skeptical.
She went over how she tried dressing up in lingerie and heels, to just coming to bed naked and nothing came out of both her plans. Now for me, if my guy didn't get excited with me coming to bed in lingerie or just being naked next to him several times and with him not responding. I would think something is hugely wrong.
So the next day, I got a phone call from Abby's boyfriend. The instant I picked up the phone, I got the most uncalled for yelling in my ear. He was probably screaming at me for about 5 minutes, until I finally got him to calm down so I could understand what he was yelling at me for.
Me: What the hell am I being yelled at for?
Abby's Boyfriend: Abby told me how she was jealous of your sex relationship with (fiancee's name), and that she wished we did it more often like you do. Well I'll tell you what, sex is not a big thing for me. I don't appreciate sluts like you telling people how many times a week a couple needs to have sex.
Me: (okay at this point, I'm pissed and more so confused that I ever suggested to Abby that they should be having sex five times a week) I never said anything like that, all I---
Abby's boyfriend: Listen, sex once in a while is sufficient for both men and women. I don't need your morals brushing over mine or Abby's so get out of our sex lives. *click*
I spent the next hour talking to Abby about what she had told her boyfriend about our conversation and why the hell I was on the receiving end of all of it. She then ended up telling me that she thought that using my relationship as an example to have more sex was an ideal motivator for her boyfriend.
We spoke for a few more minutes before I finally hung up the phone with her, I sat for awhile trying to fathom the fact that Abby should of realized she mostly likely--and actually did--hurt her man's feelings. But one question lingered: was sex once a week enough and was me having sex five times times a week way too much?
Picking up the phone, I dialed my fiancee and asked him probably the dumbest question in the world to him, "Babe is having sex five times a week too much?"
I heard silence on the other end before he coughed and said, "What....?"
Me: "Okay let me put it this way: when is having sex too much?"
Fiancee: "Uh never, as long as it's with the person you love."
Me: "Is sex once a week sufficient?"
Fiancee: "Hahahaha, well for some people, but for others it ain't. Why do you ask?"
Me: "Long story, I'll tell you about it later. Thanks babe."
Fiancee: "I mean if you want sex once a week, I can hold off, but seeing as we only see each for 1-2 weeks a year. I don't know how that would work."
Me: "No no no, hahahaha."
So my question to all the Xangans out there:
How often do have to have sex before it is considered too much?
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- From: Jade_Alasdair@xanga
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- About Me: "Live.Laugh.Love." â–² Life has no limitations, except the ones you make. -- Les Brown â–² "Don't compromise yourself, you are all you've got.~Janis Joplin "There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but, trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever" ~Ally McBeal Immature love says "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you."~Erich Fromm The couple that fights the most is the one most in love... it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring.~Shawna Waltemyer Being an intellectual crea
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Comments (92)
Well this definitely varies between couples.
Since I have never done it, I would say when it becomes twice or three times or more per day.
When I've got mine 4 times in a session, that's about enough for me. After that it's overkill.
It depends on the person. And why does there have to be something up with a male that doesn't want to have sex all the time. Men have variation in their sex drive just like women.
I wouldn't have let that guy yell at me, I would have told him that he needed to discuss the mismatch in sex drives with his girlfriend. I wouldn't have even felt the need to explain myself to him. I would, however, tell my girlfriend to keep her trap shut about conversations that we have and to check her boyfriend because the next time he calls me a slut he will be using a voice that is a few octaves higher..
I don't think there's such a thing as too much or too little sex. I have a strong sex drive others may not be so interested; nothing is wrong with either. It's the imbalance that's the problem. When one half of the couple wants more or less and isn't happy when they don't get it that causes relationship trouble.
For me and my boyfriend it can be 5 - 6 times in one day or just 5 times a week. Depends on if we're tired and we're actually together, haha. It's just we can't keep our hands off each other. I'd like to say it's because we're so new into our relationship, but it's been a few months now and I've never craved it with any ex like this.
According to your friend's boyfriend, that makes me a slut though hahah. He sounds like a dick. If it means so much for her to be intimate with him like that and he's rejecting her, she's never going to be satisfied with him.
I thought we were keeping our noses out of each others' bedrooms.
Your boyfriend sounds very sweet :)
But uh, as much as either party wants to do it? Hopefully you all have compatible sex drives...
