Thursday, 14 July 2011
-
Being Kinky: When Do You Bring It Up?
I've never thought relationships were all that complicated. Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl asks boy out, girl and boy break up when they get tired of one another. Sure, I got my heart broken a time or two and called up my friends when I was having boyfriend drama, but overall I've always had easy-going relationships.It wasn't, however, the relationships themselves that I had problems with. I didn't have troubles in the way of communication or anything, at least, not in the grand scheme of things. For me it always got weird when it came to sex. I could talk about my sexual interests around my girl friends all day, but the minute a boy asks me what I fantasize about, I tense up.
What if he found my interests weird? What if when I asked him to tie me up and use me like a love slave he only got freaked out? And how in the world did I bring up fetishes? They were never strange fetishes, but they were things you couldn't just blurt out in the middle of a conversation. I didn't want him to lick my boots, I didn't want to worship his feet, I didn't want anything to do with animals. All I wanted was a boyfriend who would pull my hair a little, spank me and not be afraid of getting a rough.
Unfortunately, I'm from a small town where the boys are sweet and things like that above weren't talked about because few people had interest in them. I dated boys who laughed nervously at fuzzy handcuffs bought from the local Spencers. I can't imagine any of them believing that beneath my powerful womanly exterior was a girl who wanted to be submissive. After a while I just suppressed those desires, deciding it was easier to fantasize about them than ruin my relationships by bringing them up.
Which brings me to now. I've been married for almost a year now and there are still things I haven't brought up to my husband. To be fair, we didn't even have sex until our wedding night, so things like spicing up our sex life or adding to it weren't even necessary in those first few months. Now I think about those hidden desires, how I'm married to a man who would be open to anything, but how terrified I am of bringing things up. After having a couple exes completely shoot down ideas of anything kinky, I've grown accustomed to the rejection of my not-entirely-vanilla sexual interests.
How does one bring something like this up? When does one bring something like this up? I'm married, I'm as committed as it gets, but when do you bring something like this up to your boyfriend or girlfriend? How do you go about telling your secret desires to someone who might shoot you down?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: JEDIJESSICUH@xanga
- Name: JEDIJESSICUH
- Location: Manhattan, Kansas, United States
- About Me: A wise, malicious woman on Glee once said, "There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and some day they will." Some days that's all you need to hear to write a blog that could get you coddled by the crowd or ridiculed by the haters.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 4 Views: 0 10706 Comments: 0 79 View all posts by JEDIJESSICUH@xanga
Comments (24)
Just do it! That's an easy way to bring it up. While you're being intimate, try telling him to do or say this or that. You might be surprised how into it he will be if you bring it up in that way.
It usually comes out when your having sex. I'm sure he has asked or you have asked him if what you are doing feels good right? That's the easiest way to break the ice. I've been married for 8 years and my wife and I are very open to what we like. But we did not start doing things like that till about 3 years after we got married. Do this once your having sex let him know, as a man I know i would do pretty much anything while horny, so take that to your advantage. The slap part is going to be hard for a lot of men since we are brought up never to hit women, but once you open up then you will see slowly by slowly you will get the things you lust for.
Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl asks boy out, girl and boy break up when they get tired of one another
haha I like the oversimplification.my fantasies were never really a huge things to me, it was more like "oh, that'd be hot." my current bf has asked me several times, and the first couple times I blushed, hid my face in the pillow, and refused to tell him. He asked why I didn't want to, and I said I was afraid he'd think I was weird. But he told me he already knew I was weird (:P) and liked who I was, so I eventually told him.but...if it's something you're like really wanting, you could probably just go ahead and bring it up- maybe laying in bed one night after you guys have had sex, so there's no pressure to do it right then. you should trust him- after all, he loves you, and you're married. it's not like he'd get all freaked out about it- kinky stuff is pretty generally acceptable and acknowldged. More often than you'd think.
It depends on how kinky. And what you consider kinky. Sorry I can't give a better answer!
With my boyfriend, I started off slow.. Just telling him to bite me and scratch me, stuff like that. I watched his reaction to that and it wasn't bad, so I got into more kinky stuff, like spanking and hair pulling. When he wasn't scared off by that, I talked to him about some of my biggest fantasies, which included some kinky stuff. Then I brought up the idea of handcuffs and he wasn't scared off by that either.
I guess my point is, bring it up slowly. Don't go all out and tell him everything the first day. He'll be overwhelmed and probably won't understand.
One of the biggest things with my boyfriend is that he thought some of the kinkier stuff would hurt me, but once he saw how much I enjoy it, he's more than willing to do it. Being able to turn me on so much turns him on too.
lol i feel like in my relationship i'm the way more vanilla one
, i never thought it was a problem for girls to be freaky with guys because i figured most guys are down for anything. i mean, within REASON, yours don't sound too nutty, i know girls who like semen on their chests and rape fantasies. (i'm sorry but those would freak me out a little!) i guess its just something you'd have to talk about. ESPECIALLY if you're married!
Look, I've been there. My exes used to always back off with this doe eyed expression and say, "what if I hurt you?" when I've been whispering "spank me a little" or "pull my hair" or etc. I don't mind being the dominant one but at the same time, I think it take a real "man" to be gentle and let me be the submissive bottom from time to time. That being said, I too did not say it to most of my exes because even when we're joking around, the conversation often turned very porn-y when I would admit fantasizing about being tied up and blind folded a little. And then their version of my fantasies would make me feel dirty and something I should have never said anything.
