Saturday, 16 July 2011

• Here's Why Men Keep the Hands Down Their Pants

  
  It's a feeling of security. It's the warmth we so desperately need now that we've been cast away from the womb. It's that breast we can no longer suckle on. It's the comfort in knowing we are indeed still men.

  But mostly it just feels good.

  Women often wonder about the fascination men have with putting a hand down their long johns and just cupping those manly, sometimes intricately varicose veined balls. It's not as complicated as they may think, but it's difficult for them to truly understand. As children, it's common for males to play with their very first toy guns, and a habit begins to form at that early age.

  It's the result of being able to control our limbs for the first time and curiosity. There's this foreign object just dangling before us, so what do you expect a guy to do? A child's first instinct is to start tuggingon things such as ears, and yes, the penis. We also like peeing on various things as infants (such as mom's face), but luckily for most women, it doesn't develop into a fetish later on. That habit dies harder than a "stiffy" after discovering unshaven boob hair.

  As we mature and grow, it simply becomes an attachment. It feels good and there's a sense of security that comes with being in control of your genitals. It's like you're the key holder to the kingdom's riches and only those whom you decide to allow in are welcome (in reality, this never happens because we're putting it in everyone's faces when given the opportunity). There's this sense of relaxation and peace. It's almost zen-like.

  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to slip my hands a bit further down from the keyboard to give you a better analysis....

  Ahh, yes.

  It mostly just feels good.

  It's not like masturbation at all, and in almost every case, a guy is either cupping his own balls or simply holding on to the shaft. I'm going to theorize that the reason why it feels so good is because when we're pretend-checking for testicular cancer, we lift the scrotum as well as testicles upwards and closer to the body, which simulates what normally happens right before ejaculation. As you can imagine, it's a pleasant feeling.

  Another cause for the shifting of our testicles and scrotum has to do with temperature. It's more common for a man to shuffle his hands in the right spots during the winter because as temperatures dip, the testicles move closer to the body for added warmth. The reason why the testicles are even outside of the body is because the heat we produce is too high. When it's warm out, you can expect the testicles to drop low which is why I imagine men complain about their balls sticking to the side of their legs in hot weather. Protip: Don't wear short shorts.

  The explanation is very simple, but it always goes back to the way our genitals function under varying conditions. Women, don't go assuming that we're just perverted, heartless bastards, who would rather keep our hands on our dick and balls than around your waist or in your meaty pleasure caverns. It's how we function, just like most women are prone to peeing more often. It simply is, and there's data to back it up. Oho!

  The next time your boyfriend is entertained by his own balls, you'll know why and laugh at yourself for ever thinking he was being infantile....

  Wait.

  Who cares when it just feels good?

  What do you think about us guys and our habit? Does it bother you? Have you learned anything today? Do you cup your boyfriend's sack?

  Sincerely,
  Nunez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in Testinomics & The Art of Configuring Testicles.

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