I don't know how Abby's boyfriend can call you a slut if you're having sex with the same person.
if he doesn't want sex, then at least cuddle or say things to make her smile to show his love. if a guy that I'm with makes excuses to put in any effort because it is asking for too much, then the relationship seems pretty much over if it is mostly one sided effort.
Wow. For him to call you like that is completely out of line. Has he demonstrated any other controlling or assholeish tendencies? Because this smacks of a guy with issues.
But to your question: there is no set limit on how much sex one should or should not have. It all depends on the people in the relationship. But I have a feeling that this relationship won't last. Not if her sex-drive is higher than his. I mean, honestly, all couples drop into a slump now and again. But if your friend is concerned, then she should maybe go with her gut on this one. There may, indeed, be something else going on. Especially if he got so upset that he felt the need to shift the problem to your shoulders. That's one insecure (maybe guilty?) man.
-Katie
that's ridiculous. everyone is different, including the two people within the relationship. two people's sex drives may not be the same. it's not your problem that your friend got jealous - it's her and her boyfriend's issue. if sex is really THAT important to her, her boyfriend should totally accept that. i'm sorry you got yelled at! i hope that guy realizes how much of a douche he was being!
Honestly it's different for every couple. You're friend needs to realize that she can't compare your relationship with your fiance to her relationship with her boyfriend. You two are in different relationships, so she really shouldn't be comparing. That can get her into a lot of trouble.
It's never too much.
It definitely varies, and honestly I would be totally fine with once a week, but I know my boyfriend wouldn't be so I'll do it more than that. I also won't brush him off and be like "once a week is enough for me."
It shouldn't even be about the number at that point, it should be about the fact that that person isn't even responding appropriately to the other person. Your friend's boyfriend is essentially ignoring her desires and obviously isn't really open to communicating or compromising. He sounds like a jerk. He's obviously making her feel undesirable. I could see maybe if she was like "I WANT SEX EVERY DAY." but she was making him do all the work and being demanding. But wanting more sex than once a week doesn't seem that unreasonable to me. three or four times a week seems reasonable because then it's about fifty-fifty...good for both partners if they have differing sex drives.
my sister and her husband have sex... EVERY day. seriously. she told me that and i was like damn! 3 kids, you running the house, and him working and sex on a daily basis.... well hot damn. go sis! i remember when in relationships, i wanted sex everytime i saw my SO. i think sex should be had whenever the two of you need it. and he cant just say no to you friends needs without even considering what its doing to her. women get "blue balls" too, sexually frustrated. hes wasting a perfectly good female specimen reducing her to a once a week lay. lame! how often does he masturbate i wonder... hmm. that would say a lot. im tellin ya, men are becoming the less sexual creatures in my opinion.
Too much sex? No such thing.
Too much breathing.
i would ask more like, is this a new thing? he's suddenly cutting back on sex? i'm sorry but that IS kinda weird, esp if he wasn't turned on by lingerie or coming to bed naked. i'm sorry but if i did that my bf would be ontop of me so fast... i hold out on things like that for special occasions though, i've never had any trouble getting it the normal way lol! anyway, it comes down to your friend and this guy, whether she trusts him, and whether or not she is truly happy with him.
@AlluringAddiction@xanga - I have no choice but to rec that.
@AlluringAddiction@xanga - Heh! The cure for a sexual addiction should be the companionship of another sex addict or closer.
There is no such thing as too much sex with your SO...what a strange question. I mean having it every once in awhile isn't bad either. Everyone is different. But from this situation the girl seems highly insecure and unfullfilled and the guy sounds stressed the fuck out about something. If he was truly secure with their sex life he would have brushed it off and wouldn't have taken to time to call you and YELL at you. That is a clear sign that something is up. I'd personally stay out of their personal lives even if your friend asks for advice again. She has to understand that she can't use her friend's sex lives as examples and she needs to actually talk with her boyfriend about what the hell is going on.
How rude. Once a week is sometimes good enough for me. It depends on the week though, and if it was extra stressful, or something. Ordinarily, a few times a week is totally fine with me. I used to be okay with having it twice or three times in the same day but I can't handle that anymore.
But it really does vary from person to person."Any before marriage - that's too much!"
-God.
It depends. Though too much sex is bad