However, if you are not comfortable with talking about exploring something, it's not really hurting and if your hubby is not comfortable with it make a safe word, then how will you live the rest of your life with this man suppressing your wants and desires? If he's the type of man who would try anything, then DO IT.
I think I broke the ice with my fiance when we first started to have sex... AFTER a few months of having it, then I asked him to "take me rough." He didn't give me that look of "omg i'm dating a crazy lady" but I also told him that I KNOW he won't ever hurt me and since I'm so opinionated and NOT submissive in everyday things, it's great to know that he can take charge and be the dominant one every now and then. :)
I think for men, it's simple. They like having sex. There isn't too many genres to consider and if it's not familiar to them, they just call it a fetish or something weird. But if your hubby doesn't know ALL sides of you, it's the awkwardness of your lacking communicating skills and it'll eat up the other non-sexual parts of your relationship too. Start off with "what do you like?"
You should feel comfortable discussing it. Just the next time you hear some song lyrics or watch a movie or something with him that kind of describes/shows what you like, casually mention that to him as you are watching/listening.
Well...that's a common fantasy. So if he has previous experience it's likely he won't be surprised.
just say it in the middle of sex. while youre screaming out his name and telling him to go harder, throw in a spank me or choke me. throw it out there randomly. more likely than not, he will react by just doing what you said and get into it. =) something about when a woman is down in the moment and moaning, screaming, it gets the guy going so i doubt he will say no to your sexual outbursts mid thrust.
Um... bring it up when it crosses your mind?
iono, that's what I do lol.
If you're in a secure marriage, sharing your deepest desires will only strenghthen your relationship with your husband
usually the guy brings it up in conversation while he's talking about his ex. he might tell me about what went wrong in his past relationship and then somehow talk about what he disliked/liked about her, and when he is complaining about the various dislikes, including sexually, then he might talk about his previous unfulfilled fantasies or other things. then if he mentions something that I also have interest in, then I might surprise him later to fulfill that fantasy that also happens to be my unfulfilled fantasy as well. I've brought it up in conversation before, too, but often via sexting
lol or I might text him something that hints at what I like and he'll chime in and comment on it and often agree with whatever dirty things are on my mind that I'm sharing with him
however, I'll only do the blatant sexting thing when I know that he is the naughty type but wants me to make the first move. I've known some guys, who were shy and it was just plain awkward to talk to them about anything sexual. one guy even told me that he doesn't like dirty talk because it makes him laugh. well it also made me laugh but that was because the person sucked at it. when I finally talked to someone who had a way with words, then it became a turn on. so practice makes perfect yet he doesn't even want to practice, so whatever. he was rather boring and I moved onto the next and finally found my counterpart, who is compatible with me in every aspect
LOl... just do it. Kinda an in the moment thing, yaknow? He/she will be surprised, but hopefully it's a good type of "surprised"?
If you're married to him, I'd guess you should have a decent idea of whether or not those things would be a complete turn off for him or not. You could perhaps simply try it this way... One day, when things are beginning to get hot and/or sexy between you two, suggest an idea or two. Be like "I think this would be SO sexy..." and tell him your idea and why, and see where it goes. The worst that could happen would be him telling you he'd feel wrong for treating you like that, I'd think... You love him for a reason, right? ;) But yeah.
work him up to it don't push it all on him at once or he might resent it but if you give him time he may come to enjoy it or share in the interest
Watch a movie and when the scene comes up, blurt out, "I wanna do that!" :)
Sometimes all you need to do is instruct someone in the heat of the moment. Who would really stop and say "wait, now.. what?" when as they're doing you doggystyle, you demonstratively hold your hair back with one hand, throw your head back and tell them to pull your hair? As for roughness, I find a simple "harder" or "slap/spank me" can do a lot. And whether or not he follows your suggestions during sex, you'll no longer have to be the one to bring it up in conversation. He'll most likely do a "what was that all about?" afterwards.
http://www.eva-thefallofmen.blogspot.com/
this is a very good website
you can go and see it
http://www.shoes4world.com
Tell him to want to try something new on a particular night and then show him different things little at a time. I had to do this with omy other half. I was nervous like you, but he's my best friend and the leas person I should be nervous around or be afraid to talk to. All things considered he enjoyed it as much as I do and let me tell you our sex life now is FABULOUS!!!
I casually just brought it up one day when my boyfriend and I were laying around. "So... How do you feel about pulling my hair and spanking me during sex? Are you alright with it?" He was surprised and definitely happy about it.
Don't be afraid of being shot down, I doubt your husband would be like, "Are you crazy?" It's something a lot of girls like and a lot of guys want. Very common.
I was pretty open with my SO about what I liked from the start, he seemed ok with it.
But do remember this doesn't necessarily mean you'll get it; a year down the line the handcuffs are still unused and I'm still left fantasising...
They just might not be into it, so be prepared when you do mention it. I trust him not to broadcast what I like, but doesn't mean he'll jump at the chance.
zee.
Thumbs up for having a picture from Hurricane. <3
That is so crazy that you live in Kansas. I know someone who lives in Wamego and her town is totally like the one you are talking about.
I feel this way too, sometimes, but maybe you should show him a little bit of what you are talking about. Show him rather than telling him. Do something just a little kinky and see how he takes it.