I find that there is a certain attitude people show towards an ex of their significant other (SO), that doesn't exist towards other people.
It's a feeling of discomfort and unease... especially when they are alone together. Some people argue that this is just jealousy and a lack of trust coming into play, although I don't fully buy into that. Even if you trust your SO, that feeling of unease is still there. Kind of like a 'what if' situation, that sometimes goes through our head when a friend is late in meeting us for coffee. "Did something happen to them?" - "I better call to make sure they're okay...." - 99.99% of the time we're sure they're fine. But it's just that we're worried about that 0.001%. I feel that's what we worry about when our SO meets with an ex.
There's also the curiosity portion that makes it worse. How long were they together? How do they feel towards each other now? Why are they meeting up? Etc. Etc. Though this sounds a bit obsessive compulsive...the thoughts do run through our heads. Sometimes we ignore it and sometimes, it gets the better of us.
There is a certain level of evasion that occurs when talking about an ex (generally speaking.) An SO usually gives us a Cole's Notes version of the story that covers the main points.
Very rarely do they go into the details. Why? Because the more details they give, the more questions it leads to and then finally,
it leads to the knowledge of some situations in which you feel you can't compare. The more you know about their ex and what they shared, the more you try to compare you and your SO - and you'll most likely end up feeling worse.
I guess it's the fact that they once shared the same bond you have with your SO that's so troubling to accept. The fact that someone else may understand them, more than you. It really is very troublesome.
Advice? Don't let curiosity get the better of you. Sometimes it's better to leave the past where it belongs - in the past.
Question: Are you perfectly okay with your SO meeting with an ex alone? How much detail do they usually go into when telling you they're meeting up (assuming they tell you at all...)? Or thinking from the other perspective...
Have you met up with an ex, while not completely disclosing it to your SO for fear that they will a) misunderstand, or
b) none of their business (they don't control/own me)
?Are there still lingering feelings? Unresolved issues? Complications? Are your SO's suspicions/curiosity/doubts justified? (Sometimes I think they are actually.)
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well i know for a fact that his ex hates me, she hated me since they first started dating, even when we were just platonic friends. so, i would definitely not enjoy running into her. however, i know that their relationship/breakup was horrible and my bf does not miss her in the slightest, so i really would probably just feel bad for him if he ran into her lol...
Actually, I just met up with an ex yesterday. We were together for 2 years, we broke up about a year ago, and he's in the navy so we're not often in the same state. We were kind of friends for the past year or so (most of this time I've had a boyfriend). My boyfriend always knew, even if he didn't I wouldn't lie or hide it.
Anyways, I told my ex a few months ago that we need to stop being friends, a major reason being that my boyfriend just isn't that comfortable with it. And I mean, he's an ex, I care about my boyfriend and his comfort more than being friends with this ex. But he's been texting me and emailing me and calling me and he even stopped by my house this past week (he's in town on leave). I got tired of it and said fine, I'll meet you in a public place that isn't a restaurant or movie, and we'll talk, but you have to leave me alone afterwards. I definitely told my boyfriend about it, too.There's only one ex of my boyfriend's I'd probably throw a complete fit if they met up now. When him and I broke up for a few months, it's been a few years ago since then, they started dating again. She had previously dated him awhile before him and I even started talking. He pretty much despises her, but I'd definitely feel really uneasy if they met up at all alone or not. I don't think I've met up with any exs since my boyfriend and I started dating again. I always ended up my relationships are good terms though and I still talk to some of them on occasion, although it's completely clear that there are no feelings for one another anymore. My boyfriend still gets jealous of them though. I think it has a lot to do with them knowing things about me that he doesn't know since they were around when I was 14-16 and a lot more innocent. I think he thinks they all ruined me haha. I think it's normal to feel jealousy towards your SO's exs though. They shared intimate memories and knew them at a different point of their life than you did.
I don't think there's any reason why anyone should be meeting up with their ex while they are in a relationship, afterall, they're an ex for a reason (even if it ended on good terms).
Nope, exes are a no-go. They are an ex for a reason. Unless it was some 2 month high school thing, an ex really can't be considered "just a friend". They are still someone that you had some sort of mutual attraction with, and that is never good to bring back when you're in a relationship. I talk to some of my exes every now and then to catch up, but that's as far as I will take it, out of respect.
@inspirationamusings - I completely agree.
My boyfriend has to talk to one of his exes because they have a child together. There is no reason for them to talk about anything that doesn't have to do with their child. There is no reason for them to spend more time together than it takes to drop the child off.
I have big trust issues when it comes to exes. I have admitted that since day 1. If having an ex as a friend is more important than being with me, then that's his choice. Obviously he has chosen me thus far.
I don't speak to any of my exes because they're assholes. That's why they're exes. We're not even friends on Social Networking sites. There is no reason to be.
sigh. if only everyone matches up with one person and that's it. then there'd be no exes. :/
Well, for my two prior relationships, I am still friends with them. Our relationship didn't end on bad terms.
The most recent one, we don't talk anymore simply because she treated me like shit. As for your questions:
1. I would be okay if they let me know ahead of time. A lot of the times, my SOs were very open about it. It's a level of trust you place in your SO. I'm fine with girlfriends being friends with their exes (and I wish they are the same with me). There are no lingering feelings inside of me for them and haven't for a while, even when I meet and hang out with them face to face.
2. I usually just ask how the meeting went and then leave it at that.
Maybe I'm just abnormal and place a lot of trust in my girlfriends at the time. I generally like to believe everyone has good intentions until they prove me wrong. And from there, I decide how much trust to place with them.
Me and my boyfriend are each other's first so there aren't no exs, but there's this girl that loves him to pieces and he knows it, and it's weird because I know he doesn't like her, but I'd still get jealous and worried if they met up one on one. :/
I don't mind when my boyfriend hangs out with an ex in a group (well, most of his exes. There are a couple I don't like him seeing at all, though he doesn't like seeing them either lol). But I don't like it when an ex of his asks him over to their place to watch movies. Come on people, we all know what "watching movies" mean. He knows I would be uncomfortable, just as I know he would be uncomfortable if I were to hang out alone with an ex. Most of the time it's not acceptable as a respect issue.